I'm worried about things to come...
I posted this in General, but maybe it should go here:
I need advice on how to cope with our SS's return to our house.
Background: DFH and I have been together 4 years. He has a S18 who lives with us full time (he's a full time college student), a D15 who lives with her mom full time, and a S11 that lives with us 50% of the time. My S10 lives with us 100%. BM got an ex parte order for temp full custody and accused us of emotionally abusing SS11.
All three skids lived with us 50/50 for 3 years. BM has been institutionalized and has a family history of mental and sexual abuse. She started her campaign to alientate the kids from day one. I met my DH long after thier divorce was final and was his second girlfriend, so there was no reason for the hate. From the begining, her erratic behavior worried me. I have a book to write on everything she has done!
Fast forward to today: SS18 was not corrupted by PAS and was kicked out by BM. She told him "you are too much like your father, I can't stand having you around". How handy that she waited until he was no longer counted for child support. SD15 seems to absolutely hate her father. It's so sad. The PAS was so bad that she has told the oldest son that her dad was just a liar and manipulator. Youngest SS has always been caught in the middle, poor guy. PAS has started to work on him, but we have hope because the courts saw right into it! Both SS11 and SD15 wrote these horrible letters to the court saying absolutely crushing things about my DH that were absolutely untrue.
The court case was decided yesterday. BM accused DH and I of mentally abusing SS10 and not feeding him. Filed a complaint with CPS. All children were interviewed by CPS and the mediator. BM was repremanded by CPS and the court for making false accusations. SS11 actually told the mediator that he wanted to spend MORE time with his dad. The mediator asked the BM why the kids were using her words in everything. Anyway, SD is going to mother's full time, and SS11 is the same, here 50%. He is coming back on Friday. I stay at home with both boys durning the summer as my DH works and I am a full-time student as well.
Here is where I need help. After all these horrible things have been thrown around, how do I cope? Just pretend like nothing happened? Get him a card that says my son and I missed him? I'm just struggling with how to act. The court ordered counseling for everyone. I hope it helps.
What can I do as a SM to make sure I protect myself and try to get back to "normal"?
Gosh, this is so sad! I
Gosh, this is so sad! I really hope all of this works out for your family.
It makes me sick that these women can get away with this. Its a wonder that BM even kept full custody of SD but I have read articles that say once PAS is so far gone its actually more harmful to the child to remove them from that parent than to keep them in the PAS situation so I understand.
I wish I had some optimistic advice but I don't. I think the fact that he is a boy is working on your side. Boys tend to be more easy going and a lot of times closer to Dad that Mom by nature.
I have two SD's and the 6 years of manipulation by BM is starting to become obvious in them. She attempted to take the oldest from DH but he refused to consent to it and she wouldn't take it to court. Since then we still enjoy 50/50 custody but the kids slowly become more distant from our family... especially me. They get along ok for the most part when DH is there but if he has to work or something they lock themselves in their rooms all day.
Good luck and keep us updated!
One thing you mentioned is
One thing you mentioned is especially true at our house as well. We all sit, eat, watch tv and talk when DH is around. The minute he leaves for work or isn't around my SS is in his room and doesn't want any interaction. He does play quite well with my son, but since the PAS has started he has become more mean to him. I let them work things out themselves for the most part, or let DH handle it when it gets a little carried away.
But, it is so hard to interact with someone who gives you one word responses when you ask about things! I went to every after school activity for SS, helped with homework and projects, went to his talent show to record him. I feel like he must feel guilty when he enjoys time here.
Thanks for your words. Let me
Thanks for your words. Let me clarify: BM's "mental abuse" claims were only for the two youngest skids. They did not include either kid that lives here full time (DHs oldest and mine). We have always included SS11 in everything we do. That goes for SD when she was here as well.
I feel so bad for DH and SS18. SD refuses to even speak to them. I wish it wasn't the whole "pick your side" kind of thing. The kids should be able to love both parents.
The boys are definitely easier than the girl! She has so much hate for our household and we are hoping that counseling can resolve some of this anger. She is so mad at DH because he had rules (no dating at 13, no cell phone after midnight, normal stuff) and mom's house had none. She blamed me for turning her dad into a meanie, and after she moved out she told her dad she would only move back in if I was out of the house. It's so weird... I have never yelled at her, never sworn... We just didn't have a lot of common interests. Hell, I bought her an iPhone on my plan for her 13th bday. I think she was just so upset at not being #1 anymore she couldn't deal with it. Teenage hormones couldn't have helped!
I want to go back to normal next week, but to be honest, I'm scared. What happens if BM wants to start coaching another story? I have never done anything but try and treat Ss11 like my own, but like you said, you can blame him for wanting to please his mom.
Well, a new twist. My FDH has
Well, a new twist.
My FDH has basically told me that if I can't make his son want to be here, he is moving out. I have been bending over backwards to be nice, buy him the things he wants, show him how to do some artsy things, and giving him room. BUT... It isn't enough. I'm not enough.
