Abusive Stepdaughter... any ideas?

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Here's the backstory, sorry if it's long. A little over 2 years ago, my husband and I got together. It was a whirlwind romance in which all four of us (my husband, his daughter, my daughter and myself) were all very very excited. My husband and his daughter had been through some terrible situations together in the past and so had my daughter and I, so we were all thrilled to death about having a family where everyone respected each other. The BM was in and out of drug rehab and until just recently and my husband has had full custody since she was 2. My daughter watched me go through an abusive relationship until I found a safe way out.
My stepdaughter was 10 and my daughter was 7 when we formed our "happy family". I was working for the first 1 1/2 years and didn't notice anything other than some normal sibling rivalry (she has my toy, she won't give my bike back, etc). I have SLE which made it difficult to take care of them the way I wanted to without needing to lay down frequently and still provide some of the income. My husband got a better paying job which allowed me to stay home Once I quit working, though, I started to notice some terrifying behaviors in my stepdaughter.
Suddenly, it seemed like everyday I was dealing with unacceptable behavior. One day I heard my daughter crying in the shower. I asked her what happened. She told me my stepdaughter made her take a cold shower. I got down to the bottom of it, and cold or very hot showers were often a "punishment" for my daughter not doing what she wanted. She got into some trouble in the neighborhood where we were living after throwing rocks at a person's house for being a different race. I absolutely have no tolerance for racism. It has since come out that my stepdaughter has bullied a number of smaller children, taken their things away, etc. She mentioned wanting to stab a boy on the bus with scissors until he was dead, I have informed the school to keep an eye on her. She told me she wanted her father all to herself and she hates me, she has broken family heirlooms of mine. She talks about sex very often, specifically wanting every boy in the world to have sex with her. To my daughter she has hit, punched, taken her food when I wasn't looking, shoved her, the "shower" issues as mentioned above, destroyed pictures of my daughter and some of her other family and threatened to hurt her in other ways. I found out today that she had threatened my daughter with a knife about a year or so ago. I asked her if she was still doing these things, she said no, she'd get caught because I watch her all the time. There is absolutely no remorse.
We put my stepdaughter in counseling about a month or so ago. Her therapist doesn't think she has any mental disorders. She hasn't shown any improvement yet, and I didn't expect overnight improvement, but I don't know what to do now, after finding out about the knife threat. On the one hand, I think my stepdaughter has been through more than she's telling us (my husband's ex's son was violent) in her past and I really want to help her find peace within herself and overcome her past. I had been abused growing up and want to help her before she follows my path (allowing yourself to be abused over and over) or worse, become even more of an abuser than she already has and really hurt or kill someone. On the other hand, I feel like my daughter is in danger. I feel like my stepdaughter presents herself as a nice girl to everyone, and they don't believe she's capable of having these thoughts. I was fooled for almost two years, and I was with her every day. My daughter admits to being terrified to tell on her, which makes it even harder to see what's really going on. Part of me feels like there's still hope for my stepdaughter who is nothing more than an abuse victim herself, and it would only add fuel to her fire if she gets what she wants (her daddy) by being violent. Sending her to her mother (the newly recovered addict) would only create more problems. A larger part of me wants to take my daughter and run before I find out what my stepdaughter really is capable of! But my daughter and my husband love each other so much, especially since her biological father terminated rights and is not in the picture. She thinks of my husband as her father. I feel trapped on all sides by a situation in which I have all the responsibility and none of the rights. Besides waiting and hoping and keeping them separated every second that I'm not in the room, what should I do? What CAN I do?

It does sound like your SD

It does sound like your SD has some SERIOUS problems. I understand your daughter is very close to your DH. My eldest daughter was close to my SO but his daughter was bullying her and my son. Though it was NOTHING compared to what your daughter is having to go through, I went right to my SO and I left! I didn't sign up to have my kids tormented by his and his lack of parenting (and when I mean lack of parenting I mean my SO.) Your daughters safety is top priority. I would talk to your DH about seeing what you can do to remove SD from the house for now. She sounds like she needs help. If DH doesn't agree, I would pack my things (along with your daughters) and be out the door.

