Interesting turn of events... Hospital Time
SD10 went into the hospital this week. It was tragic, a really bad asthma attack.
However, BF got an interesting view from this. He took off work to stay with her, so he was with her every hour. She was in a children's hospital and everything was about "making them feel special"
He had called me and asked me to bring them some stuff. I took it all to him with no question, I was worried about her too. I stayed for 3 hours and the whole time, she was engaged in some kind of activity with the staff or in the "play room"
Now before I get blasted, please read the whole post. I am not saying that it was a bad thing. There are a lot of kids that need attention like this, but come on! Even BF said, "she thinks it is a party!"
Now, when I was in the hospital, no one came in to keep me company, no one played games with me, no one made sure I had a stash of food in my tray. She got her lunch and it had 2 deserts on it! She didn't even TOUCH them!!! Now, when I mean no one, I mean no hospital staff. I had friends and family, but staff members did not make sure I was entertained like this. I mean it was NON-STOP! While I was there, she painted a wooden box, horse, a shrinky dink, and a star. THEN she went to the "play room" until she felt bad again... HELLO, YOU ARE IN THE HOSPITAL! Then some students came in and played candy land with her. After I left, there was a build by Home Depot that they got to make something and got an apron. She barely had time for her breathing treatments. She even tried to say that she was not ready to go home. She loved it there!
Ok, so I know, this sounds not so strange. When I talked to BF later about it, he was livid! He said, "I can't believe how much they made being in the hospital about HER!" I was dumbfounded myself he would say this. He has always been about "her". When she came home and we had dinner, he kept telling her, "you need to be quiet, it is not all about you anymore now that you are at home"
Everyone at the table was dumbstruck. He got to see what WE see him do. I am not exactly sure he took it this way, but that night instead of HER sitting next to him while watching TV, I WAS!
I am hoping that it might help change his perspective a little. We had just talked about how she is favored over the others the same day she went into the hospital. I can hope he can put 2 and 2 together here.
It was an interesting experience.
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Freedom! That's really
Freedom! That's really weird. I have severe asthma and I'm really surprised by what you wrote. For two reasons..
1. If she was so busy doing activities, she barely had time for breathing treatments, then maybe her asthma attack wasn't that bad. This is coming from someone that could only sit in a bed because walking was too much exertion for my breathing. Forget playing of any type. It was too much.
2. The only reason I can think they did this for her, was to not scare her and get her mind off of her breathing being bad. Anxiety could increase her asthma attack. So by getting her mind off of it, and doing something else to distract her, it could help bring the attack down. Personally, I had to learn to teach myself to calm down so I could judge how bad I was. For example, blowing into my hand (if I could blow air, I was still moving air)... counting to calm myself... and more. When I did those things, I was able to get myself back into a position to listen to my body and determine how bad I really was. It's sad, because the hospital intentions may have been good, but they are not teaching this girl asthma coping and recognition skills.
And I will agree with Druzzilla on this one... they are teaching this girl to love being in the hospital. So the next time she feels sick, you are going to have to determine if it's really warranted to go to the hospital or not. That's the scariest part for me from your story. Because with asthma you really can't judge that for someone.
There has to be a middle ground. When I went (a longgg time ago) , they did blood gas / oxygen level testing by taking blood from the artery in my wrist... meaning they had to go and dig down in there to get the artery... It was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. And after I did it once, I refused the test every time. Luckily, not long after that they came out with the little finger clip that reads oxygen levels. If your SD experiences anything like I went through.... she could start playing the games with her health that I have over the years out of the fear of going to the hospital (Catch 22!!). I didn't want to be intubated either. So I got massive drugs to bring me down on another instance.
I don't know what the right answer is... but all I could suggest is to call her asthma doctor and express your concerns.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Oh, she had the attack. The
Oh, she had the attack. The doctor says she is still wheezing. I have no doubt she is sick. However, how is letting them go to the "play room" and jumping around helping them? BF kept telling her to lay down and rest! She was to busy!!! LOL
I do feel bad that she had to go into the hospital, but I agree that she just wanted to go back. After she described it to my daughter, BD10 said, "That is the hospital I want to go to Mommy!"
I had asthma as a kid too. I got use to the needle sticks pretty quick. I do not want her to suffer, but to make it like a party? Some kids do need that, I guess I am just noticing this because she already has this at home from Daddy.
I hope this helps out the other kids in my home.
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm
Hey Freedom! Based on my
Hey Freedom!
Based on my experience, I truly believe that the one's who guilt parent realize to a certain extent that they are doing it, BUT they don't see the negative impact it can have on a child, and until they do see it, they will continue to guilt parent.
Maybe BF finally saw firsthand what guilt parenting looks like, since in this situation he was an outsider looking in.
I know that my BF realizes he guilt parents, he'll even say that he's a little more leniate on SD b/c she's not here as often......but he didn't see what it was doing to her, and how it was affecting her behavior and not only her behavior for now, but her behavior for years to come. It wasn't until SD said "My brother gets in trouble, but I never get in trouble by my Dad." that BF looked like he was slapped in the face when he heard this. This just happened last night so it's hard to tell if this opened his eyes or not, seems like it might have a little b/c SD finally got in trouble this morning for something, but we shall see.
Hopefully this has opened your BF's eyes a little, b/c it truly isn't doing these children any justice, not now and not as they get older.
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“The challenge is to help couples turn "I Do" into "We Can."
I am hoping so myself MM. I
I am hoping so myself MM. I like this little girl, she does have a good heart. I just don't want to see the misery it can cause them both, BF and SD10, in the future. BF knows he guilt parents. He says he feels guilty for them having their parents split up. I honestly think the kids are more accepting of our relationship than he is! LOL
I am lucky that once BF sees something that needs fixed, he is usually very good about keeping on it. When I brought up that my daughters felt left out he said, "Well, what do we need to do to fix that?" It blew me away. I tell him I feel our finances are out of balance, he says the same thing. He is very open to try to make the home a 'home' for us. He even said, when I was mentioning to him how SD10 was hard for me to discipline because I thought he would get upset if I tried, that he was afraid that I would be hard on her because of how I felt about their relationship. I informed him that I am very careful about that. I take into account what she has done before I try, just like all the other kids.
whew... lots to say today! MM, thanks so much for your reply.... our lives seem so similar, it is nice to know I am not alone in this. I am also happy that it seems we don't have just negativity in our homes.
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm