Husband talking of SD coming to live with us
The short of it is, my husband's ex has finally after 10 years come to the realization that my SD is too much for her to handle and is now asking us to let SD come live with us; I do not want this to happen.
The longer version (which I will also try to shorten down a bit), is that BM has never been a responsible adult, has a total of 6 children with 3 different fathers, with SD being in the middle of that group and her older sister and younger sisters all having the same father. It's just SD and her half brother who have different dads than the rest of them.
Years ago BM's most recent husband was locked up and social services called because he was physically abusive with the kids. At that point we told BM we felt that SD would be safer with us (we live over 300 miles away). BM refused, SD was 5 at the time. Around the time that SD was 6 she was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD and put on meds. She became increasingly more difficult to deal with at home, however when she was with us for school breaks her behavior was fine. When SD turned 7 she suddenly had a total behavior change, started getting into much more trouble in school, lying, stealing, etc... When she was with us for summer break that year she would sneak things, cut her own hair, lie about anything she could and then would try to cry her way out of these situations. It was specifically at this point that I told my husband that we should push BM to let SD live with us, because I felt that if we did not intervene and work on changing her behavior she would end up getting worse and it would end up to the point that it would be too much for us to handle. (which is the point I think we are at now).
Jump forward to SD now being 10, her behavior is much worse even medicated (which we have never felt the meds had any effect on her good or bad). At home with her BM, she is now fighting, hitting/kicking/punching her younger sisters who are 5 and 3; and is not trusted to be around the baby. BM moved late in the school year and about a month before school was finished for the year SD made up a story about one of the teachers. SD claimed that the teacher followed her home with a knife and that the teacher threatened to kill her. The teacher was suspended from school and the police were called. The story of course was NOT true, SD made it up because SD and some of her friends were playing outside one day and teasing this teachers son, and the teacher had told all of the kids to get off of her property before she called the cops. SD's retaliation was to make up this story.
The summer break after that incident she came to stay with us for 7 weeks, which was the longest 7 weeks we've ever had. She continued her manipulation, lying, stealing. She would refuse to speak to me if my husband wasn't around, or if she would it was completely disrespectful and inappropriate. She went through my husbands wallet and stole money, she went through my jewelry and stole some of that. It was horrible. Every time she would get caught, she would cry and expect that to get her out of trouble, which it did not.
I told my husband at this point that I felt we reached and past the point that living with us on a regular basis would do any good for her. All it would do would cause stress on our family. Not to mention her manipulation is exactly like BM and she is completely a behavioral copy of her mother. BM made her what she is, she should have to live with it now. I felt that way then, and I still feel that way now.
Now halfway into the school year, BM has finally kicked out and started to divorce her drug addicted abusive husband and she is on her own with 6 kids. BM is having a difficult time with SD because her behavior hasn't changed just because her step-dad is gone, she is the way she is because of her mother. However, now that BM is a single parent she feels SD is too much to handle and wants us to take her.
DH is actually considering letting SD live here. I think he is insane. We have 5 y/o and 4 m/o boys. My 5 year old has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) which causes quite a bit of issues at school and just in general. He is seeing an OT and we are working on helping him learn to deal with his sensory issues; however, it is very stressful. On top of that, we are still trying to "unteach" him the bad habits, language and behaviors that he learned from SD this summer.
I really do not want SD to come live with us. Her main excuse for the way she acts has always been because of her step-dad. Now he is gone and she still hasn't changed anything. I know I will end up having to tell DH that there is no way im going to let SD live here, and I know it is going to crush him.
I guess I am really just venting to get this out, but also wondering if anyone else has been in a situation like this?
"BM made her what she is, she
"BM made her what she is, she should have to live with it now."
I completely agree with you.
I feel sorry for this child, but unless your DH is a super strict parent, he is not going to be able to handle SD. Ya'll had her for seven weeks and it didn't help, it only caused more problems. I would become a broken record to your DH, keep telling him it is too late now, BM made her bed, now she has to lie in it.
^^^^^^^ agree!! you cant let
^^^^^^^ agree!! you cant let her move in with you and ruin your sons chances of getting better and also risk the same happening to your baby. What if she does something to them? you would never forgive yourself nor DH.
Her BM can deal with her now shes messed her up for good and deal with the consequences. Its not fair on your family,and thats who you need to put first.
Sit your DH down and explain this to him, I'm sure he is thinking the same thing but hates himself for it. it will hurt him alot, but do you want your kids ending up like her- no! good luck!
Realize that once you say yes
Realize that once you say yes and she moves in permenantly, you are committed (pretty much) for better or for worse. This child without serious, serious parenting and therapy is only going to get worse and be a terrible teenager to have in the home. Think of your younger children. If your dh wants to have her I'd say it's going to tear your marriage apart. If you divorce and your dh gets visitation with your kids and has sd living with him and you not around to protect them...? yikes.
