It's great that you were honest with your SO. He has to decide if he can live with your parenting style. If he can't, he should do the smart thing and walk away.

You can't force him to love your kids the way you do and he can't force you to change your parenting style.

Wait - you CHOSE to reproduce with men who do not even give your daughters the time of day and you expect a man who had absolutely NOTHING to do with bringing them into the world to put them on a pedestal and worship them? You are the person that chose shitty dads for them. Once is a mistake, twice is a habit.

It's not realistic. You cannot make yourself love anyone - not even the children of someone that you love. He should be fair, kind, polite and respectful to them. But you cannot demand that he adore them like you do.

If that is truly a requirement for a man to be in your life (that he must adore your daughters like they were his own) that is certainly your right but you MUST tell a man that on the first date - not after you are already in a committed relationship.

You may be able to find a man who wants to co-parent with you. But you are being very, very dishonest when you didn't make this clear up front.

The vast majority of non-parents (and even parents) have no interest in parenting another's children. Being a parent is a hard, hard job. Almost no rewards for non-parent.

Not sure what you expect anybody to say without more to your 'story'. What's his frustrations? What extent of 'co=parenting' do you expect out of him?

You don't have to be an SM to vent here. Stepfamilies the whole situation is so hard, both parties are bound to be frustrated. I'll give you my point of view. I don't have kids either (except for the two furry ones).

But I disagree about your expectations of your SO that he should co-parent. What does that mean. He's not their dad and it's not his job. He did not have the years that you had to bond with them, and have you given him full authority to co-parent? Can he discipline them and you'll back him up 100%. If not, then don't expect him to coparent, because that's not fair.

My SO was so hurt when he realized I did not want to parent SS (translation, I did not want to kiss SS16's ass). Many bio parents want their partners to parent their kids when it comes to fun stuff, like spend time with them, have fun with them, play with them, have long, meaningful conversations with them, but they do not want us to correct them or parent when it comes to discipline. Oh no! My SO wanted to dictate when and how I could bond with SS. I had some news for him: SS has a mom already, although a crappy one, and I certainly don't want to be SS' mom, and I'm not going to kiss SS' butt and fawn over him and adore him, and all that stuff. Im just not good at that. SS is weird and creepy and has hygiene issues, he's gross and I'm not touching him.

SO also wanted me to be SS' therapet, and bond with SS to help SS come out of his shell because SS has no social skills and will only do activities outside the house with his dad. I told SO that's not my job, there are professionals for that. SO got mad at me because he felt I ignored SS. No, I just find it extremely awkward to be around him, SS is totally weird. And SS also ignores me, and pretends I'm not in the room when he talks with SO. Relationships are a two way street. SS and I have nothing in common, he can't hold a conversation unless he's rambling on about his video game characters, as if they're his real friends because he has no real friends, and I mean zero friends.

My SO gets frustrated with SS16, and so do I. But it seems like my SO forgets that I have just as much right to be frustrated as he does. I have to live with this kid every day for the entire year, except one month. But when I show my frustration, suddenly I'm unreasonable and I'm just not used to having kids, or I hate is son, etc. No, SO, I'm just frustrated and annoyed because your son, who never leaves the house, never does anything but play xbox and always competes with me for attention is---yes---annoying! He's not a bad kid, but he's a 10 year old in a 16 year old body. That's tough to live with.

And yes, I get that SO and SS are a package, I would never expect SS to be out of the picture he'll always be a part of SO's life. But just because I voice concerns about SS and setting boundaries, like not monopolizing the living room with Xbox and staying out of my bedroom, does not mean I want to get rid of SS. Yet, my SO accuses me of that everytime I want to talk about rules and boundaries with SS.

On the other hand, there are some of us no-kid stepparents who very well may have unrealistic expectations. So if that's your SO, then he needs to get real and let go of the fantasy that it's just gonna be you and him. But of course, I recommend you prioritize your one on one time with your man so that he knows he doesn't always come last behind your girls.

Just take this as a different point of view, and it's not meant to let your SO off the hook. He's a part of your family and he needs to realize that. But let him at least feel like he has a say on what role he plays in this family. My SO wanted to determine what role I played, but only I can do that. SO's come around to that idea, but it's taken some time. And my relationship with SS is between me and SS, not SO, as long as I'm not being cruel or abusive, and I'm being polite and civil. I told my SO he needed to back off and quit pressuring me to bond with his weird 16 yo son with whom I have nothing in common.

All too often the bio parent realizes what horrible choices they made in choosing the other bio parent and wants a new partner to step in and have a "redo". They want to pretend that the new partner is the new parent. Of course it is frustrating to everyone. Because it is just not realistic.

Co-parenting is for the two parents. It is the rare situation where a non bio steps in to effectively co-parent. Especially when the kids are older. They do not want a new parent at 16 or 17.

Woah I think it is unfair to place blame on BM that the bio fathers are not involved with their children. My 4 kids have had no contact with their bio father (despite my attempts to nurture some kind of relationship with him and his family). Yes it's hard for me to fathom as a parent myself but there are bio parents, both male and female, who really do just walk away from their children and pretend they never existed. And I don't think expecting SO to help fill a parent role with her kids is inappropriate either. My fiancé has more than filled that role with my kids. He is loving and nurturing and also disciplinary when necessary. They think of him as their dad (though of course still care for their BD despite not having any contact) Some people are just not good for the parent role (step parent or otherwise) if that's the case I think it is perfectly justified to determine that now and make the decision to move on rather than waste everyone's time and cause emotional damage by pretending. Kudos on wanting the best for your kids and being careful in your decision to keep someone around your kids who doesn't also want the best for them. I agree the feelings for step children are not the same as for bio children. Not necessarily less, just different. That said he should be able to care for them enough to want to be involved in helping them grow and mature. If not, move on. There are great men out there who are willing to be a good role model and "parent" children who do not share their genetic makeup.

