How to blend this?
DH and I have been married for 2 years and it's been a full on struggle. In all fairness we have 4 teens and 1 grade-schooler which is a lot of attitude to contend with. I have disengaged with his teens due to disrespect and they just won't flat out do anything asked by me. My DH gets upset if I point out issues that his kids have created such as a mess, bad grades, lying. He is very defensive. I am expected to act like a happy go lucky wife and bury all the anxiety our household creates. He, on the other hand, feels that he should speak up and be heard about anything having to do with my children. I can be ok with that as long as I get to be heard too, but he feels the things I see aren't issues, but me trying to "level the playing field." No, it's just basic raising kids under one roof issues. Is this just hopeless? Has anyone survived the teen years in a blended family with a similar dynamic? I feel really resentful about disengaging (which I did for my sanity) and not saying anything when he feels he gets to have a say all the time.
I wish I had good advice, I
I wish I had good advice, I don't - there was only one kid in my step situation! But welcome, and hopefully others can help.
Seems to me that house rules need to be the same, and the kids need to respect both parents, even if the bio parent has the final word on consequences.
Your DH is the problem
One, he not parenting his kids. He has to make those kids respect you. They don’t have to like you but have to respect you and the home. Two, if he doesn’t want your input on his kids. Then do nothing for his kids, no driving them anywhere, no cleaning up after them, no nothing for them. Let DH handle all of it. Even hiring a babysitter if needed. None of your money goes to any SK activity, as eating, clothing, vacations, He can not have it both ways,
I think you’ll find this is a
I think you’ll find this is a common struggle with people on this site and per our counselor, marriages in general. I found that my husband started being lax when he wasn’t previously, once SS became a teenager. Perhaps because of the divorce and move? I knew him as a parent before the divorce (and no we didn’t have a thing while they were together) and he was very strict, heck the man served 22 years in the Air Force. Once SS moved back with him (he was just with mom when the divorce first happened but long story lived with just dad for many years during the marriage) he started to let him get away with A LOT. A lot of rude behavior, not doing what he should. Etc. It makes my life miserable.
We blended teens and it wasn
We blended teens and it wasn't easy.
After years what has worked -
We parent our own children. We offer opinions but that is it. But we don't let disrespect slide at all. That is taken care of immediately and not tolerated. We also disciple well so there is rarely an issue that warrants an argument from the other.
However I am disengaged completely. I rarely if ever participate in skid activities due to their level of PAS. I refuse to spend one moment of my time helping, doing and even speaking. To skids I am not their SM, I am Dad's SO and that's its. With my bios it is different, they have a solid relationship with my SO.
We have also set boundaries and talked about how things will look, now and in the future and agreed upon them ahead of time.
And we do not get involved in the teen squabbles between kids unless we absolutely have to step in because one has crossed a line. A major rule in our home is you don't have to like the person but you do have to respect them and respect their boundaries and space. For the most part it works.
I will say it isn't easy. We made it to the other side but it took some wars to get there.
Consistent standards of
Consistent standards of behavior in the home and escalating misery inducing age appropriate consequences until behaviors comply with the rules.
Keep it simple, apply the pain.