Its a long winding but somehow very rewarding road too.. But it does make you get your panties in a bunch A LOT..
And it makes you full of anger and hatred, and you look in the mirror and think OMG what the hell is happening to me.. LOL..

I am not going to hold back here.. I am trying a new thing. honesty at all cost..
Your life as a SM will be full of twist and turns and sometimes the roller coaster will go so fast you just want off. So it takes more work to be in a marriage or relationship alone as a Step Parent. You not only try to work on the marriage relationship but you have to constantly work on the relationships with the children. And then sad to say but there are BM who are hell bent on making "your family" life a living hell. And its because like Fearless says they have the syndrome "I don't want him but I sure in the hell don't want anyone else to have him". Its almost like because they have kids with him they think its like ownership. They get to call all the shots and the only thing the SP gets to do is pay for things and sometimes have a say.
Now my situation is not horrible I think even at times I make it worse then what it really is just because I do not have the prespective to look at the situation in other ways until its pointed out by someone here..
I would say think long and hard about this.. 20 is awfully young to start out this way. And I am sure your man is a great man.. Just seriously think about all that is said here. Read Caitlyn's blogs, or some others where the ex wife is just a Horrible Miserable Woman..

This is ALL JUST MY OWN THOUGHTS..
I can say that I would not want my daughter to do this for sure.. If she did I would just let her know what she was in for.. And try to help her.. But its hard.. and its a full time job... Just trying to keep your sanity is a huge part.. LOL..

I hope I did not offend anyone.. Not my intent..
happy

So either pack your bags and run to the nearest exit NOW or resign yourself to it and become a regular on this site!

I just passed the five-year mark. It has never gotten any better and is consistently getting worse as time passes. The only thing that changes is us, trying to find new ways to deal with the same old BS.

:o WELCOME! :o

~ Anne ~

Oh lord, twenty is too young for all the steplife drama.....I'm in my forties and it's the toughest situation in life I've ever faced. Do yourself a favor and think long and hard about this...and then,.... Don't Do It!!!
(But if you do, we'll be here!)

As most of the others have posted, the answer to your question is YES YES YES!!! It will always be like this. I am in the same situation, except that I am a bit older, 37. I have 3 beautiful kids of my own and an Ex that is great. I get along with him and his wife and we all share in the good and bad times when it comes to the kids.

I tried to be open to this with my boyfriends ex and boy did I get a big wake up call. She is a mean, hateful, foul mouth lier that dose everything she can to turn her kids against their father and I. She has even stated that it is her life goal to make our lives a living hell. We are in the middle of a nasty custody battle over their children, ages 8, 10 and 13. The two younger ones have expressed a desire to live with us because they don't like the mean things mom says about my boyfriend and I. She never did any activities with the kids before the divorce, but now she goes to everything so that we can't go. It was just recently that I made my BF understand that he can still go to the scout meetings and other activities the children are involved in. He has learned to ignore her and focuses on the kids. But it is hard, and I am not allowed to go right now as it makes it more difficult for the children as she will verbally attack us if I show up.

She dose have the oldest caught up in her games now. The BM has bipolar and we just found out that they think the daughter may also. She has started going along with her mom and calling us names when she is at home, but she does not do it to our face. She is very disrespectful to her father though. She will not listen to him, throw tantrums, screams that she wants to go home if she doesn't get her way, and she is 13 yrs old.

My BF pays over $700 a month in child support yet she will sign the kids up for every activity under the sun and expect him to pay for it. And she bribes the kids so they will want to stay home and not come to our place during our time. She will let them go on the computer or buy them toys or take them shopping when she knows it is our day to have them. We never force them to come with us. We don't want to be the bad guys in any of this. We just tell them we love them and we will see them on the next day. But the oldest boy, he is 10, is very mature for his age and he knows what the BM is up to. He has told us how she is trying to break us financially by signing up the kids for everything, or how she bribes the other 2 so they won't want to come.

The only thing I can say is I hope you are strong and can take a lot of s***. I have wanted to walk many times, but I love my BF with all my heart and I love all the kids as well. For us it is important to stand together and to always be honest with each other if something upsets us. When I was 20 I would never have been able to deal with this kind of crap and I would have walked away. If my BF now was not always on my side and able to stand up for both himself and I, I would not be here. You have to have a truly unbreakable bond to be able to put up with an Ex from hell. I wish you the best of luck in what ever you choose to do. Just know that the only person you have to prove yourself to is YOU. Stay true to yourself and never let the BM pull you into her games. The kids will see the real you in time and they will see that you don't play games like she does. They may not show it or realize it now, but down the road they will.

Hi! Hayle

I was 23 when I meet my husband and we've been together for 5 years. He as a 10yro girl and a 8 yro son and we too moved in togeter just 6 months after we were dating. BM is also a pycho I think all ex- wifes are, she too kept complaining about the most stupid things at one stayge she complaied that she was going to report us because we lived in a 2 bed unit and her kids were sharing a room and that boys and girls should not share rooms. Pycho! but then she had another child herself and it was okay that the kids shared a room so that the new baby could have a room of it's own.

