Well, as our summer visit progresses with my 2 youngest step sons I'm observing the development (or should I say lack of) and behavior of the youngest boy who is 8 years old.

"A" (we will call him)lives about 3 hours away from us along with my husband's middle son. His oldest son lives with us. His oldest is now a thriving honor roll A-B student, well liked by the students and staff,and that happens to be a star athlete. As a step parent (and mother of my own children) I've worked very hard to preen my children, biological and step alike, into respectful, well mannered kids that will hopefully do better than I did when I was younger.

The 8 year old "A" - Whew..where do I begin? I have so many mixed feelings about him that just started to come up. He has gone from what appeared to be a happy, smiling child that laughed at jokes, and would come to me for attention and hugs; to a child that is (what appears to be) ...numb. Let me explain...

For example; The other day in an attempt to make conversation with him, I excitedly told him, "Guess what? Did you know that your baby sister is going to be born in less than 2 weeks? She will be born on July 16th!!" Now, most other kids would show some kind of emotion, interest, etc...but he looked at me from beginning to end with the same "deer caught in headlights" look and said, "OK, Yes ma'am." (??? WTF???) He reacted as if I just told him to brush his teeth or something. Yesterday I cut up a fresh pineapple and shared it with my 3 step sons ( It was good too!) "A" had never had pineapple before (OMG), he tried it, he liked it. When he came back in the kitchen I said, "Would you like some more?" He reached out his hands and walked towards me as if to take it from me, yet shook his head "no" and said, "No". (Again WTF?) I was dumbfounded for a moment because I was getting mixed signals. So, after questioning and re questioning it turned out that he really did want more he said no. Then he said, " Ok, I'll try some." I said, " What do you mean you'll try some - You've already TRIED IT! So, do you want some or not??" At this point I'm literally at my wits end with this kid. (Things like this have been going on since they've been here- Its been a very frustrating visit)

His motor skills are pitiful. He can barely tie his shoes. Matter of fact he just learned. We spent time with him every time he visited in the past to teach him, but his mom never spent time with him to do ANYTHING. He has a tendency to do EXACTLY what you tell him NOT to; He wont listen, he is the PICKIEST eater Ive ever seen, he's been fed a diet of chips, ramen noodles, chips, McDonalds, candy, sugar ridden juices, greasy foods, virtually no veggies or fruits,oh, did I mention chips?.. and Nyquil for dessert ( as a sleep aid). Yes, mom would keep the children up til all hours of the night...1- 2 am and then get them up for school at 6 or so. In order to get them to go to sleep she would give them cold/cough medicines to tranquilize them.

He seems to be very needy as well. However, he no longer comes to me for affection. He seems like a zombie. When his dad comes home from work he approaches him like a much younger child and wants to be picked up and held. (It sort of creeps me out)- My husband and I could be watching a movie and he will come out of the room and walk up to my husband and say, " Hi Daddy" - and wave, as if he hasn't seen him before. His grandmother (husbands mom) comes to visit she has nearly nothing to do with them..I guess because he is hard to interact with...but "A" looks to get hugs from her and says "I love you to her" - where he used to say it to me.

I'm wondering if his mother has coached him into feeling like he has to choose. Everyone, so far, look at him at 8 years old and only weighing 54 POUNDS!!- observe his mental slowness, his lack of emotion, his compulsive lying, poor motor skills, his inability to make even the simplest choices (good choices) on his own, the inability to understand basic things ( like why he isn't to rest his elbows on the table while eating)- the fact that when he's told not to rest his arms on the table while eating he becomes so upset and cant wrap his head around it even when we explain that it's bad manners. He will put his arms back up there because he truly in his heart doesn't agree with it...and since it doesn't make sense to him...he will do as he pleases.

Lastly, the one thing that my husband is desperate to get done...a DNA test for "A". During the time when he was conceived, mama was out sleeping with a boy who was high school age. He questions whether or not he is really his son. He can't figure out why his skin is so dark ( my husband is very light skinned)the mother is bi-racial, (black and white), so shes fairly light...he has the most horrible protruding dentition (REALLY BUCK TEETH)- combines with his mental slowness and his poor motor skills _ I think Ive just painted a picture of a really goofy looking kid...but it's the sad truth.

I think part of what's wrong here is that everyone is thinking that because there is a good chance that he may not belong to my husband, we're starting to withdraw in some ways. I've noticed how others besides myself have been acting and I see it. Nobody is cruel or unfair to him..but because the rest of us have a disgusted feeling towards the mother and an anger towards her for not taking care of "A"- this child, who may not be my husband's has to suffer. We're the ones who have to pick up her "mess" - and trying to get her to be more proactive is just NOT going to happen. I guess at this point, I'm trying to not detach myself emotionally by being annoyed with "A". I feel a lot of pressure right now with taking them on just weeks away from the delivery of our first baby. I've spent so much time trying to get "A" to feel loved and accepted; Ive cared for him hand and foot since hes been here visiting, yet he acts like a zombie. It's becoming emotionally draining and I feel like since he isn't receptive to my efforts, then to hell with it - I feel like just saving my time and energy for the new baby and for the kids who want to be involved. He just seems out there and I'm just one person. I'm feeling like its his mothers problem - let her deal with it- since noone will get him evaluated or DNA tested.

I guess I'm just feeling sort of bad about all of this...I'm not sure how to deal with my frustration and anger; sorry for such a long message.