Accused of treating SD unfairly
2 issues that have led to a significant amount of resentment toward me from my fiance. I have been told that I am in the wrong and that my failure to acknowledge it will lead to the end of our relationship of 3 years.
My fiance and I recently had a child together who is less than 2 months. Our little one was planned. I have 2 sons, ages 12 and 3 and SD age 10. SD lives an hour away and is with us overnight once a week and EOW. My boys live with us and have visits with my ex every weekend. We tend to have situations where he expresses concerns that his daughter is made to feel left out or less than. An example is when my older son is invited to sleepover with his favorite cousin if we are visiting, which has always happened since the boys were younger so I tend to take extra clothing for DS 12. Prior to us moving to our new home in a new area both boys were involved in extracurricular activities with DS taking piano lessons with the usual recitals, dancing in front of national audiences, and then doing additional short-term sports or activities if he had an interest. DS3 was just beginning to basketball and gymnastics as extracurricular activities.
Although we have SD part-time, I found an activity to involve her in once he moved in with me. She was able to participate in theatre as well as dance even though she was here EOW. She stated she didn't really like either one. He and EW had her enrolled in dance in the past and she doesn't have an interest in that either. My fiance would drive an hour there to take her. It also didn't work well since she missed a class EOW. At age 9 her response to activities is that she doesn't have an interest in any particular one.
My fiance became pretty much undone, when he found out that I had begun seeking out piano lessons for DS 12 in our new area, as well as, gymnastics for my little one. He feels I'm wrong for not finding an activity for SD. According to him her mom treats everything and everyone as an inconvenience so I should know to schedule her. Her mom stays at home, choosing not to work. For me, this makes her fully capable and available to plan for SD who I have a very hard time figuring out what interests her.
The major issue that has caused a breakdown in all communication was another instance of him telling me how wrong I am in refusing to care for SD. Our newborn was just 5 weeks old when SD became sick while at her mother's home. She had a fever ranging from 101 to 103 for 3 days with the chills, vomiting, lack of appetite, congestion, and a cough that prevented her from sleeping. She had been taken to the doctor 1 week prior to this by fiance for a bad cough thought to be from sinus issues and her mother failed to schedule or take her to the follow up appointment as agreed. I was asked if her mother could bring her to me if she didn't go to school on the 4th day of her illness as her mother had her own doctors appointment on that day. I informed my fiance that I did not feel comfortable with her staying with me and newborn that day without her seeing a doctor. My fiance and ex stressed that she could spend that day, as well as the weekend in her room so no one else became ill. My concern was that her symptoms hadn't improved and in fact became much worse. I felt she needed a visit to the doctors in addition to not wanting to care for an obviously sick child. This would have been the same reaction i would have had if it were either of my son's. I would have asked my ex to take them to the doctor.My family would have helped to care for them after the doctors visit to decrease exposure to newborn.
My fiance feels I was out of line to "refuse to serve as her primary caretaker" for the time she was scheduled to be with her mom, as well as the weekend since he had to work. I actually never refused, I just stated I wasn't comfortable with it. SD has health insurance and I almost see it as a form of neglect for neither of her parents to seek medical treatment. Her mother will only schedule appointments if she feels things are bad and the expectation is that my fiance will take her to those appointments an hour away.Fiance says if I wanted her to be seen so badly by the doctor I should have taken her myself, although he knows her mother has said i can't take her to the doctors nor get her a doctor here. We have been at odds over this for 2 weeks now. To top it off, she still has the bad cough and our new baby is suffering from congestion, a cough, and sneezing.
He said that it was wrong on
He said that it was wrong on so many levels that I'll never understand. I really don't understand how he can't see that something should have been done about her health and the risk that it was for our newborn. He actually is stating that it he's thinking of leaving me since I can't seem to treat her fairly. He believes there should never be a time that I should question whether or not she should come to her house
"He said that it was wrong on
"He said that it was wrong on so many levels that I'll never understand."
That is passive-aggressive b.s. What he's saying here is either: 1) You are stupid. Or 2) He can't explain why you're wrong so he's not going to try, but it's still your fault.
Hell no. Do NOT fall for this bullying.
this 100 percent!!!!!!
this 100 percent!!!!!!
I'm currently home in
I'm currently home in maternity leave. When working i have a high stress job. I initially felt bad for her situation with her mom and wanted to have her do as much as I do for my children. So I've done the Disney trips and lots of activities she wouldn't be involved in otherwise.
I realize and told job he's as much of a problem n as her mom. Things became bad as I got closer to the birth of our son. He attempted to create equal Christmas spending on the kids 3 weeks before Christmas in an amount that wouldn't have covered the one gift that was really important for my son to have. I realize then that things had to change.
let me tell you from being
let me tell you from being where you'll be in a couple of years. GET THE FUCK OUT!
My DH complains about everything I do or don't do for his ungrateful SDs who are now 11stb12 and 9st10. I am mean when I expect the same from all the kids. I have a 14stb15 son and 11stb12 daughter plus our 2 year old mutual child. His oldest has now said she isn't coming, cant make her she's grown, thank you god, my prayers have been answered.
My kids get shit on, he tries to parent them but doesn't parent his own. Everyday I wake up I have to decide if I stay or go. I have the good job, before him, my kids had good lives, now he thinks he's able to "control" everyone.
