I am utterly lost as to what to do, and I find myself sinking into depression as a result
These are the basic facts:
1. Been in relationship with BD for 5 years
2. When we met, he had 2 kids, the BM had a third child- the product of the affair that caused their relationship breakdown
3. Discovered last year that the BM had told the kids that they all had same father
4. After demanding a legal paternity test, its revealed that my husband is indeed the father
5. I work as a professional, while she lacks education or work or motivation altogether
6. My husband is still attempting to finalise their property settlement, as she has done all she can to delay the process
7. The BM tried shortly before our marriage, to destroy our relationship, by claiming that they were never separated. He was threatened with zero contact with children if he does not reconcile with her.
8. Her motive? As far as we can gather, is to secure herself a meal ticket, as she has not worked since the first child was born, and has not attempted to work at all, for the last 6-7 years after their separation.
Other complications
1. As we are an inter-racial couple, the BM has been telling the kids that women of my race are merely good enough for casual fun
2. She has since the day the eldest was born, taught the children that their father is at work all the time, as he does not love them as she does. In spite of the fact that he was the sole income earner, who was working two jobs in those early years, as she has stopped working altogether.
3. She has undermined his authority with the kids in the last 13 years, through retracting any consequences or house rules he may have imposed on the kids
4. Since the stepkids started the weekend visits, she has instructed the kids that while visiting, they should listen to their fathers instruction, but not mine
5. She continues to brainwash the children about me being the cause to the family breakdown. As the third child has different surname, the middle child questioned why, and if it's because they had different father. The BM blamed me for her son raising this question. She claimed that I must have lied to the kids about their paternity, so that the child would return to her with this question. (Note. why would I have brought this up, if I already knew the true paternity since last year, especially I was the one detecting the discrepancies between what she alleged to my husband, and what she had told the kids)
Problem
1. The emotionally, my husband is harbouring so much guilt over the kids ( them believing that he was never there for them because he had to work), he now guilt-parent the kids.
2. The kids have become professional emotional manipulators under their mothers tutoring
3. The kids believes that me working hard in my career, is so that "they" may ask for money or present from me whenever they feel like
4. The kids treats me with disrespect and contempt.
5. My husband believes that their behaviour is out of line, but can not bring himself to give the kids consequences for bad behaviours.
Therefore, the issues we are faced now are
1. Me becoming increasingly unhappy at home
2. My husband continues to feel powerless at changing the situation
3. Me becoming resentful at my husband
4. My husband feel increasing guilt for having to "talk" to the kids every weekend
5. Me becoming anxious at the mere thought of kids visiting.
6. My husband turns all his frustration into anger towards me, as he could not bring himself to blame the kids whom he felt guilty towards.
7. My husband starts to think I am the cause of all these problems
Help, I am at my wits end
You are clear on the issues
You are clear on the issues it seems. What do you think are the odds that your DH will gain the same clarity and change how he is dealing with all of this?
Grover - welcome to the Evil
Grover - welcome to the Evil SM site.....
NO there's a disclaimer about my advice, cause your husband ill not like it at all
DISENGAGE.... these brats are not yours, why should you care about them, they already ignore you, simply ignore them back, You are not their mother, they have one and a bitch by the look of it, thus she can be dealing with them from now on and your husband. You are no longer the Nanny and provider.
"The kids believes that me working hard in my career, is so that "they" may ask for money or present from me whenever they feel like" - OH Hon the kids can ask, you do not have to give
You smile and say ask your father and walk away,
if you buy something for you and they want something, smile and say, It's my money I can do with it what ever I want, go and find a job and you can also buy what ever you want...
Immediately take your money out of your relationship, you only pay a third of house hold expenses, it's already more then your fare share, but hey you are not Evil, not yet any way. You do not buy the skids anything and your money will not support your husband anymore, not his ex wife and not his kids. Thus open a bank account only you can get to and start depositing your pay check in there, then you only trf a 3rd of house hold expenses to DH's account, and you do not worry how he survives.
If he complains, smile and say - Hon you choose to spoil your children and you choose to keep on supporting BM, You agree your children should not respect me, thus I'm disengaged, I can not do for them what their own parents refuse to do.... walk away... I would be very bitchy and ask him... did you marry me for sex and money or to have a supporting partner?
