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I can't stand my husband being so tolerant with his ex.. (venting)

stepmom74's picture

My husband's ex has been very manipulative since the divorce. She control's the time my husband spends with his son anyway she wants. My husband has tried going to mediation several times since they got divorced 5 years ago. As soon as the mediator sees the ex games and realizes how irrational she is many times she changes mediators.

When his ex wants something she seems really nice and willing to cooperate, but when she doesn't get something she wants, she starts making a big deal for every single little thing.

My stepson seems to be following her example because when he doesn't get his way he throws tantrums.

My husband is very patient and doesn't want to rock the boat but I can't stand seeing his ex manipulating my husband and my husband spoiling rotten his son because he fears his ex's reaction. I hate the fact that his entire family is so afraid of her that even my mother-in-law told me to stay away from discipling my stepson.

I told my husband to take her back to court to request more parenting time since she has told him that she will allow him to see his son more time but of course, that depends on her mood. At first my husband agreed with me and said that he would take her to court. I looked up some names of lawyers to request free consultations but now my husband says that he feels bad taking her to court and that would hurt his ex's feelings. He says this because she has allowed him to be at her house for my stepson's birthday so he feels they're making progress.

I'm more than willing to support my husband to get more time to be his son, even if we have to sacrifice our budget. What I won't be willing to do is sit and watch how he doesn't do anything to fight for his son and be at his ex mercy.

This is bothering me so much because I only see getting worse as my stepson gets older (he's 8 now) as he's showing signs of manipulation games already and I don't think I can tolerate it.

At times I don't feel that we are going to be able to work through this because I can't stand seeing my husband being played like this and I know I can't change him.

Most Evil's picture

It would be great if you could find a counselor who is TRULY sympathetic to a stepmom. I had one that claimed to be but wasn't really - I had to explain a thing or two to her. But I know there are some good ones and I think you should start there. Go by yourself if you have to.

Can you talk to your MIL to see why everyone is so afraid of BM? Does DH have a sister or any family member that can fill you in more on past events? Has DH told you everything?

I think you need more information, then need to weigh all this with someone who can totally focus on YOU and YOUR needs. Of course we can give it our best shot too!! so let us know.

"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912

frustrated stepmom's picture

I can totally see your point of view on this...I deal with a similar situation!! It is so hard being a step-parent!! My husband's ex is only nice when she wants something. I have made every effort to be nice to her but after nearly 3 years of being with my husband I have come to realize that she is just humanly impossible to like...that realization doesn't make daily life any easier though Wink

I hope things get better for you! Smile

4Kayla's picture

Unfortunately it does not get any easier. I have been married to my DH now for 5 years and together 8. Since day one his ex has been that way. I know it is very hard on you because I am in the same boat. I dont know if it is so hard because I am so in love with DH I dont want him to be manipulated by her anymore or I just can't stand her, combination of both I guess. But I have now found myself just staying out of it all together. If he can't stand up for himself(finding attorney and etc.) then he will have to deal with the pain. You can't allow yourself to be put through it, by defending him. It will only bring you down. We only have one chance at life, make it a happy one. She is only happy if you are unhappy. Chin up, back up straight, and walk with a smile on your face.
Best Wishes