Desperate for advice and opinions
Im near my breaking point and i dont just mean just with my relationship...im close to losing my sanity too.
I will try to make this as brief as possible. My back story is that im a mother to an incredible 7 yr old daughter. My bf of a yr or so has a 5 yr old daughter. Long story short...my daughter is blamed for everything and anything. Right down to even being blamed for my sd's behavior too. I cant take it anymore and now that my eyes are finally completely open...im seeing the damage and pain its my daughter. And me.My daughter is constantly getting blamed for Everything, the sd lies constantly to get her in trouble (her dad is well aware of her lying problems, he chooses to not discipline her). My bf never reprimas my daughter. Instead he takes it out on me privately with week long fights, calling my daughter names , insisting how horrible she is. Never mind that the whole situation started with his daughter misbehaving or doing whatever hes mad my daughter did back to her (Our problems are usually about sharing). I could go on for days but my point being is tgat their is no equal treatment. The sun rises and sets with this kid and my kid is just...the devil in his eyes. Shes really not, shes very well mannered and well behaved. Her teachers sing her praises as do her friends parents. Shes a peace maker with a kind heart. Sure shes got her flaws...im not delusional. But overall, shes a saint compared to daddys lying, manipulative little girl.
I dont know what to do here. Ive discussed how i felt numerious time...just for him to continually insist my daughter is the root of all problems. Ive sd how he has no relationship or bond...he spends no time with her wo his daughter around. We cant do anything fun or family like unless its the weekend his daughter is over. He will blow off my daughter anytime she asks him to do something for or with her. But when his daughter asks, he jumps immediately. I dont know what to do here, he wont listen to how i feel and see his faults in this. He wont see how much this is hurting my daughter and making her feel isolated and inferior to his kid. Shes even sd to me that it makes her sad that he doesn't love her like he does his daughter. She wants desperately to have a dad. Its a slap in the face to see him be such a great father but deny her the love she craves.
Please hrlp me with any advice or opinions. I know i wasnt very detailed, so ask anything u need. My heart hurts so much to see this and i dont know what else to do short of ending the relationship and causing more heartache to everyone.
>>Shes even sd to me that it
>>Shes even sd to me that it makes her sad that he doesn't love her like he does his daughter. She wants desperately to have a dad. Its a slap in the face to see him be such a great father but deny her the love she craves.<<
Okay, your BF is not your daughter's father, so it is unfair for you to expect him to be one to her.
However, having said that, your BF should not blame your daughter for his daughter's bad behavior.
>>My heart hurts so much to see this and i dont know what else to do short of ending the relationship and causing more heartache to everyone.<<
I don't see how ending the relationship will cause MORE heartache. It seems like you and your daughter are already suffering, A LOT. Ending the relationship will only cause a short term sadness, or you can stay in the relationship and make the suffering last forever for both you and your little girl.
I dont know what to do
I dont know what to do here
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Really? He fights with you for weeks over something that your DD did. He calls your DD names and acts likehe hates her. And you allow this.
I am going to suggest what to do here... get out. Damn...you have only been together a year and he already treats you and your child like this. Oh and ... stop looking for a daddy for your child. She is better off with just you than being abused by your BF.
Thank you.i didnt know if i
Thank you.i didnt know if i was overreacting bc im sensitive to all this bc of how i grew up. Someone tells you long enough that u are the problem and sometimes u start to believe it. I feel crazy here half the time.
Thanks again for your advice, i appreciate it very much
Not that it matters, but to
Not that it matters, but to clarify...he never says an unkind word or speaks harshly to her...just bottles it up, slaps on a happy face, and saves the bs for me.
Our agreement from the start of living together was to become a family. He isnt to be her dad, but to be a positive loving male role model in her life to give her love and guidance as a step parent. Shes well aware he isnt her father nor will he be despite her asking him to be. I wld never expect him to love her like he does her daughter, but i wld like her to at leasted be treated equally and shown she matters too. Is that too much to ask? I bend over backwards to be there for his daughter and to take opportunities to bond with her. Shldnt he try the same? He and my daughter have so much in common and are very much alike personality wise...how hard can this be?!
Speaking from experience, I'd
Speaking from experience, I'd suggest that you take your daughter and move on. There are guys out there who will love you and your daughter. My mom put me through that and my step dad fully rejected me. He just wanted my mom and since my mom didn't leave him, I suffered bc of it. It brings on damage that can last forever, no child should have to go through that. I still have low self esteem, low self worth, I tend to look for love in the wrong places, survived suicide attempts that I shouldn't have according to the doctors, developed an eating disorder, and more. For the sake of your daughter, please do what's best for her and get this guy out of her life.
I would tell her "we are just
I would tell her "we are just here temporarily, don't get too attached to this jerk". She needs love but how can he love her when he disrespects everyone, including himself... God loves her and wanted her here, forget him. Stay as long the staying's good.
get out of this situation
get out of this situation trust me if you dont your daughter could resent in years to come for not putting her needs first and i am not saying for a minute that you are not putting her first but she may view it like that as she relies solely on you for protection and for taking care of her emotional wellbeing.my daughter suffered at the hands of my ex husband, her stepfatther for years with his snide comments about her and her dad and about me and counselling revealed she had built up resentment for me a little for allowing, she thought, him to continue making her feel unworthy.
Thank you for the advice. I
Thank you for the advice. I took this all into deep consideration as well as started seeing a therapust who specializes in blended families. Before meeting with the counselor i had a plan in mind that i was going to set in motion asap. I was going to sit my SO down n make him hear my thoughts and feelings. I wanted his kids visits to be held elsewhere until he cld see the damage he was doing to my daughter as well as how little he was doing to form a bond with my daughter. I spoke with the counselor and wo mentioning this to her, she suggested the same course of action. I finally felt like i was on the right path for a change. After the advice on this forum, i got the strength to lay down rules and if he didnt like it, he could leave. Hell, i would help him pack. I had this whole plan to sit and talk with him last week, but i never got a chance to bc of our schedules. Needless to say when we got his daughter on Thanskgiving to keep til Sunday, i was in full dread mode bc i never got out what i needed to be said. The weird thing was was that everything changed wo me saying a thing. He was spending time with my daughter, reaching out to her...all wo her initiating the interactions. His daughter came and he kept this up and the girls were so happy. Barely any issues at all. Until Saturday .he ran out to tge store and i had both girls. His daughter was starting her crap as usual, my daughter finally seemed to understand that ignoring her nastiness and remaining kind not only helps the situation but it helps her not get upset. Do, i saw my daughter walking away and taking time alone to ignore this kids attempts to piss her off. Then the sd takes it up a notch...she starts yellung at my daughter in such a way that i have heard abusive adults belittle, degrade, and yell at their partners. It was horrifying to hear a 5 yr speak in such a manner. This is when i had to step in and reprimand this kid. I was livid and if it were my daughter, she wld have gotten a spanking for sure. All i cld do was put her in timeout n speak to her about it. The kid was bawling. I fully expected her dad to freak out on me. He got back, asked what happened, and then guess what? He actually reprimanded his own kid and punished her! I cldnt believe my eyes!Then we had a long talk about it all and actually agreed on quite alot. We are sitting down this weekend to come up with house rules and consequences that will be implemented for BOTH kids. Im a bit of a skeptic, but my fingers are crossed that he sticks by this new him. If not, this has to be the end of this relationship. I dont know what brought on this change in him, but i hope it lasts
Sorry for all the typos, i
Sorry for all the typos, i really do know how to spell. Haha