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Partner trying to stop my travel plans

Ottis's picture

Hi guys im new to this so bare with me...im with my partner nearly 6 years now. He has two boys 9 and 7 i have no children. My passion is climbing mountains and i plan to climb a big mountain in nepal next year....it is my dream...something i think about every single day... the trip is for three weeks. He has now decided that he wants to come to and that i will have to change my dates to suit him because of his kids. NO why the hell should i. I have no kids and this is why i have no kids because i want to be able to do these trips. I have my flight booked they cost me neary 900 euro and he is expecting me to loose them to suit him...also his ex wife will hit the roof if he thinks he is going away for three weeks ....i dont understand why he cant just let me go alone as he know this is my dream. Am i been selfish....im 36 im not to sure if i want kids so i dont want to leave this trip much longer just incase i do decide i do want them as i feel my clock is ticking.

hereiam's picture

Tell him, "No."

Tell him that your plans have already been made and you are going alone. Stand your ground or this will become a reoccurring theme, he will always expect your life and plans to revolve around him and his kids.

tog redux's picture

Are you going to try to climb Everest?!  That's really cool. And dangerous.

Just tell him - you want to go alone, and you are keeping the dates as planned.  Don't let him talk you out of it.

Ottis's picture

No not going to climb everest yet....its a mountain called island peak...but will be stopping at everest base camp on the way....o yea he also said if i go were finished 

hereiam's picture

Oh, so now he's giving you an ultimatum regarding plans you've already made? Because you won't change them to suit him? Wow.

TrueNorth77's picture

So, an ultimatum about a trip you already had planned? Controlling much? It sounds like your decision has been made for you- it makes zero sense to waste the money you already put into this trip. If he wants to end your relationship because you don't do exactly what he wants, I guess that's on him. Meanwhile, you will be enjoying your dream trip and getting away from his controlling behavior.

tog redux's picture

If he'd throw away a 6 -year relationship because you want to take a solo trip, it's time to go. And he's willing to dump his kids on their mother for 3 weeks without even asking her first.

Nice guy.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

So lace up your hiking shoes, grab your gear, move everything out BEFORE you leave, then take a TON of photos to show how dang awesome your trip was!!!

An ultimatum because you're accomplishing your dream. Disgusting.

Survivingstephell's picture

You can do better than him and his spawn.  He is not stepping up to meet your standards in a partner.  

beebeel's picture

He's a boyfriend, not a partner. Climb that mountain as you planned and let it be finished. A real partner is out there somewhere for you.

Kes's picture

A real partner would be happy that you are achieving one of your longstanding dreams, and would not try to threaten you over it.  He would say "go and do it, and send me updates".  

susanm's picture

He is going to end your relationship if you do not conform to his wishes by losing 900 euros, changing your already made plans, and taking the chance that the trip will be cancelled completely when his ex finds out about it?  Seriously?  Besides, is he even capable of doing the climbing?  An adventure like that is not exactly a trip to Disneyland!  This guy sounds like a complete mismatch for you.  He may have some good points but I don't see how they could outweigh the bad.

sunshinex's picture

I always talked about going backpacking one day, before having kids, and my husband (then boyfriend) was entirely supportive of the idea. I say go, and if he ends things, it wasn't meant to be. He needs to accept that you're childless, and thus, have different goals and priorities than him sometimes. 

notarelative's picture

..o yea he also said if i go were finished 

If he didn't express interest in going before, he really isn't interested in going now. Change your plans now and look forward to having to change them again as something while suddenly come up that interferes with the new plans. Odds are that if you change your plans now, you will never go.

He has spoken. He has shown you who he is. Make your plans accordingly. Start looking for new living arrangements and move. You don't need his negativity while planning and preparing for this trip. 

Rags's picture

You are about to do an amazing and dangerous thing.  You do not need any distraction or drama taking up space in your head.

Time to let DH know that this is a  you only trip.  Explain the danger and purge this from  your mind.

Enjoy your trip.

Loki001's picture

You're dead sure you are ready to be in a committed relationship, hun, with this guy in particular, or with a man in general? Sure-sure?

 

 

ESMOD's picture

Ok.. I am assuming that you didn't make your plans without talking to him.. because that would be something a partner would do before planning something so big.

But, if you did and he is coming in after the fact and trying to force you to change.. with the threat of breaking it off with you?  Sorry dude.. no way.  If he does break up with you.. probably a blessing in disguise.

Ottis's picture

We had talked about it and we were supposed to go ....he does have some family stuff to sort out in regards to a will but it could be well over a year or so till he sorts that out....deep down he does not want to go he wants to come to keep an eye on me as he said he does not trust me....ive never cheated....all he is worried about is who is going to mind his children while im gone? as i gave up my job to mind his kids....sometimes i feel like i actully have kids the way i HAVE to plan my weekends around them....sick of it. And that sad thing about it is i no im beginning to resent the kids now which is awful but i cant help it  

tog redux's picture

I wondered if he didn't trust you. Go without him, and do a lot of thinking about how you want your life to go from here. It shouldn't be with him.

sunshinex's picture

"all he is worried about is who is going to mind his children while I'm gone?"