OK, here goes ...

I have no advice to give you since I am not a parent. This is a forum for non-parents dealing with stepkids. So I will pretend it's your SO on here, and he is the one asking for advice. Here's what I'd tell HIM:

This may not be a situation that will get better with time, even when the skids get older. If you are feeling frustrated now - just wait. Your SO has made it clear that her children are and always will be her priority. That is her prerogative to feel and act that way. Make no mistake because she has clearly said so: she resents your frustrations towards her kids and considers your opinions to be "rants."

Even if you were to sacrifice huge portions of your life to "helping" her raise her children (under her rules) still make no mistake. They will always be HER children and she will be sure to let you know that. Keep in mind that their birth fathers may nor may not wind up making an entrance at any point in their lives. Even though you may sacrifice much for them and her, you may never take on the role as their father. Never.

So. Here's my advice to you, good man. Consider what you want in your life, now and in the future. If it is happiness, and you are not getting it in your current relationship after this time - you probably never will.

Your SO has said your happiness is paramount to her, and if that means breaking up - then so be it. I suggest you take her advice and find a woman without children, or who is in a healthier, more balanced place with her children and is willing to accept what you offer, and move on.

Short answer-Bottom line is your kids come first. If your relationship with your SO compromises your ability to fulfill your obligations to your children, he has to go. However, there is a difference between interfering with your obligations to your children and just not wanting to be very involved with your children. The one is okay, the other is not.
Long answer- All kids are annoying at times. BUT bioparents have the ability to love their kids in spite of the annoying things they do. Stepparents have a much harder time doing that because they have no bond with your kids. Sometimes one will develop, but it is a very long and often painful process. It's also easier when the kids are young. There's not a lot to like about teen drama,rebellion and attitude, which is often taken out on the stepparent as the easiest target.
My advice is to talk to your SO. Let him know you will not tolerate him treating your children with anything less than kindness and respect but that you have his back with the kids. Do not allow the kids to run the show. He should have at least the same authority as a teacher. He can establish rules and consequences that are reasonable but do not include physical punishment or yelling. Anything more needs to be turned over to you to handle and you need to handle it. Work issues with the kids out together not in front of them, they will sniff out and exploit any dissension in the ranks.
Then, talk to your kids and let them know you will not tolerate them treating your SO with anything less than respect. They don't have to treat him like a father, but he is an adult authority figure. Which means at minimum he needs to be treated with the same respect a teacher or extended family member would receive.
In time they might bond or they might not, but that is not the main goal. The main goal is to be able to peacefully coexist so that you can maintain your relationships with both your kids and your SO. Eventually the kids will be out of the house and how you handle things now will dictate how everyone gets along later.

Wonder how many responses (excluding pedophiles) one would get on a dating site where a firm requirements was "must co-parent 11 and 17 year old daughters whose bio fathers have nothing to do with them."

"the definition of love to me is that i love him enough that i place his happiness above my own and if his happiness means that we have to split then so be it. i would hold no anger if he was honest enough to tell me he couldnt handle it. because I brought these kids into this world and i owe it to them to give them the best life i can." ......

I think you have nailed it with the above statement and I would respect you for that. I guess it would not be easy letting him go, but if it is in both your best interests then so be it. I wish you well.

Personally I think your issue sounds less like he's not a good parent figure than it is that you probably have certain insecurities about how harsh a parent should be, and that his harshness translates to not love.

My dad (bio, still married to my mom) demanded we also remember and do things after being told ONCE. My mom didn't. Different parenting styles. He was way harder on us than our mom was and you know what? We needed that too. Obviously since we're biologically related, our mom didn't have the same insecurities that he was being harsh on us just because we weren't his. They got into fights over it occasionally as well but came to a compromise. My dad's expectations weren't wrong, neither were my mom's slight looseness with us (we're also two girls.) So they had to compromise--my dad would promise to be a bit more lenient, my mom would promise to be more on top of us. That's how a relationship works.

You have it better with him than many others in your situation do. If your only complaint is that he expects them to be mature adults, then you probably need to take a look at the basic foundation in that the fact that he wants that for them means he cares--if I didn't care, I'd let the kids run wild and laugh at them behind their back, because not my kids, what do I care if they grow up to be people others can't respect? What do I care if they turn out stupid or mean or irresponsible?

You guys need to talk it over and communicate better and COMPROMISE. I'm sorry but your expectations of him are very high for someone in his position, probably not unlike his expectations of your daughters. So you're essentially doing what he's doing. Maybe both of you can step back, and talk about your FEELINGS. the fact that you feel he is still damaging them because they are "already damaged" enough goes to show that you have a tendency to want to excuse behavior due to their past, and that your perception of what causes "damage" is warped due to those experiences.

For all intents and purposes, looking at what you wrote, he IS a father figure. Slightly unemotionally available, but even intact families and older generation families have that--stoic fathers who only disciplined, and mothers who did the emotional nurturing.