My husband read this and said you're wrong.

I say if my husband took my daughter, the one that's MINE and not his, to this party against my express wishes, I'd cut him off at the short hairs. My husband is raising my DD as his own, but he would not pull a stunt like that.

Im afraid I wouldnt be impressed by this either. If my OH took my daughter anywhere against my wishes, his bags would have been packed upon his return, and I can vouch that he would be exactly the same towards me. You simply DO NOT go against a Bio parent.

In had this happen myself, BM is a B***h. SD6 had a birthday party for her 4th Bday, and invited us all (OH, myself and my daughter) along to share it with all her family (who have all equally been B***hes too) . I flat point refused before my OH had even finished his sentence. He, admittedly, was not happy, accused me of second besting his daughter and putting a bad feeling on her Bday and that he would do anything for my daughter and he was disgusted I wouldnt put my ill feelings to one side for his daughter. HOWEVER.....after a few hours, he thought it through and agreed that for him to expect me and my daughter to go after what his Ex had put us through was the disgusting act, and not me refusing. He totally understood.

Has there been problems between your Ex and Current wife prior to this??

The thing you have to understand is, the Ex is nothing to do with your life and future, only your son. The Ex should play no part in your life, your plans nothing at all!!

Whilst its commendable to bring all three up to protect and be there for each other (I have BD6, SD6, SS17 and SS19 and planning a child of our own), this will probably happen naturally anyway, but it will not be as strong as you want it to be. They will be close, due to the ages and they will be their for each other, but the kind of relationship you want is not possible simply because they are not blood siblings. Most of us have bio kids and step kids, and whilst some all get on some dont. You cannot force the this, they are children and not everyone gets along, you have to realise that.

Unless you adopted the SD, you were wrong to take her A Ffgafter her mother told you she didn't want her to go. No matter what lessons you're trying to teach the kids, when it's all said and done, that is not your child.

You overstepped...You should not have done it unless you were in agreement...It's a principal of marriage...you should have sat down as a married couple and discussed it until an agreement could be reached...Being able to successfully communicate through these tough issues is the key to making your marriage strong...a great book to help with communication issues in your marriage is called an everlasting promise, by daniels is the last name...May be she doesn't understand you goals with the kids...maybe she doesn't agree with them...sounds like you came into agreement with your ex and not her...(I'm sure she felt threatened by that, since it was a decision regarding her daughter)...so, now she probably doesn't trust you at the moment, and that will have to heal...What you did had noble intentions...it was the way you went about doing it that won't contribute to a healthy relationship with your present wife...i would be livid if you pulled a stunt like that...You need to send your present wife the message that she matters in all of the decisions regarding her family...After all, she sits in a seat of authority next to you...ordained by God...and the children and everyone else falls under that authority...or there will eventually be chaos...What you did was undermined her authority when it comes to her children...if she has not given you permission with the authority over her own children...(That will require extra trust in a second marriage...where in your first marriage it was a given...Now she has to choose to let you play that role....What you did was, in essence take away her choice in the matter.....Great book read it. Hope it helps you both...

As much as I've tried to minimize the blurred lines of a blended family, it just doesn't work. As much as I wish the step-siblings could all be like it was with my siblings growing up, it doesn't work. It just plain sucks.

To address the original topic, I would never let my BD go within 10 miles of my husband's ex.

Oh boy- if you were my husband and did that with my girls I would want to knock you outside the head with my oxygen tank And BM and I get along to the point where she will watch the girls for the afternoon if I am at the doctor/hospital and her kids are going to be here so she and her husband can go out for their anniversary! You can't trample your wife's wishes like that without huge difficulties later. Like divorce if you keep it up.

I really have to agree with a lot of what has already been said. For the past couple years my bkids and I have attended bday parties for skids at bm's house. Well, in the past 6 months she's made our lives very difficult and so has her family. I no longer care to be around any of them. I told my SO we'd be having our own party for skids here. If he wants to stop by BM's party fine, but it'll be without us.

