I'm getting what I deserve??
DH and I have always been a happy couple. Then, 6 months ago SS7 came to live with us full time. We've been fighting and bickering since about his behavior, specifically, being incredibly disrespectful to me.
Last Sunday, I was sitting with SS7 and helping him to read a book. He got frustrated and started to throw a temper tantrum. DH came over, sent SS7 to his room, and gave me a verbal lashing for not teaching him right.
Disgusted, I grabbed BD1 and we hid in her room until bed time. Once the kids were asleep I confronted DH and told him I didn't feel I was appreciated and that I'd had enough. DH screamed at the top of his lungs about how I hated SS7 and that I'm mean to him all the time. (Helping him read is mean?) He screamed so loud for so long it woke up BD1 who started crying so I went in to calm her down and get her back to bed. During which time, I time to make the decision to disengage - which I did.
When I came back out I told DH that I'm not appreciated and he doesn't like the way I treat SS7 so I'm just not going to help him with SS7 anymore. We've been fighting for 4 days now - arguing anytime we speak, silent treating each other, not spending any time with each other, the works.
Monday night, we tried talking again but it just turned into a screaming match. Out of anger I pointed out how peacful our house is when SS7 isn't around. I also pointed out how much happier DH is when SS7 isn't around which is why he hadn't lived with us up until now. I was angry and never should have said those things (even if they are true), but I did.
Tuesday night, we were both calm enough to talk a little. He pointed out that he spanked SS7 for talking back to him and that I should note that he DOES get punished. I pointed out that he spanked SS7 for talking back to DH but when SS7 talks back to me it is ignored and I followed this up with several examples. I explained disengaging (which I had threatened to do 3 weeks before) and why I was doing it. He's mad.
Now, I'm even more frustrated that he's mad at me! I would never let BD1 treat DH with disrespect. But if it happened and DH came to me and said BD1 was being disrespectful and hurting his feelings I'd be embarassed and sad, not mad. I would apologize and work to fix the behavior and mend the relationship. But not DH.
According to DH it's all my fault and, apparently, I'm getting what I deserve.
Wow, sounds like a no-win
Wow, sounds like a no-win situation. Not knowing you at all, just want to say to take a good luck at yourself and how you treat ss7. We should all do this. Be honest with yourself. We know that many bio-dads throw that at us (disliking their kids) whenever ANYTHING happens, but make sure there's no truth to his statement. From what you said about him, he sounds like a hothead. Do what you need to...disengage and focus on your baby. And if it gets worse you will have some decisions to make about where you want to spend your time. Good luck!
You weren't TEACHING him
You weren't TEACHING him correctly?? OF COURSE YOU ARE GOING TO DISENGAGE. This guy has lost his marbles in regards to his son.
I don't see any of this getting better unless you guys get family counseling. With a counselor who understands step-family dynamics and knows what Guilty Daddy/Disney Daddy means.
DH and I have discussed our
DH and I have discussed our parenting styles and the problem is, DH doesn't have one. DH is clueless and doesn't know what the heck to do with this kid. All he knows is I point out SS's flaws all the time, I'm the one complaining, I'm the one yelling and disciplining. I'm the bad guy, thus, it's all my fault.
As a step kid myself, I understand a little about what this kid is going thru and I refuse to let SS use it as an excuse to get away with murder. Everyone else does. "His mom isn't around" is an excuse for refusing to eat, being behind at school, not using manners, being disrespectful, etc. It's paving a road to no where good.
With that being said, disengaging was a last resort after a 3 year battle and I feel incredibly guilty BECAUSE SS's mom isn't around. I worry that I'm just another "mother" that's abandoning him, even though he hates me anyway.
I think you're right. The problem is that I'm always intervening. I'm Quick Draw McGraw when I hear SS talking back or not following directions. I'll definately take your advise and sit back to watch the disaster happen and try to talk to DH about it later.
my FDH is always at work so
my FDH is always at work so he rarely if ever has to do any disciplining to ss8. Thank GOD in HEAVEN he takes my side 100% of the time when I tell him i'm having problems with ss8. He doesn't punish, but at least he believes me and NEVER questions whether i'm doing something wrong. I think i'd kick his sorry ass if he ever did that.
I think my FDH thinks the same thing about ss8, his mother is a junkie, is never around, hasn't been raising him since before his 2nd birthday, shows up to see him once every few months. Poor ss8 doesn't have a mother so he's misbehaving in school, not listening to me, blah blah blah. All bullshit in my opinion.
I think you need to get this skid out of your home and fast before he breaks up your marriage!
If you worry that you are
If you worry that you are another mother abandoning him, then you likely are, and need to pay attention to the potential damage that could be done to the kid.
I hate to say this, but
I hate to say this, but that's exactly why I don't tell SO I'm disengaged. It gives them something else to be mad at you about. When its unspoken, they don't verbalize it either.
