I need help. What would you do?
My SD 12 doesnt want to be at our house with me. She wants to visit her father, but doesnt want me around. She tells anyone who will listen to her how she hates me. I treat her the same as my girls. I give to her and buy for her equally. I show her attention and hand out praise and discipline equally too. She cant come up with any reason why other than I took her daddy.
We are suppose to have her this weekend starting today (Thursday). She is out of school Friday. He has to work so she would have to stay with me. She doesnt want to be here so she is telling him she wont come. We are also suppose to have her for 6 weeks in the summer. She only wants to come on the first, third and fifth weekends. She also doesnt want to come for Fathers day weekend. She wants to go to a concert at Six Flags (her mother bought season passes and agreed to take her) and her dad can pick her up Sunday only.
He is considering the weekend visits for the summer. He is also considering taking her to a hotel on his weekend. She has wanted this for a year. He thinks it will show her that its not fun. I think it will fortify that she is in charge.
What do you think and what would you do/say to SO and his daughter?
She doesnt. She makes excuses
She doesnt. She makes excuses for her. Everything is not her fault. Even in school and other relationships. Everyone is out to make her daughter miserable. My daughter goes to the school that my SD went to and has the same teacher. She has told me that even 3 years ago her mother was making excuses for her.
Well... My question would be
Well... My question would be what does DAD do to correct this in his daughter?
I think this is a case of a
I think this is a case of a little girl who used to be unable to process her feelings in a healthy way and instead resorts to anger and unhappiness when she doesn't get what she wants.
What she wants is:
To reaffirm her status in life with people who are supposed to love her unconditionally--her father. She thinks the proof of it will be a mix between getting her way and shunning you.
What she needs is:
To develop skills to help her cope with her insecurities--because bitterness and anger and manipulation stems deep within insecurity.
How to do that:
Counseling. Talks with her father, with you, and the both of you in a calm, eye opening manner.. Books for her to read on healthy relationships and how to deal with her volatile emotions, especially as a pubescent teen.
Honestly I think so many people neglect developing coping skills in their children at a very young age, not letting them work their way to solutions and drawing conclusions from the consequences of their actions, not teaching them how to process their feelings in a positive way that what we have is a whole bunch of emotionally stunted teenagers who act out when they are upset. Hopefully you and her father could still help teach these things to her, but a good outcome usually is the result of fostering good introspection at a young age.
That is exactly what I
That is exactly what I thought.
When her mother had a
When her mother had a boyfriend, she told her daughter she would have to behave and treat him and I with respect. Her relationship failed and now she is telling SO that she doesnt have to be around me if she hates me. SD told us that she hated her moms boyfriend and SO told her mom what she said. He was told she would just have to deal with it and learn to cope, but its not the same for us.
Her mom encourages her to be hateful. She is still bitter over the divorce.
I would not abdicate my place
I would not abdicate my place at my spouses sife for anyone including for a kid. SD 12 sucks it up and does what she is told when she is told or she is held accountable for her behavior.
PERIOD!!!!
She visits, she participates or she sites in a corner by herself with her nose touching both walls. Engage or isolation. That is her choice. Once she normalizes in to the family she can have alone time that is more normal.
IMHO of course.
^^^^THIS. Just know that it
^^^^THIS. Just know that it can result in her going to her mother and requesting that she fight for full custody so she doesn't have to be forced to see daddy anymore because it's not on HER terms.
She sounds exactly like SD14...and she just got worse.
isolating you is a non
isolating you is a non negotiable.
having daddy daughter dates might be acceptable if the main thing she misses is time with her dad. alone time with each parent is a strong bonding time. maybe even a time with just you two might help, if you are willing to deal with the initial sullen pre teen behavior.
she could probably benefit from counseling but if your husband is good at all with talking to her then during an unemotional moment he should have a good heart to heart to find out where all this is coming from.
if she has a hard time expressing herself maybe give her a journal to help her get to the root of the issue and then talk about it.
Once she normalizes in to the
Once she normalizes in to the family she can have alone time that is more normal.
^^^^ THIS is exactly how I feel too about SS.
I let DH know right away when SS tried pulling this junk that it was not SS's choice whether I was included or not and if DH let SS start calling the shots and having parental authority our relationship will not work. IMO, It is MY choice whether I want to be included. I am the adult he is a child.