There is also a school event coming up for sd14 and I told him I won't be attending that either. I refuse to put my kids in that uncomfortable situation or myself. He said he's sad but respects my decision.

You have to respect each other's choices even if you don't agree. Mutual respect is key.

I don't think anyone hit on this, so I want to. You should be more concerned about the example the adults are setting as far as marriage/divorce rather than worrying about a bond between the step-siblings. If you get along with your ex and want to do everything together "for the kids," it sets the example for kids that either you didn't take your marriage seriously or just didn't care enough about the kids (or your son) to make it work out. Even adults ask the question, "If you can get along that well after divorce, why couldn't you make it work out?" So don't fake anything. And don't even open the door to that example. Just be done with the ex. If I were your son in the stage that you want to set, I would think you are going to get back together OR it was my fault you divorced.

Jhorne2000, I agree with the comments of the others. My suggestion is for you to concentrate on making your home a happy home with your wife and all of the children when they are together instead of taking it outside of your home.

My DH has expected me to get along with his Ex/BM and I deeply resent it. Maybe his Ex/BM is not the worse person in the world but she is definitly not someone I want to hang around with socially or otherwise nor do I want my children around her.

The Ex/BM has done several things to undermine my authority and position within "our" family (DH, me, my kids, SS) and for DH to expect me to spend any time with her and PRETEND we all are one big happy family irritates me to no end.

I have had her in our home for meetings with my DH, I have tried to tolerate her but the more DH expects this of me the more I resent it. My family and my life should not have to include BM. DH doesn't understand this. DH thinks that I should have to tolerate her because they have a son together. I say hogwash!!!

There is plenty of divorced people that go on and raise healthy, happy children and don't have to socialize with their EX/BM.

Our children will grow up, they will have friends and have a social life and everyone they socialize or communicate with does not have to be MY friend.

IF he wanted a big happy family and wanted them to be together all of the time then he should have stayed with BM and left me alone because my idea of happiness and family does not include BM!!!

To be honest I can not even tolerate her voice and I hate it when she calls must less having to actually see her. I don't care whether he thinks my feelings are justified or not. If he thinks that much of her vs me then why didn't he talk her into staying...

So man, you are barking up the wrong tree and as others have said concentrate on making your wife feel happy and secure and the children will follow your example of a healthy, happy family with a strong loving bond!

Its unfortunate that my wife doesnt place as high a priority on that

^^^ Oh, and this comment is ridiculous. Just because your wife doesn't want her other children to attend a party at the EX's house you insinuate that she doesn't place having a blended/bonded family as a priority. :jawdrop:

You say your wife has some legitimate reasons to hate your ex. I wonder what those are. Because considering my DH's ex has been violent, volatile, a screaming, berating, ranting mess that is unpredictable, and seriously crazy, I would make DH's life a living hell if he took our kid around his ex. I'm fairly indifferent about her, I don't hate her by any means. But I still would not let my child go to an event where she would be near my kid. She Does hate me. She does hate my husband. No in her twisted world that means she would feel justified in hating our child.

I don't know what your ex is like, but I would be seriously concerned for my child's safety and it has nothing to do with what kind of man or protector my DH is. It just has to do with his ex being a total psycho. You don't say much about the situation, but to me it would have nothing to do with hating the ex or not thinking the sibling bond is important. It would be about feeling the need to protect my child from DH's ex's effing crazy.

One more question, would you take all of the children to your wife's Ex's house for a birthday party or insist they all go to a party with THAT side of the "family"?

I'm not understanding why second wives are expected to "get along with" first wives.

Why do WE have to do that after our husbands got divorced because THEY themselves couldn't get along with first wife?

Sorry can't see how that makes any sense.

For SD's b-day last year(which would've been the first year for us), my bio's and I were invited to her party. I felt waaaayyy too uncomfortable for that. Months before that, BM was standing outside in the rain in the middle of the night for who knows what reason, screaming obscenities. I didn't even ask my bio's if they wanted to go(well, one's to young to ask anyway) or even tell them. I politely said no thank you and said it would be uncomfortable. It was left at that and DH was just fine.

