Husband just won't be fair to my son!
Ok. I've been married to him for 14 years. He has a 23 year old son from his first marriage and I have a 19 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. We have a 12 year old son together. We married when his son was 10. His son was a NIGHTMARE teenager! He was allowed to do drugs in our house, even though I kept telling my dh that his son was on drugs, he refused to believe me for a couple of years. He brought porn into the house, he punched holes in the walls, broke cabinets and doors, fought physically with my husband, and more. Throughout all of this, I stayed, when I should have taken the kids and left. We finally got him out of the house and he lives in another state now. My husband bought him 3 different cars because he kept wrecking them. Nothing was ever said about the fact that his room and bathroom were NASTY. I don't mean just cluttered, or even dirty.. I mean NASTY.
Ok, fastforward now to my son. He is almost 19. He has NEVER done drugs, is a good, wholesome kid. He has good friends. He is a little lazy, but he has been EASY. His room is messy, clothes on the floor, books and papers on the floor. His bathroom might have clothes on the floor. He is not NASTY. But now my dh complains all the time that his room is "dirty". He complains that my son is lazy, which he does tend to be, but his son was allowed to sleep ALL DAY and I mean ALL DAY until 4pm or later and he never complained about him.
Also, I was never allowed to discipline his son. He would tell me "let me handle this, he doesn't need to think we are ganging up on him." He would talk to him in private and I would not be allowed to be present in these discussions. Now, he confronts my son ALL THE TIME about things and if I say "let me talk to him" he gets irate and says that I am "excluding him". He has no problem with us ganging up on my son at all. And if I mention that he has a double standard he tells me I have no right to bring up his son at all, that he knows I "hate" the son. And I do NOT hate him.
He just told me last night that our son cannot be put on our car insurance. My son has yet to get his driver's license, and wants to. My dh just told me last night, if he wants his license, he will have to get a job, buy a car, and get his own insurance. When I asked "what did we do for John?"... he got upset...and made something up... nothing was ever mentioned about the fact that we bought HIM 3 different cars. I know my dh is jealous of my son because he sees how close we are. I have tried, and I mean REALLY TRIED to get along with my dh, to ignore the fact that he is so biased against my son. Interestingly, he does not seem to be biased against my daughter. He will do pretty much anything she wants him to do, and I KNOW that it will be different when she and our 12yo get ready to drive. I bet you ANYTHING that his tune will change when it is one of them. I am at my wits end of how to deal with him about my son. My son is getting ready to go out of state to college this fall, and I am so glad for him to be getting away, even though I am dreading not being able to see him.
WOW...it is amazing how they
WOW...it is amazing how they can "parent" our kids and see their faults but when it comes to their own kids boy is it ever a different story. My son does chores...keeps his room clean...does great in school and is very polite and respectful and BF is the first one to point out his shortcomings. His daughter does absolutely nothing but make messes that I have to clean up (her room was so nasty it had ants in it) and be disrepectful to everyone and she is the golden child who can do no wrong.
I know. My son got over
I know. My son got over 200,000 in scholarships to different schools, graduated magna cum laude, and my dh has had nothing good to say about it. His son was in jail several times before he was 19, was in a mental hospital when he was 16, and can't keep a job or a place of residence. My dh wants to make excuses for him saying "he was left by his mom when he was 2" and I say "well, my son was left by his dad when he was 4." that's no excuse.
MY DH is the same way. His
MY DH is the same way. His kids are younger than mine and we do not have any together but he expects my daughter to help around the house, never talk back, keep her room spotless, babysit his kids, etc. while his kids are allowed to talk back, act like snotty brats, and not contribute to the household at all.
He never thanks my daughter for helping out and has gotten to the point where he wont even talk to her. She came back last night from spending a week with her Dad and he didnt even say hello to her or speak a word to her all night.
Everytime I ask him about it he says that my daughter is older so she should behave better and have more responsibilities. I agree with that but his kids are not toddlers...they should have similar expectations according to their maturity level.
