26 year old step-girlfriend of 2 boys (11 & 13)
I have been involved with these two boys for almost 3 yrs. I am 26, their father is 40. I love him dearly, but have had the worst time acclimating to "sharing" time with these boys every other week. We have them for 1 week, their mother for another.
the 13 yr old is beginning to be have teenager issues. He is a liar, and quite sneaky. I have finally made a nice connection with the younger one. which is nice.
We've been to a lot of couples therapy, indiv. therapy and went through a brief breakup.
It has just been so difficult to blend us all together. I know the boys really like me- But I have never been a BIG kid person (please, dont ask why then I got involved with someone who has them), But I did.
Is there anyone else out there with a similar situation?
Problems range... I KNOW the 13 yr old plays his parents. Even with stupid things like certain TV shows that are NOT appropriate for 13 yr olds to watch. (i.e. Breaking Bad: a show about the making of Meth). I looked on our Netflix acct and saw that he has been watching it. He never asked.
He told us last night that it's an awesome show, (we watch it, so we know), but his dad said he doesn't want him watching it. And the 13 yr old tries telling us that his mom knows he watches it and doesn't care. THIS IS SHOCKING... Bc she is a BIG worrier, doesn't like them seeing things about Sex..... But is perfectly fine with him watching a show about making drugs. I DOUBT IT.
But, my boyfriend just kind of says NOTHING- I told him he should be asking her why she finds that show appropriate. But, he tries NOT to talk to her if he doesn't HAVE to.
To me, this is crazy. It is a very relevant issue. He watches South Park too, and has been told not to. But he is a sneaky kid. (like many 13 yr olds are, I know).
Which leads to the main issue... Things that I find very important, my boyfriend will just try not to think about or DEAL with ESPECIALLY if he needs to interact with his ex to deal with it. IT DRIVES ME FRIGGIN' NUTS!
Any comments? Advise? I AM VERY OPEN to hearing it straight. I am young- And not the biggest kid person ever.... But I have been told by a few therapists I have great parenting in-sight, and things that I am concerned about are perfectly normal.
please help!
The thing is that you are not
The thing is that you are not the parent or even the stepparent. If two parents want to let their 13 year old watch south park why do you care? I dont mean that in a mean way-but just because YOU think south park is not appopriate for 13 year olds some people really dont care. If there are issues of blatant disrespect-as in skid disrespects you or treats you poorly and your dh doesnt get it, or if he is clearly doing inappropriate things like drugs or such then I could understand that you would want to weigh in on these subjects, however, tv programs are just not that big of a deal. If this was the only problem I had in my stepfamily I would certainly be rejoicing from the rooftop.
My guess is that your boyfriend just doesnt feel like this is a big enough issue to have to talk to bm about. Apparently he does not like speaking to her and since this is not a huge issue he lets it go. As far as the 13 year old manipulating and sneaking-I think you are right and most kiddos do this to some degree.
See, I KNOW logically.... you
See, I KNOW logically.... you ARE RIGHT. I have asked myself a MILLION times "why do I care?!"
and I've tried coming up with reasons such as the fact that he is beginning to be very sneaky. Recently his mother found $300 hidden in his room- and come to find out over the last 8 months or so, he has been stealing fireworks from his father and SOLD them to his friend (who, mind you- has ZERO parental supervision), and I don't even think he should be allowed to go to that boys house bc he's just always getting into trouble there.
So, I guess my reasoning for caring about him watching really inappropriate tv shows is he is simply TOO YOUNG to be introduced to the making of Meth. AND I KNOW his father agreed with me.... but bc the kid said "What? I watch it mum's house- She said it's fine"... then my boyfriend just stopped there- and was planning on just letting him watch it bc HE SAID bm said it was ok.
BUT, the truth is, THAT is where he is SO sneaky... bc there is NO WAY his bm would approve it UNLESS when he was there he said to her, "what?! I watch it at dad's house-He said it's fine!" OR...BM just doesn't know he is watching it AT ALL.