I'm sure that your husband

I'm sure that your husband loves your daughter just as much as she loves him, so hopefully he will understand the seriousness of the situation. Have you considered putting your daughter is counseling as well? I would suggest that because she is obviously afraid of SD and therapy might help her deal with those feelings. This is an issue that concerns the whole family so perhaps group sessions would be helpful as well, once your daughter felt comfortable enough to speak of these things in front of SD.With therapy and you and DH working together to show the girls your comittment to the family and working out this serious issue, maybe SD will be able to let go of this negativity and begin to treat BD with the love and respect that she deserves. That's a tough and serious problem you are dealing with, good luck with everything!

I'm sure that your husband

IF you dont want to leave I

IF you dont want to leave I would just supervise he 24-7. If the girls share a room-move one out-even if it means your dd sleeps on the floor of your room where you can make sure she is protected. Put an alarm on the door of your sd so that you know when ever she leaves her room. I am assuming that your husband is on board with all of these precautions as well. Just never allow her to be alone or have access to your dd-I know that is hard in a home-but it is eventually what I did with my ss who threatened to kill my son. My son slept in my room, I allowed my son to go out and play after school-sorry but I made ss stay inside where I could watch him at all times because he couldnt be trusted. If we went to the ball park-ss had to sit right next to me at all times. SS was aware that his behavior got him to that point. Eventually in our situation he moved out with his bm. We had an extended period of no visits-about a year and then eowe and now we are back to no visits. He did not do any MAJOR things while we did eowe visits (no death threats) but there were enough physical incidents that it has caused me to be concerned and like your sd he never has had any remorse for any of his actions-so my dh will go to visiting ss away from our home. Keep sd in therapy-put your dd in therapy so perhaps she can feel comfortable sharing everything and the therapist can help teach her what to do if she feels threatened again.

Oh, and one more thing-even

Oh, and one more thing-even if your therapist said that she does not have a mental disorder that does not mean she is A-OK. It may just mean that she is a big bully with no conscience and that she has no underlying mental disorder that causes her to be this way.

Your situation sounds so

Your situation sounds so painful. I think it's wonderful you feel compassion for your stepdaughter. On the other hand, only one in eight abuse victims grow up to be abusers. So being abused doesn't make someone abusive. My stepdaughter was spoiled, not abused. She abused me and her bio family members right up to the point where firm limits and consequences were set. At that point, she "punished" me by not talking to me for three years...

I'm curious about why/how children and teens present as not having a conscience. I'm skeptical about the "psychopath" or "sociopath" label and wonder if teens can just get very removed from their true selves, through drugs, spoiling, abuse, peer pressure--whatever negative influences they have in their lives. There's something to be said about the old-fashioned concept of sin and corruption by the devil--people go down this path and only get worse until they surrender their will and turn around. My stepdaughter appeared without conscience. Now, as an adult, she does show some shame about her past behavior. So, setting limits and giving clear, natural consequences are step one: stop the acting out. The teen won't process what's really bothering her until she can't act out her rage. So, I'd say your SD must have clear limits and consequences for abusing your daughter. One reasonable limit is that SD doesn't spend time alone with BD. Then I'd suggest spending positive time with the SD and making sure she doesn't feel like she's a monster. (If she does have a conscience, she must feel terrible about herself.) Also, SD needs positive ways to feel good about herself--this I consider an absolute must. Only when she is not allowed to act out (abuse others) and when she feels loved and supported and competent will she have the ego strength to deal with the abuse she's suffered herself. Right now it sounds as if she has nothing to hold onto. I'd also suggest something like Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which teaches interpersonal skills, boundary setting, etc. If you haven't money for a therapist or can't find DBT, there are books that can be ordered online. And maybe some spiritual outlet? Church, synagogue, mosque? Weekly family prayer sessions?

I'd also suggest counseling for your bio daughter!

But here's my bias: I believe the innocent must be protected first. I was abused by my older brother. Sure, there were reasons for his behavior. But my father didn't set limits or give consequences--indeed, my father was in collusion and was abusive himself. I don't see my family any more. There's no excuse for any family member abusing another, ever. An abusive teen will only grow up to be an abusive adult if not stopped.

God bless you and your family!

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