Sounds like you are in the same boat as a lot of us on this site so welcome! In May is mine and my BFs 3 years together and I too made the comment of saying my friends were more important to me than his kids. He flipped a lid and said the same thing your husband said, that I am suppose to love them and keep them on the same level he does. Bull Crap.....they are not our children and we can't force our feelings to love them, that is just unnatural.

I feel the same way on this; I get "Why do you hate her so much?" or "You are the adult." You can look at these in 2 diff ways I think

When DH is not around SD13 and I (I have 3 bios) get along wonderful. You put him in the picture and it's almost like he's looking and waiting for me to say something he doesn't like to her. Like I am some big abuse SM!!

I have tried for 12 years with her; and yes it was good at first; but now.......
As for me being the adult; yes I AM THE ADULT - I/you should not always be the ones doing, giving, being used; because after awhile that's what it feels like.

We did not give birth to these kids. It takes a long time to feel love. I don't even like my SD14. I like my SS12. I tell him "love ya" when he leaves, but I don't mean it. I feel like if I keep saying it, I will someday mean it. His personality is very difficult to love, but I keep trying. As for SD14, not even worth the effort.

You feel what you feel, you can't fake it.

When anyone asks that question ... the answer should be "sometimes" or "I love them but I don't like them very much". IMHO.

I heard the later several times in my teens and early 20s from my parents.

I have said the same to my wife about our son (my SS) and directly to my SS.

I am his dad, I love him, but there are often times that I do not like him very much. Lately it seems those times occur almost daily. For some reason he is incapable of completing even simple tasks. He starts some of them but finishes none of them until either his mom or I climb his ass about it.

Everything is an excuse with him and even my wife is at the end of her rope with the kid.

Welcome to the community, by the way. I hope you find it a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.

Best regards,

In my opinion, loving someone is doing what is necessary for them to thrive and be successful. I love my DH by doing his laundry, putting up with his kids. Its a decision, not a feeling for me. If I do what is right, then I am loving his kids. DO I feel it? NO. But it is love.

My feelings are I hate the little fockers, but I do what is right, and that is love in action.

I think it's just a very emotional issue to deal with a child in the hospital, even just for a checkup. I would give her some space on that particular issue - maybe wait somewhere nearby for your husband to be done and then meet up with him right away for the hugs, shoulder to cry on, or whatever he needs for support.

When it comes to volunteering at school, as a BM myself who dealt with this issue, I did feel it was inappropriate for my XH's fiancee to join the PTO, but only because I am an active volunteer. If I wasn't doing it, I would be more than happy for her to volunteer - and if she wanted to volunteer in another capacity, like in a classroom or something like that, I think that would be wonderful. But we aren't friends (maybe someday we will all get along better, I hope so) and it made it very uncomfortable for me to be there as a volunteer if she was there as well.

Just keep those things in mind. She does have a right to "first pick" so-to-speak when it comes to her kids, but that doesn't mean you are not a parent in their lives. You aren't their mom - but you are a parent - by choice.

I am so glad i found this site ... i have been feeling the same way for about 2.5 years now ! i love my husband more than anything int he world and we have our own baby on the way but i HATE his kids. They are ignorant, irritating, demanding, rude and jealous ! I cant spend 5 minutes on my own or even near my husband without his son (8) trying to get involved and take his dads attention. He does the same thing when my SD (11) gets the tiniest bit of attention from my husband, he cannot stand anyone near his dad. His dad sometimes notices and has a go at him but 90% of the time he lets him get away with it and even encourages it asking him to go wiuth him when he goes to [put his pj's on etc ! its just not necessary ! They dont sleep in their own rooms and i really want to make the little room a nice nursxery for our unborn child (seeing as it never gets used cos they are alays in my SD's room) and my husband will not have it cos it might upset HIS kids. Everything he says and does is to benefit HIS kids (as he puts it every 5 minutes) i dont want them and never have ... I just dont know what to do with myself, obv i am pregnant now aswell, its one thing putting me to the bottom of the pile and amking me feel unimportant and unwanted when they are around but i will not have my baby feeling that way aswell ! I always think if they werent there our relationship would be perfect cos we get on so well when the kids arent there but as soon as they walk through the door the whole house changes !!! feel so much better getting that off my chest ! lol