Trust me, they look for women like us, with good jobs, because slutty BM takes and get us excited about a life we'll never have, plan a kid with us because usually we are already upset about failing in our first marriage, they plan this shit! Hook us and take, take and take until you leave or have nothing else to give.
I pay his mortgage, the car insurance, our daughters needs, my kids needs and he gives to slutty nasty ass BM. Leave, give your children a life they can be happy in because this isn't it.
I did not agree to equal
I did not agree to equal amounts. He and I both make pretty good money but I manage mine better. Christmas planning and shopping stats well before Christmas. My kids have no idea what items cost and all the kids still believe in Santa.i have also bought his daughter a new wardrobe for two seasons so it's not as if she was ever slighted. I no longer buy her clothing or pay for her activities as I finally felt like they weren't being responsible for her and her mother is provided child support.
HaHAHaHaHA! I'm rolling over
HaHAHaHaHA!
I'm rolling over here about the "primary caregiver" line. What?! You should never be compelled to be the primary caregiver...especially when it's not even your weekend. The fact that he's trying to pigeonhole you into that role before you're even married is a huge red flag. He's trying to establish a precedent that it will be difficult to undo later.
Honestly, I think he's probably doing it subconsciously. My DH did this kind of thing for a while...he was so excited to see the skids, he just assumed I was excited, too. He'd automatically say yes to any and all "extra time" with the skids...often when he wasn't even going to be home. But then he'd leave me responsible for a lot (most) of their care, dump a lot of extra work on me, without even asking first. The presumption / assumption was staggering. We actually had a huge fight over this very thing. I was sick in bed...he was going away for work...I was looking forward to a day by myself (we both work from home, so time alone is rare). He calls from the road to tell me BM is bringing SD11 (now SD15) over to spend the day with me because she's sick, too. I pitched a fit. He got mad. Simply couldn't understand what the big deal was. We were both sick...we could both hang out on the couches together watching TV and getting better. I didn't really need to watch her. Win-Win, right? No biggie. He couldn't see any reason for me to object...so it must just be pure meanness on my part or I must hate his daughter.
Long story short. He refused to call BM back and tell her no...SD got dropped off to spend the day with me. I was fuming with anger, hurt feelings, resentment. Over time, I've gotten DH to see that it's not a matter of hating his kids...but of hating not being asked. I've found that analogies really help with these kinds of explanations. I have no kids of my own, but I have a bunch of nieces and nephews in town who I adore. So I pointed this out to DH: "Do you think I hate my niece?" Dh: "No...you're obviously crazy about her." Me: "Do you think that means I'd be thrilled if my sister dropped her off here for the entire day without asking me first? Better yet...do you think I'd allow my sister to do that to you while I wasn't even home? And, if I did, do you think you'd be pretty furious about it? Would it matter that you 'were both sick anyway' or that you 'hadn't made any other plans for the day?'"
I think what happens is DH's get these rosy pictures in their heads about what step/blended family life is going to be like (Norman Rockwell stuff...with you doing all the work to make it so, of course) and then they get offended and hurt when you object or express feelings and desires of your own. Over time, I've been able to get DH to see things from my perspective more often, and to take on more of the work of actually parenting his own kids...which has made him a better father and which the kids actually appreciate. SS17 told me last weekend that he "totally respects me" and thinks that I get him and have helped his dad understand him better. I was floored. Your DH needs to understand that his DD probably doesn't want or need tons of mothering from you or tons of involvement from you...she wants her mom and her dad.
Try to get him to see this from your perspective...and from his own daughter's perspective...rather than from his and what's easiest and best for him. If he still thinks this is a deal-breaker...then you just dodged a major bullet.
PS - If DH "asks" but then
PS - If DH "asks" but then gets angry about your answer...then he's not really asking. Had to work through this with my DH as well. "But I did ask!!" Um...no. You made a show of asking but you knew what you were going to do no matter what I said. That's not asking.
You are not the girl's
You are not the girl's mother. It is not your responsibility to be her caretaker, her activity scheduler, her chauffeur, nothing. If her parents do not want to be parents, maybe they should not have had a child.
Anybody who made me feel bad for doing for my kids, would simply not be in my life.
My DH expected ZIP from me when it came to his daughter. If he wanted her to go to the park, he took her to the park. If he wanted her to eat, he fed her. He made her, I didn't.
I plan to have a conversation
I plan to have a conversation with him today so that we can establish some expectations regarding parenting or children. I no longer want my kids to miss out on fun activities or events because she's not with us. I also no longer want everyone to expect me to schedule for all of the kids.
He told me that I could have
He told me that I could have taken the time to sign her up for activities on the days her mother has her. I don't know if he has realized how ridiculous he sounded. When I didn't respond or react to that, he finally told me he would sign her up for activities in her area and take her. He was hoping to upset me by being away from us on one of his unscheduled days with her.it didn't upset me because I don't mind the time away from him plus I know he doesn't like the two hour commute after a long days work.
Take skids to Doctor ? Sign
Take skids to Doctor ? Sign them up for activities ? Are u kidding me ? Time for this guy and the BM who is not working to put on the parent pants and be parents !
I haven't made as much as a sandwich for skids in 3 years and wouldn't piss on them if they are on fire and DH knows better to ask me to lift a finger for them . They are not orphans ! If they have a father and a mother , they will handle every single responsibility , period . Explain this to your fiancé and streadfastly refuse to parent kids that are not yours !
Eight words to repeat to his
Eight words to repeat to his every argument.
I am not her mother or her caregiver.