"I am so resentful at him for driving a wedge between my husband and I and myself and my won kids. I always tell myself I am aware of my feelings and am an adult, but I cant make them go away."

Your husband needs to put a stop to that. Your husband is letting ss drive a wedge in between you (I know how this is from personal experiences).

The visitation thing needs to be nipped too. Bouncing him back and forth from living with Mom to living with Dad to living with Mom is probably not helping things either. He's probably acting out for attention. Kids to need a schedule and some sense of stability. It sounds like the adults are letting this child manipulate them. I truly believe you will not get over these feelings unless your DH takes care of the issues. Maybe your family could go to counseling together? I would also step back and let your husband handle his son. He is not your child (this is coming from a full time stepmom).

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Curlyq you need to disengage yourself- Not your kid Not your problem. He is your DH's son, HE should be dealing and worrying about that child, not you. That's what I have done and it helps, whenever I see or hear ss's/sd's doing something that IMO is wrong or irritating, I do and say nothing - I use my mantra Not my kid Not my problem. YOU are not responsible for how he turns out, his Bios are.

I also spend a lot of time in my room, I stay as far away from them as possible. I let DH handle/visit them. After all they are HIS children, I had nothing to do with their making and even if I would try to have something to do with them; I would be re-buffed, their BM dislikes me (because I don't kneel when she's in my presence).

Do any of these blended family situations truly work? I am both a BM and a SM. I can see both sides. My ex married someone 15 yrs younger than him. My two kids who were in their early teens were forced to automatically accept this new wife and her 2 kids unconditionally. At first she was very nice to my kids showering them with expensive gifts, etc. Then after settling in she started complaining about the kids, telling on them. My daughter had a myspace page that her step mom would spy on, never mind that step mom had her own myspace with explicit photos of her fat ass posted. One thing that was odd, the new wife spent all holidays with her ex husband and his new wife. If my kids wanted to see their dad on Christmas, they had to celebrate it at their new stepmom's ex husband's home. All of a sudden this woman was controlling my holidays.

Long story short, my kids both started acting up and getting into trouble. Who do you think got blamed for that? Was it their father who married someone he knew a few months and threw the kids into all sorts of chaos...OHHHHH NO. It was me. Obviously I was a lax mother.

Long story short, this new step mom moved in, married, created conflict and trouble and after 4 short years divorced my ex.

My kids have now reconnected with their dad and both are productive, college educated young adults.

I can, however, see the other side. I am a SM with 2 s/kids. I tolerate them but can't really stand either one of them.

My s/daughter lives with us now but after 12 yrs of knowing her, I am not any further bonded with her than I was when I first met her.

It's so bad that every night instead of asking me "what's for dinner" she asks her dad and he asks me and then responds to her. I've told him and her many times "I am the one who cooks, why don't you ask me" I think it is rude but my husband allows it to continue to happen again and again.

The SS rarely visits and that's fine with me. When he was here everyother week when he was younger it was nothing but a pain. He intentionally started problems. Would constantly talk about "mom does this, Mom said that" Who the hell cares what your mom says.

So my point for all this rambling is to tell you I see both sides of your issue.

I would recommend you get counseling. You SS is headed down the road of real problems and although you can disengage, your SS problems will still be your problems because they will adversely impact your husband, which will impact you and your 2 children. It's a no win situation for any of you.

A good counselor can help you all to deal with things. You may not love your step son or even like him but you can learn to tolerate him. I suspect he knows you hate him and he acts out even more.

First of all, I am not certain you really hate your SS, himself. If you do have bad feelings toward him, it is because of what he has DONE to you and your family! Second, it sounds like SS is none too fond of you guys either, including his dad?

Maybe put it down to SS being a teen, but don't feel bad about how you feel. You did not just imagine the things that have happened and are happening - they are really happening! I know you know this, but for example, my DH claims to 'not see' any issues between me and my SD18. All I can think of is that your SS has more freedom, than he has maturity. Maybe as time goes by, you will feel better?? (hoping)

But don't feel bad, it is not like you are poking pins in a voodoo doll or something, you are not evil for not being happy when all your lives are being disrupted in this way! Have you talked to your DH about this and what did he say? Is there a way for you, SS, DH or any combination of the above, to see a counselor?

_________________________________________________________
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers

I am a step mom and have had similar issues. You need to address the issues you have with your husband as he is the only one who can help. I felt angry towards my step kids until i did this. Looking back now, i was having these problems with them because i was tired and blamed them for the issues i was having with my partner because he simply gave me no help. he needs to lead the way with discipline. He needs to learn how to deal with his ex wife in a way that is beneficial for the kids, not one that shuts her up or gets her off his back. take a supportive role in this. Demand a set routine regarding the time they spend with you and his ex. You're not butting in just by asking him and his ex get organized. If it helps, remember that they are just kids (even if they are sulky pain in the butt selfish teens!!) and when they act out it is because they are probably unhappy. It sounds like your stepson is trundled around alot and probably feels very unwanted. No matter how horrid they are try try try to remember that they have been lumped with this situation too. If im honest- it sounds like you and your husband are having problems, is that most likely the root of your unhappiness? Try and identify what it is about you stepsons behaviour that bugs you the most, is it that you feel you can't control him? or get no respect? Address the problem that way to your husband, that you hate your stepsons behaviour, not your stepson. Ask your husband to take a stronger role to help you- if you don't know what you need, neither will he. You can have the happy wonderful life you want and be the loving mom you want to be (which I'm sure you are, don't be too hard on yourself!) but you need to get organised. Work out what you want from this life and what you need to change to get it and try to work with your husband, he is your ally in this. Remember that by addressing problems in a different way he will hear you and not get hurt, and you can deal with it. This step parent thing can be a pain in the backside, but it can be pretty wonderful if you work hard enough to get it right. Relationships are difficult, especially with kids and ex'es, but if you can get your relationship with your husband to be the shelter in the storm, it will be a piece of cake...sortof all the best

Hello,

This a very surreal situation for me. I was searching on google "despise my stepson" when I came across this forum and this post.

It almost shocked me because I have been in the exact same situation for the last four years. I have the same feelings toward my stepson. Even down to the way he walks, eats and showers, just about everything he does creeps me out.

He was living with his father for a year but his father decided he was better off living with us in our tiny apartment while his father lived in a large 3 bedroom house. No doubt his father was simply tired of having him around.

My stepson has done everything imaginable to drive a wedge between me and my common-law partner. Five years of constant complaints about where we live, complaints about he has nothing to do. It took three years for him to shower more than once a week. He lies about everything to point now whenever he talks I don`t believe him or really don`t care.

He always has bad reports from school, blames other kids for all his troubles. He makes his father sound like the best thing in the world, while he runs us down especially me. His father was the one who kicked him out yet he apparently "rocks", probably because he always gives him money.

He`s 18 this year and started talking about moving out when he graduates. I cannot wait for that day, he is like an unwelcome growth that will finally be gone.

We have done everything for him, tried to encourage him to work and have his own money but he lies and makes excuses that there are no jobs. He would rather stick his hand out and bum money from his mother, or go see his father when he needs more money. His father figures give him a few bucks and he has done his bit until the next week.

Since I have been with my partner, he has never once got her a card or anything for her birthday, nothing for X-mas. He always has money from somewhere as he spends his time at the store for chips, yet he comes out with a lame excuse that he doesn`t have the money to buy a birthday card.

I work from 8am to 5pm, he gets in from school just after I get in. As soon as I heard his keys going in the door it sets my head off and my mood instantly goes downhill. He opens his bedroom door and I am welcomed by the smell of body odour from his room drifting into the living room. He is too lazy to open a window, or put dirty laundry in the basket. I told my partner to stop cleaning his room, it has remained filthy for months. He showers once a week if we are lucky.

I told my partner once he hits 18 he better start packing his bags because I am sick to death of the way he treats us like crap, especially his mother. He always makes snide remarks quietly because he knows she has poor hearing. I hear it but I try not to get angry as I don`t want to upset my partner. She knows my feelings toward this creature which is what my mind thinks of him. I know deep down she is tired and fed up of him and cannot wait until he goes but it is difficult as a mother for her as she is torn, I do appreciate that.

Some times we can go weeks where me and him will not utter a word. I am quite happy to go along like he doesn`t exist. It is the only way I can deal with it by getting it into my head that he doesn`t exist. A few weeks ago he spoke to me for the first time in weeks, he was looking for money. I could smell his breath from the other side of the room. The fact he spoke four or five words "hey you got a couple of bucks". He hadn`t spoke to me in week prior to that.

