Husbands ex always at in-laws
I really need some advice. I've been married 5 years,with him 10 yrs.
It was 4 years until his family even accepted me because we met while he was still married. We each have 2 children, all teens. My problem is his ex is at every occasion and holiday gathering at his families. We get along fine and for awhile I'd go to things but I am so uncomfortable, not to mention treated differently than when shes not there, I dont want to go anymore. Well, Xmas just passed, and my husband and I went to his families Xmas Eve(she was working). Xmas day my husband went to his families and I refused to go. He went anyway(she was there). I spent Xmas alone because my kids were with their dad. I have been so depressed and resentful to him since then. Am I wrong for feeling this way? He tells me Im the one doing it to myself.He thinks I can just control my feelings. I cant, I'm an emotional person to begin with. Please someone tell me if Im wrong. My marriage is on the verge of ending. I have no support from him when it comes to this
Thanx for responding Cherie.
Thanx for responding Cherie. His family invites her. They remained very close with her after the divorce. They have 2 children together, both who are teenagers. She is remarried and her husband also goes, which in my opinion is so f***** up.
I can relate somewhat
My BF's X is around way more then I like, and we do not get along. BM calls our house daily about every little thing and we are finally trying to take our life back and live without her in it all the time.
I would say it's wrong to expect the in law to break the connection with the X wife. Just because they divorced doesn't mean the whole family divorced her. I would say that it sounds like the "safe Haven" in which BM and BD can enjoy the kids with the family and no one misses out.
However you are not wrong for feeling the way you do and I honestly can't blame you for not wanting to go--especially if they are treating you like the third wheel in her presence. I don't think it's all in your head either--or that you are doing this to yourself--I heard that for over a year from my Bf over the crazy X's behavior. THere was a point where I honestly began to think I was the only one going through this and that I was just a lunitic who didn't "get it".
The truth is my BF didn't "get it" He completely did not understand me and it wasn't until I found Step TAlk and began reading and posting that he came around and saw my side of it. Now he is trying to help the situation rather then ignore it.
There has to be compromise and if it bothers you so much that you would rather spend x-mas alone then go--then something should change in my opinion. What about having x-mas at your house? Would it be possible for you to tell husband that you would love to start your own family holidays with the kids. We did that at thanksgiving.
His parents and mine were very upset, but we stuck to our guns and just kept telling them --we want to start our own family traditions and that we thought it was a good idea and would bring us closer as a family. Not to mention how much easier it is with us having five kids all together to just stay home rather then travel an hour to our parents.
I cooked and Bf carved the turkey and things were great. Parents eventualy got over it. In your case he could still go to the event at families--but then you wouldn't be left out of holidays or events either--you will have shared them with the people you love the most--your husband and the kids.
The only other advice I can offer is just to go and not worry about any of the other stuff. You are not going for her anyway--you are going to share the holiday with family. IMO if you don't go she wins--she's not missing out on anything--you are. But if you are truly feeling this way then Hubby should try to understand and be a little more sensitive to your feelings. I don't think the time to bring it up is x-mas day however. You've got a whole year a head of you before you have to do this all again. That's plenty of time to talk and make a compromise.
HOpe that helped some
Alisha
Good Advice
Thanks Alisha. Its good to know I'm not the only one going through this and especially that Im not doing it to myself. There's times when I feel like Im crazy and overreacting, but feelings are feelings and they cant always be controlled. As far as having holidays at my house, I dont think my husband would go for that. In my opinion he cares more about hurting his family than he does me. He even said to me he tries to make a decision that would hurt the least amount of people, and his family outnumbers me
I disagree.....
I don't think that the ex should be a part of family gatherings. She is no longer a part of the family. Yes, she will always be the kids Mom, but you are his wife and should be treated as such. If the in laws want to remain close to the ex, fine, that is their choice, but they should not invite her to family gatherings, nor should your husband want her there. IMO, If he wanted to be with her, then he should not have ended the relationship.
I think you are justified in being hurt by this. He made the choice to be with you and he needs to consider YOUR feelings.
That's total B.S.!
I'm sorry but-hurting the least amount of people--WTF? This is your husband and your life together. He has to come home to you at night--his parents I'm guessing don't live with you - and I'm certain they don't sleep in his bed-share in his daily life-- and I'm positive they would get over it if he really took the point home.
Sheesh--you have to focus somewhat on your relationship. With out a strong foundation it will crumble and it sounds to me like he is way to focused on what his family "thinks".
Wow that hurt me just seeing it in your post. If my BF said that to me I would probably cry and then get angry and chew his ass out.
Okay so as a SM you get use to taking second to Skids--that's understandable-- Kids come first always--but taking seconds to paretns, aunts, uncles, the ex and her husband--that's just bull. I would be furious--I AM furious and it's not even happening to me!
I'm sorry you are dealing with this--that really sucks!
Alisha
I agree X shouldn't be there
My point was you can not force the in-laws to stop. So expecting them to change this--or trying for change will probably just create more problems between everyone.
I totally agree X shouldn't be invited/included in family gatherings. Just wanted to clear that up.
Totally Agree
I agree with you 100% but what do I have to do to get my husband to see it that way. It hurts me so bad and he just doesn't get it.I can't continue living like this.