Reaching a Breaking Point
Hello, I’m a newbie on here. I apologize for the long post but I am desperately in need of advice.
DH has 3 bio children (SD14, SS14, SD13), and all have different moms. So 3 bio moms to deal with. I have no bio children, but DH and I were planning on trying for a baby as soon as we got married, but those plans were dashed to pieces 36 hours before our wedding.
36 hours before our wedding, DH’s ex-wife called and dropped a bombshell that SD14 and SD13 had been having an incestuous sexual relationship with each other at night for about a year (both at ex-wife’s house and ours). Additionally, DH’s ex-wife informed us that SD14 and SD13 sexually abused a kindergarten girl. I considered calling off the wedding because that’s a hell of a bombshell, but I love my husband and felt like calling off the wedding would be impossible to explain to those attending and it felt like I would be abandoning the man I love during a profoundly horrific time.
Prior to this bombshell, we had the skids 50-60% of the time, giving DH and I lots of necessary alone time. Obviously, we immediately separated SD14 and SD13 after this bombshell, so I went from having about 150 skid free days per year to 12. DH has partial legal custody for SD14 so we put her into intensive counseling, which significantly helped (especially because she was sexually abused by her bio mom’s ex-boyfriend during the same timeframe she was having sexual relations with SD13). However, DH’s ex-wife refused to allow SD13 to see a therapist (DH has no legal custody), so SD13 has become a profoundly spiteful, foul, and toxic child. She is cruel to her brother and spews a steady stream of hate my way. Although I cannot stand her, I know she needs help (she’s started self-harming) but ex-wife says it’s a phase and will not authorize counseling. Ex-wife has struggled with substance abuse problems for about twenty years, so I suspect she has reservations about what would be revealed if SD13 was allowed to attend counseling.
I’ve tried to be patient, but this has taken an enormous toll on me. Dealing with CPS and law enforcement was an exhausting but necessary process. DH has understandably slipped into a moderate depression, so rather than being the wonderful, involved, and loving father and husband that he used to be, he comes home from work, naps for a few hours, eats dinner while playing video games, and goes back to bed for the night, leaving me to take care of bills, chores, skid parenting, cooking, and skid homework/distance learning, on top of being a full-time grad student. I sincerely appreciate that DH still goes to work but I can’t keep doing this.
With everything going on, DH and I have indefinitely postponed trying for a baby. We own a very small house with 3 bedrooms and 1 office (because we could not get approved for a reasonable mortgage loan since ex-wife got DH’s house in the divorce but refused to assume the mortgage which is still solely in DH’s name). We had been converting the office into a future baby’s room, but had to clear everything out in order to move SD13 and SD14 into separate bedrooms. I cried so hard the day we cleared out that room. Often while walking past that room, I see a dream dashed to pieces and I can’t help feeling resentful.
Honestly, my DH and skids are such a trainwreck right now that I frequently daydream about packing my things and driving off into the sunset. I stay because I still love DH and would feel so guilty if I left. However, I think I am reaching a breaking point. I’ve tried to set up family therapy or couples counseling, but DH says he is hesitant because the idea that counseling is an untapped option gives him hope that there’s one last option to save our family. Any advice you can offer for either sticking out this marriage or leaving would be deeply appreciated.
Welcome to the site!
I would feel more hope if, in this situation, your DH was facing up to what has happened instead of sticking his head in the sand and hoping it would all go away. Leaving counselling as an "untapped option" is precisely this, as is distracting himself with video games and escaping into sleep. Personally I wouldn't go into family therapy with such damaged children. Couples counselling, yes. If your DH takes some steps to address the situation with his children, the crisis in his marriage and his own mental health - by seeking professional help for the last two - then I would hold off ending it atm. But if he is not willing, I'd be getting my ducks in a row prior to leaving. One last thing is that this chap is probably not a good bet as a father, so you would be kissing goodbye your own hopes for a child if you stay with him. Are you prepared to do this? Again, if not, I would leave.
Thank you for the kind response
Thank you for the kind response- it truly helps to hear the perspective of another stepparent (especially since profoundly complicated situations like this can't really be discussed with friends or really anyone outside of therapy). I appreciate your advice for opting for couples counseling rather than family therapy- you're right, these kids are probably too damaged to benefit from any group/family style counseling. And I appreciate your candid thoughts about my own hopes for a future child. That will likely never be viable (or wise) in a situation like this. Never would have guessed in a million years that being a stepmom would be this challenging.
I give you a lot of credit,
I give you a lot of credit, there is no way I would have stayed to deal with all of these issues you had nothing to do with creating, especially since DH isn't stepping up. I would make a plan to leave, I don't think your situation is going to improve.
Thank you for the helpful feedback
I appreciate the feedback- while it feels emotionally counterintuitve to leave a man I still love, I know this is an unsustainable situation. And you're right, I had nothing to do with creating these issues so I suppose it really isn't my responsibility to try to mend this family. I'm sure I'm not the only stepparent who has found themselves in a twisted situation like this.