He has done some truly unforgivable things in my eyes. Our dear cat who was a good friend, he was sick and couldn`t walk (we ended up having him put down). We asked him to watch over him for 20 minutes so we could go get our friends carrier and take the cat to the vet. We came back to find him upstairs on the phone laughing and joking around with his dad and bumming for money, the cat was left alone screaming and crying. I literally exploded and to this day all I see is this selfish horrible creature. A new cat who we have a few years, we never let the cat go in his room. Once day I heard the cat scream, that dumb creature dropped his school bag him. He laughed about it, this was the closest time I have come to punching his head because the kid disgusts me. The cat means far more to me than this creature does. I just remind myself, don`t get into trouble, he will be 18 in a few more months, he will done high school and legally he can go.

I have told my partner once he moves out she had better plan any visits of him coming here when I am working. I will be really happy if I never have to see him again.

I have missed a lot of information out that goes back on our history, but is just so nice to be able vent with people who have been in similar situations.

In my opinion, disengaging works great - until you have kids of your own. And husband's dont take too kindly to his wife disengaging from his kid, while you carry on doting after your own (as if there's something wrong with that?). If you ask me, as long as that kid has to keep spending any amount of time in your house and around your kids, he is GOING to be an influence on your kids, and stepping back to let DH take the blame for how screwed up he turns out...isnt going to bode well for your own kids??

Unless DH is on board with taking over as parent of SS, then no...none of these blended family situations ever work out. And dont ever second guess being a strict parent! I have stood my ground and held the same position for the last 12 years. Nothing has changed. I'm just as resentful as ever about SS, and DH is still just as spiteful towards me no matter WHAT I do or dont do...so I've stopped trying. If being as nice as I can muster isnt good enough, and I'm going to be criticized the same as if I'd told the kid I wish he would go home, then why do I bother? So I dont anymore. I refuse to let SS come to our house, because why should he? I mean...he is NOT part of our family? And since DH wont even acknowledge how he acts when SS is around, then we are at an impass. It's not like it's "good for" anyone (SS included) for him to come invade our lives, so DH goes and does his Disney Dad thing (DH stays at his mother's house with the kid, and they indulge him together) eow.

But we have a ton of other history as well, and I'm in a position to really call most of the shots when it comes to our girls. And the house we live in is actually mine, so...it pretty much IS up to me. Hell, the way I see it...I've been saying for YEARS that "I dont hate SS, I dont even know him!" and that if only DH were open to seeing the reality that I see, things might be different, but they're not, and I"m ok with that. Usually DH is ok with it, some days he decides he's not and blows up at me...but then he gets over it. Whatever. I just cant wait til that kid is 18 and hopefully gets a life. Then maybe the stupid "mandatory sleepovers with daddy" can be done, and the CS can be done, and we can just go on like normal people who see their relatives on various holidays/occasions (at least thats how we are with our extended families).

Oh..gotta go! good luck

I KNOW I hate mine. }:)

Oh wow! I had to register just to post a comment. I was beating myself up thinking that I was the only one in the world who feels this way. I CAN NOT STAND my stepson. Maybe it's because his mom is a stupid little b***h who wants no responsibility whatsoever. The good thing is that I don't have to deal with him all the time, only in the summer. I just got into an argument with her (stepson's mom) because she brought him up here from her state that's about 7 hours away from us and told him (stepson) that he can stay for the summer. I told her that it IS NOT up to her how long he can stay. This is not her home and she can't make that call. I said that he can stay for a couple of weeks maybe three but that's it because she is still getting child support for the time while he is up here eating up ALL THE DAMN FOOD and constantly being a little brat by asking for everything.
She brings him up here in the most ragged clothes that she can find and busted shoes. I'm always telling my husband that I know that he has better clothes, but she sends him like that so that my husband can buy him a whole new wardrobe. If she didn't play so many games it wouldn't be so bad. I get mad at my husband and stepson's mom because they always talk and make plans about him being with us when I AM THE ONE who will be watching him. I just can't put up with him. He chews with his mouth open and he always eats way more than my own kids. We barely have money to feed ourselves and I tell my husband that he needs to put a limit on how much he eats. Then my ss is always in my face talking..talking..talking..
He is also a noisy little thing always trying to listen in on my conversation. I can't wait for him to go home!!

My DH has regular visitation EOW with his 14yo son, and this was set up when SS was an infant. The BM has since had 2 more kids, got married (in that order), moved an hour away, and still doesnt work. Nothing has ever changed with the visitation orders and since DH and BM dont really speak, it's quite aggravating. All transportation is on DH, regardless of her moving, and the pickup time (4p on Friday) isnt even realistic because we work! She ALSO got it put in the orders that she SENDS NOTHING. The kid comes with the shirt on his back. Period. And I'm sorry, but the weather in Ohio is not very cooperative, and sending spiderman flipflops that are falling apart wont quite cut if for church! Also it could be 80 degrees on Friday, then 60 on Sunday, but who cares...DH is supposed to just "provide" clothes, a jacket, etc...and in the beginning, it was diapers and formula also. SS would literally change diaper sizes before we used an entire package! (and he potty trained very late, and is gigantic for his age) Think about it, eow visits means approx 6 visits per season (3 months) and SS would need different clothes for different seasons, and different sizes...this issue just grates on my last nerve when DH pays exorbitant trumped up CS for that kid cuz she wont work! When I contemplated divorcing DH, I was told that DH didnt make enough to give me anything for our 2 daughters because she was already taking the max for that kid! ....dont even get me started.....and ppl wonder why I wont have anything to do with that kid (I dont allow the visits in my home anymore).

my step son ruined my marriage: but it really wasn't his fault.

I just happened across StepTalk this afternoon: still searching for answers to the end of an 18 year relationship and marriage. I too struggled with a very difficult, blended family situation that I see now was doomed from the beginning because my ex husband wasn't able to discipline his children or back me when I tried to step in and help.
I have just spent 18 years in a relationship that is totally over, no contact... no friendship, alot of resentment, not a good situation and it all started with the selfish behavior of a child who knowingly caused problems once he realized his father did not have the backbone to discipline him.
The objective of sharing this with anyone who might read it... is to share the reality of the situation with you.
I waited many years for my ex to raise his children, we did split up and live in seperate households because I could not handle the chaotic behavior and lack of routine and discipline. I respected his need to raise his son's the way he believed they should be raised. He and I were very happy for 4,5 years in a combined household with my 2 children, because they knew my expectations and did not want to disappoint either myself or their stepfather. Once his older son joined our household all hell broke loose, rules changed, priorities changed and at first I felt compassionate toward my ex and his older son, understanding the needs of both. I let things slide as long as I could! I asked him to address his sons disruptive behavior but my ex didn't or wouldn't see it and just began spending more and more time at work.
It never got better... our marriage suffered, the once happy household grew miserable and I lost my haven. Over the years we did everything possible to do what we thought was preserving our marriage: seperate households, his was more like a fraternity house but oh well that's what they liked! Seperate families....grew into seperate lives. My ex wasn't happy with the relationships he had with his boys, but he wouldn't change anything so we just kept going... dating one another, making future plans...just make it through their leaving the house. We loved each other, or so I thought... there were no affairs, we worked our butts off supporting two households... in the end... total waste of 8 years of my life. Just before the finish line...a vibrant, no baggage new woman came along and surprise he is in love and getting married just months after meeting her.
Honesty on the table??? We both were resentful. I wanted him to be the father of a blended family which he obviously was never going to be and he was angry with me for not being able to fix things... My suggestion to any step parent writing into StepTalk.. after initial counseling and attempts at dealing with the chaos of disruptive personalities, if it isn't working and really making you crazy... get out. I allowed my whole life to get off track, made me miserable making all the one sided compromises and in the end it still didn't work out.
Sad for ALL the kids involved, alot of sacrifice from all of us but only one that came out happy was the ex... selfish years ago to not respect my role as a stepmother= selfish now to have bagged it all and fallen in love (unintentially of course) with someone new. His sons learned ???? Dad did this for us but in the end... living without his wife and all the sacrifices amount to 'total waste of time.' my kids were shown total lack of respect as so was I. We just avoided the reality of the whole situation... and wasted alot of time:)

:jawdrop: I cannot believe it has gotten to this point. I know that your ss must feel all of your anxiety and you really are not helping your kids by being a mean mom. Your husband has to step up to the plate and take responsibility for this. This child has basically been abandoned by his mother and he is not happy. He is taking his frustrations out on school and everyone involved. He needs therapy or a place to chill out while you and your husband set boundaries for this child who is learning that disrespect will get him: freedom to take over your house, it will null his responsibility of facing you because you stay in your room until he leaves, he has no obligations to fulfill because he has the CONTROL in the house everyone fears rocking the boat . That is not a way for the family to live. And it is not fair but your husband and yourself have to be proactive and deal . How would you feel if you knew wherever you go you are unwanted?. This kid hs so many issues and they start with the BM. You have sacrificed your marriage now and there will be nothing left if this child is not put on tract. You have other children to raise. And they are not getting the best of you and that is not right. My ss is in rehab now , he lies he is selfish and you cannot tell him anything. He loves me and I love him ...His mother has been told to start stepping up and quit being so selfish. It was not until I got them to my therapist (who by the way sees them now ) to tell her :"you are a mom, that is what your job is". And everyone around her threw their hands up and stopped helping her be the selfish person that she is . That she finally said oh oh . And now even her husband my ss's sf is letting her take the reigns. Until the BM and BD take the situation and rationalize and put everyone in their place by taking on responsibility of this child . Things will never change and that is what led to my soon divorce and countless others.