As the year go by she gets better and although in the odd accassion she says stupid things to the kids and does odd things I try not to take it to heart, but I have a wonderful husband who I'm absolutely inlove with, we have a 3 month old and life is great! Sure there is always some issue but we deal with it as a team.

My suggestion to you is if you are trully in love then stay and things may get easier but if your heart is not in it then leave now while you can you are too young to put up with this if his not the one.

For my situation, no the ex didn't get better. She tried to fake it, (growing up, being nice, etc.) but it was only a tactic to find out more about hubby and i to use against us in arguements with DH. Now, I find that her focus has turned from us to the kids.

When hubby and I met, I was 25, no kids. He was 29 with three. Add on the ex with a tendancy to hold everyone she knows under her thumb so that they can't so much as breathe without permission - not a good recipe. It's been a long, hard road. One that has had far more rewards then disappointments. Of course, I realize that now looking back!

You have to do what you feel is right in your heart. Yes, 20 is young for the situation, but I wasn't too much older. 5 years sounds like a lot, but I was still single with no kids. The ex won't change, she will just find new ways of manipulation and new ways to hurt you. I'm glad that you can't choose who you fall in love with, I met a wonderful guy that I'm so looking forward to growing old with.

As I said, I have noticed that lately (since all of the kids are older now) ex's attention has turned from us to the kids. Guilt trips over what she perceives as favoritism of Hubby and I. I guess that when you throw one of your kids out of the house they should just come back to you begging for your love. (Of course, you don't have to change, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, it's everyone else that has the problem....) She's constantly bragging about how she's done this and she's done that. How much $$ she's spent blah blah blah. All in an attempt to make hubby feel like he does nothing. (I have to laugh because now he cuts her off and just asks her to get to the point. LOL) Hmmmmmm. All we can offer is love and support, and guess where all the kids are constantly????

I can say that the ex won't change. Unless on the rare occasion that an exorcism has been performed, and worked, but I don't think all the holy water in the world could do that with any of they psychos. You will need a thick skin, and a padded bathroom where no one can hear your screams. Or you can do what I did. Let hubby take the kids home and use that time to cry your eyes out, scream, rant and rave. Then calm down and wash you face before he gets back!

I say you are too young to be dealing with this. It doesn't get any better with time or age. I have been with my DH for four years. The step kids are 14 and 16 and it doesn't get any better. I am 28 and he is 42, but it makes no difference. I have two biokids of my own and our blended family has caused me to age before my time. Had I known then what I know now, I would run the other way...Fast, very fast. Ex's are there to make your life a living h***. Nine times out of ten, they are miserable and wants everyone to be miserable especially their ex husbands. Run, don't look back and learn from this life experience.

yes, that is the way that you will live as long as you have a relationship with him. if he didn't put his foot down after all these years you can bet hes not going to now.

I would reconsider your relationship for TWO reasons. First the age difference, 19 years is a lot. My ex was 18 years older than me. I met him when I was 21 and thought it was so cool to be with an older man who was established and had a family (5 boys). Well we got married when I was 27 (you'd have though I would have wised up by then). The older you get, the 'cool' part goes away. We divorced after 22 years and 1 child together. He was an alcoholic the last 10 years so that's why we divorced (not because of the age), but I can't imagine being with him now...I am 58 years old and he's 76. Doesn't sound as cool as 20 and 39 does it? SEcond reason, find a guy with no baggage and start your own family, it's so much easier. And the others are right...it really doesn't get much better. You will always be dealing with 'their past'.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

Hanny

You are too young TO BE IN THIS SITUATION. You haven't even known him long enough to decide anything! Your tastes, wants, judgements haven't even formed yet. What you pick now will probably NOT BE WHAT YOU WANT LATER. Oh, my! Give your life a chance. He, at 39 was a smart one. Get a young girl that doesn't know much about life & let her help him with his kids. If you were my daughter I'd blindfold & kidnap you to get you away from him. YOU'D THANK ME LATER. Your thoughts should be on YOU. Your educational plans, travel, developing interests & hobbies NOT SOMEONE ELSE'S KIDS & PROBLEMS. Oh honey, RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Shame on him!

It never gets any better. I love being married to my DH but I do not like being married to him his ex and the skids. It is a long hard emotional roller coaster especially with the crazy ex. You are young think hard about your decision to stay or go.

Yep...this is your life if you plan on staying with him, I know how you feel because I go through it with my B.F and his x and they have 5 kids, and his x really is a nut!

I been on this site many times venting and wondering how the heck I was going to be able to live like this or handle it...But I do,
If your relationship with B.F is good and stable then it makes all the easier for you.. it really does.

