I'M A MESS! CAN SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE..................
Well, Im new here and I didnt know where else to turn so I thought maybe someone would have some advice for me, I think this forum is just what I need to stop feeling so alone!
I have 2 beautiful children aged 8 and 5! We have had a pretty rough 4 years together but we are getting on track now and working everything out!
My partner was married to his ex wife for 12 years and they have 3 amazing children aged 9, 7 and 5!
He didnt get to see their children for 2 years after his ex wife left him for another man and got married and had another child not long after. He was still very much in love with her even after we started dating. I encouraged him to go to a solicitor and mediate a parenting agreement so he could see his children and after a lot of hassle and lies from her, he finally managed to get access for the school holidays! Thats been going great for not quite a year now, we all get along brilliantly, his kids with my kids, me with his kids, the whole show! I am their primary carer when they are here and most of the time I just feel like a glorified babysitter! Other than that, we have really enjoyed getting to know his children and spending time with them.
This is where it all goes wrong though! After she rings up and asks him to take the kids for year on, year off!!!!! She wants to finish Uni and in her own words "I need a rest and noone helps me with 4 children, noone understands how hard it is."
She has blatantly harmed the relationship he had with his kids by not allowing them to see him and telling them crap like Daddy has to go to the government if he wants to see you and all manner of other things! Now she wants to dump them on us to better her life!
I have just started my own business and things are going very well with it all but now I have to cancel bookings and rearrange everything so I can babysit his kids on the up coming school holidays! When school goes back next year I'll be limited again with what hours and work I can do because I will have 5 children to cater for, not just 2! Back to financial ruins!!! He says nothing........just nothing! He basically hasnt organised anything or changed anything, just assumes that I will do it all and when I try to talk to him about it, he just goes silent or gets cranky!
I feel like I am making the ultimate sacrifice and all for her to better her own life while we just go downhill again! Why do I feel like this and is this normal! I hate him for not telling her to wake up and look after her own children instead of offloading them on us!
You feel like this because
You feel like this because you're allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.
If he wants his kids there for a year, HE needs to become their primary caregiver. He can't just agree and foist responsibility onto you unless you Let him.
He goes silent of gets cranky when you want to talk about it? Well, then you have a choice. Tell him you're interpreting his silence as understanding that you will not put your life, your new business or your own children on hold because of something He decided and that you will not be responsible for their care and he will just have to figure it out himself. Then Refuse. They need to be picked up? Oh well, he can figure it out. They need to be babysat? Great, call someone else.
He wants to get cranky? Let him. Decide what the bigger problem for you is - him being 'cranky' or your hard work being ruined, your efforts and yourself being taken for granted? Personally, he got cranky with me if I was talking to him about him expecting me to deal with something he agreed to without my consent, I'd tell him to go screw himself and deal with his own problems himself.
I also sort of hate to say this, but you say he "was" still very much in love with her. If he's not saying anything but yes even after she's left him, cheated on him, taken his kids and kept them from him ... he's probably Still in love with her. I'd be seriously re-thinking this relationship.
I'm the most guilty of being
I'm the most guilty of being GUILTED into things! Don't do it! Tell them all you will not be the glorified babysitter! You are NOT responsible for their well-being or even how they spend their time!
I fall into this Guilt Trap every single time and I HATE MY LIFE now!
It's ok to say NO. Isn't it? :O
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters, I was guilted into 'babysitting' SKids too, a migraine was my catalyst for putting a stop to that! I actually called BM and told her she'd better come get her brats. They acted up because they resented being dumped on me and not spending time with daddy or being at school, where they were supposed to be! I refused to tolerate it. DH took them to work with him and they behaved so badly that they broke the windshield on the truck! Hyper 11 year old twins. I was not asked again to babysit! It really does just take the one refusal, maybe two, for the parents to get the picture.
This guy is going to let you pick up the slack for him just as long as you allow it to happen, seriously!
I would not try to put all of the care onto him, you both have work...right? I would just suggest that he'd need to take a much more active role with ALL of the kids if it were the case that his came over for a year. If he does not take a more active role then I'd tell him that 'this is not working out' and then make your own plans for your own life with your own kids.
Seriously??? I would so start
Seriously??? I would so start back stepping right now. Carry on with your plans and your business. Do NOT worry about his kids. ACtually, I would be tempted to get my own place for a year until Skids return to BM. It is TOO MUCH for you and it is not your responsibility. DH is using you and you are letting him. It will not be healthy for your kids to be lost in the mess. These skids will be a mess too since their BM is basically abandoning them.
The shitty part of being a
The shitty part of being a step is that SO's and their shitty BM's want to constantly take advantage of us. BMs act like because we married THEIR husbands (and it doesn't matter how long they've been divorced) we owe them and their kids something. You don't owe BM and their kids ANYTHING.
I too am trying to run a business (from home right now) and BM acts like I should babysit for her whenever she wants. Screw her. There have been many times I've wanted to throw in the towel over DH and BM and their constant demands.
Sit your DF down and tell him flat out, no matter how cranky he gets, that you will be too busy working to babysit. So he needs to do what he'd do if you weren't in the picture. Hire a sitter or whatever. They are HIS kids. HE should be the one sacrificing.
He and BM are the ones who had sex and had those kids. They are THEIR responsibility, not yours. You are your DF's fiance. NOT her sitter. You don't owe her and your future skids a damn thing.
Good luck hun.
you are so right about them
you are so right about them thinking we owe them simply because of who we are married/in a relationship with. bm doesn't act like i owe her (although i'm sure if she could have found a way to get my income to count towards her cs, she would have), but sd20 has always acted like since i'm with HER dad, i have to love her, adore her, do things for her, "be there for her" (whatever the hell that means), spend money on her, and never EVER get angry or annoyed with her, no matter how bad she treats me. she thinks i owe her all the good parts of a mom, none of the less pleasant parts, and i should eat her bullshit with a smile on my face. bitch is delusional!
her most recent stunt has been to try to guilt and shame me for not catering to her while pregnant. she even went so far as to tell me "it's not healthy for me OR my dad for you to shut me out!" so now i'm supposed to feel like if i'm not taking orders from her, i'm hurting fdh. nice try, bitch, but i don't feel guilty at all. i told her it wasn't my doing that got her pregnant and i don't owe her anything at all. i'm sure that pissed her off to no end.
i really am stunned that after 8 years and everything i have said to her concerning her behavior and my reaction to it, she still expects me to give a shit. i'm starting to think she will never get it...
Just say "No". Really.
Just say "No". Really.
OMG!!!!! Seriously guys,
OMG!!!!! Seriously guys, every single one of you, seriously, THANKYOU from the bottom of my heart!!!!