your story resinates with a LOT. i have a very similar one except that the SD lives with us 100% of the time and i too tried to be the perfect stepmom for several years (6 to be exact). im pulling back and taking distance now because the only result of my involvment was a huge strain in my marriage. hubby and i fight exclusively about SD, nothing else.
my advice is to keep in the direction you started: go have lunch with friends, live Your live as you, not as the stepmother of so and so. stay happy, social and keep your distance from those SKs. spend time with your husband by yourselves, date, take a romantic weekend somewhere. dont talk about the kids all the time, dont make them the center of your marriage!!!. honestly, im now trying to take my own advice :).
dont feel guilty about not loving those children, they are not yours..wish them well, feed them when you have to, nod and smile a lot and enjoy your husband.
here is hte good news, they will eventually go away...

I have a SS6. He is a major handful for me. I also have a SD9. I love her like she is my own. Hell. I love them both, but i don't always like them lol. They got a great sense of entitlement when i first started the role as step mom. I gave and gave and so did their parents. They were so greedy and demanding that i lost it one day and cut it all off! DH and I stayed up late that night crying, talking, fighting. BUT. We came to a conclusion after a while and found a way to make the kids work for EVERYTHING. If it was dinner time they needed to make it for themselves. If they wanted to watch tv they had to earn the money to pay for the electricity/cable. We were crazy over board for about 2-3 weeks. But by the time we mellowed our "system" out and came up with better cause and effect for the kids they were AWESOME. So far, they have been pretty good kids, any time we have the greedy issues with them again we just have to remind them that it could go back to being a LOT of hard work again.

Hello new folks,

I cannot recommend the book Stepmonster enough! I felt the same way about loving or sometimes even liking my step-sons. Everyone thinks you should love them. I guess SM are super humans because we are supposed to love these assholes who heap abuse on us and test our limits.

I found this review on the book to be worded perfectly

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"Stepmothers don't get permission to feel anything less than never-ending love and understanding toward their step-kids. Yet those very step-kids are almost expected to dislike and reject their stepmothers, and understood if they do. All the while our husbands and the rest of society expect the adult (us, even if the children are also adults) to take the high road in the face of the steady pain that is inflicted upon us. Our step children are never expected to love us like they love their mothers (or even like us) but we stepmothers are not offered any clemency if we do not love our step children like we would (or do) love our own, and God forbid we don't even like them. Why?!?! If it weren't for the fact that I am the older of the 2 of us I would never be expected to accept such an injustice or demonstrate such pure sacrifice. Absurd! But there is no doubt that this is our reality.

Wednesday also touches on the fact that our husbands contribute to our pain as much and sometimes more than the kids themselves; either by excusing or defending his child's actions, disregarding our feelings, not acknowledging our hurt, blaming us for not possessing the ability to bond or for not trying hard enough, regularly placing their children's needs before ours, or taking their side in a disagreement. This makes for a lonely, sad and unfulfilling marriage at the very least. But more likely adds to that, anger, regret, resentment, hopelessness & misery that you may have otherwise never had to experience if you had married a man who loved you first and foremost."

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I also found disengaging helped ease my anger and pain. (also from the book Stepmonster)

DISENGAGING

To disengage--to simply try less or stop trying at all--requires accepting a number of truths about being married to a man with children.

*They are not your children.
*You are not responsible for overcoming their upbringing or any emotional or social problems they have.
* You are not responsible for what kind of people they are. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
*These responsibilities belong to your husband, who will likely not raise his kids (or make interventions with his adult kids) the way you would.

Having accepted this reality, you then make a promise to yourself: I will never give them the opportunity to treat me disrespectfully again.

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Good luck my dears! This site will also help you immensely!