Driving me crazy
My boyfriend and i have been together off and on for a couple years. We live together now with my 2 girls. The other night we got into a very emotional argument. He told me his 4 year old didnt wanna live here and we were making her feel like she wasnt apart of the family. The entire accusation was false. I do everything for her when shes here. I get up with her every morning shes here and while hes at work i keep her. He told me to punish her as though she was mine but i havent gotten to that yet because of this very reason. She was holding the door open and it was night and she was letting the bugs in from the porch light. I told her to please shut the door. He got angry came into the bed room and didnt talk to me. Told me i was out of line that i wouldnt even get on to my own kid earlier for doing the same thing but i did. He drinks. Alot. So im assuming the consumption of alcohol perhaps had something to do with it. I walked into the bed room and asked him what was wrong. He told me and i told him i never raised my voice. I never got out of line. I even called her baby. He preceded to tell me that we made his daughter feel like she didnt belong. That she felt part time here. Told him her bedroom that she shares with my daughter was not her bedroom. And told me a week or so ago she didnt wanna live here anymore and wanted a house with her daddy. She is always happy here. She always calls their bedroom hers and my daughters. She always tells him she wants to be here. So i didnt understand. I told him she told her own mother she hated her so why should anything she says at this point be taken so literal when shes just 4. The arguement got worse and i was made to feel like everything ive done with his child was for nothing. I then asked him what about my kids. My kids arent on his fb like his is on mine. My kids dont get the same interaction like i do with his and told him if he felt this way he should leave. He told me he must be delusional but I guess im rational because his kid doesnt live here. She lives with her mother. She has her own bedroom at her house, her mothers house and his mothers house. The kid is coddled beyond anything ive ever seen and if shes not happy it turns our home into a battle ground. And what makes things worse is how much him and the ex wife text about the child or so im told. Every day sometimes 30 texts a day. I used to dread her coming because shes so spoiled. She gets what she asks or or demands. But shes always happy here. She never acts like she doesnt wanna be here and we never treat her any different than loved. After the emotional argument that has left me trying to figure out what i wanna do next he buys an engagement ring for me. Im guessing now after all these little arguments over his child he plans to ask me to marry him and i for the life of me cant understand why if he cant see how good i am to his daughter. He tells me her happiness is above anyone elses and what she needs or wants will always come before anyone else. I wasnt raised that way. I was raised it was God, your spouse and then your children but everyone was treated as a family. I dont feel like this is a family i feel like this is a sham. I dont feel he truly wants to be here anymore but now he feels obligated because my kids tell him all the time they wished wed get married. His OWN daughter wants us to get married. It makes no sense how now he can say we treat her like this or we have hurt her when she doesnt act the part on any given time that shes here. I just dont understand and its killing me and how i feel about him and her. I now fear that every time shes here ill have to walk on egg shells because i never know what shes going to say. I reminded him that his ex wife has a baby on the way with the man shes dating and they live together and his daughter is there from time to time. How on earth could they have a relationship or a baby if his daughter made the remarks that shes making here.. and he said i know but shes my world and i said i understand but the ex isnt going to give her baby away because the daughter doesnt like it and shes not going to leave the boyfriend just because the daughter doesnt want him there. What should I do here? I dont know anymore.. I treat him like gold. I do everything for him. I take care of his daughter when hes asleep and she wakes up in the middle of the night. I take care of his daughter when she gets up before dawn and i havent to sacrifice sleep before i go to work to see what she needs because he doesnt. When im not here he drops her off somewhere else whether its a friends or his mother because he cant handle her. So my confusion is what is the underline issue that hes not telling me or could he really be this guy about his daughter?
He's a crappy father. Period
He's a crappy father. Period dot. He drops off his kid to everyone because he can't handle it and then judges how they are taking care of her. Take all precautions to assure you don't have a baby with this idiot and get out. This one is easy to solve.
He drinks too much He passes
He drinks too much
He passes his kid off to the nearest responsible adult cos "he cant handle her" yet he coddles and spoils her (helpful to her behaviour and little wonder he cant handle her...he isnt a good parent nor bf)
Hes an awful stepdad
Hes a hypocrite
He gaslights you and falsely accuses you of things
He guilts you even though you are shouldering the majority of the parenting of sd...indication it will never be enough nor the right way for him
Hes attempting to trap you further through marriage because he knows you are a good one however he wants to control every, little interaction with sd (while the rules are ever changing dependant on his and sds whims that day) and yet he is not held to the same standards or accpuntability with YOUR children or even sd...
Hes a catch my oh my...why are u with him?! Love is never enough, it really isnt...