She sounds jelous and misrable and you have to keep that in mind.I realized you cant always please everybody..including sk mom sometimes.
If you really love him like you say you do you'll be down for the battle and let nothing she does or says divert you from the kind of life you want to have with your man, because obviously its a life she wish she still had.

it is to know that all of you are just like me. Haley it does not get any better. My DH and I have been married for a little over 4 years and it gets worse every single day. I love him so much and I am really blessed to have him because he is great. His ex is psycho, controlling, lies, manipulates and has managed to turn DH family not only against me, but him too. One blogger said expect to go to court and expect to lose, they are right. No matter what proof you have, there are too many mommy judges in this world. The judge told DH psycho ex that she got an F in parenting and she still got what she wanted. She has been remarried, but I promise it did not help. She has been in a relationship with what seems to be a good guy (poor sap), but it has not helped. She expects me to ask permission before I said yes to marriage, before I said I DO, and now before we get pregnant. She even refused to refinance the house into her name and was one payment from forclosure just so we could not buy a home of our own. Right before court she paid up so she would look better. She tell Skids DH does not pay her CS which is a total lie b/c it comes straight from his check. Over 1100 a month, but she can't afford anything (she too has a job). One SD is hook, line and sinker with everything out of her moms mouth (she is identical in charater and behavior), the other SD is getting there I think. I often look back and wonder how my life would be different. Think long and hard haley before you invest yourself 100%. My skids were great in the beginning and then wickedly turned.

Haley,

Welcome to the community. I hope you find it a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective.

For community members familiar with my story my opening comment on the subject line may seem a bit hypocritical. Please bear with me for a moment.

I am 12 years older than my wife. She was 18 and I was 30 when we married. Our age difference has not been an issue in our marriage. I have loved experiencing things that may be repeat activities for me but are new for her. Experiencing them again with her made them as thrilling as the first time I experienced it. In our case the age difference has not been a detriment to our blended family situation. In fact it has been a benefit. My wife is the one who brought a kid to the marriage. Because I am older and was established when we married I have been able to support her in any conflicts with BioDad and his family. In your case the age difference is 180degrees different than our situation.

My wife moved very quickly through young adulthood because she was a Mom. She had to grow up over night when she became a Mom at 16. I did not have to grow up quickly and probably still have not in many ways and I just turned 45.

You have the world ahead of you, you are not a single teen mom and taking on the baggage of a middle aged man, his children and his XW is something I would recommend that you not do. A twenty year age difference is not a big deal depending on which end of life you are on. If you were 40 and he was 60 then it would be no big deal. You are 19 and he is 39. He has had his youth, grown his adult perspectives and has made decisions he can not change. You have your youth to live,your own decisions to make and your own life forming experiences to have.

Rather than skip your young adult formative years and experiences by jumping straight to the life of a 40y/o second wife (if you marry his family you will not have the chance to be the 20yr old hotty turning all of the frat boys heads as you saunter around campus) I would recommend that you go to college, experience the wonders of your 20's and then get married and start a family of your own rather than taking on someone else's.

Step parenting is a very noble decision but is is the most difficult thing a person can choose to do IMHO. At 20 you would be giving up entirely to much if you make that decision now.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

Please don't waste your life like I did. Your young you have your whole life ahead of you do you really want all this baggage? Most men your age have never been married and would love to start a family with you. Do you want to be a 3rd wheel on his ready made family? Sorry to be so down but a day does not go by for me without dreaming what my life could have been. Not all divorce situations are bad but if your posting here yours can't be to good. So please do whats best for yourself before its to late and your 40 looking back with nothing but regrets.

If only I had known then what I know now I would have never have got involved. Don't waste your life being a martyr. You have plenty of time to find a partner with no crazy baggage because believe me, as the children get older, the misery increases.

Graduations, weddings, family gatherings, funerals...it all ends in tension and hostility. Not good for any relationship.

The acid test though, is your bf's attitude to his ex. Be honest with yourself. Does he support you 100% throughout, or are you left silently seething with the way he handles things?

I just want to say. I UNDERSTAND!!!

I am 26 and my DH is 45.

My DH’s psycho ex made a facebook page saying I harm children, stalked me, emailed my friends, and family telling them lies about me, called me a slut in a public space, contacted people in my profession….and the list goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on….

One thing I can say is that the first year is the hardest. It will be intense.
The upsets become fewer and far between as time goes on….but, they don’t really disappear. You will develop a thick skin and get used to it.

I sense you really love this guy. You have to hold on to that.
Just make sure to set up boundaries to protect yourself as best you can. Document everything.

#1 is to be happy.

Yes, this how it's going to be. If your are wise run away and never look back. Be thankful that you are not any further into that mess than you already are. It will be wisest thing you ever do.

It all just gets worse as time goes on -especially after marriage.

You were the OW ( other woman)sEperated from his wife for 4 years and magically met you? you actually believe this man?

Plus you're 20 years-old he is 19 years older then you, and you wonder why mom has such a problem?

run do not walk run away.

Yes, everyone on here that says it will be like this is telling you the truth. It will be hard and sometimes you may want to give up or wonder what the heck you got yourself into but if you work at it, it can work. I am 28 and my husband is 18 yrs older than me. We have been together for 5.5 years and will be married for 3 in December. My husbands ex is wacko and we have gone through hell dealing with her. But I would never tell you to walk away from someone you love people told me to do the same thing and thank God I didn't listen. I am married to a wonderful husband that treats me like a queen and would do anything for me. I know I am fortune!!! Good Luck!!!

