Blending- Who shares rooms, decides design, etc?
Hubs and I have been married for 7yrs and together for 9, great marriage & tend to agree on most things. Usually. We have 7 kids between us (I know). Mine, his, ours thing. I had 4, he had 2....we had one together. My oldest is out living her best life and my step-kids are her EOW & Wed nights, but not always depending on work/social activities. When we got married, my husband and his kids moved into my home and my kids gave up their rooms and began sharing. We then bought and re-modeled a home that has 6bdrms, however I work from home taking one of these and another is our room, leaving 4 for 6 kids to share. Our youngest is 6, lives here all of the time and has her own room. My 18 yr old son also has his own small room. My 15 yr old son & 10 yr old SS share the largest room, and my 16 yr old daughter & 17 yr old SD share another small room.
The issue- Our teen girl's room. It is small and my daughter has always had the smallest room in all 3 homes we have lived in. She has never picked out her own furniture or really been able to decorate her own room. We moved into this house when she was @ 13/14 and my hubs thought both girls should have a say in picking things out. I agreed. Since then, BM remarried and both stepkids have their own rooms at mom's and are able to decorate how they choose. Our daughters room is cramped and always looks messy, drives me insane so I thought it would be a good idea to do a daybed with a trundle to not only make the room look nicer, give them more, space....but also because I feel like since my SD will be graduating from HS in May, that it should now be time for my daughter to have some say finally in the room that she lives in full time and not have to make so many concessions for a sister that is only here maybe 5 nights a month.
My hubs immediately shut this down, saying things like "my daughter is not going to sleep on a pull out". It shocked me he saw it this way, seeing as I have helped raise these kids as my own and oftentimes on weekends my husband works while I am alone with all of our kids. Like I was trying to make her sleep in a drawer or something. I just thought it seemed unfair that my own kids have never really had a chance to pick furniture or decorate the rooms they live in full time because of having siblings that come EOW. But I have never said anything until one is about to graduate. We just have limited room space as well, and doesn't make sense to me for one person to be so cramped when they are here by themselves the majority of the time.
Am I wrong for thinking this way....should he be more compromising, should I? Has anyone else dealt with this and if so, how was it handled.
I had trundles in the
I had trundles in the beginning. The skids jumped on them and broke them. Also had bunks. They lasted longer. I think your DH is trying to keep things fair but, BUT, you really can't keep things always fair in the blender situation. Each family comes from different styles, different priorities, etc. The mom traditionally takes care of clothing, toiletries, and setting up their bedrooms. A teen girl should be able to design her room and IMO you need to defend that right. It's long overdue. I have 4 BDs , 2 SDs and 2 SS. Stuff like this can make so your BD will find excuses to put distance between the two of you. Stand up for her I say. SD can learn a lesson or two out of this too.
Fairness
I tend to agree with you. I tend to make all of the decorating decisions in our home....except on this. It bothers me that my opinion it it seems to not matter & is just shut right down even though I have full custody, my kids are here most days. His aren't. I would never want to bring that up though. Seems mean, but still a valid point in this situation because I feel like my daughter is getting shafted. She is on the spectrum and only has 2 more years in school and I just feel it should be time for her to decide her room before it is too late!
Can you make your office SD's?
If she's only there 5 days a month, can you make your office her room. With a partition for video calls (so they don't see a bed). Then DD gets the room to herself. SD gets a room to herself. And the very few times a month she's there you move your workspace to the kitchen table? Hopefully since she's only there weekends and after school on Wednesday that won't even interfere with your schedule.
It comes down to who you want to have a room more. Your office for you? Or a bedroom for you daughter?
Otherwise, I'd go with bunkbeds. All my kids have moved out and I still keep a bed for them to sleep in when they visit!
Yep
In this situation no way I'd be using a room for an office.
I was going to suggest the
I was going to suggest the office as well. Maybe a Murphy bed so that it can be stored away for 26 days out of the month?
Office
I should have mentioned, I am an LPC. Work from home. The room I use for an office has to be private as I have to keep sessions HIPAA compliant. However, the room I use is also a media room for all kids when I am not working. It is also a "walkthrough" to get to a back staircase and not exactly set up to be used for an actual bedroom. I did ask if we could put a daybed in there though, he wasn't okay with that either.
Resident children get room priority and decorating
priority over non resident visitation schedule children. Visiting kids fit where there is space.
If DH does not like the trundle idea, buy a bunk bed the resident kid getting choice of top or bottom. Not a pull out so butt hurt daddy should have nothing to complain about.