So, really- they Both DO care.. but bc they don't like talking to each other, the kid gets away with what he wants, bc he plays them against each other. And I think THAT'S what I see, and it bothers me SO MUCH for some reason. I have known for a while that he is a sneak, and like most parents, they choose not to see it. But the $300 incident really didn't surprise me one bit.
soooo.... the result is that I keep asking my bf to just email the bm to ask "Ya know, he said you told him he watch it... Do you really think it is appropriate for him to watch this show?" Bc if she answers that, NO, actually I didn't even know he was watching it and I never said it was ok for him to watch it, then at least they will see that he was lying all along. And THAT'S the behavior they look past OFTEN, and he needs to be caught and held responsible AND the parents clearly need to have better communication bc it is there fault he has been allowed to do this.
I don't know- I KNOW it sounds stupid and petty, but I've learned that if I don't show my concern, he would just let ALMOST anything go just not to have to deal with it or BM. And to me, that is lazy parenting.
See, I KNOW logically.... you
See, I KNOW logically.... you ARE RIGHT. I have asked myself a MILLION times "why do I care?!"
and I've tried coming up with reasons such as the fact that he is beginning to be very sneaky. Recently his mother found $300 hidden in his room- and come to find out over the last 8 months or so, he has been stealing fireworks from his father and SOLD them to his friend (who, mind you- has ZERO parental supervision), and I don't even think he should be allowed to go to that boys house bc he's just always getting into trouble there.
So, I guess my reasoning for caring about him watching really inappropriate tv shows is he is simply TOO YOUNG to be introduced to the making of Meth. AND I KNOW his father agreed with me.... but bc the kid said "What? I watch it mum's house- She said it's fine"... then my boyfriend just stopped there- and was planning on just letting him watch it bc HE SAID bm said it was ok.
BUT, the truth is, THAT is where he is SO sneaky... bc there is NO WAY his bm would approve it UNLESS when he was there he said to her, "what?! I watch it at dad's house-He said it's fine!" OR...BM just doesn't know he is watching it AT ALL.
So, really- they Both DO care.. but bc they don't like talking to each other, the kid gets away with what he wants, bc he plays them against each other. And I think THAT'S what I see, and it bothers me SO MUCH for some reason. I have known for a while that he is a sneak, and like most parents, they choose not to see it. But the $300 incident really didn't surprise me one bit.
soooo.... the result is that I keep asking my bf to just email the bm to ask "Ya know, he said you told him he watch it... Do you really think it is appropriate for him to watch this show?" Bc if she answers that, NO, actually I didn't even know he was watching it and I never said it was ok for him to watch it, then at least they will see that he was lying all along. And THAT'S the behavior they look past OFTEN, and he needs to be caught and held responsible AND the parents clearly need to have better communication bc it is there fault he has been allowed to do this.
I don't know- I KNOW it sounds stupid and petty, but I've learned that if I don't show my concern, he would just let ALMOST anything go just not to have to deal with it or BM. And to me, that is lazy parenting.
This is just my opinion, and
This is just my opinion, and I'm going to be blunt so I hope you are not offended. While I understand the significant role that these kids play in your life, and that you are now a member of this family, you are not a stepparent. You are dad's girlfriend. So take some stress off yourself and stop worrying about any kind of parenting, behavioral, or character issues. If the kids were younger, I would not tell you this, but since they are teenagers and will be out of the house sooner than you can blink an eye, I see your role here as the fun girlfriend (And please don't take that as diminuative or minimalizing how much a member of the family you are). You be 26; do what you enjoy doing; talk to them if they want to talk, go to the movies as a family, go to the mall, but leave worrying and parenting to the teenagers parents.
That is actually sort of nice
That is actually sort of nice to hear. "Be 26" YOU'RE SO RIGHT....
It's just harder than it sounds. Idk why i can't just let things go, and let it roll off.
I appreciate your bluntness.