To start, I think need some help. I am not sure how to handle the exwife issue either. I have been married to my DH for 2 years. When we started dating, he had a 2 yr old son. His wife had cheated on him and racked up about 40,000 in crdt card debt when the got divorced. We now have our own daughter. My problem is the communication between my dh and the bm. It seems that she is always calling or texting something. She makes it out to be something important, but in actuality it could wait until my ss is swapped - we keep him one week and she one week. She has told him bad things about me (including that "they were a family until i came along!!) I don't think my DH takes up for me regarding these issues. I think he would rather just not "disturb the peace". I feel like I have another women pulling my husbands strings and there is nothing I can do about it. I have trid to keep my mouth shut, really I have, but sometimes it is more than i can bear. He doesn't understand how or why I feel this way. Does anyone have advice?? I know that being sm is hard and i know that i volunteered to be in this situation, it just isnt' getting any better!

I say run like hell or don't even think of marrying him until she is firmly in her place. I cannot figure out why this is too much to ask! I am new to this site and am grateful for it! I am working hard on new understandings and revelations but I am not sure I will ever be able to completely forgive may man "allowing" BM and SD to blatantly disrespect me. Had I known it would have been such a tug of war. I do not understand why people seem to believe that being an ex wife/BM or a skid, gives you an open license to hurt and ruin people. Haley, there are a lot of veteran's on here and I don't hear many or any saying "it will get better" but I do hear a lot of them saying, "it's going to get worse". Believe it.

You are 20 years old with your whole life in front of you. Please don't step into a situation like this. You should look at going to college, join the Peace Corp, travel, anything but step into something that is beyond difficult to deal with.

I'm in my early 40's and married someone 10 years older. He's a Physician and I have a Masters degree in Special Education and I can't deal with the crazy ex, the never-ending drama and the intense resentment I feel after 6 months of marriage. I don't see it changing and if I could go back in time two years ago I would. I honestly feel like I've ruined my life.

You are too young with too much to look forward to. You can do anything you want with your life if you just believe in yourself. If you think things may be easier to settle for him, think again. It can be harder than you can ever imagine.

I am newly 48,
Separated with 2 grown stepsons in their mid-late 20's.
I get along well w/my former spouse (he is in Madrid and I am in the USA, so it makes it easier). And love my stepsons very much.

My new "BF" is 50, separated and has 4 kids:
2 teens at home, ages 16 (boy) and 17 (girl), one in college 20 (girl) and one a grad and teacher age 24 (girl).

STB Ex Wife is age 43, has been dating her HS sweetheart since the separation in June. (They separated in Jan, legally and formally in June this yr). He can file for divorce 31 June 2011 and me, 15 April 2011.
Even though she has a BF, she appears very jealous of me.

She is a petite gal, a bit stocky, but I think she is still very pretty. As she feels better about herself and is exposed to the world via her new career, she will feel more confident and happy with whom she is as a woman (and I am hoping less intimidated by me).

She has this BF, who she apparently loves and it appears, they want to marry. (Unfortunately, my BF says she has gained perhaps up to 20lbs, hence that does not help my situation.) She got pregnant at age 17 and they married when she was 18. It appears she has low self esteem having never worked, travelled or a sense of self-accomplishment (despite raising what appear to be 4 bright, lovely children).

My BF is a wonderful father and has a successful career. It appears he and his stb ex wife drifted apart but he wanted the divorce a bit more. Again, there ARE 2 sides to every story and I do not know hers.

I am a tall, slim, athletic natural redhead with an hourglass figure. Have travelled the globe and led what most would consider an exciting life. (I worked very hard to earn and maintain that.) I have the support of friends from both coasts of the USA and around the globe, had a wonderful career at the Pentagon before living in Spain the last 2yrs, and am back home in VA working on resurrecting my career.

I am also a 2x cancer Prevailer and could never have children of my own. Having had a wicked step mother and abusive stepfather (both of whom I have long forgiven), I know first hand what is like to be a child of divorce, to be neglected, and also what it is to take those experiences and be a loving, devoted step-parent.

My BF made the mistake of telling her (and the kids) about me (I just met him in early Nov). I wanted him to wait until after Christmas. And ideally for at least 3 months before he mentioned anything to his kids or the wife. I feel his personal life is none of their business anyway.

She calls me a "socialite" and his "online hookup" (not quite the way we met - we have a great deal in common because of my background, our upbringing and careers) (but she met her BF via reconnecting on Facebook!) and now that she has seen my flair for gift wrapping his children's gifts (as seen under the tree), calls me a "bitch" and has threatened him via Facebook to keep me away from the kids. BTW, she paid $50 or so to do an online search about me, and only found favorable info that makes her more jealous. (My resume and career support docs are all public).

