Now he doesn't want more kids...
I'm 23 and childless, SO's child is 2 years old. Before we ever went to bed together I told him I'm not on birth control and don't plan on starting b/c because of the effects it has on me. We talk and he's okay with just using condoms, he said he'd like more kids in the future and could live with the potential side effects of just using condoms, and I could too. In the course of discussion I've also told him I will NOT end up like my step-mother, childless and still not married after 20 years of being with my father- I told him that I see myself married with my own kids in the future. I won't be done with college until I'm 27 and told him I don't plan on having children until then. He was okay with all of this.
Last weekend the topic of "When I have my own kids I'll..." came up and he said I wouldn't be having any with him- he doesn't see himself wanting another in the next 10 years and he doubts he'll change his mind by then. WTF? I pretty much dropped it because we were with his sister's friend too. Shortly after I went to bed but couldn't fall alseep, 2 hours later he's still not coming to bed (his house) so I left so I could get some sleep at my place- I was hurt. I've only seen him once this week and we didn't talk about it at all. Honestly it made me feel inadequate or somehow inferior to BM. Their son wasn't planned- they conceived about 3-4 months into them dating and broke up shortly after he turned 1. So even though his child with her wasn't intentional, somehow to me it felt like she's good enough to have his kid but I'm not. BM is also pregnant right now (not by SO) so their son is already going to have a sibling... that child's dad isn't going to be in that kid's life at all so SO feels like BM's baby#2 should be allowed to come over to his house with his son sometimes. I don't have a problem with that... my little brother was allowed at my dad's house (we shared a mom, different dad) but I wonder if he's somehow thinking that BM's 2nd child will be "like" another child for him...
I'm not going to waste my time in a LTR with him if more kids are completely off the table. I like his kid, I think he's a good dad and he allows me to interact with and discipline his child just fine... but his son will NEVER be mine. He has a mother, and it's not me. I know I need to talk to him about this, I can't just go about pretending that I can make him change his mind or just hope that he will change his mind one day. I just don't know how to go about it- I've never had to have a conversation like this before. Help?
You are lucky that you are
You are lucky that you are young enough to get out now. If having a child of your own is very important to you, you will only grow more and more resentful as you wait and hope that he MIGHT change his mind.
How do you go about this?
How do you go about this? Pretty simple.
Tell him: "You said you don't want to have any more kids. I do. Have a nice life."
You've just dodged a bullet. Thank your lucky stars you've found this out now. At least you're hearing this at age 23 and not age 39. You still have plenty of time to find someone who wants kids. Don't waste any more of your time with this guy.
^^^THIS!
^^^THIS!
And thank him for being
And thank him for being truthful with you. He could have just lied and deflected UNTIL it was too late for you to get out and find someone else.
Sorry you are in this situation.
Agree, this is one of those
Agree, this is one of those deal breaker things.
I have 2 bios before I met DH, he also has 2 bios. i wanted a 3rd child, I was in love with my DH.... I took months contemplating this, DH said he didn't want more children....
I decided that I have 2 lovely daughters, but I came very very close to ending it for that reason, even with 2 daughters, because I had to be absolutely sure that being with DH was MORE important to me than another baby - you can never get that back...
If you want a child, this is not the man for you, period and dot. This one is a deal breaker in my books.
I am 40 now, I had the essure procedure done so that I can get off the BC - being 1000% certain that I am done, and being with DH who is clearly done - it was still the hardest most painful decision I had to make, I always thought I would have 3 - and I know I made the right decision, it doesn't make it any easier when I give it thought.
I would end the relationship
I would end the relationship your wasting your time. I have a niece that had one child from her husband and she wanted more and he went and got fixed. Her feeling were never considered. She still gets up set today.
I have two Bio daughter married DH in 1995 my tubes had already been tied.
We divored and were not together for 6 years. Durning this time he had a son. We found out about son after we were back together for 2 years.
By this time I had learen of tube reversal and new some one that had done this and had a child afterwards. I asked DH to get on board with this he flat out said no that was 6 years ago. It still hurts my feeling. And he didn't say no because we couldn't afford it.
But DH didn't mind having a child with a drug head one night stand.
I'm telling you all that to say, that he is likely not going to change his mind. Don't move in with him.
This isn't what I wanted
This isn't what I wanted
He's such a great guy... I've known him for a long time and he's the first guy I've been with in a long time that actually gets me.
you are so young baby girl.
you are so young baby girl. too young to have to make that kind of decision.
very many wise people on this sight have said "he's showing you who he is- believe him."
This is just a nice little
This is just a nice little romance. We all need to have a couple of these before settling down.
If you don't end it now I'll bet it will die on the vine in 6 months - but it won't be pretty if you go this route. You'll have resentments, etc. Better to just end it now. Concentrate on your school work, give it some time to heal and before long you will want to get down on your knees and be thankful you are out of this relationship.
You are still in school and
You are still in school and say you don't want children of your own until you graduate in four years. Your BF says he doesn't want children. Yet you are involved in a sexual relationship with a method of birth control which has a realistic potential to result in children and you've stated you "could live with [those] potential side effects."
IMO, after reading these statements, coupled with the fact that now you are upset because he does not want a child "with you" and I have a bit of suspicion that you wouldn't mind getting pregnant by him, despite what you say. Could that be the case? Maybe he is backing off from you because he is afraid you, too, will have an "oops" moment and he will be back in the baby business again.
Before you have a conversation with him about his behavior and attitude, perhaps you need to be brutally honest about your own intentions first.
Well any form of birth
Well any form of birth control, short of abstinence, has a real risk of pregnancy. The fact that I've had sex with anybody, even on birth control, meant that I was prepared to deal with the consequences of a pregnancy. I do not WANT a child right now- I work full time and go to school part time. I don't have time for a child(I'm sure some of you do make the time though). That doesn't mean that I wouldn't make it work if I did get pregnant. My intentions aren't to get pregnant... Over the past few years it's hurt me to watch my friends have children while I remain childless, but as much as I love snuggling babies I do know that I'm NOT ready to intentionally have a child.
We talked about it and came to an understanding... I'm ok with where we are.
True on the BC but some forms
True on the BC but some forms are certainly better than others.
Really, chocolate, you need to put things in perspective. You are 23 years old for goodness sake! That's why I'm scratching my head over comments like, "Over the past few years it's hurt me to watch my friends have children while I remain childless."
"Remain childless" is a bit overdramatized for a 23 year old, IMO. So I go back to my original comment which is that maybe, just maybe, deep down you really do want to have a baby - now! And that has spooked your BF.
IF I were done with school,
IF I were done with school, yes. But I'm not, so... At the end of the day I do still enjoy giving my friends back their children, I don't want to have one NOW. Regardless, it didn't spook him...
Sorry if it came across as over-dramatized, but it kind of sucks to be one of the last to not be married with kids. I didn't do things the right way, my 4 year degree is taking 8 years and I started a year late at that too. I kind of pictured myself having a kid at this point (teenage fantasies I guess, lol), I should have graduated last year if I did things right. But I KNOW that I need to finish school first.
Regarding birth control... I did not use the NuvaRing or the Pill completely perfectly, so the effective rates are approx 91% for both. Effective rate of condoms used perfectly is 98%. By that logic you could say I was more willing to have a child with my two previous boyfriends that I was using the Ring or the Pill with no condoms than I am with my current boyfriend using nothing hormonal but using condoms correctly.