Help Me Please
I'm lost and not sure where to go from here. I've been married for 10 months now and was dating for 2 years prior. I have (2) grown and out the house kids. My Wife has (3) adopted children (Ages 20,9,7) and (1) additional god child (age 1) that live with us. The 20 year old is currently away at college and pregnant, however once she have the baby she would like to return to college 4 hours away and the bew born will be left with us to raise.
My wife and I both work full time jobs 8a-5p. Each mornings, she iron the kids clothes and I take them to school. I then pick them up after school and bring them to my job to save money on the after school fees. I also, take them to gymnastics 2-3 times a week after work. Once we get home I cook 99% of the time and make sure bathes are done and the kids are in the bed on time. When she get home she immediately goes up stairs, get on her ipad, turn the tv on, and get in the bed. She eat dinner in the bed while multi tasking in leisure entertainment.
Not to further mention that I'm in school online full time. I will so overwhelmed. I don't feel like (as a step parent) I need to be the only one cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, disciplining the kids and making sure the house run smoothly. She let the kids run wild and I'm used to that. I'm from the military and I believe that children should be well mannered. Most of the time, I feel like she married me to raise her children. Further, I like to sleep with the tv off, she must sleep with the tv on. Not only that we must watch what she want to watch (totally different from what I like to watch). I'm very OCD and want the carpets to stay as clean as possible so I ask that EVERYONE remove their shoes at the front door upon entering. She has yet to take off her shoes even after I ask her to.
I'm becoming so frustrated, wore out and tired. I don't feel appreciated. A big part of me want to leave and go rent me a place to live although I have a house that I'm purchasing. I'm not sure how much more I can take of this situation.
Advice Please.....
I believe you hit the nail on
I believe you hit the nail on the head here, anotherstep2. The wife has already checked out. Anything the OP does allows her to continue to use him as babysitter, chauffeur, bill payer, etc.
OP, time to save yourself.
I'm sorry, but what are YOU
I'm sorry, but what are YOU getting out of the relationship? It does sound awful one sided to me. Was the dynamic similar to this when you were dating or did it just naturally shift over after you got married?
One thing I would do for SURE is make sure you don't have a baby with this lady..lol. You don't need another kid to take care of with that crew.
Have you told her how you feel? If she truly won't pull her share of the load and won't stand for any compromise, I am not sure you have the relationship you thought you did. On a side note.. I sleep with eye shades sometimes and you can also get earplugs which could mitigate the sound and light of the TV. Not sure why she can't watch tv in the living room and come to bed when she is tired though.. she doesn't seem particularly flexible.
That is the sad point in all
That is the sad point in all of this, I don't see anything beneficial to me. She seemed a little more flexible or maybe I just had my blinders on while dating. But know that I have said I do, she has went into vacation mood. I'm trying so hard to make this work, provide and further my career but I can't quite figure out how to make this work in this environment. I feel married but so ALONE.
If you married her.. you
If you married her.. you should be able to have a straight up honest conversation with her about how you feel. Ask her for her suggestions of how things can work going forward so that you both benefit. If she won't have a civil conversation about this, and you aren't getting your needs met in this relationship, I would get out before you get too much further in. It will only be that much worse on the kids the longer you are the most stable influence in their lives and then you up and leave years down the road. If she won't play ball.. rip the band-aid off now and let her go on with her children in their own separate lives.
I agree and we have had
I agree and we have had several talks about my feelings and she try to turn the tables around and say that all I do is complain, try to be controlling, and have a negative outlook. It's really not that for me its frustration more than anything. I try to remind myself that the kids didn't come with home training and they are only doing what they see their mother doing. But my running statement is your maid service didn't show up today.
It has gotten to the point
It has gotten to the point where lately I have begun to go on strike. I come home and dinner is whatever you can find yourself to eat. I stopped cleaning and didn't open up my mouth to correct nor discipline anyone just to see if she would get up and do something. She did NOTHING. Instead, she called the kids every 5 minutes running them up and down the stairs to do stuff for her. It's getting crazy. However, I found myself getting sickier by the day coming home to a disorganized house. My OCD got the best of me.
^^Yep. Get a divorce.
^^Yep. Get a divorce. Frankly, I don't see what you're getting out of this relationship besides stress. I also have OCD and this would be intolerable.
I have tried to talk very
I have tried to talk very openly with her about my OCD and she just brush it off with her famous statement "it's your problem, go get some help". I feel like that's her way of justifying her lack of maintaining a house in a clean state. My household policies are very simple: If you turn the light on, turn it off when you are done. If you mess up, clean up behind yourself. How difficult can that be?
Depending on the age of the
Depending on the age of the kids and prior expectations and experience.. that actually could be kindof hard.
I want to be neat.. but I am not really.. shameful.. and wish I could do better, but it is what it is. I would rather have a happy home with a little dust and dirt than one where the kids couldn't be themselves (or me.. I have horses and chickens(or did) and dogs etc).
I think you need to separate the OCD issue from the basic issue that if you live in a household you should be contributing to it in some way. The kids depending on age should be able to do age appropriate chores and limit their "messes" and clean up after themselves. They should know to turn lights off and close the door to not "aircondition the whole outdoors".. as my parents said.
They will have varying levels of success depending on how much they can do and how much has been expected of them in the past. Your wife needs to help make her kids act accountable and if she won't do that .. that's a problem.
