Can the kids hatred for stepmom cause Dad to lose custody?
Question: Can my not great relationship with the kids harm husband's custody?
Backstory as short as I can keep it - husband and I have been married for 8 months. Not long after the wedding, his daughters (12 & 14) went ballistic and made a lot of unreasonable demands, accusations, and have made life difficult in general.
Husband had a really great relationship with the kids. Until he got into a relationship with me and the kids didn't like not having 100% of his attention. There are a lot of issues there due to his Disneyland Dad style of parenting. I went a long with it for a really long time but prior to the marriage the kids tested the boundaries, I didn't give in, but he sometimes would and sometimes wouldn't. As a result, the kids went from loving me to hating me. They claim they do not like how I treat them - because I don't let them get away with everything, I have done things like take away objects that could have caused harm to themselves or the house, however I have never yelled at them. Recently there are times I did get a little snippy with them after they yelled at me or gave me an attitude. Was it right? Probably not but things were getting incredibly difficult and my emotions got the best of me. One flat out lies about things I have supposedly said/done that I didn't. I'm not saying I am completely innocent but nowhere near where they make me out to be. Much of the problem is my husband's "who cares" attitude. He never had rules/boundaries/consequences and for many years felt that any type of punishment was borderline abusive. He is now re-thinking things and working on himself in that regard. However, when the kids would go to him and say "Stepmom is so mean!" he would automatically side with them because they need to be babied and sugarcoated at all times.
DH and I have gone to 2 counselors who said that he needs to change things and that their relationship/behavior is extremely unhealthy and that if things do not change he will be without a wife and eventually without kids.
SD's each have individual counselors but we do not know what is said during their sessions. Originally the started visiting due to one having suicidal thoughts/cutting and the other was becoming emotionally unstable...all due to their relationship with their BM. After we got married, the tables turned on us and we became the cause of their unhappiness. The one session DH went to, some outrageous claims were made by SD(14) and unfortunately he was so dumbfounded that he didn't say much to fight it. That counselor said that at this point she would side with the children for modified custody.
Fast forward to now - the kids are refusing to visit and lawyers are now involved. Their original claim was that it is because of me and how I treat them. Based on a lot of things they said, I truly feel there is so much more going on. DH kicked me out of the house as a result. I moved back in after a few days. We saw our counselor and she told him that I wasn't the one who has to change...they all do.
In my desperation that night, I text the kids and his ex-wife telling her I am very sorry all of this happened and I would love to be able to talk to the kids and work things out. SD14 and ex-wife both said that the reasons they do not want to come over have nothing/very little to do with me.
Lawyers are involved, kids are not visiting, DH and I are separated now (I moved out last week) and he doesn't think it's a good idea for me to go back to the house until we know what the actual reasons for them not coming over is. We do not know what she is going to list in the court papers regarding reasons she is asking for modified custody and withholding visitation. He is speculating a lot of things - me being one of them.
Both SD's have refused family counseling, when we say we need to talk about this stuff they decline, we know that there is a strong case of parental alienation going on. DH realizes that a lot of what he refused to change is now the cause of this, and he realizes that we need help with it all. He is going to demand court appointed family counseling at some point.
He is scared, I feel bad for him (at the same time I kind of don't) and I don't want him to lose his children. As much as he has hurt me I still love him and want our relationship to work.
Do I move out? File for divorce to appease them so he can regain custody?
File for divorce but not to
File for divorce but not to appease them. File to save yourself.
Seriously. This is a trainwreck you do not have the power to save. You just don't. The dysfunction was deep before you ever came along and you are being swallowed up by their quicksand.
It's very hard to do and I'm guessing you won't do it just yet but you will seriously save years of your life and your sanity if you do do it and do it now.
Tell your dh you're sorry that life together is not possible and you wish him the best. For all your sakes, you're bowing out.
Don't wait until you have a CPS file or even a criminal investigation.
You could've written this to
You could've written this to me a few years ago. So right
You're right. I don't want to
You're right. I don't want to and if he wasn't realizing the mistakes that were made then I wouldn't even consider going back.
But in the past week he HAS come a long way. I can even semi see that we shouldn't be living together until our tempers have cooled. However, it's not making me feel better. He says he loves me and wants me back but also wants his kids back. After today's conversation I feel like he is leaving it up to his ex-wife
Hypothetically though - could he lose custody because the kids do not like me? I can/will fight their accusations but if it will also cause him to lose them forever then I can't fight it.
I'm not a lawyer but I know
I'm not a lawyer but I know that going to court is very risky. You don't know what shenanigans the other side is going to pull and you don't know what cock-eyed world view the judge may have.
If you go to court and BM and sds say sweetly, "We don't like sm cuz daddy should only have time for us and no one else," of course he won't lose custody.