My FDH has been working late and running errands for people at work. He hasn't been coming home until close to the boys' bedtime. When he is home after work, he sleeps. He says he would do anything in his power to keep his kids. Unfortunately, he plays games with them on weekends and thinks that is enough. All during the week I'm alone with the kids. If making his kids happy was a priority, why not say "no" to other people and doing favors and coming home? He is dropping out of contact with me for two, three, four hours at a time, and doesn't want to be policed he says. It's my job to make sure his son is happy here.
He says if things don't get better for SS, the next step is him moving out.
Let me give you an example of the type of person he wants me to be: SS doesn't like listening to me. I asked him three times (nicely!) to have lunch so he isn't hungry. He just ignores me. Instead of trying to understand how hard that is, FDH said: "well, he was struggling... You should have just asked if you could make him something". I cook dinner every night. The boys are old enough to fix themselves lunch. My son did it just fine. My FDH response: "well, SS is not BS. You should have went the extra effort for SS". In other words, im not doing enogh. What are your thoughts on this?
let him go... let him see how
let him go... let him see how hard it is to keep his kid happy when he is on his own with him. Of course don't just take my opinion on it, but it sounds like you are raising his child, and he is totally unappreciative. Then again, I'm bitter and twisted
after wasting years of my life on SS who then kicked me in the teeth.. some day soon I'll be over it }:)
Kids have told him that I
Kids have told him that I changed him. They liked him better before. He says, and I 100% agree, that they were jealous of the energy he spent making me happy.
You know what he said? "I regret all the energy I put into making you happy. I should have spent it on the kids."
Ouch. My heart.
I'm a full time student, two years left of my BS. He supports us. Do I leave and give up school?
Take a hard look at your
Take a hard look at your financial situation. Could you live without him? If the answer is no then you are screwed - fix that immediately. If the answer is yes, then get your funds together, have them at the ready with an overnight bag packed and in your car, and tell your FH that you are doing the best you can, that making his kids happy is NOT your job and that if he wants to take on that job himself - full-time - he is more than welcome to it. If not, he needs to start treating you with respect - NOW. If he starts shit - leave right then - DONE.
$20 says that he will call you in 2 days with a brand new attitude. If not, you go on with your life. You are waaaaaaaay to young to deal with this. He "regrets the energy spent on you??????" Please!
I'm kind of in an ackward
I'm kind of in an ackward position. I was working full time and supporting our entire family. He was contributing at times, but it was patchy (he is in construction and that industry basically went into the crapper). We live in my house, I bought it while I was working full time.
I couldn't stand my job anymore, so we made the decision that I would go back to school full time since his work was picking up. At the time, it was a joint decision, but I can tell he is angry being the sole provider.
I can't make it without him. My house would probably be foreclosed. So I tough it out, or I leave my dream of getting my BS.
God, this is making me sad just thinking about it
Since you own the house, you
Since you own the house, you hold the cards. BIG DIFFERENCE! Don't discount the power in that. Men have been playing that shit for years. Tell him that he needs to get the hell out out unless he starts being a true partner. You may not have the $ to pay the mortgage but he does not need to know that. Lie if necessary and tell him that you have decided to give up school and get a job rather than put up with his crap. In poker it is called a bluff - and it makes people a ton of money.
Men respect women who go toe to toe with them. Women who back down get plowed under. So long as you have a safety net of a credit card and an overnight bag, you are new enough in the game to take your chances and see what he is made of.
You need to disengage from
You need to disengage from the BM emotions. I also hate my BM for what she does to the kids (not for what she's done to me, though I could write a book on that as well), and it is a hard row to hoe, but I think if both of us can completely do that, we will be a lot happier.
Are things generally ok with FH? Can you lean on him for emotional support? One problem with me is that I could not count on DH to just let me vent. When I was upset about something he wanted to fix it, and then he would get upset when he could not. So I just started saying "Vent..." and then he just started commiserating with me, and that helped us fix a bunch of problems without trying.
I am also in college with DH being the sole supporter, so I understand that as well. I've decided that if this crap gets too hard, then I'll just finish college, find a job, and then be like "Peace, motherfucker." And I'll disengage until I'm ready to leave, and I won't mention anything until my craps in the car, the divorce papers are in hand, and I'm walking out the door.
Yep, i think he is being an
Yep, i think he is being an ass and in fact it makes me angry to even read this-making his son happy is not your job, heck, it's not even his job. A parents job is to teach a child to become a responsible adult-so that would be his job. As his wife and a caregiver I believe it is your job to assist with this process-by being kind, cordial, setting limits and boundaries, and being your true self. If that is not good enough for your dh you need to tell him to hit the road. I would start looking for a job. You can go to school and work at the same time-lots of women do it-or if you need to just work for a couple years til your dh is a little order I think that is ok too.
He needs to get his head out of his ass and start taking a look at his son's behavior and how to work on that and also fix what he is doing. The kid probably is unhappy-sounds like his dad ignores him all week long.