This year, however, we will see what happens. BM just got a DIU and with SD's b-day in just 3 months, I'm sure at that time BM will be dumping all her money into getting her license back; maybe I won't even have to say no. lol

I wasn't talking about the safety of the skating rink or whatever. I was talking about your ex being a safe person. And your idea of what is safe and acceptable may be very different than your wife's. you procreated with the woman, your wife did not. She doesn't have to be ok with Her children being around your ex just because they are related to your son. Your super unspecific response to why your wife hates your ex makes me think that based on new second's post that your ex has tried to seriously undermine your wife as an authority figure, not only to your son but to Her children as well. Particularly since you did that yourself when she said no and you took not only your together daughter but Her daughter. And you really think this is about sibling bonding not being important enough? To me this wouldn't be just a "stunt", this is some incredibly damaging disrespectful behavior on your part.

Also why does it matter so much that she hates your X?

It almost sounds like you find this to be extremely hurtful on her part.

If you and Xare really done does it really matter if your wife doesn't like her?

It almost sounds like you're a teensy bit defensive of X in this regard.

I could be reading too much into it though.

If so, beg pardon.

*

Well you've certainly got all the gals riled up here. Surely you weren't surprised at the responses. Personally my first thought was that since it was your ex and her kids extending the invitation to your other kids, that it was only the polite thing to accept the invitation. I mean its very confusing that it is the BM that is making this friendly family overature only to be rebuffed by the new wife. It sure makes the new wife look like she cant play well with others. But maybe new wife knows it wasn't an honest invitation. Maybe she thinks that crafty BM is up to some antics. Its obvious this is more about new wife's suspicions. If not, then new wife hasn't the same interest in blending as you. I would try to find out which one it really is since this will just keep popping up.

jhonrne, I'm going to disagree here, as usual. A party at a neutral site? Of course the girls should go. I'm impressed that you and your ex are working on building a courteous relationship, and yes, of course the kids should get to know each other. And they will take their cues from the parents, so yes, any kind of open antipathy on anyone's side is going to be a problem.

How in the holy heck people see this as putting the kids before Wife2 just befuddles me. I would love it if the Biomum in my world would ever consider any kind of mutual party, but she won't even acknowledge my existence.

I get that you see my assessment of disrespectful and damaging as overboard, but honestly, I'm not sure what else you can couch it as.

Your wife said no, the girls can't go. You then unilaterally decided to take them anyway. Against her wishes. And one of those children as far as I can tell, isn't legally yours. I appreciate that you look at all the kids as "your babies" and that's super sweet and a nice goal. She wasn't ok, wasn't comfortable with this. And it's not about your ex being able to change their moral compasses or Whatever. But if she's been petty and mean and disrespectful in the past and doesn't care about "collateral damage" by which I imagine you mean she's happy to hurt her own son to "win" a fight, doesn't it make sense that shed have no problem saying something truly rotten about their mother to the girls if the mood struck her? The ex is "rotten to the core" but hey, let's go anyway.

And I Get that it was for your son. I do. He is the one you wanted the girls to be there for. Your Ex is the one your wife wanted to protect them from. And unfortunatly, they were in the same place at the same time. To you, it's all about your son and making him happy. Your wife can't keep your son from his.... interesting.... mother. Your girls, she should be able to protect from the crazy ex. You took that from her. You decided her concerns, her feelings, her authority and desire to make good choices for her Cildren was less important than you not having to tell your son she said no. I, personally, find that very disrespectful to your wife. If my husband did that, it would be a breach of trust, a breach of respect, and a blatant disregard for how I wanted to protect my children.

To me, to be so disregarded, would be damaging to the relationship. It would influence how I viewed him, how I viewed the relationship. It would make me trust him less. It would make me respect him less. I see that as damage to the relationship. But perhaps your wife views things much differently than I do.

