DH not parenting his own children!
I have a really strong hatred toward my SD's because they are spoiled, they don't listen, brats, selfish, throw fits, destroy the house, fight constantly and drive my crazy non stop. I know I'm not supposed to discipline them, and I promise myself I won't when they come back every time they come back, but I constantly yell at them and discipline them trying to make them stop their behavior. They love me and seek out my affection. They always talk about the wedding (we just got married 5 months ago, but together 5 years) so they aren't trying to break us up, they are just so selfish like their BM and it's so hard to undue the damage done by their mom every time they come back from her. It's hard not to treat them different from my DS, because he's the perfect son and almost never does wrong and I can't punish him for nothing. I do reward them when they do good.
The problem is that when my DH is home from work, I feel like I'm still doing the dirty work and yelling and disciplining them when I feel like it's his job to take over. He thinks I freak out over little things, like leaving their clothes and towels on the floor after a shower, kicking their shoes and socks off wherever they want, fighting and being mean to each other, talking back, whining or breaking any of the house rules that I have listed on the wall. In my opinion, if any of these rules are broken at all, one time, it will only continue because they are testing the boundaries. What he also doesn't understand is that they have been driving me nuts and breaking rules all day and by the time he gets home, I've had it!!! He's naturally a low key, patient guy. It's a pain to get him to defend me to his ex or bring up any problems we have with her actually. How can I get him to be the primary disciplinarian to his own kids so I can have a better relationship with them and stop being the step monster?
Would things also get better if we went week to week? We have 50/50 and are on a 3-2-2 schedule and I think it's so inconsistent. It might help improve the retention rate of the house rules and be healthier? They are 11 and 8. You think?
Maybe you both need to take
Maybe you both need to take parenting classes. If he's not doing anything to parent them and you're yelling at them a lot, you both should seek professional help.
What does his ex say about you? She needs to be shut down if she ever mentions you to him (unless there's an emergency).
Maybe the kids need to be in daycare/after school care so you can get stuff done.
You do need to make sure your SKs don't pick up on your favoritism towards your son. Of course you're going to love him more. But you need to treat all the kids equally.
Seriously. Before you get
Seriously. Before you get pregnant get out and don't get into live in relationships until your kid is out of high school. It's better for the adults and the children as studies consistently show.
This guy isn't going to change. Like many men he can kick the clothes into a corner when he wants to use the bathroom and think nothing of it. On laundry day he'll tell them to gather it all up - that is if he were going to do the laundry which he's not.
If he were here I'd tell him to knock off the 3 2 2 business its too hard on kids - always living out of a suitcase and no real home. Studies again show this a non-winner. Especially girls - with boys they should be with Dad when they start High School if not a little earlier. Keep that in mind for your perfect little boy who might be considered a bit of a sissy at school. Just saying.....
The only reason you aren't
The only reason you aren't having problems with your "perfect son" is because he is an only child. The behaviors you're griping about are completely normal sibling behaviors and if you pay attention you will see bm/sm's on here post about their own kids not doing their chores or leaving clothes all over the place. I have my kids at home ALLLLLLL freakin day and it takes 1,001 times of saying something for them to do what I want. How hard is it to put your dishes in the freakin dishwasher?! Or pick your clothes up off the bathroom floor? But as soon as we set foot out the front door, people think they are angels. It drives me nuts! People wouldn't believe the trouble I have with them fighting, not listening, driving me nuts...
Parenting is hard. If you both think you shouldn't be doing it, Dad needs to come up with a plan of consequences and you are going to have to learn to ignore A LOT. He can take care of business when he gets home.
Wow girl you sound much more
Wow girl you sound much more controlled than me!
yep I just wish he would step up his game a little bit more. I can't say he never does anything with them, but it's not enough to keep his kids in check for a long time. I think about having a child with him. Like I REALLY want another one. Our kids want a brother together lol. But I know that having a kid with him makes everything very permanent and complicated if this weren't to work out. I love him, we're best friends, but I've been married before, I know very well that love is not enough!!! Just not sure how I can get him to step it up. These aren't my daughters, they are his responsibility, however deep down I can't just sit back and watch them be parented the wrong way... I do ultimatelty care for them and love them. But they annoy me and I don't like them most of the time. Weird huh. Like a sister/sister relationship.
When I said above my son was perfect btw all, read bw the lines, I mean in comparison to the SD's. He's just respectful to me and follows the rules because he's my son and I raised him that way.
We've decided to go to marriage counseling. Hopefully it will help us compromise.
I would say that you are far
I would say that you are far from treating your SD's differently than your DS you treat them equally. You enforce the rules. If your DS does not break then and your SDs do then you are enforcing the rules on all children in your home. If your DS follows the rules then that speaks highly of him and of your parenting.
If SDs don't follow the rules and you enforce the rules and apply consequences then it speaks highly of your parenting and poorly of their behavior and your DH's parenting.
As for the clothes on the floor. Start bagging them up and take them to GoodWill. When the SDs are down to one set of underclothes and one outfit they will figure it out and get the message. Then take them shopping at GoodWill to replace the clothes they forfeited. Force all of their clothes shopping to GW until they prove that they can care for their things and treat them with some respect.
Spouses are equity partners in their marriage and also equity parents to any children in their home regardless of biology.
Your DH needs clarity that he needs to step up or he and his spawn can step out ... of your home. My DW and I stayed fairly well aligned on parenting and disciplined untill SS got in to his early teens. Then she decided she did not like how I was parenting and disciplining. I told her fine, she could take over the primary disciplinarian role. However, I would not tolerate non-action from her. If she did not like how I disciplined then she could step up and get it done before I had to. For some reason that message got through and she stepped up.
Good luck.
Wow this was exactly the
Wow this was exactly the guidance I was looking for. Thank you!
Get them involved in Girll
Get them involved in Girll Scouts or some other activities. That will break up some of the sibling fighting and boredom.