I havent had a chance to talk
I havent had a chance to talk with him about this yet, because he practically ran out of the house this morning after he mentioned it, but I have no intentions on inviting her into my home for more than a visit.
After the last visit over summer I told both DH and SD (at the same time) that she was not going to be returning if she didn't improve her behavior over this next school year, and I meant that. I told Dh that if he wants to take time off from work and spend a week or 2 with her, that is ok with me but it will not be in our house or around our kids.
I'd feel the same way if my
I'd feel the same way if my DH suggested his train wreck of a teenage daughter come live with us. Only under the direst circumstances could I see it happening (if BM passed away or something like that) and I can almost guarantee it would put a strain/stress on our marriage.
I'm sorry you're faced with that and I do hope it all works out. Yes, your DH has a responsibility to parent his kid, that's obvious. But if BM screwed her up this badly, why is DH the only person that has to step up and fix the situation? Both parents have that responsibility to do right by their kid. It shouldn't fall solely on your DH to fix all of BM's problems with the kid.
Have you sat down and discussed in length with your DH about this? What does he say?
I was in this situation about
I was in this situation about a year ago with my elder SD, who is now almost 18. Her mother loves conflict and drama and has brought up her daughters in this manner as a daily occurrence. Consequently, the elder girl particularly is extremely combative and seems to neither have nor want any control over her anger.
She and the NPD BM had come to blows, and both were asking DH to take SD to live with us. I knew I would not be able to cope with the girl living with us (I have depression as it is, and find EOW only just bearable). I told him that I couldn't stop him moving her in, but if she came, I would have to leave. It wasn't a threat, just a statement of fact - I know I couldn't stand it and DH and I would end up breaking up in a very short space of time anyway.
This is exactly how I feel.
This is exactly how I feel. If he really feels the need to have her come live with him then he is going to have to find a place to live with her because I cannot be here. We have enough issues to deal with because of my 5 year old's SPD, I really can't take on SD's issues on top of it.
So many of these BM's want to
So many of these BM's want to keep the child from the father when the kid is a "cute" younger child. Once the results of their hideous non-parenting are set in stone - THEN they are ready to shove the kid off on anyone.
There is no good solution here. This child is probably already broken and past the stage of being repaired.
BM in our case did exactly this. Age of 15 was her "kick them out" time. Both boys ended up being miserable failures at life. One is now deceased from his bad behavior. The other will be lucky to make 30.
Taking the child in to damage more children is not a viable solution. Bringing her into your home would be like letting a rabid dog loose in your home. Sad but true.
It would be one thing if you actually could help her. But you know from experience that is not going to happen. Perhaps a therapeutic foster or group home situation might help her.
Unfortunately you would be endangering your children by letting her in - not just their development - but their actually physical safety. You cannot do that.
She was almost put in foster
She was almost put in foster care last year. She had gotten into a fight with her younger sister and whipped a beaded necklace at her face, her older sister (who is also full sisters with the younger one) took the necklace away and whipped it at SD on the back. It ended up leaving a long bruise on her back. SD went to school and told the teacher that BM hit her with the necklace and left the bruise not her older sister. BM ended up being arrested and all of the kids were in danger of being put in foster care because the social worker wasn't comfortable leaving them with the step-dad with his abusive history. We found out at that time that even if DH has 50% legal custody that since he lives out of state they would put SD in foster care before they would place her with him. On top of that once the CHIPS case was opened would have to have our home inspected and improved by CPS in our state before SD would be allowed to come visit.
This is another reason I don't want her hear. I don't want to expose my family to this type of manipulation.
Yes I have been in a similar
Yes I have been in a similar situation...Grrr!!!!
The answer is NO to having SD around. We are forced to keep my SD away but she belongs in a group home where she can learn how to function while having no parents there to play against. Its a true nightmare when the child has ODD along with another condition. There is help for kids that have it only its not fair for your other boys to be subjected to her and pick up her ways. Its not safe having someone abusive living in your home with your minor children. My SD has even taken it to the extent of attempted murder on two people already. Hurts animals, the elderly, younger children, teachers, and myself. She is horrible to be around or have in my home. I want to love my SD but she keeps me at a distance.
If you take her, I would leave the parenting upon your DH and watch your boys all the closer. She is not even a teenager yet so it can get sticky at times especially if she is not getting the help she needs. As for my SD when I have to correct her, I put her on a time out in the kitchen at a card table with a deck of cards and a glass of water. She can face the wall until her dad is home and will deal with her but my SD is 15 now. Just be careful and follow your heart.