It's not OCD to ask someone to turn off the light. It's not OCD to expect them to make their bed. Then again, if your idea of "clean" is operating room level.. that may be too OCD level for them and THAT isn't their fault if they can't clean to your standards.
The way I see it, my husband doesn't clean or do things the way I would (ie all laundry is thrown in together.. and he loads the dish washer "wrong".) BUT when he is doing these things, I try to bite my tongue and let him just do it. Now, I try to do my own laundry so the ruination of my garments is at a minimum but if he is making the effort i don't discourage him by bitching at him.
For example, my Ex was more the OCD type and he was always telling me I was doing things wrong.. I was picking up the board wrong when I was helping him.. cleaning the counter "wrong".. etc.. Finally I told him if I am gonna get bitched at for doing it wrong and bitched at for not doing it at all.. I'm gonna take the lazy way out and get bitched at for doing nothing.. less effort and same result.
Thank you for the reply and I
Thank you for the reply and I agree the OCD is not the bigger issue. My biggest issue is teamwork. We are all tired from a long day at work and school however all of the duties and responsibilities should fall on me. There is never a helping hand from her if I'm sick, got college homework due, or just want to have a lazy moment myself. I guess in all of this I wanted and expected a mate / partner. I didn't expect to be signing up to become a full time live in maid service / nanny.
Well, you CAN get some help
Well, you CAN get some help for OCD. However, she's only saying that to be bitchy.
I have rituals. OCD rituals. The more stressed I am, the more rituals I have. When I'm not so stressed, I don't NEED all of those rituals. When things are out of control, I need the comfort of those rituals because they give me control over other things. Which, to most, makes absolutely no sense because that means I'm out of control trying to control things that don't need control... Yeah.
If you are going to stay, you need to take care of you and your MENTAL health. Narrow your focus to YOU. Disengage from the kids; disengage from your wife. Do not do anything for anyone other than yourself. They are her children, they are her responsibility, and it's about bloody time she got off of her arse to take care of them. After all, if you're not in the picture, she will HAVE to do this. To maintain some sanity, you may need to be out of the house. WTH, be out of the house IN THERAPY. Go back to the house and go to bed. Get up in the morning, do what you need to do to get ready, and LEAVE. Do nothing for your wife; do nothing for the skids.
To be blunt, it sounds like you're heading for divorce.
I just talked to her on the
I just talked to her on the phone, literally in tears due to the frustration that is so built up inside of me and tired to explain to her that I needed to pack a bag and get away for a couple of days. Her response as I anticipated so so cold and uncaring. She told me to "go and do whatever I needed to do and be with whoever I needed to be with". So heartbreaking for me. For once I just want for her to care about my feelings and she doesn't. It has never been about anyone else.
But yes, as hard as it is for me to walk away even for a moment I know that it is neccessary for me to refocus on me. Gain the strength, knowledge and self healing needed to be a better person.
Hon, she has already moved on
Hon, she has already moved on mentally. Time to put yourself first and take care of YOU.
There's a few similarities to
There's a few similarities to the situation of someone I know.
Wiping butts and having no help while someone is being lazy doesn't last very long .
I guess my only suggestion is to step back awhile and see what your head tells you with a few days away.
Just tell your significant other you'd like to go on a peaceful vaca bc you're stressed out.
While gone think about the plan you want to happen.
Come back with that plan as a family meeting.
That's the only opinion I have . I hope you find a resolution to your issue
Thank you for your help. I
Thank you for your help. I have actually decided to have a talk with her tonight when I get home and pack up a few clothes and leave effective tonight for a while. I know have to determine how much assistance I want to provide to her. A part of me want to leave them in after school care (and let her figure out the bill), she be responsible for dropping them off in the mornings and their total overall care. I feel like this is the only way that she will see and appreciate all of the HARD WORK that I invest into this family.
Perhaps there will not be any progress without hardwork attached to it.
I hate to say it, but she is
I hate to say it, but she is extremely unlikely to change. You feel like you would like her to "see" and appreciate your hard work, but really, she won't. She has already shown you that in about a thousand ways. Yes, it would be great if she changed, but you have no control over that in any way.
Remember what the great Maya Angelou once said, "When people show you who they are, believe them." She has shown you, and now you may have to accept that reality and take care of yourself. I totally get how hard it is to do that-giving up on what you thought it would be, and it hurts. But you are already hurting! Maybe it's time to look the situation right in the face and decide if this is how you want your life to be, because only YOU can change your circumstance. And, no freaking way in hell would I raise her grandchild for her.
Sorry this is so difficult - I really believe you would be better off making a clean break, as difficult as that will be too. And, it has nothing to do with OCD in my opinion. Good luck.
Pixie, I so agree with you
Pixie,
I so agree with you and I couldn't help but to smile because that quote is one of my all time favorite ones that I tell others about. I just didn't remind myself of it at any point. I must accept my decisions to have married her and now I must equally accept our failures. I keep saying to myself "but what if she changes" however I realize that I'm just setting myself up for failure and false hopes. She has gotten way to comfortable and this didn't just began today and her ways most likely will not change tomorrow. I'm leaving tonight to began my healing process and self preservation.
Good Lord, I'd get myself out
Good Lord, I'd get myself out of this whole situation ASAP!