I went looking for a website with stepparenting support…the word “vent” got my attention because that’s what I really need to do first. I read a few posts in the “Blended Family” forum and think I’ve found a new home!

Well, here’s the long version…. Seven years ago I met my wife. She was divorced, living with her parents, and had a 3 year old boy. The ex was in touch once in awhile – maybe every three months or so. I could tell the kid was a bit of a brat, but right away I saw that she needed to tighten up a bit – he ran the show. As the three of us started to spend more “dates” together, I found I needed to set some boundaries with this kid or I was going to get run over. As the woman and I got serious, we talked a lot about parenting. It was deceiving because we tended to agree on most things but I was the only one that really carried anything out. She coddled this kid big time because he exhibited a lot of what you would call “social anxiety”. He clung to her like nothing I’d ever seen. He had to physically be touching her whenever they were in the same room together. And to top it off, he was addicted to sympathy. He thrived on it…lived for it…did anything to get it – especially from her. Me? Not much sympathy. Anyway, I figured he’d grow out of it. We got married in a year. He started calling me Dad – by choice – the day we got married. I’m a Christian. This whole thing seems to make sense – God’s plan – like I was put in this situation to make a difference - to be a Dad to someone who needed it. The BD gave up rights shortly after and I adopted him. He is completely out of the picture.

Seven years later….my wife and I have three children together. My SS loves all of them – he’s great with them. Me and him? Well, let me sum up the last seven years with a few of the major details: every day I get ignored when I walk in the door; he leaves the room when I come in; if we spend time alone together and have a good time, as soon as we get home, I’m a complete stranger. If BM is around when we do things, I’m a complete stranger, unless he needs me to do something for him; he’s still addicted to sympathy – he plays my wife like a violin; my wife and I constantly fight over how I should “handle” him; I try talking to him when I come home from work – he ignores me; I try ignoring him and let him come to me – BM now thinks I’m a jerk; if I hear “you’re the adult” one more time, I’m going to put my fist through a window; you can’t look at him directly; you can’t ask him a direct question; my wife does everything she can to “protect” him from the real world instead of preparing him for it; when he does something with my parents without us around, he’s an absolute jerk to them – a big manipulator; my wife thinks I screwed everything up because I’ve been too harsh; my own kids interact with me naturally – my wife is ticked because she thinks I favor them. My response – “ how can I interact with SS if he keeps leaving the room and ignoring me?!” SS is seeing a counselor, but the counselor met with me and my wife a few times and has turned the attention to issues that we had years ago instead of concentrating on the SS and his anxiety issues.

I’ve tried everything with this kid, and it’s the same crap day after day, year after year. I’ve done a lot for him and been a constant in his life. Now I’m resentful, pissed, hateful, stressed, unhappy. It’s dominating my mood and thoughts. My wife monitors and keeps track of every interaction that we have. Funny how they never remember anything good that you did – they just point out the times when you shouldn’t have said this, or shouldn’t have done that. They forget about playing catch in the yard, or taking him fishing, or to a hockey game, or shooting some hoops. I could have the best time with this kid on one day, and when the sun comes up the following day, it’s like it never happened. But being “the adult,” I gotta take it day in and day out with a friggin’ smile on my face, and heaven forbid any criticism toward that kid come out of my mouth.

Needless to say, I haven’t been an angel. The stress has caused me to say a few things that I shouldn’t have. I’ve apologized more than once to him and her. But my wife seems to think I owe some grandiose apology for the last seven years. Well I’m not apologizing for being his father. I’m not mean or abusive. I’m strict, but fair. I expect my kids to listen when they are told and I’m a firm believer in consequences. I’ve read a few posts on this site and many people have it worse than me. But man, I keep living through these days wondering how I’m going to make it through the next one without wigging out….Thank God for my own kids. It takes no effort to love my own kids and they ground me. My wife thinks that just because I stood in front of that judge and signed those papers, that I will automatically love her child just like my own – even if that kid constantly rejects me. She doesn’t realize the effort required to keep getting kicked in the shins and then coming back for more. And when you take a breather and say screw it - I don’t have it in me today, well all of sudden you’re not good enough. I stepped into my wife’s screwed up life – divorce, debt, kid and all – and found myself sitting in a counselor’s office being expected to apologize.

Thanks for the vent….this is great.

Upnorth