The thing is, dislike, distrust and resentment doesn't necessarily end when they're 18 and out of the house. My SS moved in with us at age 16, fall 2008, after his bio-mom said she couldn't handle him. I didn't have a strong good or bad opinion of him before he moved in because I did not see him much-holiday family gatherings on his dad's side. It was great for the first 6 months. He did typical teen stupid stuff, but never blatently disrespected me or his father- was a slob, but kept in in his part of the house; went out but was mostly back by curfew; helped with chores though it took nagging and bribing; etc. He, his father and I all prefered having him with us than at his bio-mom. SS was getting ready to graduate early (summer 2009) and wanted to enroll in mechanic school after graduation, so much so that HE scheduled an appointment for the recruiter to come to our house, we enrolled him, and we started paying.

Then the next 6 months he failed graduating early, started partying hard (broke INTO our house one night while we were gone with his friends-nothing stolen),doing poorly at work and sneaking out. The not-so sneaking out was occuring 2-3 nights a week-we put up cameras (so we could know for sure when he was coming and going), changed locks (he took an entire door off by the hinges) and switched his room so he was physically next to our bedroom (he cut out the window screen). We tried everything-talking,discussing, shouting, bribing (bought him a used car which he only paid 1/3 back). Finally, knowing something was wrong, we called the police who had a chat with him .

Well, a week after we called the police in fall 2009 he walked out of our house with an adult brother (also my SS) a few months before his 18th b-day, straight back to his bio-mom who promptly welcomed him back with open arms. A month after that, he was caught running drugs-definitely explains his change in behavior though bio-mom swore he was an angel in that one month at her house.

To this day, mid 2010, he's now 18 and we have spoken with SS exactly 3 times since he walked out -Graduation, Christmas, yesterday-Father's day. His clothes are still at our house. I am angry that we were willing and able to spend the time and money on him to get him started on life and that he dumped it all. Yes, he took a wrong turn, but he still won't (can't?) acknowledge it and is still semi-invovled in that lifestyle. His father and I are willing to help again,but on our terms-like continuing to pay back the car, going to school or holding a steady job, not living with an underage girlfriend and her family.

I don't necessarily hate SS, but I am angry and feel stupid that I WANTED to provide for him, spent $$ on him and he just didn't care. I am also angry that husband's family keeps hinting that we need to make up with SS because he needs help. Well, I want for SS to say he is sorry for sneaking out, sorry foregoing an eduation that was already partially paid for (money lost), and sorry bringing drugs into our house (pills were found the day he walked out when we searched his room). I am getting resentful that husband's family is starting to side with SS rather than us parents who tried and are still willing to try again (conditionally).

So, regardless of age, SS will still affect you through the extended family. Thankfully, I'm blessed with a husband who sides with me on this, that SS needs to get his act together.

I beat myself up all the time b/c I feel the same way; I have two stepsons; one is fine, the other I absolutely cannot stand. I hate having him around. The biggest reason and problem is my husband. The kid is a discipline problem and all he does is make excuses, chastise me, and I get no support or backing. I get sick of hearing that he is only 8. AND???? If you don't fix it now he will be disrespecting both of us. I dread the weekends, we fight over this kid constantly. The kid is manipulative (my husband can't believe that is possible for an 8 y/o) I get told I'm jealous, I get accused of
picking on him, etc. I'm soooo sick of it. We have great life, he gets along with my kids for the most part, we have two babies together and one on the way and this kid is ruining our happiness. I always feel "am I awful for my feelings?" But NO I cannot HELP feeling this way and if my husband would see things as they are and step up, I would not have as much hostility and resentment. The kid is a budding conduct disorder kid in the making. He babies him. It is ridiculous. I walk on eggshells in my OWN HOME everytime the kid is here and I"m tired of it. I didn't know a place like this existed. I am glad I found you guys

You are not alone..I have felt the same way you feel for a long time. Read some of my blogs, you'll see. Your ss sounds like he would be a nightmare for anyone to live with...but it's especially hard when they're not yours because you hear that little voice in your head saying "This is not my kid, why do I always have to deal with this crap?"....Mine lives here FT...very, very hard.

"I always tell myself I am aware of my feelings and am an adult, but I cant make them go away. I would appreciate any adive from someone who has had these feelings before. How do I stop hating my stepson??" I could have written that. Step parenting has brought out the worst in me. It sucks to have to have these horrible feelings toward another human being, esp. a child. I wish I had some advice...just remember that you are NOT alone in the way you feel...others who are not steps DO NOT understand what you're going through....the fact that you don't like the way you feel and that you wish you didn't feel this way shows me that you are a decent person....hang in there.

For all of the new people-welcome! There is a really great thread on here about rejection and "hating" your skids. A lot about how we feel rejected as smoms and how sometimes that rejection and hurt turn to anger and hate. It helped me a lot, as I am sliding into that territory as well. SS17 has no rules, no discipline, is out all night long, no job, bad grades etc and it causes so many arguments between DH and I. Its really hard, especially after you have been doing this for years....our BM has recently resurfaced, after *I've* been doing all of the parenting for years now, and SS17 talks non-stop about how great she is, etc etc. I cant listen to it anymore, especially knowing BM has never paid a dime in child support....its been me and DH supporting SS pretty much the whole time. So just like that, everything that I have done has gone out the window. It hurts and it turns to anger and resentment. Especially when I cant talk to DH about anything skid related anymore-instant argument. He guilty parents and thinks I am too hard on SS (for wanting to set up chores, not letting him play video games all night on school nights and making him take a shower more than once a week), but oh, I should be there to drive him to school and buy school supplies, and take him to friends house (because he is almost 18 and still never got his driver's license) and on and on. Its all so frustrating!

HI there.. i'm actually a DAD and a step dad.. our story kinda seems the same but im the DAD side of it.. My wife is also a RN that's why it makes it soo weired.. anyways to make this long story short.. i hope you and your SS are ok now since this post happened a year ago.. ok my story is that i know my wife hates my son.. and we just had this big fight last night that's why i ended up on this website.. the way i see it is this this is only my point of view and my opinion and based on my experience . anyways... first of all my son is 13 years old now and wev'e been married for 5 years. she also have a son and we both have 1 our own.i've been a single dad for 5 years before i meet my wife now. this is my thing.. the way i see it it should be the adult to adjust and understand the kids.. the the other way around.. i'm a good father to my step son and treat them all the same. and i expect her to be the same to my son.. but it doesnt happened that way.. specially you mentioned you are a RN ??? dont you guys trained for this?? didnt you study child psycology at school?? i do everything for my son's.. my wife is a good provider but money is not everything.... anyways... i guess everybody is diffrent.. thats the story of our life.. bottom line is.. ADULTS knows better than kids.. and you only get the reaction of your actions... ( i just feel that you and my wife has the same feeling ) which is kinda funny...

If the skid is that bad you never get over the hating period, you just learn to set boundries for yourself and your belongings and to enforce them, you also learn not your kid not your problem. I've been saying that for years and even posted it here before it became a catch phrase here. I work towards tolerance but I know I will probably never like my youngest adult stepson. Don't feel bad for your feelings

I am soooo glad that I found this forum. I really can't stand my soon-to-be ex-step-son (10 years old). He only spent the summers with us since he lived two states away but he did more damage in a few weeks than can ever be repaired. That is why I sent my husband and my ss packing.

