ok...the stuff you're talking about (other than the obvious emotionally distressed things like the chair throwing and attacking the principal) are totally normal for an 11 year old. Even your own son will be this way when he's 11 and it gets worse as they mature into teens.

Perhaps if these are the things that are bothering you so much, you'd be well suited in taking some parenting seminars about normal child behaviors and attitudes. So basically, you tried to bond with him for a little while then shut him out for normal 11 yr old behavior and a "know it all" attitude? This doesn't make sense to me.

At the beginning you were trying to bond with a child who wasn't ready for any kind of bonding. He probably still isn't in a healthy enough state to deal with what he has been put through but you're ready to cast him to the side and basically wait til it's time to toss him out at 18.

Remind yourself that you're talking about an eleven year old child, abandoned by his mother, neglected by the "dad" that he knew,hit by mom's boyfriend...taken from his home and placed with strangers who hate him. Hmm, he's probably ready to be out on his own when he's 18 as well if this is what the adults in his life have shown him in his short eleven years.

I'd like to have pity for you, but I have more pity for this child. I'm sorry. I really don't have anything else to say without sounding like a jerk. Forgive me.

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

That kind of parenting only works with some children. This kid sounds exactly like my SS. The "militant" parenting would only drive this kid to become more angry (Im not saying give the boy whatever he wants and don't punish him, but going to this extreme with such an angry child may make it worse). This kid is holding alot of anger and needs counseling. I know its expensive, because we are paying for counseling now, but if it could help the child, its well worth it, it sounds like he needs it.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

I also agree that you need to re-establish SS's place in the family.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

What kinds of evaluations have you had on him? The biting and throwing chairs are more extreme, yes, but the butting-in and know-it-all attitudes aren't that out of the norm, in my opinion, especially considering his background you've described.

Blinkie....
I'm sorry, but wake up. Kids today have not been raised the same way we were.
They have been raised to do what they want, when they want with pretty much little or no consequenses.
The only thing you can do for this kid is work with him and try to understand what he has been through.
He bit his mother? Well, we all know that is wrong. But what kind of damage did she do to him to make him do such a thing to her?
Just step outside the box for a bit and look at the situation as we are.
Think about your situation as someone elses and what would you say to them if they were expressing these problems and concerns.
No matter how bad the child is, they need love too. And constantly pushing them away only makes the situation worse.
I know counseling is expensive. My FH and I are going through that right now, but in the end it is oh so worth every penny when you gain the tools and resources to help you and your family deal with the problems that are occouring right now.
Just give the kid a chance and realize he's been through a lot and he needs the love and structure your house brings.
It is hard, it will be hard. But nothing in this world comes easy.

No one said you were evil. Sorry you took it that way. My whole point is he is a CHILD and he needs structure,guidance and a stable home environment. Not a bunch of people surrounding him with anger and tension to add to what he has already been through.

If he's worried about adult matters it's probably because he's anxious about when he is going to be shoved off to the next home or shoved off because of another divorce or other "adult" matters that have obviously tainted his life thus far...if I were him, I'd be overly concerned with adult matters as well to look out for myself as no one else seems interested in doing so effectively without throwing out a vibe of, "when will you be 18" It's an anxiety issue.

Who gave you an angry response?? When you post to the public, not everyone will agree with how you're handling things especially because we don't know you and don't know all your details. You posted info, I gave you an opinion.

It isn't helpful to shut out those with a different opinion from your own. I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation though...it's obvious you weren't prepared to take on such a damaged boy. Hopefully you get the support you need from your husband and you get through this.

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

SS8 in my household listens to everything and puts his two cents in. Even if I think he's not listening he still is. That's what some kids do.

You were raised to be respectful, and stay out of adult convos, but was he?

It sounds like he's had an unstable household to live in, with or without rules to live by. Completly turning around an 11 year old who has never had consequences is hard, but not impossible.

I hope for your sake a light goes off in his little head! And I'm sorry if any of my responses seemed angry or aggressive. I do feel for you and your situation completely.

I just get riled up about these kinds of issues because I was raised the same way as you. It infuriates me that there are so many of these kids out there. The adults in their lives, moms & dads, do them a huge injustice by the way they handle things when there is a split up or divorce.

I have a hard time swallowing that these kids more than likely will not be able to be productive in society, happy with their lives, and off antidepressants. These children are our future and look at how they are acting at such young ages. It is scary!!!!

Again, I hope you didn't take my responses as angry toward you - I'm just angry these kids are this point at such a young age. Robbed of their childhoods because the adults!

Ok, so are you willing to try to help this boy at all? He is just 11 years old, and as someone said above, he's certainly not beyond help at only 11. This CAN be turned around with enough love and support and guidance.

