I am losing my Husband because of his kids
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I am new to this site but I am so glad I found it. It is refreshing to know I am not alone in this mess! I a SM to 3 kids. They ignore me, won't talk to me, and are socially awkward. I have finally just given up trying to socialize with them or spend time with them. I can't stand being in my own home sometimes. Big problem is I now am considering divorcing my DH because of my misery with his kids. I love him but I can't cope and I just want out of all of it. Help anyone. It is truly misery. He believes he is perfect, his kids are perfect, and I am the problem.
I am so very sorry that you
I am so very sorry that you feel so bad in your own home. I'm curious of if SK's were always this way towards you? If not, when did it change, as far as you've noticed? If they were always this way, I can say that marrying their dad wouldn't make that behaviou change.
From my experience, my SD and I seem to be fine when her father isn't around. Of course she understands that I won't put up with stuff her dad does. It seems like she only really acts the way she does-or its amplified- when he's around. Funny how that works.
Is this something that anyone else has come across?
I've felt (still feel) that my SD is going to be the reason my DH will allow our marrige will fail. And I hope I'm proven wrong. But because of the co-dependent behavior DH has and has bled into his kid, I have no reason to expect differently.
Another bit of experience I can offer is the relationship between my SFather and younger brother. My younger brother is at THAT age where he doesn't know where he's going or what to do and is unmotivated. Sfather is foreign and has high work ethics. Clearly, they don't see eye to eye on the work topican among other topics. My SFather has, for some time now, pretty much ignores my brother-and its mutual. The co-exist and interace as minimally as possible. This has worked for 10 years, or so. This is what I plan for my relationship with my SD. I won't suggest you do this-however...if you love you DH & want your marriage to work: counseling (if possible), church (if interested), and/or focus on your husband and BK's (if any) only. There's no good sense in continually extending to SK's and not getting positive reciprication. If you've tried - genuinely tried - with SK's and they are still mal with you and their father allows this AND you've discussed this w/ DH, I'd suggest focusing on DH and BK's (if any).
I genuinely hope you find a solution that keeps your marriage in tact and you sane.
Hi I have just joined and I
Hi I have just joined and I can really relate to this!My situ is similar, my ss,12 is a know all like his mother, and a pawn in her game.Which is to break us up.
I feel really fed up and hubby says its my problem, not him giving in to her mind games.
We are both ready to walk, because of the constant tension and arguing.
I know me and my DH talk
I know me and my DH talk about splitting, always over Sd and I told him I am ready, but somehow it always works out to where we don't. So it is common, don't feel bad.
I think you should continue to stand up for yourself, there is no way you alone are the cause of all the problems. And he is being an *sshole if he continues to say that to you - tell him!
But if it continues I would split just so he can know, you will not be abused by him and his child. Let someone else have that honor, because it isn't one and he is supposed to honor you as his wife. So sorry honey - hugs
Great comments Stepaside. I
Great comments Stepaside. I agree completely. Well said.
That is very good thinking
That is very good thinking StepAside - I will have to think about this and hope that maybe I can finally understand
Awesome observations
Awesome observations Stepaside !
I especially agree with this
>>The real problem lies with the husband/father. I think stepchildren benefit when the father doesn't play the guilty dad and actually parents his kid. It tells the kid that he loves them and has higher expectations from them. Letting a kid do whatever without consequences tells them that dad doesn't really expect more from them, and that translates into, he doesn't care enough.
So, since the child is feeling rejected, it is much easier to blame the stepmother than to actually acknowledge that she's being rejected by her own father.>>
but I can't make DH understand it.
I can relate. My SD acts as
I can relate.
My SD acts as if I don't exist. I finally got to the point that I told DH that it was too painful to be rejected over and over and that she obviously has made a choice to not accept me. That he and I needed to come to terms with that.
I told him I will treat her with respect, even if it's not returned. I will not react as if I expect 'normal' behavior from her. I will detatch from the situation for my own mental wellbeing.
It has helped. She has actually gotten a tiny bit better, but more than that I have been able to allow myself to not care anymore. I needed to let go of thinking I cared about how she was raised and how she acts. SHE IS NOT MY CHILD ! I HAVE NO CONTROL ! I repeat it to myself over and over.
My DH still is hurt and I expect a bit resentful because I don't love his perfect child but he has to care enough to become active in the relationship building and he hasn't yet.
I imagine it's a natural
I imagine it's a natural defence mechanism but it never fails to amaze me how DH will twist the facts to make it look like his kids are wonderful to him. I often think it's just another way he enables them to be what they are.
He won't admit to people that his oldest, SD19, doesn't speak to him at all. I think he feels that reflects badly on him, that his own daughter won't have anything to do with him. In reality it reflects on her and the way she was raised, primarily by BM.
Maybe if he was open about it to others she would feel a little more of the backlash from others when they see how bitter and spiteful she acts.
And you are right, it's good for them to hear opinions from 'outside' people instead of alwasy hearing it from thier spouse.
These are excellent comments!
These are excellent comments! Wow!
Is it just me...or does it seem that an awful lot of these postings are between SD's and DH's? Or is that just what 'I want to see' because I can relate?
Seems like DH's have found a female to love them unconditionally (I guess) and they milk that outta guilt, compensation due to custody & BM issues, among a variety of other reasons.
Not to suggest a similar line of reasoning can't be applied towards SS's and their fathers, just that it seems the DH's see through thicker rose-colored glasses when it comes to their daughters.
I have heard everyone rave
I have heard everyone rave about the book and I want to buy it but have put if off.
I keep having this image of SD finding it and using it to verify that I am truely that, a 'StepMonster'.
I think I will finally do it though.
I totally understand. I have
I totally understand. I have thinking the same thing...except it was me thinking I had something wrong with me but still wanting to divorce him cause of the DRAMA from his ex wife, SD and ex wife's new husband. DH doesn't stick up for me when ex wife or new husband trash talk me and claims, it wouldn't do any good cause it just starts a fight and it will show that we aren't out for drama. Yes I agree but saying something like Hey stop talking trash, or you don't know what you are talking about, would be nice.