We have only been married one year and I have spent 2 summers with my ss. I work in the schools so I am home the whole summer. My husband works shift work and I only see my husband when he wakes up on Friday and on Saturday. I have my ss along with my two girls (9 and 6) for most of the summer MYSELF. My ss lies, manipulates, and is verbally cruel to my girls. He deflects any responsibility with, "I didn't know I couldn't (say of do) that." He will tell my girls (especially the older one) they will amount to nothing, they are stupid, their lives are meaningless, etc. He also tells them he owns things that are rightfully theirs. My girls love him and will follow him around. I get so frustrated that he takes advantage of this and he was caught punishing them or demeaning them while playing. He constantly tells everyone he is the best at this or that and no one is ever better than him. He has to have the best seat in the livingroom, dining room or car. He even tried to take my father's seat in my father's own living room! He definitely has some insecurity issues.

I work in the schools and see kids as my career. I know a kid on a bad path when I see one. He needs professional help beyond my scope as a step mom but my husband keeps saying that's a cop out and I'm not trying hard enough. We just need to talk to him more. His father took his DS away for a week for his cruel comments (the one that my husband heard himself) and not a few days later is when my ss told my daughter she won't amount to anything (as we were leaving vacation bible school!) He said this right in front of me and when I became upset he said, "I didn't know I couldn't say things like that." He just lost his DS for comments exactly like that!!

My husband keeps saying he is only doing 10 year old normal behavior and can't believe I work in the schools and can't see this. He is going into the 5th grade and I work with 5th graders for a living!!! His son respects his father and will walk-the-line when he is around so my husband doesn't believe me. My husband says he seems to act fine with everyone else (I guess stealing out of other kids backpacks at school is fine). What is my problem??

The final straw was when I walked into my living room and my 9 year old was laying on top of him on the couch with pillows covering them (clothes on). When I took the pillows off and saw this I told her to get off. He told her to stay because he didn't mind her being there and kept telling her not to get off!!! I later asked her what happened and she said he wanted her to lay on him and so she did!! He also was whispering in the ear of our new male kitten on the ways (as he put it "his moves") to entice our new female kitten on how to make babies. I was really grossed out. Again, my husband said this was normal 10 year old behavior and I had nothing to worry about.

Well, now both my ss and my soon-to-be ex-husband are 2 states away since he left me no other options. I have to protect my girls. I have no doubt my ss would harm my trusting daughter one of these days and reply with, "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to do that." Maybe with his dad back home to see him more regularly he will have a better shot in life. I'm not sticking around to find out.

I feel like all step parents feel this way! I just wish there really was a way to get over it! I dont know if I can love my whole life with resentment towards my DH because of his choices ruining my life! Its so hard to be accepting when the skids are nothing like what you want yours to be!! People should just be sterilized at birth and then your should have to go through an application process to have children. I think many of our unplanned issues and blended families would go away! I have yet to find a joy on stepparenting.

THANK YOUUUUUU!!!!!!

You don't know the relief I felt when I read this post last night. I know it has been more than a year when it 1st started but curlyq_ld, love_babyjon and psychmysticMSEd I felt like you were telling my story. DH and I are newlyweds but have been together for 5 yrs, SS is 7 know and I've come to realize that as time goes by I hate him more, it is not a temporary feeling, is not just being upset it is true hate and it bothers me bc I've always been a good woman with a good heart, the fact that a 7 yr old can make me feel such a strong and negative feeling hurts me bc that is not who I am.

There are 2 main issues that I believe are the cause of all this resentment. 1st is that SS has ADHD, which requires triple the patience to deal with him, patience I DON'T HAVE. DH tried medication for a while and to be honest it was heaven, he was well behaved, somewhat listen to directions, was respectful, I could actually put up with it. Then DH's mother (which is another nightmare) started making a big deal about it, brain-washing SS that he didn't need the meds and that he was loosing weight and not eating so DH decided to take him off the meds 1 wk before our wedding and counting, obviously things changed for the worse, and I believe that are now even worse that before. SS comes home acting like he owns it, demanding food like I was a servant, screaming, throwing tantrums, throwing himself on the floor like a spoiled brat and I can't take it anymore. The problem is that when I tell DH what I think his excuse is always "well he is just a kid", and bc everyone is always excusing him that it is bc the ADHD he gets away with this behavior all the time, someone needs to set some boundaries and discipline, but it's been 5 yrs and nobody does. I've tried ignoring it and the "not my kid not my problem" mantra but it doesn't work, he is still in my house and even with my hiding in my room I still have to listen to him and see him...... and I HATE IT.

Our 2nd issue is that SS is with us EVERY WEEKEND, plus DH has a screwed up schedule working late most nights during the week, which means as couple we don't get to do anything, and NO me cooking dinner and waiting for him late at nights does not count as quality time. I miss going out, the reason why I've taken such good care of myself not to get pregnant is bc I want to be able to enjoy myself before I decide to stay home with my OWN kids, but I can't do it. I hate that I constantly have to keep telling my friends that I can't go out bc we always have to stay with SS, and yes I know I can go out by myself but that is not what I want. I want a romantic dinner with my DH, I want to go dancing with him, to the movies, I want to go to friend's B-Days and BBQs with my husband, that is why I married him after all, but all these happen on the weekends, and for 5 yrs I haven't been able to do any of it. Some of my family and friends didn't even get to meet DH until our bridal shower bc he will never attend any social events, I can't take it anymore. Even for sex I have to look at DH schedule to see when I can fit some intimacy in bc he is either working late or his son is here. It's only been a little over a month after the wedding and I already feel like a have to compete for some alone time with DH.

I love DH but sometimes I feel like I would rather be somewhere else while he is with SS just so I don't have to deal with him, and that is obviously going to ruin my marriage, is not what I want to do. Someone wrote that this hate and resentment probably makes SS feel unwanted and as awful as this is going to sound the truth is my SS is NOT WANTED, he never was.

Thank you for letting me vent, I needed it so bad.

I am so glad i found you. i thought i was the only one. i have a 6 yr old ss i HATE!!! my anxiety starts going up from the moment i remember that he is comming over. he is here wed nights and every other weekend. i have a 3 yr old son and a 18 mo daughter also. i cant stand my ss from the way he eats walks whines like a baby. he dont listen i cringe the moment he walks in the door my stress goes through the roof and i am in a bad mood with a very short fuse. my kids are happy he is there for about 30 seconds then the fighting and yelling and hitting starts. i just want to grab him by thethroat and break his neck. i dont want him in my house. he is very disruptive to my family. my husband does not see it. my dh and the bio mom had him when their marragewas going down the tubes. guess they thought it would save their marrage. i hate having to pay for him. we are on a single income and we pay $500 for cs and part of daycare for him. my father has to give us money every month to pay our rent. he is driving a wedge between my dh and me. my sister tells me i need to fake it and things will change. i am not the kind of person that can lie or fake it. what u see is what u get. i yell at him for every thing. he acts like he is 3 again crawling all over my dh jumping around talking like a freaking baby. for x mas at his moms he got some lego thing and a i pod touch among other high priced items. when he was here he was so disrespectful saying that hedidnt want what he got, he didnt ask for that and didnt want to play with it. then all the rest of the week we had him it was when am i going home to my moms? up all night crying keeping my kids up. he is so manipulative. his mom doesnt want him back because the good little cathloic she acts like she was out getting drunk and laid and couldnt be bothered. i have tried to keep my mouth shut and stay away from him but there is only so far u can get in a 880 sq ft house and i have 2 others to take care of. i wish my dh would give up his rights and stop paying for the little brat. his bio mom does not need the money anyway. when the cs was set she went out and bought a new car. STUPID B***H!!! i just want to choke her llso. i want my family back. we never used to fight and not it is all the time. what am i supposed to do when i hate my ss to the point... it is breaking up my marrage and i dont want him around. thanks for letting me vent. if u have any ideas i would love to hear them.

This sounds like my life!! My fiancé and I have SD4 every other week for the full week. He has major “guilty daddy syndrome” so it’s a free for all the entire week she is there. The world literally stops when she walks through the door and I have no relationship with DH until she is gone. I dread her coming and can’t wait for her to be gone. I resent her and have so much anger built up inside I feel like I could explode. It’s hard when DH refuses to parent his child. That is exactly the type of situation I am in and I’ll give you an example- a few weeks ago, DH, SD and I were at the mall. SD swiped a planner off a kiosk. When I realized she had stolen something, I immediately said she needed to return it (we were only a couple stores up from the kiosk when I noticed she had it), tell the cashier she didn’t pay for it and apologize. What actually happened? NOTHING. Not only did DH not make her return the stolen item, he gave her a piece of candy to make her stop crying (because I told her what she did was wrong and skids can’t take that), and he LET HER KEEP THE PLANNER. That’s just one example. I could literally go on for days. I feel your pain. I imagine being a SM would be hard in any situation, but in situations where DH doesn’t take your side and try to make things better, it seems to be impossible.