Clearly, if she knew me, would never feel that way. I am a very nice, sensitive person and would never intentionally cause any friction in her relationship with her kids. I get along very well and in fact like, my husband's 1st wife. (This is my only marriage, by the way.) I also work to remind my BF why she is feeling and acting the way she is, to be gentle, but at the same time, to stand up to her politely and firmly. Also, to never say anything negative, EVER, now or in the future about her to his children. (Been there as a child and it is NOT ideal.)

I told my BF (who loves me very much, btw) that perhaps we should simply avoid one another completely until the holidays are over, until things calm down and if he is still interested, to give me a call. He cried and says he does not want that. I told him, OK< then, with the right attitude and grace, we can handle anything. It is not going to be easy.

Also, the kids seem to have no problem with their mother having a boyfriend, who buys them bday and holiday presents (trying to buy them it seems), but because of the mother, seem to want to hate anyone who makes their father happy. (I am not sure of this, but it appears to be headed that way.)

However, I will not stand for this woman calling me a bitch, ever.

And I told him I will not ever stand for being put in 2nd place ever again behind a former wife. His children come first and always will, but as the woman in his life he is thinking of marrying, his new wife comes first, too, but on another level. (Meaning, kids come first, but do not neglect the adult love relationship.)

(My husband was so afraid of his first wife post the divorce (all in his head), that he took all his hate and anger out on me...the prob, was, as a new, innocent, loving wife, I let him and failed to set boundaries thinking he would get over it and things would improve. Not so. Once a person becomes abusive, it is that much easier to cross the line and get worse. It only escalated from there, hence why I finally left him.)

SO - I am setting boundaries NOW. Letting him know how I desire to be treated and what is not acceptable. I can tolerate and bend a great deal, but I will not subjugate myself ever again to a former wife who bullies her husband who allows it.

What can I do to help him through this Holiday Season? Without meeting the stb ex wife, how can I help her? The kids? The best thing I know is to be myself and to push him away if he fails to deal with the situation in an adult manner.

Any and all advice is appreciated. Many thanks.

Suze

Dont let her get to you..you have met the biggest challenges yet.Winning the kids love!!Bravo!!I know it can be really testing when the x or bm is a b.But now you c..how things may be, you are younge and you have no ties to your bf.He now needs to stick up for you and let this x know that she needs to leave you alone.My bf of 2 years..never stuck up for me.His x hates me and always caused prob.I now have a 8 month old daughter with my bf and that dumb x crossed the line when she brought my daugher in her and my bfs bull arguing.I stick up for me now and my daughet.Its a shit.Its pretty sad when a grown man is afrain to loose his 10 9 yrs old kids protecting his baby and gf.If this is a road your willing to take and can bare the pain.Then stick it out ysister..if not.Run for the hillsYOUr younge.Ans have no ties to this man yet.Sorry to be blunt..but thats the realiy.
Pray on it....God is Love.He will lead you in the right direction.And he will never give you what your soul cant handle.Even if it feels as if you cant handle it.YOU allready are.!!

Reading all these blogs has helped feel I'm not alone. I'm been going thru a lot of the same things. I married my husband 7 years ago. He has an ex and 2 kids 9 and 12. I'd never had a relationship with a man with kids (I don't had kids). On our third date, the first time we were intimate, at his place, we were still in bed and his ex suddenly banged on the door with the two kids and said "I'm going out, here you take them". It was not his night to get them so he was surprised but in come the kids, and out of bed I got and I said hi to them and it was so awkward (the first time I met the kids) so I said a nice goodbye and left for the evening. I felt misgivings about the future of the relationship. And I have felt that since. Even though the kids and I get alone fine. The problem in my head is feeling like I am on the back burner to whatever his ex pulls. I saw an old Eastenders episode the other week: Kate and Phil got married and Phil has possession of the toddler he and Lisa had together, but Lisa was out of the picture but she shows up at the reception. Phil says he is not going on the honeymoon he is staying to fight with Lisa who is probably back to take the child. So Kate's married is one hour old and she is already on the back burner to Phil's domestic crap she did not have anything to do with. So that is me. Always on the back burner to the text messages from my husband's ex. Even though he doesn't like his ex she is a little messed up in the head and has no boundaries. She calls him to fix her car. He complains to me and he sees the boundary is crossed but he does it these things anyway. I have even used my own triple A membership to tow her car when she called stranded. She gave up to the right to him as her handyman when they divorced. She hasn't remarried. She is disorganized and chaotic and is unable to keep a regular visitating schedule, the schedule is "whenever she feels like it". Totally random. I have had a hard time dealing with the chaos, not knowing what was going on from one week to the next. The holidays are the worst. After 7 years of the stress, I am seriously thinking of splitting from my husband. He never made me a priority. Not only that but his ex costs me money from my own paycheck because when she needs bailing out and he bails her out, I have to make up the difference in our household finances. Something doesn't feel right and I wasn't able to actually describe it to myself or to someone else until I saw the Eastenders episode and saw myself. I kept thinking the ex would change and get herself together so we didn't have to hear about her problems but it hasn't changed in 7 years. I dread every time I hear my husbands phone go off with another text message. I think it is time to go. I would appreciate any comments...

