Hello!

Im a first time almost step mom(33F) and bio mom to a firecracker toddler(2F). My fiance (36M) has one child(10F) from a previous relationship which the BM split when SD was 3. SD is with mom during week. My fiance and I have been together for a little over a year and have been living together for about 4 months. We have SD every weekend and most school breaks, he says it's 50/50 but in reality we have her more often as SD constantly wants to stay with us an extra day or so.(Fiance and BM let the kid decide where she wants to be. Aside from Fridays and Saturdays, SD chooses to either go to mom's or stay with us. Another thing that annoys me). 

I knew before we moved in together they were very close and fiance was struggling with the fact that SD was entering puberty and growing up. They would often sleep in the same bed before he moved into my house and tickle fight in the mornings. They would hold hands in parking lots and hug multiple times at family events. I honestly thought it was sweet how close they were/are!

Once they moved in reality of the situation hit and I began to see things in a completely different light.. They will snuggle on the couch for hours, SD heads on his lap/chest/nook area and his arms wrapped around her, he would often stroke her back underneath her shirt. SD sometimes will flat out ask "Daddy come snuggle with me in bed" at night or ask him to sleep with her(this thank god stopped). She will often touch all over him and sit in his lap. She is 5ft tall. Growing breasts, in a training bra. Clearly in the middle of puberty, she just started getting cramps. It makes me uncomfortable he would show physical affection to his 10YO daughter the exact same way he shows it to me, his tomantic partner. When i straddle him and snuggle, 9/10 we end up having sex!

When we are all out together in public, SD and him hold hands fingers laced. They will often be either ahead or behind me, holding hands while she speaks low into his ear and giggles. She also will HANG on his arm and snuggle into his arm, wrapping her arms around him and staring up into his face. 

She does 0 chores. Daddy brushes her hair, cleans her room, does her laundry and up until recently was still cutting up her food and buttering her bread. This girl does absolutely nothing and I mean NOTHING. If she's thirsty in her room, rather than get up and get something she will yell across the house "DADDY" until he goes and tends to her. 

She is jealous of me and my toddler. My daughters bio dad is completely out of the picture and has been since she was only 6 months old, so we have her 100% of the time. My fiance has taken up the role as her dad and is so amazing with her.. She adores him and the feeling is mutual! But SD will intentionally do things to get my toddler in trouble, then lie about it. Ex. Last weekend SD threw her tablet and then said loudly "Thanks, (Bio Name)" and when I asked what happened SD said my kiddo threw her tablet. I was actually watching the entire situation and my kid didn't do anything she was just sitting on the opposite side of the couch. I told fiance about it and he addressed it.

SD is mostly a sweet and nice girl but her need to be the center of attention, lack of maturity and clingy behavior with dad is really annoying.. She will interrupt me and my fiance all the time for no reason. She will blatantly ignore me when i ask her questions, even if I make eye contact. My fiance is starting to see the behavior thank god but we have a long way to go. Especially with the physical affection, which my fiance sees nothing wrong with. 

I told him "When you're scratching her back, do you scratch under or over her bra?" And that made him pause and think. The other day he was in his boxers and she was straddling him on the couch tickling his ear/neck. I don't think anything sexual is going on but there are NO boundaries. At her age i find it extremely inappropriate. It's at the point I won't even be in the living room while they are there. He never shows me affection other than a quick hug/kiss when someone gets home in front of her. I don't think she's ever seen us snuggle. And when shes gone we are very affectionate, but when she gets here I feel like I'm demoted. Whenever we fight, he will hide out with SD in her room. It has always weirded me out.. Like he is getting some emotional needs met by his daughter VS an appropriate adult.

He recently told her he would take her to the beach for her birthday. Which... wtf? We are not in a financial situation to do that and the way he said "I told her *I* would take her to the beach" upset me. It's still him and his little girl are priority, then it's me and my kiddo. Her WANTS seem to come first. I am starting to feel like he isn't ready to get married because he doesn't have room for an adult wife, he already has a mini one. He consults her about adult decisions and she basically pretends I am not there 90% of the time. I ignore it. I was a preteen SD when I was her age, I get it. I was also enmeshed with my single father, so I see the signs. My dad leaned on me for emptional support and had me cooking/cleaning by the time I was 12. I matured extremely fast. Situation with my fiance is feeling like enmeshment, but instead of maturing fast it seems like he is holding her back and seeking out the spouse role with physical affection and emotional needs. Like an unhealthy codependency.

If I am going to marry this man, princess needs to be demoted and he needs to start treating me like a wife. She needs to understand the difference in her role VS my role in his life and act appropriately within her role as daughter. 

Am I crazy!? How do I explain this to him!? We have discussed it and he agreed our marriage comes first, then kids. Our wants come before the wants of the kids. He says he understands but continues to do things that put her wants first..