Ive done nothing but bend
Ive done nothing but bend over backwards to make things work for us. In the beginning it was always how he didnt like my kids and he wasnt shy to tell me that. Although his kid is a spoiled brat and gets away with everything and is coddled, i.e cries she gets pampered, throws a fit she gets pampered, she does nothing wrong.. ever! Shes 4 years old. She cant even have her hair brushed without wanting daddy to hold her hand. She knows how to pay the roll of "if i do this ill get that". The other side of the matter is the ex wifes parents have told him to stop spoiling her, and his parents are even worse. Case in point, we used to live next door to them. We never had them because she never wanted to stay with us. One reason I think he moved here with me. Two, he used to tell me he didnt like my kids, couldnt stand my youngest. My oldest was soon to follow with the crappy attitude oh i cant stand her. Never once, in the year weve been together have I ever said i didnt like her, have i ever made her feel less than family and ive always done the same for her as i would my own. His parents are horrible people as well. They do their best to make him feel bad because they expect to keep her everyday while shes here and hes at work and even demands the weekend when shes here because they say its not fair. I fell in love with a man i believed was interested in the same things as me. Coming from a horrible abusive relationship i walked slowly into this thinking he was truthful in what he wanted, and was honest that he loved me and wanted a family. Its obvious to me now that after the fight we had, and how he made me feel, the child could tell him i hit her and it wouldnt matter what i said he would side with her. I would side with my kids on many things but not without sitting down and finding out what truly happened. He never wants to hear anything. If shes upset hes upset and its always mine or my childrens fault. Ive never experienced this. Ive never seen a child so spoiled and pampered. What 4 year old goes to the nail salon weekly to have her nails done? I mean this isnt a normal situation im in. And the ex wife makes sure she keeps her 2 cents in all the time. Doesnt matter when where or what were doing if she texts him shes priority. We took a vacation and it didnt matter what happened if she texted regardless it could have been the child was biting her nails, it was priority. If he doesnt know what to do with her he doesnt ask me, considering I have kids of my own 10 and 15. I know how kids are to an extent, although mine have never and would never act this way. Then to top that off he doesnt even try to console me after the fight. It broke my heart. It tore every bit of trust i had in this and threw it out and now the anxiety of having her here depresses me. I had to literally beg him to see that he was hurting me just to get him to calm down and it took hours. All over telling her not to hold the door open. That turned into we didnt want her here, she was made to feel part time. How else to we make a child feel who doesnt live here. We shower her with love and everything we can at any moment shes here, i dont know what else to do. And yes he drinks. He drinks a lot. Hes never been this way while drinking but im slowly starting to see that his anger while drinking has increased. It almost seems like now he tries to pick a fight and nothing is ever fair or right in his eyes. Ive been in abusive relationships and this one, even though theres nothing physical has railroaded me into wondering if pursuing anything further would be a mistake. The child has caused so many problems between us its almost like its on purpose or hes using the child to start these fights because honestly if shes telling him she doesnt want to be here its because shed rather be at grandmas where she is spoiled and the only child. Theres she can have all she wants because at her mothers she has a baby on the way and a stepsister, and here she has two step sister and she isnt the center of attention except at grandmas. I fear once the new baby is here the chaos here will be worse.
Im not sure why i gravitate
Im not sure why i gravitate to men like this. It seems there is always something. This is the first time it has ever been someone who drinks. The child will be here today and i cant think of anything else but the argument we had and it has literally got my nerves in such an uproar.
^^Agreed. Sit down and make a
^^Agreed. Sit down and make a list of your exes. What kind of family they come from, what kind of relationship they have with their mother/father/siblings. Do they drink? Are they mean when they drink? Do they take drugs? And so on and so on. I had the same problem. I kept choosing the same man. They all seemed to be very different, but when I broke it down to the very basics, they were all the same: broken family, NO contact with father, domineering mother, wanted a strong woman to take care of things (and them) - a MOTHER figure - who they ended up resenting because she (I) COULD take care of work/bills/house... Each man was progressively worse (3 alcoholics and the last one snorted coke) until I finally sat down and made up my list to figure out WHAT I was choosing.
How did it end? My therapist asked why I chose men to fix; I told her that wasn't right - I was NOT trying to fix them. I awoke in the middle of the night to realize that I chose broken men because I FELT BROKEN. Once I figured that out, I worked on fixing my relationship with myself and got off of the dysfunctional man path.
My daughters do deserve
My daughters do deserve better than this. Seeing how i have ended up with one abusive person after another has proven to me that i need to step back and just live my life. I am a kind person, i do everything i can for those i love and everytime i get walked on and taken advantage of as though it doesnt matter to them as long as they are getting something out of me. I realize that now more than anything. And yes, i have already made an appointment to talk to someone. I cant handle this on my own. Its not right to try and try and try and someone is constantly lying,(i picked up his phone last night and he asked me what i was snooping in) or talking to their ex or using their kid to fuel imaginary arguments that dont exist. I knew once i met his parents, who coddled him as well, put him so far in debt for their own needs and uses this "poor me" attitude to take advantage of everything he has, i should have seen the warning signs before he told me months ago he didnt like my own children. But i was blinded by it and sitting back i do understand more now.
People who give so much of
People who give so much of themselves are perfect candidates for those to abuse that generosity. Remember that. If you can't love yourself more make sure you love your daughters more. They are learning what a good relationship is from their MOM. If their mom is with users/abusers, chances are, they will think that is "normal."
Good for you for getting help. A major step in that is to get away from this loser and, for heaven's sake, do NOT get pregnant!!! I'm talking BC pill, IUD, shot - EVERYTHING.
He knows he has it good and wants to rope you in until he feels that you are stuck. Google "crazy making" and gaslighting.
So ive had the child here all
So ive had the child here all day and shes been nothing but perfect. Not crying, no temper tantrums, no give me this or that. She knows when shes with me that sort of things doesnt happen. It seems that he and the rest of her family need lessons in parenting because i have no issues with her. I am beginning to wonder if the crap he was throwing at me was just a reason to vent about some other underlining issues, or perhaps he was just drunk. Either way, I fully see once again its not me, and moving forward is going to be tricky. And i am on BC, and i dont want anymore children. No way no how!! Not this lady.