I live with the same
I live with the same double-standard approach myself and can completely relate to you.
My BS19 is very similar to yours. A good kid, an excellent student but yes, lazy. He never caused any issues, none. Unless you consider an issue him not proactively looking for things to do around the house. My DH won't get off his case, it's not even funny. I told him I felt as if he was happy that there was something to berate him about every time. Like - spilling something or leaving his backpack in an un-designated area. Really silly stuff that his kids do ALL the time (my SD is also 19 and she walks on water, just ask my DH, where in reality she's incredibly lazy, entitled, rude and on top of that a lousy student).
So no advice to OP - just wanted to vent along.
Hurtful stuff.
My son is also leaving for college in the fall and I also feel torn - part of me is happy he (my son) and I will get some peace and not worry about idiotic things like - did he or did he not leave the light on in the kitchen, but at the same time, my firstborn baby is going to be very, very far away from me - that breaks my heart.
blondie66: you speak to my
blondie66: you speak to my heart. I feel exactly the same way about my son leaving! I am happy that he can get away from the BS from my husband, but at the same time, I feel like I am not going to be able to handle it. He is going very far away from me (several states away, over 800 miles away!) I know I won't get to see him at all except during major holidays and in the summer.
Wow, my son's college is also
Wow, my son's college is also several states (700 miles) away!
"So they focus on even the
"So they focus on even the smallest shortcomings of our kids so their kids don't seem like such losers." - RixChick hit the nail on the head!
I too have lived this with both of my step situations - only difference I would never allow any comments to be made in front of my kids but I too felt from the beginning that my husband was maybe even jealous of how my kids turned out in comparison to theirs. And yes, they almost seemed "happy" to have an opportunity to complain about my kids because the opportunity wasn't there very often.
Wow..that really makes
Wow..that really makes sense....I think my BF might be jealous of my son because he is so low maintenance and well behaved for the most part and doesn't bother anyone...his daughter is the complete opposite.
My husband is so completely
My husband is so completely biased, that when he starts complaining about my son and I say "but didn't John do the same thing?" he gets really angry and says "I don't understand why you keep bringing him up and comparing them". I say "well, because you seem to have forgotten that he was exactly the same way when he was this age..." and I'm talking about things like not cleaning his room, being lazy, etc. I'm NOT talking about drugs, filth, etc. Because my son is NOT like that.
Wow, I don't which side of
Wow, I don't which side of this coin I fall on. I could be both sides! My DW complains all the time about me allowing my BC to get away with murder. I know she is right most of the time. We have very different cc arrangements. DW has her BS15 and BS9 50% of the time. I have my BD15, BD9 and BS11 every other weekend. I know I could be harder on them, but it sucks to punish your BC for the 2 days you have them out of 14. We have had real issues with tit for tat arguments over what our BC do. DW's BS15 has had some serious problems lately. He failed his freshman year in high school, got involved in drugs, and stealing, and has been an all around pain in our butt. DW has taken every privilege away from him that you can imagine, so he really can't be punished any more for the little things he does wrong. To make matters worse, my BD15 who is a smart mouth, obnoxious brat did very well this year in school. I really think this irritates the crap out of DW. She firmly believes I am a bad parent that doesn't discipline his BC enough. On top of that BD's BM is a total psycho. DW has been hiding things her BS does wrong from me, including calling my daughter a liar when she ratted on him. DW still hasn't admitted to me my BD wasn't lying about what she ratted on him about. It's crazy. DW called my daughter a liar just to keep what her BS did wrong from coming out. DW tries to find any reason she can for me to punish my BC. She has even gone back to things that happened weeks ago demanding I punish them now. What my BS did was very wrong, and I have talked to him about what he did. DW shouldn't get mad at me if I don't jump in his butt as hard as she wants me to weeks after it occurred. If it bothered DW that bad, she should have told me right away. I really think DW is trying to even the score because her BS is in so much trouble. It has been very destructive to our marriage to the point that divorce is becoming a real possibility. This sucks because we also have a BD1 together now!