How do I stop thinking about BM?
I have been dealing with really ugly feelings toward BM. I'm constantly comparing myself to her, and I know it's not healthy. She's not like many of the BM's in many of your lives -- lazy, no job, passing her children off. She's the opposite. She dotes on her children -- to a fault, lives for them, does everything for them -- brushes the teeth of her middle schooler, picks up after them, that sort of thing.
She also has this very ugly side as well when she posted a picture of our newborn baby nursing (we sent it to her bc SS wanted to see a picture of me with his new (half) sibling) offering her in the caption to an "online friend" who said she wanted a baby. She told SD when she was 8 that DH cheated on her during their marriage (not with me). She won't always pick up the phone so DH can speak with the kids. Really petty, really bitter things. She's never had a serious relationship since their divorce, and says "My children come first." She seems lonely, not over DH (talks about him incessantly and their life together in not-so-secret online world. (I've since stopped looking at her various sites).
I also just don't see how DH gave nearly half his adult life to someone like her. She's uptight, doesn't have a friend in the world (lives on the internet), doesn't get along with other women...He's careful never to say hateful things about her -- just I never was in love with her, we got married after college because that is what people do, stayed for the kids, has no feelings for her, never really did. As a childish as it is, I wish he would verbally bash her to me! I wish he would insult her as she has insulted me on the internet (I know I sound like a teenager! He was livid with her picture of our baby stunt, and called her and yelled at her saying it was an abuse of trust and he was disappointed in her lack of judgment. This is really bad, but knowing everything I know about her now, I see him as less attractive for having chose someone like that and having stayed for so long. I'm having trouble getting over BM....
Just my random musings on a rare, quiet Saturday morning. Any advice appreciated, thanks.
I think what you are feeling
I think what you are feeling is normal feelings of anyone who is married to someone who has been married and at one time established a family with someone else. I struggle with these feelings daily. Although I don't think BM is mother of the year by any means, I see your point on feeling less adequate. The truth is, you have to be comfortable with yourself before these feelings go away. It sounds like she is so hands on with her kids because she has no one else in her life. If they were happy together, they would still be married. Instead, he has chosen you. We all make mistakes and we all have made decisions in our lives that we regret. If you want to have a happy and functional marriage, you can't hold your husbands past decisions regarding BM against him. Would you want him to hold an ex against you? Just because she isn't over the reality of having a failed marriage, or maybe even over your husband, doesn't mean that he isn't over her. Also, keep in mind, it is easy to post happiness on a website, behind a screen that no one can see. That doesn't make her a happy person. My advice to you is to talk to DH and tell him how you feel. Sometimes people stay in situation for reasons that aren't good (i.e. for the kids). Don't let her bitterness and vindictiveness shape the way you view yourself or your relationship.
Thanks deeplydevoted,
Thanks deeplydevoted, beautifully said. I will re-read your message when I'm having a hard time with this!
MiserableStepmom how is
MiserableStepmom how is marriage counseling? I am a young woman who has been with a man for 2 yrs (he has two kids from 2 different women) and we tried counseling at one point in time, but boy did that end quickly!
If you and your husband are not getting along about something, are frustrated about a particular topic, or a difficult situation, how do you go with your husband to marriage counseling and then come out of the session and still be around him for the rest of the day???
My counselor has suggested that my bf, his two kids, and I do "family counseling" but if my bf and I can't make it past a couple of sessions of counseling I SERIOUSLY doubt family counseling is even an option!
Would love to hear your advice and experience with marriage counseling!
-Young_one