But that's not what will happen. They will give their best performances yet of trauma and accusations. Judge's mandate in family court is usually "best interests of the children" not what is "right, true, or fair." So you would be subjecting dh to a real risk of losing them.
Even if he won in court the PAS is already at atomic levels so exactly what would he be winning? BM/Skids won't give up until they "escape." There will be runaways, suicide attempts, accusations, and plain old fireworks to disrupt your home.
I know you love him. But there is just no winning here. The girls already have deep pathologies going on. You cannot fix them.
Thank you. This is what I
Thank you. This is what I needed to know.
The sad part is that the best
The sad part is that the best interest of the children is that they all (parents included) get an extensive amount of counseling to work through their problems. The things that their mom has told them as a result of the her hatred for DH is damaging. These kids are in the middle and it's going to turn out so badly.
No. The kids are refusing.
No. The kids are refusing.
The man kicked you out of
The man kicked you out of your home.
From that point on, whatever the issue with him and his kids isn't your concern. He was not interested in working through this WITH YOU. His answer was to get rid of the problem(YOU. Your husband has made it clear that your home is not your safe place.
No matter how much you love this man, you have to love and respect yourself more.
What if the girls told the
What if the girls told the judge that you abused them?
What if you are arrested and your life ruined all because you want this man (use that term loosely) to keep his kids?
No one changes in 1 week. You then say that you see big changes but he is still letting his EX call the shots.
He gave you an out, take it and find someone that wants you in their life, not only if his Mommies let you in his life.
It is very sad and
It is very sad and disappointing for you, all this stupid drama. Start making plans for what your new future will be, and focus on making your own plans. No man who loves and respects you would throw you out of your home.
You don't need these wackos in your future.
The marriage is over, your dh
The marriage is over, your dh kicked you out of the house there is really no coming out ok from that. Your dh on the other hand will run himself ragged trying to win the parental alienation game and being manipulated and used up one side and down the other. Parental alienation is a lot like the kids being kidnapped, it is pretty much over.
If I were you I would not
If I were you I would not give a sh*t if he loses his children, his imaginary balls, or anything else. Please, please, please start caring about YOUR welfare - not his. He's worthless.
I don't care how much you "looooove him". Many of us (me included) have been hopelessly in love with a man not worth of that love. You can stop loving anyone. I am not saying it is easy - but it can be done.
". I went a long with it for
". I went a long with it for a really long time but prior to the marriage the kids tested the boundaries, I didn't give in, but he sometimes would and sometimes wouldn't. As a result, the kids went from loving me to hating me."
You helped create the situation you now complain about. Way too many SMs arrive in a new relationship with a man with children and the woman fakes it.,, or as you say, "went along with it". Then here comes to wedding and once married SM lowers the boom and because she now has a ring on her finger, believes she can and/or will change everything. SM then has a husband and two kids standing there, looking at SM like she's the devil herself, saying to SM 'WTF, where the heck did you come from and what have you done with that wonderful lady you lead us to believe you were'.
They didn't change. They are and are behaving just as they always have. But suddenly you aren't having it. And the fighting and rebelling and stand-off begins.
The man boot you from the home. Do yourself a favor and stay gone. This isn't the man nor the family (aka stepkids) for you...they never were. The next man who catches your eye and he, too, happens to have kids , take your time. Be exactly who you are and tolerate nothing that you're not willing to tolerate and "go along with", not just for a while, but for the duration. If you spot those red flags that he's a lousy parent and a failure of ever being anything but a Disney parent or if the skids are damaged broken children stuck between two feuding bitter parents? Run like hell and don't look back. He isn't Mr. Right and his kids won't be 'fixed' by you.
Counseling and therapy can only do so much and from what you told of your situation and marriage here, well it isn't going to be all better after a bit of either.
I'm sorry this has ended poorly for you, but now get yourself out of this and go live your life. Find peace and happiness. After the tears and the initial heartache, you'll be glad you did.
No you don't file for divorce
No you don't file for divorce to appease them and so he can regain custody. You file for divorce because your DH is no man and is a failed waste of skin parent and no husband. Find yourself a partner who has some character and balls. It may not be too late for an annulment and for sure make sure you get everything you possibly can in the divorce.
Why on Earth would you chose to stay with a "man" who booted you out of your home in favor of his manipulative and toxic prior relationship spawn? You now know where you stand with him and in this marriage. Take care of you. Boot his ass and get that shallow and polluted gene pool out of your life.
Just my opinion of course.
YOU could not cause DH to
YOU could not cause DH to lose his children however I think the dynamic at play here, one that is stronger than any one individual, could if it continues down this path. I don't know if this is salvageable but please save yourself! The really sad thing here is that the children will learn, if they haven't already, that triangulation works really well...