Around Christmas I just knew we were in deep trouble. I made one last ditch effort to sort our problems. I called a sitter, got dolled up and planned a casual dinner and pool, so we could talk, be a couple for a moment. He seemed disinterested and bored. He then tells me that he invited his friends to play poo I'll with us. This was our first solo date out in months. He had just played pool his friends last weekend. It pissed me off royally, and put me in a sour mood, even though I had to be polite to the guests, as they were ignorant to the pretenses of which they were invited under. It was insufferable to have to smile when I wanted to cry out of frustration.

Nothing got solved.  I was beginning to get depressed, and even began wondering if I worth anything. I felt trapped, I needed to stay with baby to protect her. But from what? That was a red flag that that was just an instinct I had. Other instances that broke the camel's back:

• yelling at BMs underage and HOMELESS sisters, while laughing it up with their addict parents. He was being so mean to them. He told the 9 year old take a shower and then take the trash out in 23° degree weather! He got mad when I tried to do it for her, and even when I tried to put a hat and coat on her. I felt so scared of him that I couldn't lift my head. 

•Not telling me food was laced. I ended up having a seizure that went on and off for two hours. I asked him inbetween fits of coherence to call for a medic, and at one point, I wanted to call my mom one last time to tell her I loved her, because it felt like my brain had collapsed. He refused to call, and said they'll laugh at you, don't call. 

•I recently decided to attend graduate school for my masters! It's a great program in another state. He told me that I WILL be commuting back and forth every weekend. A 12 hour drive. Every. Weekend. 

•a few of the last times were intimate, he denied my request to implement certain contraceptions. I had to ask about 6 times. Unacceptable. 

• He started telling the baby that "Mommy has been messing up a lot lately". You shouldn't bring a child into adult business.

•I came to see baby on a platonic visit, and he "teased" that at least I could have made his bed and got dinner started if I was going to sit in the house with Baby. We were playing, that's all i was there for. Baby. 

To be honest, I thought my world was going to crumble. Who was I without him? Surely there was a hell that awaited me for breaking up our family. But that box just kept getting smaller. He told me I would work from home, and he kept begging to have a baby. I honestly believe he tried to impregnate me to keep a hook in.

But guys, I haven't been this happy for months. Years. I felt so guilty for being happy. But my work got stronger, I slept better, the bags under my eyes are gone. I'm smiling almost every day. It feels right. Like it's supposed to be this way. I do miss Baby, terribly so. That's just a tricky part to navigate. Any contact is a gateway to him getting me down there or begging me to stay. 

But the world looks so open. And I have faith in my future again, I feel confident and at peace.