I've been with DH 10 years, and the BM Bitch has never changed and still only wants to cause trouble with me and my family.

Get out. You are too young to ruin your life this way. Find someone who doesn't have kids and have some fun!!!

I know it may seem like he is a great guy, but you are so young, you would be better off finding someone who is in your situation: just starting out and getting their life together. It is an incredible burden on you once you are in this position and everyone will expect you to put his kids first. I put myself in this position and I do regret it. I do love my DH but the stress and worry over the issues with blended families is just incredibly exhausting and overwhelming.

WOW, I am so glad to read (as horrible as it is) that I’m not alone, ugh… I have been with my Fiancé now for 3 ½ years. We dating a very short time 16 years ago and found each other again after he separated from his Ex-wife of 9 years of marriage but they had been together off and on since they were in high school. I have never had to deal with disgruntled EXs before. I am good friends with my ex-husbands wife and still really good friends with him as well. I am also still a good friend with one of my ex’s I was with for 10 years as well and ok so far friends with his new gf. So, all of this hostility is not fun with my fiancé’s ex-wife. We had bad words exchanges between us in the past me and the ex-wife. She also pressed false charges against my fiancé for domestic abuse and said he choked her right in front of all of us. We went to court and proved her a liar. She was trying to attack me that day. Anyway, so very understandable he is very distrust worthy of her in every way, on the phone, in person, etc… After all that drama she continued to try and break us apart by calling for no real reason, trying to hug all over him when he would go get his daughter. He at that time had to eat a whole lot of humble pie because the divorce was in full force now and didn’t want to “piss” her off so he could get what he wanted out of the divorce. I became pregnant; she found out and started her rant again she retaliated by putting a false statement in the newspaper stating that her and her new bf were getting married and put that my fiancé’s parents were her parents. (In my opinion that only made her look dumb) IFY: the marriage never happened. She involved anyone and everyone that would listen to her “poor me” rants including his family and friends. She told them all kind of lies about him and me. As a result family and friends became split and strained. Long long story there as well. It became a huge problem in our relationship because he didn’t trust her enough to deal with her on his own or by himself I should say because of the lies she drug him through court with and almost lost his daughter for two years over. Added to that he only had fake support from some of his ex-friends and father because he was feeding to her needs and butting in and causing more problems, as if we didn’t have enough already. I started dealing with her (BIG MISTAKE) don’t ever do that it is their responsibility and baggage not yours to bear. I butted in when it directly affected me or my children. Like the time his daughter had an infestation with head lice (doctors words) for over a year and half. I wrote her a letter stating that something needs to be done about this issue and even gave her tips and websites on how to get rid of the problem. I was not rude or mean in any way I just let her know that the daughter is the one suffering not us. She accused me of harassing HER go figure. I take full responsibility on the fact that my fiance should have done it not me but he didn’t and I was the one left the pick every egg and bug out of her (to her butt) long hair and washing everything in the house to protect us and my kids. Anyway long story short she still wants to be with him and he doesn’t want anything to do with her and I will no longer carry the burden of his ex-wife’s hang ups. I Love him and his daughter very much. Me and his daughter have a very good relationship which is another thing she can’t stand because her son is her first priority not her daughter and she feels loved when she is with us not left out. But all in all it makes me feel better that I can go somewhere and read things that are a lot similar to what I am going though and that I am not alone. I sugar coating a lot in this short tell it's a lot more viscous then i let on. Thank you all for sharing your stories……
Manda anger towards the ex-wife

I have been w/ my BF for the past 2.5 years. His ex-wife (divorce was finalized in July after a 3 year separation) is a nightmare. She is super manipulative, bitter and relentless. Just a side note - our relationship is 100% legit -- nothing ever happened before he was separated. Everyone from his life that I meet says the same thing about her - she is a mess with a miserable face. She tells her kids (college age) terrible things about both of us, and always emails my BF statements like "the boys know about your actions". As if she gets pleasure out of poisoning them. The kids are great - mostly because they are old enough to realize how ridiculous all of this is, but it really takes a toll. She is a hoarder and holds his last remaining items in the house hostage. He even had to get a police escort to get the last of his personal items from the house before it sold. The worst part is that she has this hideous bitter friend who constantly eggs the Ex-wife on. My car has been keyed, my office vandalized, prank phone calls, "anonymous" letters --- you name it, she has done it. I almost wonder how far she will take things. My friends think she will calm down a bit after she meets a new man. But to be honest, I can't imagine any man wanting her. She is bitter, and the bitterness has made her incredibly ugly inside and out. I saw her profile on j-date and she mentions multiple times about how she wants to "share tears" with her new partner. Really unappealing. It's really difficult for me not to get a knot in my stomach over her antics. I try not to take it out on my BF as he is the one who really needs to deal with her - but she goes so far as to not make tuition payments, etc for the kids because she wants my BF to suffer and pay more than his share.