I am SO sorry you feel this way. I do too. I cannot stand my SS. I dread going home at the end of the day if he is spending the weekend with us and every Thursday is a bad day because he is in our home. He has no manners, he's manipulative and acts as if he were 3 when he is actually 9. He doesn't clean after himself, he is SO dependent on his father and it drives me nuts! Mostly because DH and I have a DD with special needs and whenever his son is around he manages to disrupt our ability to give our DD the exercise she NEEDS to have so that she has a chance of walking when she is older. I am pregnant and yet, when his son is around, I get no relief. Yes, I hate having him around and I can't help it.

Most of it is my DH's fault. He allows his son to act the way he does. I love children, and like you, I used to work with kids. But I've grown to hate them because of my SS. I've talked to my DH and told him about most of my feelings. We love each other and get along well, but I asked him if it is really worth it putting our relationship in danger just because his son is out of control and has no discipline. I think he understands and I see him making an effort. He gets the boy to wash some dishes, sweep the kitchen and not interrupt when my DD is exercising or ready to nap. It's a work in progress and I see improvement. But I still have that sour taste in my mouth whenever SS walks through the door.

Will I ever love him? I don't know. Will I ever not hate him? I hope so. I know that I don't want him around my kids when they're old enough to start picking up on bad habits (which he has many). So DH and I will make a decision about our living arrangements when that day comes (if his son is still acting like this, which he will most likely be worse, because by then he will be a teenager).

What you can't forget is this - you're not solely responsible for this child. In fact, you're not responsible for him at all. You didn't birth him, you didn't carry him yourself - you have your OWN kids to be responsible for. He is your DH's responsibility. Sad but true. AND the children you have with your DH are both of your responsibility. Don't take it upon yourself alone! I made the mistake at first to think that everything had to do with how *I* handled things, but the reality is that is not entirely true. You have to hold your DH responsible for his end of the bargain of raising his kid to not be a brat.

I hope you find some relief soon :).

Thanks you all for sharing.
I am in a common law relationship of only three years now, she relocated to Canada from overseas after a 12 year long distance relationship (with lots of visits). She brought her 15 year old son with her. He is the most selfish, disrespectful, rude, lazy, kid with a sence of entitlement that really bothers me. The part that is the worst for me is how it makes me feel about her. When he walks all over her, ignores her, doesn't do his chores, takes things that doesn't belong to him, and more..she just lets it go. I am loosing respect for her and its breaking my heart. I have taken to locking up all my tools so he can't get at them and hiding the key so she won't just give it to him. I also work on the road and often have come home to household repairs because he decided he carved pictures into his wall with a chisel, and she just let him. He skips classes, the school calls and she says the school is wrong. If I say anything I get the cold shoulder for days. It is to the point now that I look forward to times on the road, and try to find things to do outside that keeps me to myself. I will collect my tools and other possessions from his room while they are out shopping (we won't get into that one too) so as not to get yelled at for not trusting him, basically just try to keep breathing in and out and realise that there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried everything. I just hope that he moves out before I can't take anymore and have to end this relationship.
Anyways, thanks for letting me get it off my chest, and thanks for letting me know that I am not alone.

I am so glad I'm not the only one! Ugh, when I first started dating my boyfriend/common law husband 6 year ago, his son was great (he was two at the time). But I am to the point now where everytime his son comes over, (we get him for a full week straight everyother week, back and forth, back and forth) I keep thinking DH and I should break up. We have 2 kids together, I love him so much, but I just don't think I can keep this up. I feel like I do everything and DH is always at work. I work full time, go to school and try to be a good mom to my kids, but this boy makes me so angry that I start yelling at everyone for everything. I feel like my kids behave so well and are resonably quiet for their age (but very happy, loving, and smart) but when SS is around, they are ALL screaming, fighting and are obnoxious! I'm glad this place welcomes venting because any time I've tried to talk to someone, they look at me like I'm evil! I gave DH money so he could get custody of his son! It ended up being the way it is and it sucks! I wish I could get a job in another state and just move with my kids. I'm not even wanting DH to make a choice, I just want him to stay here with his son and me and mine go on our own.

Trying to be better...I think you have the room to "try to be better" because you have the support of your SO. I think what you have expressed here is amazing. I wish i could be the one who authored your words. The big difference for many of us is that our SOs are NOT supportive, do not understand, and have no idea how to be on the same page-they are not even in the same library lol.

As I am writing this, I am feeling guilty, exhausted, unhappy and somewhat relieved. I often wondered if any other SM's ever had the same thoughts and feelings that I have and then wondered, if so, how would I find any that were brave enough to admit it? I'm so glad I found this forum...I need help/reassurance/understanding and a place to vent...

I will try to condense as best I can...I have NO relationship, with my 5 year old SS, whom I've known, since the day he was born...my husband and the BM decided to part ways in the beginning of her pregnancy b/c they simply couldn't get along. Fought all the time and never agreed on anything...except, raising him apart would be healthier than raising him together.

When I came into the picture, my SS was just born...I was nervous about dating a man with a baby, but thought this was probably an ideal situation for a step-parent, being here since the beginning and not coming into his life at age 15 and being totally rejected, by a snotty teenager. I couldn't have been more wrong..

Nothing about our situation is typical...
Soon after the SS was born, the SM found out she had cancer. She lived with her parents during her illness and b/c she was ill, they were constantly coming up with more and more excuses for why my husband wasn't getting any time with his son. For 3 1/2 years, she battled her illnes and my SS bonded with his grandfather that he lived with, my husband missed out on so many things, most importantly, the father/son bond. After she passed away, he came to live with us and honestly, my life has been hell ever since. At almost 4 years old, my SS had the mentality, vocabulary, mannerisms and seriousness of a 60 year old man. He is going on 6 now, and is as mouthy/sarcastic/deceitful as a teenager. He is rude, he doesn't listen to a single thing that I tell him to do or not do and has severe entitlement issues. His mother's family are constantly blaming his behaviors (at our home, b/c he's an angel when he's with them), on the loss of his mother. I'm not heartless...it breaks my heart to know his mom is gone and is now stuck with me...a SM that can barely stand to be in the same room with him.

When my son was born..it got even worse. My SS is cruel to him, says mean things, just to upset him. He manipulates him constantly and that infuriates me...makes me dislike him even more when I see these things.

My husband, althought the BD to my SS, feels much the same as I do. They have no bond, not that he hasn't tried, b/c he has. My SS is just not open to him. As much as he turns our home upside down, neither of us would ever consider letting him return to live with his grandparents...although I love to dream about it. I don't know if I'll ever really like him. At this point, I would just love to be able to tolerate him. But, I find that hard too. He is oil, I am water. Does anyone have any advice?

My SS11 told DH he didn't think he was allowed in the kitchen when i was in there. He told him this because he was making toast and i was making something else and everytime I moved he flinched like I am the biggest, ugliest, scariest monster in the world. I said what's up now mate do you still not like me and he said no. So I told DH when he got home and when he spoke to DH that's when he made up his little stories about not being allowed in the kitchen. What a load of shit, I am sorry but this kid has known me for 8 years and its still this uncomfortable in the house when he is here. He makes everyone feel like they have to protect him when he is actually the manipulative one. I can't imagine how he is going to cope when he is older with the way everyone dotes on him like he is a baby. It's no wonder he has no friends....but yeah, that's everyone else's fault too....not his own.

Oh, man. That's a lot! The one thing i do want to say is--don't feel bad about your feelings for your SS. I have a lot of resentment connected with my SS that i feel like is uncharacteristic of me as a person. Maybe you haven't changed as a whole person. Maybe you just need some relief! Try to compartmentalize any way you can, and get your DH to spend more time with your SS. Every time my SS acts out, it's like i can cure it with DH quality time (plus, that means that you get some time off.)

