Hello everyone. I'm new to the site and need some advice. I have been married for 18 months. We dated for a year before we got married. My bd (13) and his bs (17) live with us and we have an 18mo son together. When I first moved in to his home, he'd never had another woman live there. He wouldn't let me put any of my things in the house. My first DH passed away 4 yrs prior and now the new husband felt weird about any of my décor. Literally, I had nothing in the actual house except for a cross and a clock. My other things were either "cheap" or had to go in the garage. I moved from a 3k SF home to his 1600 SF home, moved cities and jobs, mind you and didn't have cheap things. That was a red flag for me and my friends, but I had become pregnant, engaged and this was our plan for me and bd to move in with him and his son.
He was awesome until I had the baby a few months later. He totally changed. Totally discouraged me from breastfeeding because I wasn't producing enough in his opinion. I quit after 3 weeks because of the stress. Didn't like the way I cleaned, said I didn't know how to decorate and he did. We got into constant fights about it. He wanted the kitchen cleaned a certain way and anything less than that was disgusting. He is a police officer of 20 years and was brought up in a military family. He believes he is very cultured, that I come from a small town and don't have as much exposure as he does, especially with his experience. My bd doesn't like him and he's very strict. He says I'm too soft on her and she has a terrible attitude. I stood up to him one night with my son in my arms. I had had it. He yelled back at me, called me a "B" and told me to get the F out. I almost left. I was shocked. I confronted him the next morning and he couldn't believe I took him seriously, that he just said it for "shock value". He suffers from PTSD and started having bad dreams during the past 4 months and blames it on the fact that I don't parent my bd the right way. He was constantly telling me what she would do wrong and one night I didn't believe something he told me. He was actually right, but got so mad that he said he didn't like her, wouldn't be her parent and didn't want anything to do with her. I knew I needed to do some things different and told him I'd work on it and her. She's the type of kid that all teachers like, very sweet and will help anyone. Teachers (my actual friends) from her old school would literally let them live with them because they all love her and she's a great kid. This went on for a whole month with him not talking to her at all. I decided to move out. I was within an hour from signing the lease on a house and he called me and tried to tell me I didn't need a house, but an apartment instead. I couldn't believe he was trying to control that too! He asked me to stay and that we could take an "in house" separation and work on things. I told him no thanks, so we worked it out. Things got better for awhile until a few days ago and he commented on her tight pants. Next day he asked her clean up something as him and his son were standing there and she mumbled under her breath. I froze. I got irritated at him and her and wiped it myself. I realize I shouldn't have at all. I talked to her later about disrespect but he's upset that I didn't do it right then and there. He's right. I feel like because I don't parent his way that this won't work at all. He makes me feel that I'm less than him. He's the type of person if you don't see it the way he does, you're dumb. (Other people have noticed this too and agree!)
I don't know what to do other than become more strict with my daughter. She's 13 and is going to try to talk back to an extent and you have to control that, but he's old school and says it shouldn't happen at all, ever, and if it does to "slap the taste out of their mouth". Because he isolated her and neither him or his son would talk to her for a month, she became depressed. I honestly felt sorry for her. His son has lied numerous times. He yelled at him, would threaten him that he couldn't live in the house, and continued talking to him the next day. With my bd, he refused to interact with her at all, because he didn't have to. I was so angry and mad.
I don't know if I'm over analyzing things, but at this point, he says the parenting of her is on me, that I say I want his help but won't let him, so he's done for now. Said I have to get her right before he'll get involved again. I don't think he wants either of us here, but he says he does. I'm honestly wondering if he's waiting for Christmas to pass then tell me it's over. I forgot to add that I'd checked his phone a few times and saw him "joking" with female friends and making suggestive remarks. That was last year before any of this happened. While I don't think he'd cheat on me ever, he does flirt. Some say that's normal, but if you have to do it privately, you shouldn't do it at all. That's disrespectful to our marriage.