Indulgent parenting? Or what do I know.. I don't have kids
Sooo... my SO (together 3+ years, he's divorced), has two kids son who's eightER, daughter 6 whom he shares custody of 50-50. I've noticed some seriously frustrating behaviour / possible indulgent parenting that weirds me out and bothers me. I'm not sure how to manage b/c my current approach is not effective. 
Examples:
1. Both kids are not capable of wiping their own butts after going #2. They're school age I should mention. They always call him in to do it. I think this is overly indulgent, though he's tried to stop doing it, he feels guilty and does it anyway.
2. Before they shower, they say I love you dad about a dozen times, and see you after the shower. It's weird. Same with bed time. "See you in the morning" "Don't go in the basement" "Love you dad" "Dad you still there". Clearly separation issues but no one is addressing them - he's always like... they just love me. Ugh no, I think this is a psychological separation issue. I've suggested counselling. Nothing has happened so I dropped the issue.
3. His daughter broke a crystal he bought her b/c she wasn't taking care of it properly and was walking around with it and dropped it. She, of course, threw a temper tantrum (crying, rolling around on the floor), so he gave her one of my crystals without my permission. I feel like 
that was not his to give, and (b) she needs to learn a lesson to take care of things otherwise they are not replaced. Am I wrong? Or if a kid breaks something of their own should you always replace it right away?
4. He showers them with gifts. Whenever he travels, he always gets them something whether it's a toy, or a hat. He gets them toys as bribes for 'good behaviour' though the term is loosely defined. For example, he said he'd get them both fidget spinners if they behaved on the weekend - I was there, they were terrors but he bought them for them anyway. When I said something that I thought the terms were good behaviour? He got super defensive and said they were well behaved. Should I keep my mouth shut?
5. Every weeknight or weekend he has his kids is like the 'funnest' weekend ever. It's a cottage rental, amusement park, movies, fun dinner out. It's never 'normal'. I don't know if this is classic disneyland dadding but to me it seems like it. If i say anything, he says I'm ruining the fun. Should I just detach from this?
Thoughts? Am I being too crazy?
I sometimes feel like such an outsider b/c I don't have kids so what do I know about parenting... :sick:
Two is potentially separation
Two is potentially separation anxiety and four is probably within the remit of normal where someone travels and brings back a present for young children
One : it's a bit on the weird side. How do they manage at school? Your partner should have a talk with them about how they are a big boy/big girl and they need to do this themselves. Then when they are on the loo and call him he should re-iterate and re-enforce the point that they are a big boy or girl and need to do it. He should also wash any skid marked underwear from the transition stage
Five : do you have them every other weekend only and he is trying to enjoying the time? Provided he can make his full contribution to the house and is not in debt and creating more debt and is doing date nights with you I would probably ignore this one. Let him go off to the amusement park with kids and you have a nice day to yourself complete with bubble bath spa treatments friends your book whatever you want
Three: utterly unacceptable. You are completely correct in that it's not his to give. You should discuss it with him and next time he does it take the object back in front of him and re make the point . You don't want someone who isn't careful near your stuff and it isn't her stuff for her to help herself to or for him to give out . If he wants her to have another let him buy it and feel the sting. If he gives her something or she takes something if yours and it is damaged then you should be provided with replacement or restitution to the value of same.
It sounds to me like he is terrified to parent them and has a lot of guilt over everything- I would suggest some counselling to help deal with these feelings and maybe a parenting class to develop a parenting plan
The above is if you want to stay of course. I would also take some time to myself decide my line in the saned and prepare to leave. Do not marry until he proves he can be a dad and not just a friend. Be very careful here because you don't want to get locked into anything with a man who is not willing to support you wants to be friends with his kids or will send you into debt for said kids .
Hey thank you SO much for
Hey thank you SO much for your reply!
It's great to be able to bounce these thoughts off someone. I feel like my friends, particularly those with kids would judge me and am scared to talk to them about it.
RE ONE: They hold it all day and don't go #2 at school. Yep. He's bought them wet wipes, and tried to teach them (actually I said something when we first met) but seems like he can't cut the cord. He doesn't say they're a big boy/big girl - I suggested something similar and he said it was patronizing but I disagree, I think they need to be told that the oldest is almost in grade 3 and it's not acceptable anymore. Again, I do think this is an attention thing.
RE: TWO. Agree re: Separation anxiety. It gets a little crazy b/c on weekends when they're at his house they wake up at 6am and wake the entire household up b/c they miss him
RE FIVE: Every other weekend, and M/T are his day. He's definitely not in debt, but every weekend he has them it's like (to me) someone's birthday almost to the degree of fun-ness. Maybe I just had boring parents growing up (I also played a lot of sports) but his whole days on weekends where he has them is structured around them. It's like I don't exist. And also, it's a little unrealistic for life. He never does homework with them, and rarely reading. Just takes them to the pool, the park, the amusement park, popcorn for dinner, ice cream etc or they are on their ipad. When they're not entertained externally, they want us to play with them and I just don't want to TBH.
RE THREE: Thank you. I did say something and he didn't really want to hear it. Is it proper if a kid doesn't take care of a toy to replace it immediately? At what stage do you teach them to respect the toy and there is consequences if it breaks.. i.e. you need to wait til xmas or your bday for a new one. He said "She was upset". Ok, well she needs to learn to deal with her emotions IMO.
For information, he did ask me to move in recently and I said NO.
He doesn't parent IMO. When I'm around I think he does it more b/c I've said stuff but it's like unnecessarily harsh - like he'll yell at them at the littlest thing - like completely disproportionate to what they did. I should also mention I don't have kids but grew up in a parented household where their behaviour would never have been tolerated. These kids rarely get grounded and talk back all the time, and IMO are super spoiled. They don't eat vegetables. Like at all. Breakfast is a short order kitchen. It's too much.
I'm starting to see a counsellor. He's seeing someone but it's more about dealing with his ex and less about the kids. I suggested a parenting course to him - he was open to it but not sure where to go from here.
Thanks again for reading!
Good for you on saying no to
Good for you on saying no to moving in!
Who wants to live with a man who can't parent?
Not I.
I remember when able-bodied, bike riding, adult-ignoring, hissy fit throwing ex-SD would DEMAND that her dad pour her ranch dressing and ketchup... From a squeeze bottle, people! And my ex would do it! Yuck. He didn't want her to "spill it". I would tell him how grossed out I was about his behavior and couldn't get "in the mood" knowing that he cowered to a clearly capable, not to mention, poorly-mannered, person during meals.
How can you sleep with a man who wipes the butts of people who can do it themselves?
You ain't crazy, chica. Kill that noise.