The biggest challenge is that she is extremely manipulative. She cries, gabs to anyone who will listen and plays the victim role very well. I know the best avenue to take is to rise above it all, but can someone actually shut off the emotion and pretend nothing is going on?

Today I was looking for info on how to deal with vengeful/manipulative x-wives and this site had some interesting comments. It's odd that there's none newer than Jan 2010 - - it'd be great if that meant there's only ONE horrible X left out there! My hubby & I have just faced the worst of the worst (at least to us) in that yesterday his X finally coerced the youngest 13y/o into turning against his father and refusing to come home for visitation. EvilX told him that he didn't have to go and that his dad would have to go to court to force him. The oldest identifies strongly with her and is very manipulative also - he's 15... has refused to come for visitation for a year and before that ran away, tried to pull the steering wheel & cause a wreck in the car on the way back home, etc.. Once, he threw himself on the ground screaming "don't hit me again" VERY loudly so neighbors could hear and then texted his mom - - so she called human services (DHR) and they sent someone and a policeman. Fortunately, since NOTHING had occurred and the kid was a KID, the policeman basically gave my hubby instructions on how to "acceptably" apply corporal punishment if needed in front of the kid. DHR wrote up the incident but it was not negative. The evilX tried to use it in court but was unsuccessful. The younger child has been wonderful to know and have for a year and a half until 2 weeks ago. His personality began to sour. We NEVER disparage his mom and make it a point not to discuss divorce-things. We focus on character, work ethic, family time. The evilX over-schedules, allows TV, video games & friends at every empty moment unless she's involved them in every sports activity available at the moment. Even when we had visitation, it was mostly hubby going to be a taxi or getting pressure to do "fun stuff" or "buy me this or that". The parenting strategy was in complete opposition since their birth and it's not changed. It is evident that she has poisoned their minds against us and has continued that with lies for even longer than we expected. The oldest finally issued an ultimatum - we don't see you unless you change... that in translation - - until "she" (that's me) is gone. When asked if "she" ever did anything to them, the reply is "no".... "well - except ruined our family". I was not the cause of their father leaving their mother. He'd left her twice before years before we ever met. Again, the 15y/o says "he KNOWS different and he KNOWS the truth". Frankly, they know very little about their parent's marriage and that's the way it should be... it's a personal-adult relationship. Telling them anything about her isn't a win for us - so we don't. She previously had abortion, lost custody of 2 other children - but had a change of heart and eventually got them back, had one child with my hubby now and then accused him multiple times of "attempted murder by forcing her to have their 2nd child" because she didn't want him - - and now it seems as if everyone and she thinks she's MommyOfTheYear! It's infuriating. The legal system has done nothing but drive us to financial ruin.

What do we do when we run out of money to fight? It seems as if she is continually rewarded for lying about everything. We've gotten snippets that "mom doesn't have enough money" and "mom has to do everything by herself"... We have to provide her over $60k a year in support! She finally got a job but whines about having to be away from her little ones... Seriously! 13 & 15! Many years ago a psychologist warned hubby that she had traits of "cluster b disorders" and we have educated ourselves on these things. She is described to perfection by 3 of the areas. Judges don't care. They say it's all about the best interest of the children but they don't keep current on what the "best interest" might entail. Invisible wounds to the kids don't count. Just the visible ones.

We feel she's had a plan for parental alienation from the start and it's finally taken hold. We are fighting for the visitation now but at this point we will have to "force" the kids and we expect that will be a nightmare. We don't want to damage them by that but we feel they are being damaged by just "being with her 24/7" now. It's a horrible no-win situation for them. Does anyone have any advice that could help alleviate any of this? We don't want to lose being part of the children's lives. They exhibit horribly entitled attitudes and are getting worse by the month.... some of the reasons to not visit again was that "we aren't fun enough", "we don't eat out enough", "we expect them to work with us", "we live too far away & they can't get to their friends and life" and the personal favorite - "we don't know how to be good parents because we won't listen to what they need and the needs of kids comes first". Amazing - someone 15 with no life experience at all has that kind of insight! He's great at quoting law about what we CAN'T do too.

We feel they need some balance and some life skills - - how will they cope if something doesn't go their way in life? It's bound to happen. Right now they scream, sulk, threaten, run away and demand. It works at evilX's house. Not so tolerated here. We don't feel it's right to give in to them. BTW, we live about 20 minutes w/traffic away.... appx 10 miles. Not exactly a lifetime removed from their surroundings.

I've had 0 communication with the evilX. I don't want to engage her because I think reason isn't an option with her. It never has been.

Thanks to anyone with an experience or idea that helped.

