Hi Its Haley Again.....I know Im only 20
Hi, I first just wanted to say thanks for all of the people who responded to my blog. And I wanted to answer your questions and clear somethings up.
Yes I know Im 20 and my BF is almost 40 but hes amazing. We have more in common than any other person I have been with. I have been on my own since I was 16 so I am a lot more mature than most 20 year old anyway.... but we have a very strong great relationship. I know 3 step kids does not seem like something a women my age wants to take on but a family is what i have wanted my whole life. I grew up alone in a girls home and then on my own from 16. I have given ALOT of thought to this life and I am very happy and I know what Im getting myself into....
And also he has not painted any kind of picture that makes him look perfect and that she is the evil one. The deal behind their divorce is something crazy. She was molested as a child for like 7 years by her father and never told my BF until after she had his last child. It really tore at my BF because his children had been spending the night with him at his house and spending a lot of time just like normal kids do with their grandparents but u can see how that becomes an issue when u learn the grandfather is a childmolester. Months went by and his middle child told him that this grandfather had been touching him. My BF brought this to her and she refused to believe it even though she had been molested and called him a liar. This caused months and months of fighting and it soon just became a upward battle.
I have seen court documents emails and so many other things that prove all this to be true. My BF baught the house that they lived in before they got married so she moved out and in the attic he found her diary and read it. He has shown it to me and gave it to his lawyer as evidence because in it she writes how he was a good husband and tried hard with her, how she has problems with drinking and wishes she could make things right. I have seen her hand writing and this is the real deal. It gets better.... guess where she moves to when they seperate?? BACK IN WITH HER PARENTS, BACK WITH THE CHILD MOLESTER!! Me and my BF have been in and out of court dealing with this for months. The middle child and the oldest have all been sexually abused due to the courts allowing the mother to let them be around her father. My BF is fighting to get full custody and trying to declare her unfit because WHAT MOTHER TAKES HER CHILDREN AROUND A CHILD MOLESTER?
Yes, Im living in a crazy situation but I asure you it is not my BF thats the problem. He has joint custody and fought tooth and nail to get that. The crazy thing is: I DONT HAVE ANY TROUBLE FROM HIS KIDS. They love me, they know that their mother is crazy and hate being with her. She is manipulative and a liar. She has tried to turn them against me but it never works, we have a great time together and they love me as much as i do them!
And I know a lot of people think Im throwing my life away but Im not. We have them every other week. She has them 7 days we have them 8 and so on so when we dont have them we go out, go to south beach, out to dinners hang with friends. And when we do have them we do family stuff. We dont fill up our time with things we have to be at. the kids each have 1 activity and the rest is our time. She cant pull any crap like not giving us the kids cause my BF has court orders FOR EVERYTHING and if she tries anything she goes to jail, thats how bad it is!
THANKS TO EVERYONE THAT HAS WELCOMED ME! THIS PLACE IS A LOT OF HELP!
<3 Haley
hi Haley
Well certainly that is cause for concern. Let me tell you my bio father is a child molester as well. He molested two of my sisters (not his bio's) but at the time my sister finally told my mom she was a teen and it had been going on for years. My mom told him to get out. I was 5/6 when he left. I am 31 now, I did speak to him on the phone for about 7 months after like 21 years of not knowing him. Which that 7 months was good for me, I healed. He made one mention of how he would like to meet my kids and I point blank told him nope you will never ever meet my kids. I am there mother which pulls ranks over him being a grandfather, my job is to protect my kids not put them in harms way. So I say you love him and he loves you, stick it out and stand with him.
Personally i cannot imagine being married and not telling your spouse that. I mean seriously. I think my husband knew all that like after 3 months. I am not ashamed, I did not do anything wrong. I cannot help it that he made a choice of that. So I am honest with my husband about my dad.
My SK- there gmpa on mom's side molested there mom when she was young and my husbnad and her let there daughter my SD go last summer and I talked to my hubby about the fact that I did not think that she should have went. But she was home only after like 3 days.. But I am with you on this one.
Grandpa should not be around kids period..
THANK YOU HAPPY!
Thanks for the support happy. After the last alagation of child abuse from the Grandfather my BF and myself were granted full custody of the children pending the investigation. 2 months later the ex wife was told either you move out of your parents house and u can see ur children or u can live with ur parents and have supervised visitation. She moved out and we went back to regular custody schedule. This was 3 days before Christmas. Do u know what this women did after that? Showed the children all these wrapped up toys under the tree and said YOU CAN ONLY HAVE THESE WHEN U CAN SEE GRANDPA AGAIN! She is crazy. She was making the children feel bad for telling the truth. When the children told us this we called the "attorney for the children" and he took the children from her again. 3 weeks later she got them back. Since then she still continues to screw up and get the children taken from her and mean while making my BF and my life hell ;(
<3 Haley
Haley your story sounds very
Haley your story sounds very sad. I will not even going to pretend to know what you are going through. Be kind to each other and watch out for those precious children. Sounds like they need you both.
On a side note...my Best friend is 27..I am 40...and her husband to be is 46. They met when she was just 18. I knew him first and we have become such wonderful friends. I tell her all the time she is an old soul. She came from a divorced family and is fair more mature than most 40 year olds I know (my dh's ex for example). They are to be married this year. And they are perfect together. So good luck...age is just a number. Sounds like you are an old soul as well.
Haley, I agree with Tyra
Haley, I agree with Tyra about your story...just give them all, all the love you can.
And age is just a number. I met my son's father when I was 17 and he was 37. We were together until I was 23. It didn't work out, but that wasn't due to our ages. And we have remained great, close friends all these 27 years. My current partner is 17 years older than me. My best friend is 10 years older. I think there are old souls. I'm one, and I think you must be one.