Not to say anything is your fault. Its just a demonstration of why some of us just can't tell them. You didn't know. Now you do. You just cant' do anything right and that seems to be the smom mantra.
You will be so much better off disengaged, then you can't be blamed for anything.
This morning, I e-mailed DH
This morning, I e-mailed DH the disengaged essay I found on http://steptogether.org/ so he could gain a little perspective on my side of things. No response. Which, means he's probably thinking "oh crap, she's right." And he's probably on his way out to buy me flowers to apologize.... Ok, that's just wishful thinking!
Yeah, i sent mine something
Yeah, i sent mine something similar a long time ago. We were on the verge of splitting and I said "here this is what I have had to start doing because of all that is going on"
I never heard anything about it. Its as if he never read it. I hope you have a much better response.
I wouldn't even bother giving
I wouldn't even bother giving it to GG. He thinks everything I present to him is "crap." He poo pooed Divorce Poison when he was embroiled in a high conflict divorce.
Consider this: 1) Tell your
Consider this:
1) Tell your DH that the next time he starts shouting you will be leaving for 24 hrs with your daughter. You want to discuss things calmly and reach an agreement even if you decide to disagree with each other.
2) You like his son, you don't like his behaviour. Ask your DH would he allow his son to be rude to a teacher or a stanger? The answer will be no. Then why does he allow him to be rude to you?
3) He sees his son as his heir and carrier of his genes. The is his 'mini-me' so when you criitisize his son you are critisizing him. Again, this is about his son's behaviour and not his son.
4)Saying you are not 'appreciated' obviously has a different meaning to your DH than to you. So it is like communicating with someone from another country and you both get frustrated. Instead try this "I feel sad when you ignore SS throwing books across the room. When I tell him not to do it you get angry. This makes me upset. How can WE teach him otherwise?"
5) When his son throws a throws a temper tantrum get down at his level and whisper at him to stop right now. He will stop yelling because he cannot yell and listen at the same time.
6) Ask your DH what he would like you to do with his son when he is rude or mean to you or BD1, how you want his son to settle into your family routine.
If he insists on yelling and screaming (BOTH of them and you wonder where your SS learns his behaviour from DUH!)tell him he is putting his marriage in jeopary and you nedd to consider family counselling as a group.
In any step-parent situation the other parent must ALWAYS remember it take one change of mind, one run-in with the law or a heart to stop beating for that child to become a permenent feature in your home. Sacry, sad but true.
I agree with all the wise
I agree with all the wise posters above--you may be one of those MAJORITY of women who simply cannot "announce" their disengagement without experiencing WWIII.
I just gradually started doing less and less for the skids since it wasn't appreciated. I got screamed at one time for serving day old hot dog rolls to the three "angels" that weren't brand name!! The HORRORS!!
I stopped ghost writing for him to get the skids grades. Now the youngest is in third grade and GG has NEVER received anything from his school for him. Because the Behemoth purposely tries to keep all info from GG. I experienced a tongue lashing for "getting too involved."
These men want their cake and eat it too. No way! Just gradually start doing less and less. Tough I know, but let H help his son with his reading. If there are any questions just say: I'm sorry but I'm unable to help SS with his (insert task); you previously indicated that I'm just not the right person to do it."
Let him stew and say stupid stuff like "you're twisting my words" when in fact he's twisting yours.
Is there a BM in the picture? If so he's probably afraid that he'll lose his children back to her if he or you parent traditionally (TM)
New Mama, Firstly, your SS
New Mama,
Firstly, your SS being allowed to treat any adult with disrespect, much less someone who is KIND ENOUGH to be there & do things for him, even though she (YOU) doesn't have to is NOT OKAY! Your DH needs to wake up & smell the damn coffee!
Secondly, as far as homework goes...my SO tried to tell me I was doing it "wrong" even though SS went from being a straight C student to being a straight A student...both my MIL (LOVE HER!!!) & I told him he was MORE THAN WELCOME to do HIS KIDS homework with them...I was doing it to be nice & if it was going to start arguments, I would stop.
Your statement "All he knows is I point out SS's flaws all the time, I'm the one complaining, I'm the one yelling and disciplining. I'm the bad guy, thus, it's all my fault." could have been written by me a few years ago. I started to pick ONE behavior per child that I found unacceptable then take it to my SO as "constructive criticism" versus what he viewed as an attack on his child or his parenting. If you can give a suggestion to help FIX the issue, it seems like less of a mountain to climb. Also, pointing out that if HE disciplines & if HE yells, then you don't have to.
I recently went through similar (only I was told that it was MY FAULT because the SKids had no rules before I came around)...my blog is http://steptalk.org/node/50907 & http://steptalk.org/node/50934 I really do understand where you are coming from...I'm posting the links to avoid this response getting too long.
Best of luck to you & I certainly hope that your DH comes through with an apology & flowers.
If communication fails, then this board is full of people who disengaged & seem to be much happier because of it.