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BM is Hurting Daughter Mentally and Emotionally

CanAmericanSMBM's picture

So I get my turn to vent. A year and a half ago My husband and his ex agreed to shared care shared custody, and they drafted a 16 week co parenting schedule around his ex's work schedule as a nurse. They lived about a block and a half from each other and although the schedule was not ideal and may have changed to a week about it worked because they lived close to each other. Then she sent him an email stating she was moving 100km (65 miles) but that she wanted to keep the same schedule and that my husband needed to give her some leniencey, maybe they could figure out a halfway point...(This schedule consists of 2 days at dads 3 days at moms 3 days at dads 2 days at moms alternating weekends, holidays and summer)We are in court over this and have been for over a year. The courts have allowed this to continue and BM drives daughter back and forth that distance to and from school when its BM's access time. Aside from this even though this is now a court order BM changes schedule whenever it doesnt suit her needs,because of the distance (and yes we are documenting)BM was working full time where we live and she paid/pays CS as an offset of the table amount agreed by both parties. as of lat month we are no longer receiving any CS from her because she dropped from a fulltime position where she was working (with benefit, pension, paid sick leave, triple time on holidays, 10 year senority and union) to casual and lost everyhting, to take a part time job as a fill in for another employee for a company halfway between the residences. Then she totalled her vehicle getting into her second car accident in a year, the fill in position ended when the other employee returened to work and the company she left her other full time position for now has her listed as casual as well....she is barely taking any shifts at either employer IF any and now says she cant work because she has no vehicle. Our household is in finacial distress because I cannot legally work in Canada yet, I have to pay CS for my three boys in MI and BM just doest care. Kids ages are My BC's: 13, 10, 5 SC's: 8, and 14 14 Year old has decided to not excercise the Court Ordered Access he is in HS and BM cannot accomodate his needs at her distance. It was sad because today I had to allow my 8 8 year old SD to call the Crisis Centre to let all her feelings out. I know she loves her kids, but what a mess she has created.

Stick's picture

CanAmSMBM - You have a LOT of stuff going on, and it's too much to read all at once, let alone have to deal with!!

I'm going to try to break down a few things, and see what u think...

1. The 3 days / 2 days schedule is really difficult on children, from everything I've seen. We tried that here before. It worked for a short time, but then SD here got older. It was actually stressing her out because she never felt like she was "home". I am guessing that may be the issue for your young SD. I'm glad you let her call the Crisis Center. It's great that she is getting the support she needs. You should document the stress this back & forth is doing on SD, and possibly get her into counseling. That could help you for the future. Personally, I believe you may want to take BM back to court to get sole custody of both 14 and 8 year old and let BM have visitation on weekends. 65 miles each way is too much travel for an 8 year old during the school week! The only concern I would have is that BM could file for sole custody. Do you think that's possible? Do you think she would win?

2. I am reading that because BM gave up her good job and took casual work, she is no longer paying you child support and that is causing your household distress. BM has to support her children. So you could take her back to court on that. Just because BM QUIT a job doesn't mean that she gets out of paying support. AT least here in the US, although the court is definitely more lenient on BM's than DH's, it seems. I think they base it on what she did earn, or what she could earn. So I wouldn't just let that go.

3. Having said that, it's not BM's fault nor is it BM's obligation to care whether you pay child support for your 3 children that live in the US. I know that's hurtful, but it is true. BM is only obligated to support her 2 children. Does that make sense ? I know it gets all jumbled up... but really, you need to figure out a way to get some work in CAnada so you can support your financial obligations and not hold that against BM. BM is giving herself enough rope to hang herself with, she doesn't need your rope too. !!

I also want to ask, but you may not want to answer, and that is okay... Why don't you have custody of your children, and do you think that is being held against you and DH in Canadian court? That's not really for me, it's more of something for you to see how / if that affects your life up there.

More than anything - I think your 8 year old SD needs HELP AND SUPPORT and some relief from the back & forth driving every 3 days / 2 days. It's too much. Whatever you guys can do to make that stop and give SD8 a stable home, is the best thing to do. Without knowing more, it's hard to say how to give her the best stability would be...

CanAmericanSMBM's picture

Believe me Stick I know...We have been in litigation for over a year now to try and put a stop to the drives...BM will not accept a schedule that gives her less than 40% access with her daughter....As far as my support there is nothing I can do to make the immigratin process move faster so I can legally work, not hurtful what you said and NO its not her responsibility, on the flip side she should understand because she was/ finacially supporting her BF's kids....Now I know all about how strict FOC is, in the states believe me I deal with them regularly I have support lowered to $178 a month for my 3 kids, they are completely aware of my situation...FRO in Canada works alot differently and they give the payor a lot more leniency, they are allowed to go into arrears either 3 months or $1800 before they will take agressive action. Her wages were being garnished because she has a history of being a problematic payor BUT if she isnt taking any shifts nothing FRO can do until she is 3 months behind. She isnt reporting IF she is working anywhere else and FRO cannot do a federal seacrch until she hits the 3 month point either.

Yes my 8 year old SD needs stability We offered BM the world....Every other weekend and every week a weekly 4 hour period she can utilize the full amount or not....on her weekends if there is a PD day (professional day) BM can have her from the thursday after school until sunday...every other holiday, and a week about during summer....SHE refuses this saying she wants her 40% ...40% here in Canada is a threshold amount for Child Support...If she had less time than that she could be made to pay full table amount...and she already pays an offset.