I have been with my DH for 3 years and it does NOT get easier! If I could do it all over again, I would never be with a man with kids (I am 26 with no kids). It’s not worth it. The baggage and the problems will never go away. You are even younger than I am, so you can definitely find someone without all that baggage. You don’t want to deal with it for the rest of your life.
If you choose to stay (I’m assuming you will because I didn’t listen to what anyone told me either), I do have some advice. Your BF has GOT to stand up to his ex. We teach people how to treat us. When DH and I first got together, he was such a punk when it came to his ex. He would keep SD extra days, BM would call/text all day long for stupid crap that has nothing to do with SD, she would write me messages online threatening me.. all kinds of bs. Now DH’s mother deals with her most of the time so we don’t have to. Your BF has to stop letting her walk all over you 2 or it will never end.

It maybe an old thread but it shows I'm not the only person suffering. My journey of being divorced is just starting. My exwife left me four days before Christmas without any warning, while I was at work. I later discovered she was having an affair.
All of sudden divorce papers are through and it is full of lies. This person I once cared for and loved is now destroying me with her vicious lies. They are eating away at my soul.
To top it off she is trying to prevent me from seeing our two girls. Obviously it's easier with me out of the picture to be with guy she left me for.
Honestly he is welcome to her but please stop the lies.
I've tried to keep it short and sweet otherwise my personal ordeal could be made into a film.

My husband has a crazy ex that will stop at nothing for 2 things...money and to break us up. We saw a marriage counselor and she informed us that eventually she would break us up and the only way to protect our marriage was to put up a huge wall, which meant actually blocking her from calling, texting, or emailing. She was to only contact us for an emergency regarding the children by calling his sister. That has stopped a lot of the drama!

I have been married a year. I go through the same thing with my husband's ex. When she has a boyfriend things are great, she stays out of our business. She doesn't blow up his phone "checking on the kids" or "asking if the kids done their homework" or "if we packed their lunch for a picnic" I think I know how to raise children I have been doing for ten years now, and my daughter is an all-star student at her school. She is a 5th grader reading at a 7th grade level so I know what I'm doing. Anyways, then when my husband tells her yeah, we have it handled she flies off the handle cussing him, and be so disrespectful toward him, like she is using him as a punching bag like it is his fault that her life is the way it is. I just want to tell her get over it b*tc* if you quit dating loser you could find a nice guy that wouldn't use. Anyways I know that she is going to be in our lives and will call to ask about the kids which doesn't bother me, what drives me nuts is the fact that she calls our house or texts my husband and cuss him up one wall or down the other like he is lower than dog crap. I have told her that if she can't talk to him like a human being than don't call his phone or text his phone and she keeps on I will block her number. She didn't like that she said that I was trying to keep her from having communication from her kids, I said no you can call anytime you want, just stop cuss my husband.

Good luck to you sweetheart!!

I haven't gotten through all of this...but...still reading.

I need to get this out to someone who ISN'T involved.

My husband's ex-wife has been a problem for me the past 7 years. Before we were ever married and now after. I'm 42, and this is my first marriage, we got married two years ago, but have been together that long.

She is the one who left him, and we believe she was cheating, but have no real proof, just real glaring 'coincidences'. I could really care less what happened. In my eyes, they BOTH played a part in their demise.

Anyway, the two of them are constantly bitching at and verbally abusing each other, and when she is really pissed at him she starts pulling below the belt punches at me. I looked things up, and she is abusive. One time she had me so upset I called the police because she would not stop attacking me via texts, and I asked her to stop but she would not. She exhibits EXTREME hypocrisy about everything.

Okay, a LOT of you are saying the ex must be bipolar. Or have borderline personality disorder. Well, she probably does. But I DO HAVE THOSE TWO CONDITIONS along with severe anxiety. I have spent my whole life trying to treat this stuff, but nothing seems to really make me feel very much better. I have had to quit working, and to avoid social interactions for the time being.

I am constantly hearing what she says about me to him...and I deserve to know I believe. She used to just call me stupid, unintelligent, make herself superior and boss me around, but it has progressed to me being a bad parent to MY biological daughter, total bull, and all in my family will say that is bull.

NOW, she is telling him I'm a whore, I don't contribute to society because I have very serious emotional and mental conditions that keep me in the house constantly. I never talk to her, I never get the chance to defend myself. These things, they are making me actually feel somewhat suicidal, and I feel like walking out on him, her AND their kids.

Because I can't understand why if I'm so bad she would allow her two sons to be home alone with me. And, this is killing me emotionally. I literally was beside myself last night with anxiety. I can't stand it...I'm tired of feeling terrible over things someone won't even say to my face but totally are saying this behind my back and telling me to NEVER TEXT HER AGAIN. YOU'RE STUPID when I tried to say hey, I'm not the bad guy. It was never my fight. I don't know what to do. My husband says if I leave, she wins, but I can't really take the emotions it leaves me with. She causes me severe anxiety and makes me feel like a piece of shit BECAUSE of the conditions I have. One day I'm really afraid I won't be here anymore. I feel like I have no recourse, no friends and I'm mad at the both of them...husband included because she starts it after he is being a total jerk. But she's a jerk too...they both are being ridiculous.

Feeling totally helpless...and that so much damage has been done to me. I feel that I'm the collaterally damaged one...they seem to enjoy going at each other.