It's not your job to mind his children. Why did you quite your job for this? It seems like you really enjoy being childless, and if that's the case, you need to go back to your job and let him/the ex figure our who will watch their kids. 

Rags's picture

This is not a man that I would want to spend my  life with were I  you.

Go back and read all of your comments and your OP and ask yourself if this is what  you want for the rest of your life.

Good luck, enjoy Nepal.

susanm's picture

You climb mountains in Nepal but you gave up your job to care for someone else's children and are cowed by accusatons of cheating and someone needing to "keep an eye on you?"  I'm sorry but that does not add up.  It sounds like you lost yourself somewhere after meeting this guy and are now regretting it.  Love is great and all that but are you still you?

Aniki-Moderator's picture

You don't need his permission. You are a capable, responsible adult who has LOGICALLY made the necessary work and financial arrangements to make YOUR trip. DO IT. Don't let his sour grapes stop you from embracing and living your wonderful adventure.

I have made several trips WITHOUT my DH. He didn't whine. He didn't ask me to change my plans or NOT go. He told me he'd miss me and to have a WONDERFUL TIME.

Ottis's picture

Yes i did loose myself somewhere. I was working then he asked me to care for his sick dad as he didnt want to put him in a home so i did....and i also started looking after his kids too, school drops, dinner and so on. Im not happy but i feel quilty cause at some stage i must have wanted this and now i feel stuck.

Rags's picture

Whether  you wanted this then or not... it is no longer then. It is now.  Things change.  Do not punish yourself over decisions you made with information you had at the time.  There is new information now so decisions can be revised.

Take care of you.  And knock off the guilt crap!!!!!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Maybe you wanted it. Maybe you didn't. It sounds to me like you're a generous, caring person and THAT is why you did all of these things. Losing yourself is not an uncommon thing. Now is the time to find YOU again.

Don't let him ruin this for you. It's time to start living your life again for YOU.

pixielady's picture

OMG, why would you give up your job to take care of someone else's family? You are being taken advantage of. Please get out of this relationship, go on your climb, get another job and take care of YOU. Please.

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

Go on your climb with your friends? Teammates? I am envious. DD7 and I are avid hikers and we are always looking for the next cool thing. You go do this awesome thing.

 

time to sit with your boyfriend and let him know he needs to step up to parenting his kids because you are going on this trip as planned and also are goi g to start looking for a job. Get yourself back and then decide where you want this relationship to go.

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Good luck with your summit attempt! Smile

Why give up a dream because your partner calls "bad timing"? It is incredibly selfish on his part! People train for weeks, months or years and often the window period for their attempt is set because of logistics and weather. Where does he get off asking you to change this? Even so, if he prepared to climb or live at a base camp? He is fit enough to do this? Or does he want a free holiday to rain on your parade?

Follow your dream and cut him loose on this trip.

Merry's picture

He wants you to postpone a dream trip because it's inconvenient for him. He doesn't trust you. He doesn't know how he'll take care of his kids while your gone. If you take this trip, the relationship is over.

Hon, this should not be a difficult decision. If one of your girlfriends presented you with this same set of facts, what would you tell her?

marblefawn's picture

NO, do not change your plans for ANYONE.

While it's a plus that he's willing to go, tell him he can go with you next time because you can't afford to lose the money you spent on tickets. End of discussion.

You already know the value of travel and the trip you're planning should not wait a moment -- you need to be in top shape for it. Don't wait. DO NOT WAIT. DO NOT LET ANYONE GET IN YOUR WAY.

You have no idea what will happen to your life. If you break your leg, you may never be able to do that trip. Do it now, while you can. He will be there waiting with all his kids when you get back. If he doesn't want to wait, maybe you'll just decide to stay in Nepal. There are plenty of men, but only one Nepal. Smile

Go for what you loved before you met him. If there's no way to have both without complications, that tells you something about the relationship.

I postponed my honeymoon in India because of my sick dog. I've been married 10 years now and I still haven't gotten there. Don't take the chance of missing out on your dream adventure.

 

shamds's picture

and reality has finally hit him “oh shit!! I actually have to deal with the kids on my own for 3 weeks”, seems like he’s been chilling on the parenting front.

Ottis's picture

I know he dosent really want to do it...we did kilimanjaro in africa last year. I made it to the top he didnt.....he was very very needy during the trip and fought all the time. He ruined it for me and had me crying several times. Im not putting myself tru that again....he was constantly looking for sex aswell ....that is the last thing on your mind while on the mountain

susanm's picture

Going to Nepal is one hell of an expensive trip to take with someone that you know is going to sabotage it for you!  May as well just put the money away for another time rather than knowingly go and have it ruined.  Or just dump him and go!  LOL

hereiam's picture

He wants to go for all of the wrong reasons, selfish reasons. And if he can't go, he doesn't want you to go, again, for selfish reasons.

Are you sure this is the guy (and the life) for you?

Ottis's picture

Thank you all for your input...i feel alot better now....and i think i will go....im just going to find the right time to tell him as i know it going to be bad really bad .....