Hi everyone,

I am desperately looking for help -

I've been married for a year and a half. I have a daughter in 1st grade, husband has two sons, 1st and 3rd grade. We live outside of the US.

The boys are with us for alternating weeks, every other week at their mom's.

The boys are sweet and bright, but are being negatively affected by their mom and whatever crap she's going through at the moment. She has a revolving door of boyfriends, is very insecure and "barks" to hide it. She uses the kids as pawns to get her way and serve her own needs. She rarely works, hasn't as long as I've been around, and instead relies on a rich welfare system to support her as a single mother while she lives off the boyfriends that move in with her temporarily. She has a new flat screen, can go on vacations, but my husband and I have well-paying full time jobs in addition to a business, but our TV is 10 years old, as we are paying off the debt she incurred on a bad house purchase while they were together, and has never contributed to herself, as she was "out of work". We have approx. 100k to go before the debt is fully paid off and we can purchase our own home. We currently rent. She is very talented at manipulating the system and the people around her to get what she wants.

Our oldest son has picked up on her ways. He is a little sensitive, and is very insecure, but has weeks where he takes more risks and can be a social butterfly at times. However, he is having issues that we can't get to the bottom of, where he is hurting the smaller kids when he has bad days, and he lies so frequently (and about such insignificant things) that I'm not even sure if he can stop. He's obviously protecting himself and doesn't yet have a good handle on channelling emotions, but we can only work with him every other week, as his mother will not believe that anything is wrong and refuses to cooperate. Every week, on the first day we get him back, we start from Square One again. (The system is on her side, as a mother, so that's not an option for us).

Today, he's sick. The two smaller kids were invited to birthday parties, so they're going while he stays home. He told the smallest yesterday that his dad called to say that she couldn't come to the party, and asked if she'd rather stay home and play with him (which I was not aware of), then today, came up and told me that the smallest said she "didn't want to go and would rather stay home with him". When I asked her, she said "but he said I couldn't go to the party!" and the whole story came out. He's already had a bad week and gotten a few time outs. We've spoken with him about what it means to manipulate and lie, and that it is not acceptable, and for now, he's been sent up to his room.

However, I have no idea what to do. We're trying to get him therapy, but the wait is slow. If we ask him about what's bothering or how he feels, we get a flat surface, without emotion, and he won't tell us anything. He's not autistic, he's just getting very good at acting. We desperately want to help him, but don't know how to get through to him, or how to show him what he's doing and how to punish the lies and manipulation.

Sorry this is long. I'm so frustrated, and at the end of my patience.

Any advice would be great.

Thanks,
Apple