Time to build a nest egg, you never know when he will tell you it's over, he already blames you for the problems, so prepare to exit gracefully with a fat bank account.
As sad as it is, I love your
As sad as it is, I love your list for two reasons: 1) It is very well thought out and accurate, and 2) You have pretty much captured what just about every SM on these pages is going through. One could almost use it as a checklist. Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell.
Like Acratopotes explained above, you have to decide if you want to leave, disengage (there is plenty on this site about it and on the internet), or if you think you can see a counselor. If you choose to see a counselor, tho., make sure it is one that looks at all of the family (BM, SKs, DH and SM) equally. Some counselors just look at BM and SK's perspective and call it "family counseling."
I can't answer that question for you. I do see, tho., where you are trying to or think you can handle all of this and work things out for yourself. I'm sorry, but that is an impossibility. Right now you have BM, SKs and even DH on one side and you on the other. Even if you decide to disengage, I would at least get counseling for yourself. You have been through a lot, and I'm sure you are exhausted at this point. It may even be, you disengage, get counseling for yourself, and then make a decision of where you want to go from there. Or, maybe your DH would be willing to join you in counseling right off the bat? I don't know.
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that after years of going out of your way and making personal sacrifices hoping to smooth over everyone else's ill will, and with you only being met with accusations and blame by pretty much all involved, I'd say it is time to focus on yourself and look out for yourself and put your needs 1st for once. You don't even need to make any kind of announcement. Go off if you feel like it. See your friends, go shopping. DH and his children can take care of themselves. Focus on you and find what works for you. Enough of this being blamed and scapegoated for someone else's divorce fallout.
Best of luck to you, and know that you are not alone, by any means!!
HeavenLike I love this:
HeavenLike I love this: Naturally, you want to help your husband but compare it to his work rather than a "normal" family. You don't go with your husband to his workplace and assist him with his job. How do you support him in his work? Well, you listen to him talk about the problems. You might offer advice or you might just say things like "honey, that is such a hard situation." Same with his kids. You don't have to do his work in order to be a supportive wife.
2 thumbs up!
Greetings Grover. It seems
Greetings Grover. It seems like you have what all of us have, and its that innocent hope that things will get better if we try harder. I hope you aren't starting to believe that lie that YOU are the issue.
There is strength in numbers and right now they are apparently battling you. You have your own resources, and make your own money. I don't know your situation as far as finances, but definitely separate them, and pay your own way, and that is all. Leave the parenting and financial support of these disrespectful children to their parents. They have 2 of them, and neither of them are YOU.
I am sorry that you are going through this. The basic list you gave sounds much like everyone else's list here on Steptalk, for the most part. There are things here and there that are different, but pretty much the basics are the same. Read more posts on the site, if you can, and see that you are not alone. The advice is solid, there are YEARS of experiences here.
I am part of a biracial couple as well - I am basically anglo, and my SO is Filipino. He was treated as a second-class citizen by his ex, the BM, and Ive heard stories about her bad treatment of him (by his family!!! They despise her now), and how he put up with it. She acts like trash, and his family are all very attractive, intelligent, financially secure, healthy people, who don't understand why he stayed with her for so long. Oh, yes, after the doctors told them she wouldn't get pregnant, she got pregnant twice and he stayed to provide a good home for his children.
And she still finds ways to attack him and accuse him of being "the bad dad". When we first started our relationship, he was "separated not divorced". I know during his separation, she was still wanting to reconcile and stay together, and he had a hard time getting her out of the house. She would drink and get high and then stay on the couch because she couldn't drive back to her apartment. She had cheated on him and he had caught her and paid for her to move out. But she still held some hope. Well, I came into the picture, and all heck broke loose. But that's another story.
Her mooching days were over, and of course it became the saga, of "how can you be with someone like HER, how can you choose your GIRLFRIEND over your own children?" These texts and more, all because I would get into an argument with Winona SD18 (then 15-16) and my SO would stand by me and require her to show respect, and she would go crying to momma, complaining that Dad-dee chose to believe girlfriend over daughter, supported girlfriend and required daughter dearest show girlfriend respect.
