I feel like a step monster..
I've been with my fiance for about 3 years and his 3 children have been in my life approximately the same amount of time. When we first started dating we only had his children every other weekend, they were so sweet and I genuinely loved having them over. After we moved in together I encouraged him to get them full time (he does have split custody and always did but his ex constantly moved around making it impossible to get the kids on a normal basis) As a given a lot changed and true colors showed. Last year my fiance asked if I wanted to become a stay at home mom to my daughter full time and his children when they come over. I said yes and a bit after we decided to have our first baby together. Now in all honesty being a full time parent to step children is so hard because it's just not the same, I dont have as much patience. All of the kids are happy about the pregnancy and always ask how big the baby is when they come over, but in all honesty I dont really want them there when our baby is born. I plan on asking their mother to just keep them for that week plus her normal week, I will also have my mother keep my daughter for at least a couple days to give my fiance and I time to bond with our first baby. Am I ridiculous for this?? His children definitely stress me out, although I do love them and do enjoy having them around. I also let him know I really dont want them to kiss the baby, all three constantly come sick from their moms and I'm just not comfortable with it. Lastly I plan on having my baby shower on our off weekend, so I can just relax with my fiance and friends. My daughters dad isn't in her life and she's always referred to my fiance as dad (she's 4) so we do constantly have her so there will be some things she will do that I didn't want the other kids a part of. I adore all of them but there's some things I want to have my fiance and baby to myself for as well as just my daughter, fiance, and baby for. By no means do I want to completely shove them away but imo I do have a couple different families... my fiance, baby, daughter, and I and then those listed plus skids.
Skids are SD11, SS13 and SS10.. SS13 seems the least interested in pregnancy.
you are not a monster
im not a stepmom. but i’ve been in an on and off relationship with a man with children for almost 7 years. i’m afraid to fully commit because of these exact concerns. i worry that if i were to have a baby with him (currently childless and want children), i would not want his kids around at all, wouldn’t want them to touch the baby, wouldn’t want them in the house, would wish they didn’t exist. i like them enough, they’re nice kids. but i don’t like being around them— always prefer if we’re just the two of us, without them. but i always have that feeling that “these kids aren’t my family”. and my instinct tells me it may get worse, not better, with a baby.
all of this just to say that you are not alone in your feelings. and i can tell by how considerate you are in your writing that you are definitely not a monster.
search “dear sugars” podcast “stepmom”. they did an episode recently responding to a woman who expressing almost exactly what you wrote. at the least, it may help you feel less guilty or bad about how you’re feeling.
You are not a stepmonster,
You are not a stepmonster, unless I am too. I think your feelings are relatively normal. I have had the same feelings and have had rules such as don’t be in baby’s face when your sick, don’t hold baby when your sick, try to keep your distance from baby when your sick, etc. Rules I’d have for basically anybody, but SO gets really upset when it’s toward SD. Why? Idk. You’d think he’d want the same thing.
There’s also things that I want to do with my children, and my children only. These are my kids and always will be. SD has a mother and father, I am not it. Sometimes I want to do certain holiday traditions with my children, sometimes I want pictures of my children. I don’t think that’s wrong. Again, SO does not see it that way.
I totally understand your feelings. But be prepared for your SO/DH not be so understanding...
I think your feelings are
I think your feelings are normal, however you are going to have to go about this carefully.
Ask BM to keep them that week to "recover from childbirth" - not for bonding. Even if that is the real reason.
Have SKids come to the hospital for pictures and to meet the baby but have DH aware that you will be tired and sore. Even if it isn't feeding time, use that as an excuse to send the kids back to BM after about 30 mins. Even if you aren't planning on nursing, tell DH you want to try. This should get the kids out of the room with little fuss.
I do think that if your daughter will be at the shower then the skids should be included as well...
I don't plan on having my
I don't plan on having my daughter at the hospital alone so I dont really want his 3 there either.. for us it's our first child together and I want the first few days just for us 3. As far as the baby shower goes my daughter is basically like our bio daughter together we dont have an option to not have her there unless I wanted to also exclude my mother or grandmother, I hope that makes sense. Where his children can be with their mom.
I feel that it isn't right to
I feel that it isn't right to exclude them. You will probably find that your SO won't be happy with this arrangement either.
When I had my daughter, my mom brought my son to the hospital to meet his sister. He was 21 months old, so he didn't stay long- just long enough to say "Don't want it! Let's go Mema..." LOL - he loves his sister, I swear! They are 12 and almost 14 now.
My point is, them dropping by and seeing their new brother/sister should be something that they get to do. It is the right thing to do if you are going to keep them away for the week after.
As for the shower, there will be lots of people there, you will be the focus. Keeping them out of this stuff will cause them to feel like they don't matter anymore.
It would be one thing if they were saying they don't like the idea of the baby, or hate you, or tried to cause problems because of the baby, but if they are just normal kids, they are probably pretty excited about it.
I took my kids to the hospital (at their SM's request) when their baby brother was born. I stayed in the waiting room, helped them pick out a little suffie and soft blanket so they had a present to give him and we left about 15 mins later. It was important to my kids to see their brother and their Dad and SM asked me to bring them. It was pretty painless for all involved.
Nope, not a monster. But you
Nope, not a monster. But you have a rough road ahead. The yours, mine & ours thing is a rough one as I understand it.
Stay at home parenting is a challenge in todays world. Unlike a number of decades ago when it was the norm today it is a rare thing. The only people I know who are doing it are my brother and his wife. My brother is a very successful executive and his wife has been a SAHM since a few months after they married. They have three joint kids and no Skids.
It will be important for you and DH to sit down and map out a firm schedule that must be held if you are to be the SAHP for the yours, mine and ours crew. Be careful. Your definition of having two families is a dangerous one. One you define as including only your BKs and the other adds in the SKids. The Skids are no less part of this blended family than your 4yo prior relationship daughter.
If I were your DH, I would take exception to the inclusion of your 4yo and the exclusion of my 3 prior relationship children.
I had my son 1 year ago and I
I had my son 1 year ago and I have my SD6 full-time, so I totally understand where you're coming from. I had a good relationship with my stepdaughter prior to the pregnancy/post-partum hormones that just made me feel ragey/frustrated with her a lot. I cringed when she touched his toys, went in his nursery, everything. I wanted to have that first-time mom experience but I just couldn't because she was always a reminder that I was "already a mom" or at least, supposed to act like one to her.
It's frustrating. It's really hard, especially when you have an older kid in the mix. I've often thought it's going to be even MORE difficult having another because I'll want to include my son (baby's big brother) in special ways but not necessarily want to include SD.
My husband, however, has been SO understanding and helped me navigate this tricky situation. He gets the strange biological reasons WHY women feel territorial over their biological kids so he's been wonderful at giving me opportunities to do things with my baby while he keeps SD busy.
He's never had a problem with me being a bit unfair, as long as he's able to cover it up in the eyes of his daughter. He was 100% ok with sending her to BMs after the baby was born because he knew it would be difficult for SD being on the sidelines while I obsessed over a newborn I had fallen in love with. He's also been okay with me doing mom/baby dates on weekends, getting photo-sessions taken of my son only, etc. as long as SD doesn't realize.
I do my best to treat them the same but you're allowed to feel differently about your own. This is ok, as long as it's not obvious to the other kids.