Right. Children should have respect for their parents. Exactly.
But what we're trying to say is, it sounds like he was not raised this way. That's not your fault. That's not his fault.
It will take time to break him of this. Time and patience.
The reason he only cares for himself and wants a pity party is more than likely because his BM treated him that way and that is what he's used to.
Nothing changes overnight. He's going to need lots of structure and guidance. That's all there is to it.
You could be his hero and give him a better life then he ever had with BM. It is just going to take patience. Kids are stressfull. I know.
My SS's BW really messed him up. I get aggrivated with him too. But, I then realize, he needs help. Not the feeling of being unwanted.
Show him some love and understanding. But be firm.
Things will change eventually.

While both of you feel this way, he IS 11 and probably hasn't had this rule implemented his entire life. It's going to take time for him to adjust to his new house and he's going to fight back. You guys have to stay strong, and he needs structure.

You said he forgot to do his chores. Does he still do them, or after he forgot was it just dropped all together? If he forgot, then he doesn't get paid, but that doesn't mean the whole thing should be called off.

The main goal of children IMO is to raise them to be productive members of society.

I completely understand how you feel. My SS pulls the same crap, BUT before he came to live with us, his life was completely different and it takes some time to get used to. His life was completely unstable, BM and her boyfriend were alcoholics and fist fought every day, SS was neglected (no showers, didn't brush his teeth, had clothes that didn't fit). A month or 2 of therapy isn't going to help. It took a looonnnggg time for SS to even open up to his counseler. Now that he is actually getting in there and talking about his feelings, he seems to be getting better, he also is able to control his anger. I really think you should keep him in therapy, again, I know its expensive but he really sounds like he needs it. Actually, it sounds like family therapy wouldn't hurt either (which my family is in as well). You and your DH need to set boundaries and DH needs to stand by them.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

StepChicka and Wicked hit the nail on the head below.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

Maybe BM should pay child support. And maybe your DH should talk to her about how unhealthy this is for him.

You're saying on here that you "just want him to leave you alone" that's not a positive outlook on the situation, and if you're projecting these feelings toward him he's not going to feel safe and stable at your house.

I feel sorry for him too, he's been abandoned, now he's in a house where no one likes him. He needs love and support, not an "I can't wait til he's gone" attitude.

I may come off aggressive bc I have a 7yr old son with emotional problems. I'd hate it if his future SM gave up on him or thought of giving up on him. As a mother I sympathize deeply with the child and it overrides my pity for the adults a lot.

It's hard to separate the child from the mother. I get that way with my SD and her mother. Her mother is TheFrizz and SD is MiniFrizz.

I can't understand why women just cast their children off and never think twice about it. It's possible though maybe she felt she wasn't doing right by him and feels you guys can work with him better than she could. She could be one of those insecure people who feels their child is better off with a real family like yours...the mom(you) the dad(DH) and younger brother. Another reason for her avoiding the issue and acting normal could be because she might really be ashamed of her choices deep down but she's too selfish to change it.

I'm sure a lot of your issue with this whole thing is also because devoting so much time to fixing your SS is probably taking away from the time you give your son. But it's just one of those things that happens in these situations. You can disengage from SS and let DH handle him and focus on your son. OR you can be stubborn about this whole thing and keep working with him til he has improved,raise your son at the same time and end up with TWO really great men as sons who credit you with the good things in their life.

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

Agreed.

Blinkie - I understand your feelings and they are valid, but Wicked is right, a year to an adult in a stable life is very different than a year for a child whose life has been turbulent.

When dh and I first got 50/50 custody of Creature we thought things would improve, but we talked to a forensic psychologist involved in our case about 6 months later and here is what he told us "To you 6 months of stability is a great thing and you see that the tides have turned, but to Creature, she is still waiting for the next change. In two years, we had 5 different custody schedules. As a little kid, she had no other frame of reference and no idea that this would be the last change". A year to an eleven year old is 1/11ths of his life to you it is 1/30(depending on your age). It isn't just math, it is a complete definition of how you view life. If you're allowed to butt into adult conversations for 11 years, then that is what you know. Only structure and consistency can change it. Come up with rules and consequences and stick to them.

I don't particularly like Creature (SD51/2) but I respect her place in my home and in my dh's life. This little boy doesn't seem to have a sense of "family". He is fending for himself. Your dh needs to let him know that he is safe and loved and that you're not bailing on him. His whole life is people trying to get rid of him or mistreating him. He's living in fight or flight mode. I do understand your frustration. I live it everyday and I am not good at faking feelings for Creature, but she gets so much love from her dad. It sounds like he is a stranger to his dad too. He probably senses no one wants him and he's lashing out because he didn't choose this either.

"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"

Free counseling services may be available in your area. There are also counseling centers that provide a sliding scale for services to low-income families. Other counseling resources include local Christian centers. Do a google search and start with "free counseling services in (your city)" I just tried this to see if there was anything out there and it looks like there are some opportunities. Keep this boy in counseling it sounds like he really needs the help!