That was a few years ago. Cut to now - he will be 1 year divorced in August (boy was it ugly but so worthwhile!). 9 months ago Winona SD18 (then 17) really laid into me, and said some terrible things with no repercussions afterward or apologies. And this after a few years of ongoing disrespect, arguing and generally being a b!tch to me, whenever she felt like it. I disengaged and wow, what a difference.
After her angry tirade, I simply stopped talking to her, and still do not like being in the house when it is just us. She lies incessantly and has twisted and lied so many times about EVERYTHING, she is not to be trusted, so I just stay away. She also is manipulative, and plays the victim to the absolute hilt. She cares nothing for anyone else, and is a bit narcissistic. That's just a basic profile.
Just this past January, she was caught shoplifting, and even though they have camera footage of it, she repeatedly denies everything. She suffered no repercussions for that - her parents paid her fine. I remained disengaged, because you really cannot care more than the parents do, so why would I even bother. For your situation, just remember - you cannot care more than the parents do, and YOU are not the parents, you never will be these children's mother.
And then, 2 months ago, during a fight with BM, BM (who had been drinking) flew off the handle - and choked and slapped her! This from the "prefect mother" who loves her children and wants to protect them from evil SM (that would be ME, evil CLove). We don't get those comments or texts anymore...
Bad for me, because now they aren't really speaking or spending time together, and now Winona is living at our house full time, instead of the previous 50/50.
YEP. Full time Winona. She is SO dirty and lazy and disgusting that I cannot stand being around her any more. If you ask her to do anything to clean up after herself, she either delays by hours, or blows it off completely. No repercussions (sound familiar? Your story is my story, our stories). If you ask enough times with enough emphasis, she will get angry, yell, disrespect and do it, and then complain. I cannot stand hearing her speak, or even laugh, as she sits on the couch and eats the meals that I carefully prepare for the family. She, at 18, does not have a job, a license (but there is a shiny cute BMW convertible in the driveway waiting for her), she does not have any activities, has graduated high school - and still she doesn't lift a finger to help, does not clean up after herself unless asked, and still is mean to her sister and disrespectful to her father and I (except when asking for money).
Yikes, does this at all sound familiar?
Grover, the only one who can change your situation is YOU. Get through your funk and feelings of hopelessness, you are not alone and you are not the problem.
Keep us posted.
Save yourself. Flee. He's a
Save yourself. Flee. He's a lost cause.
Here are the steps.
Open your own account if you don't already have one.
Save for awhile.
When you have a proper deposit, buy yourself a small house. No room for skids.
Move out.
Tell dh you can see him on non-skid days. On skid days he's on his own. Skids are never to see or visit your place.
Do this for awhile then reassess. If it's working for you, fine. If you feel you are vastly happier altogether away, proceed with complete new phase of your life and let him and his nightmares fade in rear view mirror. Third option there's always a chance he will find a way to solve the situation to your satisfaction and you can move home but I wouldn't count on it.
Your story sounds like the 9th rung of hell. Please remember you are not more powerful than Oz. Could be your only realistic choice is to save yourself.
When the time is right I
When the time is right I would have a nice talk with him. You both have to be on the same page and not let those kids rule your home or relationship. Tell DH when they visit they go by the rules of the home. Meaning if necessary you both parent. I also think you should disengage as was suggested, but every weekend should not revolve around the kids. How about instead of them visiting the entire weekend he could take them somewhere for the day? That way it's just him and the kids giving you a break. I think every weekend is too much. Also, some weekends you two probably need to get away and work on the marriage.
I would ask DH if he would be on board with trying some of those things. As for BM the less contact the better, and he needs to work with you on getting her out of your lives. Obviously she has been very toxic, so both of you need to do what it takes. Texts from a Google number or calls to the older kids cutting her out completely. We had a toxic BM years ago and 86'd her out of our lives. We even moved further away. Contrary to what some people think...a BM is not for life. Unless you choose to empower her. Make DH a nice dinner...some wine and make it a proposal to improve your lives which BM is trying to destroy. And hope he sees the light...