The big problem with trying to fix someone else's dysfuntion...
You're looking at this like issues you can potentially fix. Here's the problem: They don't want to fix it.
Other people can look at a family and realize how terrible it is. But try and fix it and they will fight you to the death to protect what they know. It's their life you're trying to change. It doesn't matter if it's for the better.
When a family is this messed up, even if you successfully rip off one band aid, you'll find a festering wound under there that causes more problems. And they'll blame you and resent you for upsetting their 'system'.
There is no solution to this, just years of problem solving to end up in a worse position.
Why does his ex-wife look
Why does his ex-wife look after a child who isn't hers? You said 3 kids with three bms but one of them had two together in her home?
Yes, I wondered about this
Yes, I wondered about this too.
That was my question too. I
That was my question too. I thought they had different moms?
And he had three kids so close together with 3 different women? I would not volunteer to be BM 4.
OP, if he won't take this seriously and get the necessary help, there is no safe way to bring a baby into this mess. Why would you feel guilty for leaving? If he wants you to stay he can take the necessary steps to make the home livable. This guy had serious poor judgement knocking up all these women, don't be a casualty of that.
I really hope this is one of
I really hope this is one of those beagles i've heard tell of.
Two 14-year-olds and a 13
If not, two 14-year-olds and a 13-year-old with three different women? That is some serious wild oat sowing.
That part didn't phase me...
That part didn't phase me... I actually know a guy from High School that had 3 women all pregnant at the same time and already one other kid who was 4/5 when they were all knocked up. He traveled for work and had a warm bed in each city he regularly went to.
The incest and CPS not getting involved is what got me figuring this was a bit of a tall tale.
To poster justmakingthebest:
And to the poster justmakingthebest: I urge you to read people's posts all the way through prior to labeling them as "a bit of a tall tale." Your evidence for saying this about mine is "CPS not getting involved" but if you would have read my original post completely, you would have noticed that both CPS and law enforcement were absolutely involved. While everyone makes mistakes, I urge you to be careful when deciding to label something as a "tall tale" especially for posters desperately seeking support from this stepparent community. Perhaps take a moment to review this website's etiquette. Based on your posts, it looks like you have a challenging and complicated step parenting situation to navigate as well, so I wish you the best and hope you are able to find the support that you need.
It's Complicated
You are right- it sounds foolish that I would have ever considered being bio mom number 4 (just the sound of it makes me cringe a little). However, when I first started dating DH, I made an effort to accept his past mistakes and not hold them against him especially since he was actively involved in his kids' lives and candidly owned up to his mistakes.
Although DH made a string of seriously terrible decisions as a young adult about 15 years ago, he did try to fix his life (finished college, went on to get an MBA, stopped drinking/smoking, joined CrossFit, held down a decent job, etc). I fell in love with him because here's this handsome and fit guy who quit his vices, is book smart, and had a good job. I think I chose to focus on his positive qualities rather than considering the insane amount of baggage that comes with 3 bio moms who came from that same circle of people making terrible life choices with DH fifteen years ago. God I wonder how many other stepmoms made a similar mistake by looking past the baggage.
Obvioulsy this twisted situation has changed everything and DH (understandably) has become a detached, depressed shell of the guy I married. Deep down I know leaving is the best choice for me, but I feel guilty leaving DH while he's struggling so much. Full disclousure, I also feel guilty because he got a vasectomy reversal right before we got married so we could try for a baby, so I suppose it feels cold to walk away since so many child-free stepmoms have pleaded with their husbands for years to get a reversal. But as people here have mentioned, bringing a baby into this profoundly screwed up mess would be completely unwise.
Thanks to everyone here for listening to this mess. This is the first time I've candidly shared my experience with this horrible situation, since incest/sexual abuse involving minor children isn't something a person can dicuss with friends, family, etc. Prior to posting here, the only people I'd spoken with about this were DH, the bio moms, CPS, and law enforcement, so your advice and thoughts have been very much appreciated.
Good Question
Good question- yes all 3 of DH's children have different bio moms. However, all 3 kids would frequently spend multiple days at DH's ex-wife's house (who is bio mom of SD13) because DH and his ex-wife were together for seven years, so all 3 kids spent a lot of time growing up around her (they all call her "mom") and continued to spend time with her after DH and his ex-wife got divorced. Obviously since all of this came to light, SD14 is not allowed to go to the ex-wife's house anymore. Apologies for not explaining this in my initial post.
Too many BM's and not enough
Too many BMs and not enough boundaries. You feel guilty leaving because you are a good person and you still care about your DH. But unless he handles his enormous baggage really well, it's going to affect your life in ways that are totally unfair to you. He got the reversal before all this hit the fan, right? Well, things have changed since then that make it unlivable for you. You can't bring a child into this mess of poor boundaries that yes, he helped create. I get stupid mistakes as a kid, but the truth is, they can haunt you forever. And deliberately bringing another child into it is not the way to go. Nor is staying because you feel guilty.
If it works for you, maybe separate for a bit and see how living apart goes.