Thank you for posting. I'm going through the same thing. I was feeling like I am a horrible person for hating my SS. He is coming to visit next month which is stressing me out. I can't stand to look at him. It never used to be like that when he would just come for holidays and summer. I was on his side trying to get a connection with his Dad. I would make my husband do fun things with his SON. Then SS wanted to live with us for a school year plus BM was all for it. SS wanted to live with us because he was jealous of the baby boy my husband & I have together. I agreed to it because I love my husband and that's what he wanted. I was a stay at home mom during that year because I wanted to spend the first year with my child which I could not enjoy because of my SS. My husband had to work out of town that year and would come home on weekends. I was the main caregiver to his SON. My husband changed while his SON (my SS) was here, he disconnected himself from all of us and we fought all the time over SS. I really felt like he didn't want his son here. All that comes out of his mouth are lies, just like his BM. I take better care of him than his own mother. Everyone treated me like crap and I felt no one, not even my husband, appreciated anything I did for his SON. BM (the Slorr) told SS and my husband that I am not allowed to discipline him. I would take away privileges which she didn't agree with. So, SS thought he could do whatever he wanted when his Dad was not around, it was a fight everyday, till the day he went back home. If I left him alone with the baby to use the restroom, the baby would be screaming and have red marks on his arms and legs. That's what kind of child my SS is. But he went home at a healthy weight, a Straight A student with no fights unlike living with his mother where he is limited on what he eats and has fist fights all the time and is a C student. SS and his sister who is 1 year younger (differ baby daddy) both lie and get in trouble, both have been expelled from school by the age of 8 years old. It's been a year since SS has been here so I finally told my husband how hurt I was and that I want nothing to do with his son. I agreed to 3 weeks for the summer since he is my husband's son, I will tolerate him being here but if he acts the way he was that he will go home to his BM. Since I am working full time, I also told my husband that if he wants his son here, he has to take care of him and if he has to work out of town he needs to put SS someplace else or send him home. I decided his son, his problem. Maybe wrong but that's all I can do besides leaving my husband. Which he does not want.

It is very difficult to like someone when you get to the point when they breath and they annoy you, trust me I know how you feel, could all this bad bahaviour be because he just wants to live with his Mum? What does your husband do when ss is badly behaved? Perhaps ss would benefit from some counselling?

I was amazed that I am not alone! yay!! I have been feeling so guilty because I have an 11 year old SS and a 15 daughter that is mine. I have taught my daughter from early on to have respect and manners. My stepson has done really strange things and I have been trying really hard to like him. He has been rude to my daughter telling her she is stupid (she is an honor student). He has no friends, he still throws screaming temper tantrums that includes kicking and punching throwing things. He has humped on a pillow in front of all of us, he put his poo poo in my daughter's bathroom trashcan. My daughter has woken up in the middle of the night with him standing in the dark hallway staring at her while she sleeps (I put a lock on her door and my husband was offended by this). My SS stares at our boobs when we talk to him and My husband thinks this is normal behavior. I grew up with two younger brothers and they never ever behaved like this. I am so frustrated and I hate it when my SS comes to visit every other weekend. I have asked my husband to do something about this and all I get is punished. SS bio mom spoils him with expensive electronics, which my SS brings over (laptop, dsi, ds, dvd player). Like a lot of you on here, we do not have much. His bio mom is taking him on a two week carribean cruise. He is a spoiled brat and all my husband can do is find things wrong with my daughter and she hides from him. When my husband comes home, my daughter goes to her bedroom and when my SS is here, she and I hide from him. We don't know what else to do. Thank you for the thread, it is nice to know that I am not alone.

Glad I found this site and like what everyone says its good to vent with other readers as we understand eachother. I agree that because we are here means we care, if we didnt care about our feelings towards our step children we wouldnt be really good people would we.
So yeh Im starting to hate mine more and more again, there was a time when i stood back and thought nope not my problem but when they are in your face for attention all the time it's hard to ignore them. It's a big ask for me to look after my 5yo ss when I don't have kids of my own and am not maternal in anyway. Some would say why get with a guy with a child. I ask myself that more and more these days but ive never been in that situation before so what did I know, i thought I could handle it. Yes everytime the weekend comes around I am anxious and feel sick going over to my BF house because the SS is there, he has now got a potty mouth and i cant handle that. I tell him its wrong to say poo and butt and other things but he still thinks its funny and his dad wont dicipline him in any way because he thinks the boy should be able to have fun and have no rules. On a school night hes still awake at 930pm i cannot say go to bed or I am the bad guy. He plays his ipod right up to when he does go to bed. Try to take it off him and he screams the house down to the point of him turning red. I get embarassed. His dad tries to drag him to bed sometimes and this child holds onto whatever he can to stop being taken to bed. He cries everytime you put food infront of him. He doesn't know how to pick up his toys, help wash a dish, leaves dirty cups everywhere. Cries when he isnt alowd anything. When I grew up I never questioned my parents telling me NO, i accepted it and that was that, i would never dream of throwing a fit if i never got what i asked for. And I never ever got a smack when I was a child. I just cant get over parenting these days and I get so frustrated living with this small child that rules our or my life i guess every damn weekend. Funny thing is my BF works weekends so its up to me to look after SS, not anymore though, Ive found a job where I work weekends too so he has had to find other babysitting arrangements. I must admit I am alot less anxious now I don't see him as much, but honestly if I could work it that I didn't have to see him again I would jump at it, but I know it's a package deal I have to either live with it or get out.
Unfortunatley I think getting out is more on the cards, i shall be walking away from a great guy but the baggage is too much.

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omg! i am so grateful to find this site. i too have guilt about hating my SS. But I just can't make the feeling go away. I know he is just a kid ( he is 20 now) but how can i like someone that if they were a roomate would have been kicked out instantly. He moved in with us when he was 14 and here is the short list: he lies, steals constantly from us and others, uses and sells drugs, has broken into our things, our house, is nosey and goes thru our things, breaks or destroys many of our things, is a slob, hardly showers- therefore stinks, cheats in school, flunking, truancy, overeats constantly resulting in being very overweight, lazy, uses people, pees in bathtub instead of toilet and leaves it there. I could go on and on. I, like some others, grew to hate everything about him: the way he walks ( like a lazy snail), the way he chews and most of all, the way he smells!! So dirty that I can smell him when I walk in our house after work. I would literally start to tense up on the drive home and just felt so depressed walking in the house every evening; expecting to smell the stench, see his lazy behind on our couch, eating everything in sight. I stopped cooking anything special; cake, brownies, etc. because he would eat 90 percent of it in the first 24 hours- selfishly leaving nothing for anyone else and it would make me so resentful- baking so that he could stuff his face and get fatter and then poop in the bathroom and NEVER flush. His dad and I fought all the time about him. He finally moved in with his mom at 17 and drove her crazy. fast forward 2 or 3 years and he is still using, selling and stealing. I have not seen him in 2 years and I still hate him. When I lived with us, I tried so hard to be good stepmom, did so much for him, but he just didn't care and he was a misery to live with. I have seen 2 therapists with my husband and they have both told me my feelings are natural given all he put us through, but I hate that SS has created this angry part of me. I have never lived with someone so disgusting and disrespectful. I felt like I was living in the twilight zone and I just dread the possibilty of ever having contact with him in the future. It still gives me stress just thinking about it.

Also, he was so awful that his dad literally put cameras up in the house and we were fearful that he was the type to pee in our orange juice if he was angry, say for being grounded for 2 days for skipping school. We never caught him doing it; just secretly worried about it together. But again, I'm thinking "Who does that!?" to just about everything he did. And recently I saw a facebook post he put up claiming he was going to pee in the drink of his roomate because he was mad at him! geez, maybe hubby and i were right to be worried about our drinks. But again, what kind of messed up person does that?!