Found this along time ago and found it to be so interesting! Don't know that I agree with all of it, but definitely agree with the age comment.
The Similarities That Hardly Matter
What similarities between two people are not important for relationship success?
By Dr. Neil Clark Warren
eHarmony.com Founder
If you've read any of my writings on relationships, you'll know that I'm a big fan of similarity between both partners before the relationship begins.
It goes like this: Similarities between two people are like money in the bank. Dissimilarities are like debts they owe. It's okay to have a few debts as long as you have plenty of equity in your account; otherwise you're likely to be bankrupt at a frighteningly early stage.
I can remember a pre-marital discussion with a young couple. They were obviously worried about the idea of marriage and the girl, Nancy, was quick to point out why.
"Dr. Warren, I'm worried because I've read your articles on similarity. I'm afraid we aren't enough alike to have a successful relationship."
She went on to tell me that she was a morning person. She loved to get in the bed early, have a good night's rest, and rise at daybreak. Doug, it turns out, was the exact opposite. He liked to watch Sports Center at 11pm and then read until he was tired. He was a writer and liked to take advantage of his flexible schedule by sleeping until 9:30 in the morning.
So I asked about the rest of their relationship. It turns out that Nancy and Doug had the same religious background, were of comparable intelligence and ambition, both loved to entertain socially, and had the same financial goals and personal values. They were, in fact, extremely similar in most important ways.
Nancy was noticeably relieved when I told her that all similarities are not created equal. In that spirit, I want to give you a list of traits that don't seem to matter so much when it comes to long-term compatibility.
1. Formal education
My brother-in-law has a PhD. My sister is a high-school graduate. The two of them get along wonderfully well. I want to remind you that intelligence is a crucial similarity, but formal education doesn't seem to be a necessity in terms of a similarity. If you have intelligence in common the two of you can be quite differently educated on a formal level.
2. Age
Only in America do we make a big thing about two people being of a similar age. In other civilized countries of the western world there are examples of two persons who are quite dissimilar in terms of age. She can be older, he can be older, and they get along perfectly well. I know a lot of relationships in which age is not a similarity and the two people do unusually well.
3. Sense of humor
Well, it's nice to have two people who laugh at the same thing. They don't need to be similarly talented in terms of wit. Sometimes it's helpful if they're not. For instance, one person can be the entertainer and one person can specialize in being entertained. You don't have to be the same in your production of humor, but it is nice if you can have some similarity in enjoyment in what is produced.
4. Sleep Habits
I would suggest to you that if the person in whom you are deeply interested has a different set of sleeping habits, for instance, maybe he only sleeps five hours a night and she may require eight hours a night, if there is sensitivity in the relationship so that he will be quiet so that she can continue to sleep as long as she needs to the two of you will get along fine.
5. Energy level for physical activity
Plenty of couples I know involve a situation in which he or she, though more often he I think, has more energy for physical activities outside. She doesn't have as much energy but they do just fine together because they have so many similarities over in the other areas.
It is important to remember the broad outline of this policy on similarity. Your relationship can easily endure dissimilarities as long as your "bank account" has a healthy level of equity. Be sure to consider each debit and credit with an eye on the total balance and you can make sure you're making the right relationship decision.
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Sounds like your eyes are wide open, Haley...
And we don't choose who we love, our hearts tell us that. It pisses me off to no end that this "mother" who was abused herself intentionally and knowingly allowed her children to be around a known sex offender. She had to know it would happen to them. She's sick and I hope for the kids' sake that she someday, somehow gets help with all of this so that they don't end up as screwed up as she obviously is. I feel sorry for her, because no one chooses to be a victim. However, she did choose to allow her children to become victims and that's about as low as it gets. My question is why were the police not called YESTERDAY about this? I mean, if he's sexually abused the children, was he not arrested for this? Wouldn't that about their mother come out at trial? I mean, come on! Any judge that would allow children to remain with a mother who knowingly put them in the presence of a known sex offender should not be sitting on a bench in any jurisdiction. As for your age, twenty years from now you'll wish you knew as much as you think you know today. (Did that make sense?!) Point being, no matter how mature and worldly you may be, regardless of your life experiences, there is ALWAYS much to learn, no matter how old you are. Just ask my husband, who is turning 40 next month and I WISH he had the maturity of a 20yo.
All joking aside, children can teach us so much about ourselves, about our limits and our capacity for love. It takes a lot to commit to a child, let alone three, and if you are willing and able to commit to them 100%, then go for it. It sounds like they really need someone female in their corner. I wish you all the best of luck! And welcome, by the way. This site can be such a huge stress-reliever. If you don't believe me, then - let's have a show of hands, please, from all of you (us!) who are addicted...
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Raising hand.
Wow, it sounds like you are really up for this. Good that those kids have someone like you in their corner. I would still say that you will want to keep track of yourself in all of this. It's great that you have a strong relationship but as someone married to an older guy, I do prepare myself to be financially independent if need be. Really, I think everyone should do this, but with the age difference it is a little more pertinent.
You sound really giving. I'm glad for your family and read somewhere that giving to others can help us with our own healing. Best of luck, and good luck in courts. I hope the judge can see the light on this one.
// Susanna
"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco
you're doing a good thing
I'm 22 and I have two step kids and two of my own. I think what you are doing is very noble. From the way you talk you seem to be very mature and if that is what you feel in your heart to be the best thing for you I say go for it. I've been with my husband a little over two years but I have known him for almost five. We were friends before we decided to be anything else. I know that there is alot of pressure involved with being a step mother but, in your situation it's the best thing for the kids especially if their bio mom is not going to see to their well being. So keep doing what you are doing and give those kids extra love.