There is some argument to be made that you have equal right to say no she's going about the 'ours' kid, that's why I focused on the hers kid. If you haven't adopted the older girl, then legally, you don't have the same amount of say. Legally she's the one that gets to make that decision and your 'stunt' would be interpreted as a breach of law if your wife had been pissed enough to go to the poli over it. /shrugs
Hopefully everyone is same enough it wouldn't get there, but that's why I sort of focused on that.

People here are outright rude. OP came to this forum to get clarity. What he got was hysteria. Everyone seeing his story through their own. His ex was vilified, the SM was freaking sainted. And the poor man, who constantly showed his ability to show humility was badgered. No, OP is obviously not welcome here. This was a case of someone braving the frontline - even with white flag in hand at times, only to be shot down. I'm sure everyone got through to him. Sounds like he made the "right" decision, his wife is enjoying her vindication and OP realizes now that families fractured truly cannot be mended.

*jhorne2000* I started reading your blog last post first and assumed I would disagree with *Generic* calling you a "poor man", but as I went back to p. 1 and started reading, I found myself agreeing with *Generic* because you had not provided any information about your ex's character, so too many assumptions were being made that she might be toxic.

At first I thought perhaps your current wife might be acting like a future BM2 and how sad for your little boy not to be able to have his sisters attend his skate party. I would have loved to have the type of relationship with my SO's ex where we could all be civil and OCCASIONALLY attend the same events for my skids without confrontation (from her).

BUT, then I arrived half way down to page 2 and there it was, "Specifically my ex is a toxic person. Rotten to the core. Judgemental. Manipulative. Doesn't believe in anything. No sense of family. Its hard it wage a war with her honestly because she doesn't care about collateral damage. Fighting with someone who has no moral bounds is exceptionally difficult."

Seriously. Tell your son that while your daughters (step and bio) cannot attend his skate party, you will all plan to go skating together as a family in about one or two weeks and DO IT!

I know you thought that your wife was being emotional and you were only thinking of your son, but that is the problem. You set aside too many realities, past, present and future, in regards to the toll a man can let a "toxic, rotten to the core, judgmental, manipulative, etc. ex-wife take on his nuclear family.

I have a BD6 and SD6, and SS17 and SS19. Whilst BD6 and SD6 are fully aware that they are step-sisters, they still (for now at least) call themselves sisters if anyone asks them. If I say otherwise, I get scowled at (I s**t you not! lol)

OH and I are trying for a baby, our own, again the Girls know that they will technically be half siblings, however, both OH and myself were surprised that they have said they are looking forward to their "new brother or sister".....no half lark.

If they are specifically asked, they explain properly. They are aware at 6 the situation they are in, and I think thats how it should be. Trying to create a false hood will only end in disappointment and resentment

My H tries to force these things and the kids are old enough now to see how the other side really is.

They resent it. They can't stand the others. The others gossip about everyone else as soon as they leave the room.

They play games and cause all kinds of scenes and drama.

My kids want absolutely nothing to do with these people but they sometimes go anyway to keep H happy.

To add we all get bullied with the "but it's family" card.

Even in nuclear families there are toxic people that are best left alone.

Thank you ALL for your advice, encouragement and incite. It is much appreciated and hopefully has helped my husband to understand or at least have a little bit of perspective from my viewpoint.

Yes, that makes me the wife.

Yes, he showed me the thread. He is very open, honest and communicative with me on all subject areas.

This (the ex) is the only topic we ever disagree or argue about. Hopefully this thread and a few of your pieces of solid advice will help us in that area. I'm looking for positive things to come from this. Again, thank you all.

I thinks its great that your actually thinking about whats best for the kids!!
BUT..

Your philosophy doesn't make much sense if your not in tune with your wife!!

If you have all the children 100% of the time? I can understand.

But what you should start realizing is

THE BEST GIFT YOU GIVE TO HER CHILDREN IS TO LOVE THEIR MOTHER!

And respect her wishes.