I can't stand mine either. it's only been a year. when we moved in together, we were only supposed to have the one SS18. Within a month, we had SS14 & SD20 (in addition to my BD's 15 & 17).
i was hoping i could handle it...but it is driving me crazy. The three of them live in our basement...i cannot go down there because of the filth. None of the skids do ANYTHING in the house except take out the trash...and only when dad says so.
My BD's are straight A's , honors classes and work dang near full time.
SD21 has been in college for 4 yrs, has 2 to go and can only work 2 shifts a week (because of school). She splits her time between my home and her boyfriend's home. She carts back and forth 2 mangy mutts as well.
SS18 works 20 hrs a week, has sex with his girlfriend in my home when we are not home, and has abosolutely no ambition to move out...and his dad thinks that is ok.
SS15 never leaves the house, plays video games all day and eats everything in sight.
I also inherited the old family dog...which his ex originally took.
My kids have rules and chores. His kids do not.
They all dislike each other and i am losing my mind...
Thankfully I have found this website and know I am not alone... :sick:

We have SO much in common. The only difference is BM decided she didn't want to be a mother and only comes around about once a year but that is another story. I have had my two oldest children since they were 2 and 8 months old. Even though I had raised them I felt like I was constantly battling my husband for authority and eventually my kids caught on and the disrespect and continual disobediance began. When I got preganant I was elated because this chiild was MINE and no one could tell me what to do with him. My husband was afraid that I would favor my son and told me so. After I brought him home it was summer vacation and I was left with three children and no help. My husband actually took my ability to discipline away because he was upset with how engrossed I was with my own child. I became terribly resentful of my stepkids. I used to lie in bed and wish thier mother would take them. I resented my son not getting his own nursery (our house is small). I told my husband if I could not discipline he would have to leave his kids with his mother until he got home. I was not going to be disrespected in my own home by children I had raised when their own mother abandoned them. Things got better for awhile but after so many fights with hubby I did what many stepparents do. I withdrew. I told myself these were his kids and that my son was my priority. Our daughter is JUST LIKE your stepson. She lies, steals. manipulates, you name it and she'll do it! Before I say the rest let me say, EVERY feeling you have is JUSTIFIED! SMs are often treated like punching bags that are supposed to smile and say thanks. It is the single most thankless job on earth! BUT you said you love your husband. I know this is a long comment but bear with me. I have been doing this almost 10 years. Withdrawing is not the answer. It has almost cost me my marriage. I had to change my perspective to survive. Now this is just my personal expierience, you do what is best for you, but I had to understand that while I was fighting for the peace and harmony I felt my son derserved I was putting my husband in a terrible position. They were ALL his kids. Think how yopu feel about your children. Our love for our bio kids is unconditional which is normal and okay. But so is your husbands love for his children. I had to understand that I was hurting my husband and my son because by withdrawing from his siblings I was creating a rift between them, even though I felt it was self preservation. Kids are smart. This boy KNOWS his mom probably doesn't really want him and his dad has a new family, he doesn't know where his place is. This is only made worse by going between two houses. You won't love this kid overnight or even like him. I used to literally shake I would get so angry then I would go in the garage and do "laundry" that wasn't there. If you have hung in there this long you're a fighter. I decided I would fight for my family even if I didn't feel it was in me. I sat my stepkids down and looked them dead in the eye and told them. I am your mother (or stepmother since mom is still around) and this is our home. It is my job to raise you to be a decent person. You don't have to like it but I love your father and you and I am not going anywhere. I am your mother and nothing you say or do will convince me otherwise. You are not replaceable or less than each other. We will love and discipline you the same because you are all the same. I will hold you to your actions because that is my job. The reaction I got was NOT what I expected, they both cried and latched onto me for dear life. They just wanted to know they had a place and were loved. My daughter is too stubborn to ever say that but it was what we all needed. I had to start small. I went in my room 15 minutes before they got off the bus, read my Bible and prayed for the love and patience I didn't feel. I didn't get it right every time but the effort was returned. None of it is over night. This boy needs you. No, it really isn't your job. It isn't fair. It isn't the family you imagined but it is the family you have. I still struggle every day. But I think all mother's do. One step at a time. This world will eat you up and spit you out. Don't let your family be a casualty. One thing that helped me was asking them for thier help with small things and then telling then how thankful I was for what they did. Small guestures here and there and perhaps one day you will start receiving small guestures from him that little by little will take down the wallls and build a home. Good luck honey, life is never simple but there is hope, from one Sm to another! Hugs!

I feel the same way about my SS17. I have another SS that is 12 and I do not feel the same way about the younger one. I used to think I was just a horrible step parent and it was all my fault. I have a BioSon that is 15 who is a joy. I used to be upset with the SS and his mother all the time. It took me years to figure out that I was really just mad with how my husband deals with his son and ex-wife. He is so passive that he just sticks his head in the sand and hopes everything will be wonderful. Well, guess what - that never happens. My SS isn't stealing things, isn't flunking school, doesn't go out and drink so I ask myself - what's my problem? The problem is the kid is so disrespectful, never does anything wrong - it's always someone else's fault, yells, screams, throws things, knocked a hole in his bedroom door, etc. Everyone in our family bows down to this terror and makes excuses for all his actions. When he yells and screams at his dad he calls the grandparents and they come get him without us knowing. I am fighting this battle ALONE and am about to lose my mind! I have lost respect for my husband and cannot wait until this child goes to college and gets out of my house!!!! It's nice to know I am not alone but that doesn't fix it.

I know some of these posts are two years old but I cannot tell you how happy I am that I am not alone. I cannot stand my SS. Every time he is at his BF house for the week I spend it totally on edge. The kid is a sociopath. He shoves my kids out of the way just so he can be in front. He even held some kid underwater over the summer because the kid bumped into him. He constantly behaves like he should be the only one that matters and LIES all the time. I cannot take it anymore and am ready to leave. My relationship to what is supposed to be my BF is so deteriorated that I don't think anything can be saved anymore.

I am so relieved I found this place! I was beginning to think I was evil for having such a dislike for my boyfriends child. We've been together for 7 years , he has a 9 year old boy. We have split custody and he's an only child so he's soiled rotten. He hogs my couch, personal space, TV and his dad lets him stay up late as he wants when I just wanna relax and watch a movie alone or with my boyfriend. He is obsessed with TV and games and thinks he's entitled to watch or play all day long. It's maddening!!!!

I hate every single thing he does, I don't trust him around my chihuahua cause I feel like he's gonna suffocate him.. I need my personal space respected and his dad just keys him climb on me, read over my shoulder and everything.

I have be tiny spot on our huge couch that has my special blankets and my iPad is always plugged in on it etc, everyone knows that's my spot.yet he climbs right in at the minute I get up. I hate being so selfish but my boyfriend NEEDS to explain the rules and stop making me the monster!!

I actually wake up extra early and run downstairs to my special couch spot and put on what I wanna watch on TV so he can't take over!!! I'm obsessed with NOT being out of my comfort zones while he is here at all.

I hate the way I feel but I'm doubtful it will change- I'm 33 and never been married an never had children. I desperately want one with my guy but he is adamant that it isn't gonna happen. Yet he wants me to play step mommy to another woman's child and be fine with it?? Hell No!

His ex was good enough to bear his child but I'm not. I'm bitter,jealous and wish I could just leave the whole situation.

I'm mad that I didn't leave when I found out he had a child. Ugh!!

After reading many of the posts in here I can tell you that I most certainly can relate, however, I am also sorry to say don't necessarily count on any of this behaviour from skids and their parents to change if and when they finally become adults and move out.

I posted in these very forums a couple of years ago about an adult 25 year old ss who would not move out of our house even after getting a job. He was always here and made my life (not so much his dad's) miserable (won't go into details- too many). We finally got him out permanently but unfortunatly he is only a
15 minute walk away from our house which means he's here on an almost daily basis. Both him an his dad have a drinking problem (not alcoholics, just binge drinking whenever they can afford beer) which means whenever one of them get a pay cheque the kid is over here drinking up a storm with his dad. The 2 of them spend hours out in the garage drinking and if I happen to step out they will talk to me however it's easy to pick up on the vibe of not being wanted. If I stay out there any longer than 10 minutes they automatically change the subject to guy talk so that I can't be included. With the kid over here constantly that means I rarely get to spend any time with his dad.

Of course along with his visits comes much disrespect for the house. When ss comes in from the garage to use the washroom he slams doors and stomps through the tiled foyer in his heavy work boots making the whole house shake. He does this whether it's 3p or 11p, weekend or week night, he just doesn't care! I've mentioned this to his dad, his dad has told him to not do this but it doesn't seem to make any difference. When I tell his dad that having his son here 5 out of 7 nights (or more) a week is a bit too much he tells me I'm wrong and that his kid isn't there that much. When I keep track to show him that this is a fact I get accused of being a psycho for keeping track and later in the same conversation that it's "his son" and that's why he's here so often. I try explaining that when "his son" is here so often it leaves us very little time for ourselves as a couple. When I mention this I get asked if I'm jealous. Believe me, I'm not jealous! Resentful of the constant intrusion (even on my days off)? Yes! Definitely! When I tell him this he aks me what difference it makes to me if his son is here because they are out in the garage anyway. The discussion (which usually changes to an argument really quick) just goes into a viscious circle.

More than once, his ss has even jumped in and started verbally attacking me along with his dad. He tells me how because I have no kids of my own that I don't understand and that he will visit here as often as he wants because it's his dad. He tells me that he "likes me but I make him feel uncomfortable to visit" because he feels that I don't want him here yet he's here almost every, single day and doesn't leave until late at night. I tried explaining to him that I don't mind his visits but I just don't want him here almost every single day and he tells me he's NOT here every single day.