Right now DH and SS do very little alone because of SS's attitude. Once SS accepts that DH and I are a team and he doesn't call the shots then he can have normal alone time with DH and I will do girl stuff!!!
I would not allow this girl the hotel option. period.
If he really wants to take
If he really wants to take her to a hotel he should make it the seediest place that he can feel safe in. One that doesn't even have good cable and no wifi (if there is such a place) - and no pool. And then not take her anywhere that weekend. Bring some sandwiches in a cooler. Tell her that all the money went to the room.
If she's like most kids she will be miserable sitting there doing nothing.
This is incredibly difficult.
This is incredibly difficult.
I am dealing with somewhat the same thing and it sucks.
You have done nothing wrong, yet are made to be the issue. DH is stuck in the middle because he loves both of you. Fun.. fun.. fun..
My advice is this and it’s so hard to follow it because I struggle with it myself – just keep being you. Don’t go as far as to kiss the skids ass. Nope, no way. Be nice and try like hell to engage her and open her up to the idea of you. Yes, she is being a shit and yes, you want to call her out and kick her in the ass.. but that will only make you act like and be like what she wants you to be – the evil stepwench.
DH needs to say “this is our family” and reaffirm the word “family” till he’s blue in the face. Us, We.. all of that.
Regarding the Friday at your house while he works.. what are her real objections? Would it help if you possibly planned something to bond with her? Maybe shopping, going to one of those “paint and play” places where you paint pottery.. Mothers day is coming up - she could make her mom something? Or even take her to buy a mothers day gift? That might make her feel less threatened by you and also show that you are aware she has a mom and aren’t trying to replace her.
Divorce is so hard for kids and getting a new step person is even harder.. I get that.
I wouldn’t make special accommodations for her (i.e. getting a hotel room) – that gives her the ability to divide and conquer and believe me, you do not want to give her that power. Dh gave that to skids early on and taking it back is hell..
DH’s are notoriously near impossible to talk to about their kids.. you have to be so careful not to offend, yet, it’s hard when you feel hurt, rejected and misunderstood. I’d sit him down and spell it out – that you feel rejected and it hurts, but you understand where it’s coming from and why.. however we need to work on this – together – or this won’t work. “A house divided can not stand”.. it’s true
I agree with everything you
I agree with everything you have said. I just keep being me......
I have tried to talk with him about her and he tends to shut down. He doesnt want to talk about it because it makes him angry. I understand that, but I am a person too and it makes me angry to act like there isnt a problem.
I am not trying to be a mother to her. I told her that. She has a mother and doesnt need to may Chiefs in such a small tribe. I dont know why she hates me or what her issues are. I havent been able to get her to talk about anything. I do plan to confront her this weekend (if she comes) and have a sit down with her.
Dh's do that.. shut down,
Dh's do that.. shut down, shut up and pretend it doesn't exist - not good.
What they fail to see is if he keeps up the denial you will soon resent him, her, the relationship, everything you do for them and you, yourself will shut down emotionally.. yuck
Then comes the anger and frustrations.. it all snowballs and before you know it, it's a huge elephant sitting in every room of your house..
I would tell DH you want to spend a "special day" with her on Friday.. then have him tell her all about it and ask her what she thinks - maybe even put you on the phone to pump it up some more.. I know this seems silly and like you are catering to her, but maybe she is struggling with liking you because she feels like she is betraying her BM.
My daughter struggled with this and I told her I want her to like her step mom and if there is someone in her life that is nice and looks out for her in addition to her bio family then I am a-ok with that. It really made a difference that I gave her permission to like her step mom. Maybe your sd's Bm could do the same?
I would not allow SD to run
I would not allow SD to run me out of my home and I would not allow DH to give into her demands. Of course, whether he listens to you or not is a different storey. She needs to understand that you are a permanent fixture in the home, whether she likes it or not. These parents are doing nothing but harming their children when they allow them to have such say in their lives.
My SD15's BM recently split up from her husband because SD told her "either you leave him or you're going to lose me because I'm going to live with Daddy". :jawdrop: Now, this was not due to any abuse, etc. The issue is that he doesn't baby SD either and makes her do things around the house, etc, which she doesn't like, so she doesn't like him unless she's getting what she wants. She does the same thing with him that she does with me when we discipline her....go running to mommy and daddy that so and so doesn't like her and is mean to her.