Who is resident and who is a visitor is defined by the CO. The resident is the kid whose parent is the CP. The visitor is the kid whose resident parent is the NCP. If both parents are the CP or are the NCP the kids share the room with equal space and design input.
We put a wall in to make an
We put a wall in to make an extra bedroom for my DD. No way I was making her share with a diabla.
Wall
If there was space, extra walls would be everywhere so I could hide from all of them... :)
Putting a wall in
Is really not a big thing. Should only take two or three days
I’d equate a kid coming over for visitation 5 days a week
To no different to how sleeping arrangements would be if you visited family interstate or overseas and stayed at their place on a pull out mattress on floor.
The trundle is practical because it takes up less space in a small room when sd isn't here. A bunk bed is bulky and a waste of vertical space when sd isn't here. hubby can get shitty all he wants, he needs to think of practicality, you're dealing with a limited budget, limited space, time limitations because sd is rarely over during the month. Making her feel super special to compete with biomums home is just to make daddy feel not less superior to her.
what biomums arrangements are in her home are hers, what arrangements are in your home are yours. We don't cave into wants, we deal with practicality and basic realistic needs
Practicality
I feel like that is the one word no one has said yet. Practical. Along with logical, budget, etc. And also the simple and very plain fact that my SD graduates in like 4 months. I can wait obviously, but why did this have to be such a fight to begin with, when I have compromised, many times at my kid's sake, since before we even got married on their rooms/furniture? And who has this money just laying around to throw up walls? And can we be friends. I need some extra walls.
Is your daughter in the home
Is your daughter in the home full time? or does she have visitation with dad? To be honest.. practical may be one consideration.. but you also have to see the optics of things.. right now, two of your biological kids have rooms of their own.. only one of his does.. (the one you share).. and his other two kids share a room... on the face of it.. that is pretty equitable.. even though not perfect.
I understand wanting more for your daughter.. but while his child is still a minor.. I think you need to consider that what happens at her other home is irrelevant in yours.. he wants all his kids in "real" beds when they are at home.. whith him.. in his home.
What about your son who is 18? when will he be moving out? It seems more fair to have the "room of your own".. work out for more senior kids in the home.. when he moves.. and when SD is off to school.. won't there be space for your daughter to have a room more of her own?
BD in the home
My kids all live here full time, yes. My 18 yr old was given his own room for the first time when we moved here after having to share with 2 others until he was 16. That decision was mutually kind of, lol. It has always been my husband's believe that the oldest child gets first choice of everything (room, seat selection). Not something I am fond of as the littles ones never seem to get to pick much I feel like.
And yes, won't be long until there is tons of room. I suppose my gripe more than anything is being told "NO" and "that isn't happening" after I have always been willing to compromise or rearrange things to make everyone be included. We are blended in allllll the ways- step, half, adopted. Seemed like something that could be talked about or at least compromised on.
Unless I am just seeing this all wrong by even bringing the very thought up?
It’s must be hard
As a father wanted to treat all his kids the same. To have one kid, getting to sleep not in a proper bed. Not to have proper There own space in his home. Has to be upsetting. Having his wife trying to bamboozle him into something. There have to be better options.
They may take more time and money. But they must be there. Addition to house. Used as a bed room until kids age out then used for something else.
No bamboozling :)
No one is trying to bamboozle. I could've done it and then apologized later if that were the case. Not talk to him about it, share my ideas.....then go find a forum and ask others for their opinions. I am genuinely upset that he responded that way when I was here raising them for years when he wasn't. Times weren't always great. And I'm the one who moved everyone in, rearranging our entire home. And have always agreed to to what he wanted in regards to furniture (as opposed to what my kids would have liked) so his kids wouldn't feel different or left out.
His oldest IS aging out. That is why this has come up. My daughter is almost 17, his is almost 18 and about to graduate from high school. I simply wanted my BD to finally be able to have a say in her own room. Not a whole lot more to it other than I honestly did not realize it would be such a big deal to put an 18yr old on a trundle bed overnight when she comes to stay a few nights a month, and that's if she keeps coming upon graduating which I highly doubt.
If your SD is graduating.. I
If your SD is graduating.. I am assuming going off to school.. I think that would be the time to reset things somewhat.. I would get one of those full down twin up bunk beds.. so a "big girl" bed for your daughter.. and a real bed for his daughter when she comes home over holidays. Obv.. I think both girls should have had a say in how the room is decorated to an extent.. but honestly.. I never had too much say in my room.. other than posters on the wall or knick nack things.. the furniture was either Army issued.. or the furniture from our old bunk beds when I shared with my brother.
I got to make my own choices when I got my own place.. haha.