For me, what it comes down to is this, after all that he has put me through (most of which I believe are intentional - an attempt to split us up) I really am starting to harbour resentment and I honestly don't like him. I'm starting to resent his dad and see him as cowardly because he refuses to tell his son to back off a bit on the visits. His son will text him saying he would like to come over and rather than telling him not tonight because we have plans he'll tell him something like "we're just having dinner" which the kid takes as a cue to come a bit later rather than right away. His dad simply won't tell him outright not to come over. This is constant and consistant behaviour from them both and it sickens me! I think his son would love to see us split so he can move back in and live rent-free. He views me as that obstacle and would love to change things.

My plan? I only work p/t so leaving isn't an option right now, I have no place to go to and no money saved yet. I'd like to start saving money soon, eventually find a new f/t job in a different city and just leave. I don't want to be anywhere near that kid and I sure as heck don't want him around if his dad eventually dies someday before me. I can just imagine what he'll attempt to do to me, the accusations and harassment will probably be horrible and I want to be nowhere near him when/if that day eventually arrives. I know I'm thinking longterm but after what I've been through I have to think that way, I have to protect myself. This kid is no good and his dad is doing nothing to stop him, he's his golden child (he has 2 other sons, they both are having problems too but they are kind and respectful towards me - I like them both regardless of their troubles!)

My monster is a pot smoking Loser...I have grown to HATE him also..I know that is strong, but I just can not stand the boy...mommy thinks he can do no wrong...I wish he would just go away...good luck to you.

Oh boy! Well I can relate to hating the step-son and feeling really really bad about it. BUT, why were you working full-time and having to pick him up at school? That confuses me? You have a professional position and DA DA should have been figuring that out.

Next, you have two young children of your own and another reason your hate your step son is because you know you are missing out on enjoying them. You are constantly stressed with teen pressures and can't feel relaxed. Again - where is Da Da?

Sounds like Da Da needs to grab the bull by the balls and get some stuff in line here. He needs ot take an instant interest in his son and make up for all the tossing around that has happened with this young mans life. I would build a support system for you and your kids and do activities outside the house as much as possible and dump the responsibility of step son onto dad. Just because you are female doesn't make you the primary caregiver. This kid needs dad taking him out alone (dinner/movie/ball game/gym) and REACH HIM cause he sounds like a mess.

NOW, We have tried that with my step son and it hasn't worked. My husband does the alone time - the dinners - etc. and instead my step-son only wants that. Basically - both our step-sons don't want this new family (you and your kids). They deep down want it back to the way it was when mommy & daddy were together and they will NEVER get over that.

I sadly hate everything my step son does. Funny thing - when he backed off for a few months - my attitude changed towards him. I actually was saying a lot of nice things about him and just staying out of his hair and didn't feel so repulsed. I felt bad for him but we had that few months of peace. Why this has changed?

Basically - my step son is like walking on eggshells. He didn't like what I said. I stood up for myself as he was being incredibly disrespectful and I spoke up. So his payment back was to be passive aggressive again and do some nasty stuff. In other words, he wants to be in control and wants me to have zero power in my own house.

Not happening for either of us!!!

Don't be too strict with your kids. Enjoy them and hug them. Your step-son like mine is not YOUR responsibility to fix. I tried and have received nothing but pain and hate directed at me. At least with your two little ones you will get enourmous respect and love back if you give it. With step children they don't all want the love from their step parents and in fact HATE IT and that is their issue and their parents issue but end up being yours too cause it affects you.

I don't know my step son either. He doesn't want to know me.

Holidays? Well my step son has tried to put a damper on every holiday, vacation, family outing. A nightmare. I am at the point where I tell my husband "leave the little asshole home". My family is sooo nice to him and he says "they are not my family". He won't except either blended family. Well sorry - but he will stay angry - and he won't be fixed - and it won't change.

Minimize impact. If you can afford boarding school - go for it. Protect your right to motherhood and your kids right to have a mom. Enjoy your kids.

Sorry you are goign thru so much. Keep your foot in the nursing too cause it's nice to be able to know you can support yourself and tell your husband and stepson to go screw if it gets too bad.

My one ss is 7. He lies. He steals money. He is violent. sarcastic. rude. tantrums like no other. I can say something like "eat a peice of fruit and then you can have something else that you want so we balance healthy and unhealthy" that sentence will send him into a screaming tantrum where he throws himself on the floor, bangs his head and generally flips out for hours. I don't know how to love him because I can't find a redeeming quality. my husband has trouble finding one too.

I have been around for 4 years. ... I've tried and tried. but the second he gets home from school I want to hide cause I can't take the screaming ..
I don't want to be stressed. I've gotten so stressed I lost my first baby. I'm pregnant again and I refuse to let this little shit take away another.

and in contrast... I have an 11 year old ss and he is wonderful and I love him very much. We hang out. We talk. watch TV togther. He follows the general rules and brings home straight A's and there for gets to do what he wants. yes sometimes he messes up but he is human.

so how can I be so horrible if I have one perfect kid and yet have one terrible one. even my dogs are friendly and well behaved. I have a good relationship with my husband.

Their biomom ditched out years ago for drugs and men when the youngest was 2 and the oldest was 6... is it that the youngest is still subconsciously messed up from that?

I just.... I wish he was different. I wish he listened even a little so I could deal with him better. I wish I didn't care how he turned out. I don't know how to tell myself he isn't my son and detach ... I wish I could.. I keep trying to be better in hopes he will be better too.. but it never works and then I'm so frustrated.

I am so thankful for you're post. I know I'm not alone with how I am feeling towards my stepson. I feel guilt about it and I know he can sense this dislike I have towards him a lot of the time. I am married and have a 13 year old stepson as a result. He was 5 when I started dating his dad. I moved in with them when he was 8. We have full custody of him and his father works out of town Monday through Thursday every week. He with me all of the time so I'm responsible for getting him to and from extracurricular activities. I work as an RN in surgery Monday through Friday. I also have a 21 month biological son who is my whole world! My day starts at 4:30am every morning and doesn't end till 10 at night. I feel like I give my SS every opportunity in the world, allow him to participate in 4 extracurriculars after school, toting him all over town everyday. Working full time, with a teenage and a toddler to deal with everyday by myself is a lot and my SS does not appreciate anything I do for him. He is one of the most selfish people I've ever met with the exception of his mother who's not really involved in his life. Everything is a fight with him, even bathing. He's 13 and I actually have to fight with him over him taking a shower and brush his teeth! He disgusts me! He never picks up after himself and I'm a neat freak. He leaves a trail of crap in every room he goes into. He doesn't take care of anything that anyone buys him. He is constantly trying to be the center of attention, whether it's around family or his friends. If I punish him it means nothing to him. He does what he wants. It's gotten to the point where my husband pretty much had to come home every Thursday and have a talk with him that results in him disrespecting his dad and my husband beats his ass. I love my husband so much but my stepson definitely takes a toll on our relationship. My husband tells me to ignore him but I just can't seem to do that. I just feel like I do too much for him to make up for the horrible mom he has and he should appreciate it more. I'm so disgusted with him lately and I'm pretty sure he thinks I hate him. I can't stand to be in the same room with him. I hate feeling this way. I feel like a terrible person and I'm so scared that his crappy behavior will rub off on my son. I would leave my husband in a heartbeat if my son ever started acting like his brother. I love everything about my life except for my stepson, but I also couldn't imagine my life without my husband. My SS definitely had issues about his mom not being part of his life and his dad always working out of town and not being around. I'm sure the way I act with him makes him have more issues. I don't know what to do or how to get past these feelings. Any advice???

Wow, it is really nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I met my husband when my ss was 2. He is 6 now. It was fine at first because I wasn't having to take care of my ss. But then we got married and instead of sending my ss to my mother in law while my husband worked, my husband let him stay with me. My husband has full custody because bio mom has done some bad things. At first I stepped up and did everything I would for my own child. But whenever he would come back from his bio moms weekend visitation he would tell me that she told him to be mean to me and he would treat me like crap. I began to resent it. He eats nothing but junk food and I do not agree with that. He never picks up after himself and that kid is always sick. He is thankful for nothing and disrespectful and it is to the point that he disgusts me. Unfortunately my husband still works 2 or 3 nights a week so we are left alone alot and it is super awkward. He has to know how I feel, I'm getting to where I can't hide it anymore. I dread being at home and me and my 8 month old son try to get out of the house when he's here. I look forward to weekends when he's gone to his mother...who is a whole different monster. How do you deal???