Fall vs Spring Activities

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DH and BM recently signed an amended parenting agreement. In this agreement, they agreed that BM would enroll and fund all costs for one fall sport or activity. DH will enroll and fund all costs for one spring activity.

In the past, each skid has played a sport in the fall and done an alternate activity in the spring (dance, art lessons, etc). They get to pick and that's how it's just worked out so far. Each activity has cost about $100 and ran for about 10 weeks, not including sports equipment.

BM enrolled SD8 in piano lessons to the tune of $95/month. The enrollment runs from September through June. She sent DH an email last night saying the registration fee is $200 and it covers the cost of the equipment and the first month's fee. She wants DH to pay half since this will "clearly" be the fall AND spring activity.

DH replied saying only, "I will pay for the costs of the spring activity I enroll the girls in, in accordance with our custody agreement."

If SD8 is adamant that she wants to continue piano lessons as her spring activity, DH will discuss payment then. He cannot afford that additional cost every month for all spring months (Jan - June is what we suspect BM thinks he'll pay). Their agreement is clear that each parent is responsible for the activity to the extent that the cost and schedule is reasonable for all parties.

I know it seems petty .. but count on BM to find the ONE ongoing expensive activity for SD8 that ALSO just so happens to interfere with DH's pick up time every Friday. This shit is so intentional I can just imagine her snickering as she sent the email.

SD6's activity has not been selected yet.

if the parenting plan is

if the parenting plan is crystal clear that HE gets to choose the SPRING activity, then he is under no obligation whatsoever to fund the spring activity that BM chooses.

honestly, kids today whether from broken or intact homes need to be told "no" more often with regard to activities if the parents simply cannot afford it.

this 8 year old can be as "adamant" as she wants, but she does not control your household budget and just because she wants to do something doesnt mean its going to happen. sometimes parents have to say "im sorry, but we just cant afford XYZ this year".

Totally agree. And DH does

Totally agree. And DH does not have any qualms telling SD8 no. However, we don't really think SD8 will even like piano lessons .. it's really not her. I suspect this will resolve itself when she grows tired of it.

BUT, if she says that's what she wants to do, DH will discuss covering a portion of the cost since it is outside the realm of affordability for him. If BM does not want to share the cost, SD8 will not continue in those lessons.

i personally think its a very

i personally think its a very slippery slope for him to cover any portion. but that's just me.

I completely agree. But at

I completely agree. But at this point, we'll just cross that bridge when we get there. This "compromise" was only discussed between us, so he still may draw a hard line and say no completely.

The flip side is, what if this is really what SD8 wants to do? If the parents are able to work out an affordable arrangement, is it better for the kid to remove her from the activity she likes and put her in a different one .. just because he legally can? Realizing, of course, that there will be nothing easy about reaching a compromise with BM ..

if you are used to paying

if you are used to paying $100 for an activity, then i highly doubt if this piano thing costs $95 a month that BM will be happy with a compromise of $20/month.

Well then he just can't

Well then he just can't afford it and SD8 will have to do something else.

If the activity BM signed them up for is not affordable for DH, but he wants to try and continue said activity for the spring, the best he can do is ask BM to share the costs. If she's not willing to do that, then they'll simply need to find a new activity.

BM is never happy. I honestly believe she does half the crap she does JUST to put DH in a position to say no or contradict her. She thrives on the conflict.

She signed the agreement and

She signed the agreement and then she goes against it. She is a super special BM.

She is PISSED. Her very next

She is PISSED.

Her very next email, following DH's response, was "I still haven't received my CS payment, when can I expect that".

Well BM, because you INSISTED on having the funds withheld from his paychecks (which he also supported), you now get the pleasure of contacting the state to figure out how to receive your payments. DH has been paying via payroll withholding since last month. This is the first month he doesn't have to pay her directly. He has confirmed with his attorney that he is under no obligation to do anything further.

Oh I know it. DH is very

Oh I know it. DH is very careful to try and schedule things ONLY on his time, which is damn near impossible now. But we do our best to minimize intrusion on BM's time. Mostly because she just won't bring the skids anyway .. so he ends up paying for an activity they miss out on.

Imagine a world where exes really do get along and focus on the best interest of the kids, instead of how to make the other parent's life difficult?

you are under no obligation

you are under no obligation to take your child to an activity your ex signed them up for on your time unless you want to.

I do agree with this. But

I do agree with this. But the reality is that there are simply no activities that fall 100% on either parent's time in our situation. Joint custody just doesn't make that possible.

I think it's shady when either parent intentionally pick activities that predominantly fall on the other parent's time .. especially when they are activities the kids have never expressed any shred of interest in ..

With kids who have done

With kids who have done almost every sport you can imagine, I can tell you that less than 50% of the time have I even known when the activities would take place. The coaches pick the practice days, the games are different every week, and sometimes you don't even know what team they will be on until after sign ups. Now that I think about it, I've only known this stuff maybe 10% of the time before sign ups.

In the cases when it's

In the cases when it's unknown, it's different to me.

Specifically, BM has selected piano lessons this year. They are held every Friday from Sept 19 through June 12 from 3:30pm to 4:30pm at their school.

DH picks skids up from school just about every Friday. That will no longer be a possibility since one of them will be in lessons. So now DH gets to either show up and wait (he still has to get SD6 even if SD8 has lessons), or he can choose to meet BM at 6pm for drop off.

Neither alternative is crazy. But of ALL the activities BM could have picked, this is the one she chose. The school offers a different activity everyday, and their local rec league has a variety of sports to choose from. SD8 has never expressed even the slightest bit of interest in playing piano (or any instrument).

"you are under no obligation

"you are under no obligation to take your child to an activity your ex signed them up for on your time unless you want to"

This is the kind of thinking that perpetuates the stress for the children. We are obligated to do things for the children, which is to provide them as peaceful an upbringing as possible. When each parent automatically assumes that the other parent is only doing everything to get to the other parent, it's like living in constant hell. Imagine being the child.