Having a very bad time
Me again!
I'm so fed up and this seems to be the only place where people are in similar situations and can offer some advice and support without judging.
My SS is quite frankly an asshole. For the 9 years me and his dad have been together he has been nothing but disrespectful towards me. He point blank ignores me or speaks to me when he's told, lies about me and is just a general dick.
He has massive jealousy issues, no one is allowed near his dad. Including his own brother and sister. Part of the reason my DH doesn't now see his other 2 children is down to him because he requires all of his attention and they got pushed out.
I've said to my DH numerous times over the years that things need sorting between me and him and I need his support or it will get out of hand but nothing. He always sides with him and argues with me. So my SS who is 13 knows he can cause a rift. I honestly think his thinking is now that he's got rid of his brother and sister so now it's my turn.
2 weeks ago we all went out for the day, which I invited him to come on. I had to have a word with him because he was putting alot of things on snap chat and tagging his sister in it to rub it into her that she wasn't there because she isn't talking to us. I told him that was wrong. I wasn't nasty. I also had a bit of a joke with him over a photo which I also dos with my own 2 kids. This week he's messaged his dad saying I was really mean and he doesn't want to come anymore because of this. My husband hasn't spoken to me for 2 days since that text! We had it out last night and I told him how I felt and he told me i had to make more effort and apparently told him the same. He's text this morning saying he won't be coming today because he doesn't believe I will make an effort. He's not even giving me a chance!! I honestly couldn't care less if I never lay eyes on the kid again but I do it because my husband wants me to and I would hate for my children to have this crap relationship with him. I think that text is really manipulative and again blaming me and causing issues between me and my husband when I haven't even done anything.
What do I do? Do I give in and let him be taken out every week and me be out of the picture so he can have his dad to himself? I've put up with it for 9 years because we are supposed to be a family and for me that's like admitting I'm evil and I'm the problem when I'm not.
You realize that the problem
You realize that the problem isn't your SS, it's your DuH. He's the one who's setting is son above all others (to the point of cutting off his other 2 kids? Who does that?!) and if things haven't changed (I bet they have, I bet they have gotten worse) over the last 9 years they're not going to get better now. Why do you put up with this treatment by your husband? Are you prepared to live the rest of your life like this or do you want better? How do you envision your life in 5 years time?
I don't think I could stand the level of disrespect you're getting from your partner ... because putting you on the same level ("he told me i had to make more effort and apparently told him the same") or lower than a 13 yo is totally disrespecting you.
Have you considered counselling or does your husband think that you're the only one with a problem?
I think he's going to be a very lonely old man ...
You have a major DH Problem.
If DH is putting his DS over me this way. The marriage is over. The marriage vows, love, respect . Cherish. He's failing at them. Time to have the talk, putting your foot down. You are not on the same level as SS. You require to have adult time. A adult wekend every second or third weekend. Could be a movie, and something after. Christmas fair. Weekend away. Nice hotel.
'OR else. Divorce,,
YEP...Major DH Problem
Who the hell lets a 13 year old dictate visitation with these ridiculous demands? I'm sorry but with what your DH is doing, you may need to really look at this relationship for what it is....and that's not much. He's made his son a mini-wife. SMH
If you think your marriage can survive this horrid breach of trust, then let your DH see that kid away from your home and you completely disengage from him. I raised 2 kids. Neither would have pulled that crap before their parents divorced NOR AFTER. SMH. Again, you have a DH problem.
How did SS manage to alienate
How did SS manage to alienate his siblings?
Yeah, i wondered about that
Yeah, i wondered about that one, too.
Hes not fully to blame but
Hes not fully to blame but has a massive role to play. He would never let my husband have anything to do with the others unless he was involved. No hugs, no games, not even sitting next to him. Petty little things really but always causing a rift. Then he would go home and go on and on about how he was 'dad's favourite' and he could prove it by these little actions and it got in the others heads. I pulled my husband up on it so many times and told him he needed to make time for the other 2 without him interfering like he did for him without them but it fell on deaf ears.
Quit making excuses for this shit child.
The kid is a brat. No excuses that it isn't his fault. At some level, it is the kid's choice to behave this way and that... is the the kid's own choice and the kid's own fault.
IMHO
Your shit husband is a separate and much bigger issue.
We live in a mad society
We live in a mad society where adults are treated like helpless kids with underdeveloped brains, whilst kids are treated like fully-fledged adults and in this case, a devious mastermind.
This pre-teen boy, no matter how much of a brat he might be, did not cause a rift in your family. This pre-teen boy did not stop your husband from seeing his other kids. This preteen boy is not stopping your husband from speaking to you.
Your SS is the one with the brain who's not fully developed yet, whilst your husband is the adult with the fully developed brain (supposedly). Who do you think is more to blame here, then?
Look around you and acknowledge reality.
It's true, that it's not her
It's true, that it's not her SS's behavior that's the problem but her husband's allowing and catering to it. A lot of bioparents who are not with their BM/BDs unwittingly "train" their kids to act like little monsters. Naming the true problem is the first step toward resolution, but it is still very difficult for the stepparent to live in such conditions. Instead of making the stepparent feel like shite for their feelings (stepparents are often made to feel as though having normal feelings makes them a bad person, which is also unhelpful), i try to help them see who their real enemy is, the one who swore to be a life partner to them but puts their selfish needs to win or be seen as the best parent ever, above that promise. ETA and that "mad society" literally only exists on this site, as a reaction to the true madness, child-centric adults who both spoil and neglect their kids at the same time.
Your SS may be a brat, but it
Your SS may be a brat, but it's your husband who is ultimately responsible for this situation. He allows the behavior.
You have a DH problem.
You have a DH problem.
What does BM say about all this?
Does this skid act this way at school? Or just at your home.
DH is putting SS
Before you, he letting SS disrespect you. You are the adult. It's your home. Your marriage is over ,,sorry to say. If DH isn't coming home over this nonsense. There no hope. Tell DH to take SS and get out. He has another failed marriage. There is something radical wrong with DH.
The problem may seem like it
The problem may seem like it's your SS but really he only gets the assist. He's being enabled by your DH and at the cost of his two other children and your marriage. Nothing will change until your DH changes.