Are you a full time SP?

You've been given good advice. She is probably going to turn out to be a horrible person, but then so be it. You are damaging your marriage by constantly bringing up her negative points. Been there, done that. I used to bring up ss15's negative points because I truly cared about him and his future. I could see dh making the wrong decisions and wanted to change things so ss could turn out to be a decent person. It just pitted dh and I against one another. The more I pointed out the negative, the more determined he was to stay in denial.

Finally , I stopped around the time ss was around 11. Just never really had anything to say about him ever. Didn't try to "work on our relationship" with ss-just nada, nothing. Dh definitely noticed as I had been very involved before. He tried to guilt me for a while with, "You could be more motherly to ss" to which I would simply respond, Why, he has a mother whom he loves very much.

after I backed off, it seemed that it finally gave dh the ability to see what tremendous problems there were with ss. So tremendous that we have had to pretty much ban him from our home at 14. Now at 15, he sits in juvenile detention on some very serious charges.

I have not even been tempted to tell dh "I told you so", but I did tell him so.

Hello everyone!
I just wanted to say that I am so grateful that I found this site. I need to vent as well. I have been really going through it with my SD and DH. I have disengaged a lot and that seems to have helped me get over my resentment with my SD but I am extremely resentful at my DH for his defensiveness and always blaming me for problems with his daughters.

He has two girls, one 16 (lives with us full time) and one 20 (has never lived with us). Both extremely dishonest, manipulative and self centered. They and have been caught lying to me (and him) and stealing (from me) on several occasions. Rather than be understanding and supportive of me when I am concerned when my belongings are missing he takes it out on me and gets angry saying that "I have nothing nice to say about his kids" and that "they would never do that" I never get angry and never use an accusatory tone, I actually only point it out to him when I find my things in her possession. I do not mention items missing that I have no proof for and for the most part only mention it to him when I find my things so he can see first hand that I am not making this stuff up. I have no reason to make up anything like this. I have my own business and my own life and would rather not have this added stress and drama.

He finally saw the light of day about the stealing at one point when the daughter was caught red handed with some of my things but he still goes into defense mode if I lock my room or lock my belongings up. I do not make a big deal of it, I just take precautions now to limit this sort of thing from happening because he is not enforcing any sort of consequences for her behavior. Her BM is MIA and mentally ill and out of the picture and his excuse is always "she has been through a lot".

He also is now seeing that the 16 year old that lives with us is lying to him, using drugs, drinking, etc. Getting bad grades and he lets her stay home from school whenever she wants now. I am starting to see that he is not the kind of parent that I would ever want to be because I am sure that this girl who I have grown to care for will not have any way to take care of herself when she becomes an adult.

I was trying to help him parent her for awhile and we went to family therapy together and even the therapist told him that he needed to start setting boundaries and consequences for his kids behavior and he would agree in therapy and then just throw that all out the window two days later. I stopped going to therapy with them because I was sick of wasting my time because he never heeded the therapists advice.

I am at my wits end here. Like many have said on this forum, their DHs are great guys and then totally out of it when it comes to denial and blaming others around his kids behavior. It seems like excuses are the norm and that this is how he wants to raise them so I have had to really let go over the past year or so and just let him do his thing.

This has helped but it still feels a bit lonesome and depressing that it has come to this. I am on the fence right now if I should leave.

The latest thing is that his oldest daughter (20 years old) is now pregnant and although she lives with her boyfriend in another state I can see that she is already looking to Daddy to take care of her and offer her financial support. She has already aksed if she can come live with us for awhile with her BF. We do not have room for this at all but he is stating that "he will do anything for her and will support her." Her BF is out of work and not ready to be a dad. DH is totally in denial about this as usual. A little history on her is that she lied to us for about a year and told us that she was in school and therefore DH was sending her money. He found out about the lying and that she wasn't in school and he still makes excuses for her and basically kisses her a**. He is so defensive about her dishonest behavior that it is often making him look less and less attractive to me. She planned the pregnancy and even told me before she was pregnant that she did not want to work and did not want to go to school and that she did not understand why no one would give her money and that if she had kids maybe her family would support her. I think the preganancy was her solution for getting Daddy to foot her bills for her and she is just lazy and does not want to work or go to school or do anything that will help her learn how to be a responsible adult.

I am very afraid for the future of my home and my realtionship with my SD as well as my DH. I am afraid my SD (the one living with us full time that I have helped raise) will see all this excitement and coddling going on with her pregnant sister and think it would be a good idea for her to have a baby young also. She is already sort of talking this way and I am really sad about this as well as scared that I will have to be dealing with the oldest daughter now more closely as she will need more and more help now that she is becoming a young mother.
I know I may sound selfish because it is late and I am tired (I am losing sleep over this) so I may not be articulating the whole situation very clearly but the bottom line is I have tried very hard to do the right thing for many years and I have never been dishonest or spiteful. These girls are like nothing I have ever seen when it comes to trying to extract money from family, lying, cheating stealing and the like. This is not how I was brought up and I guess I am naive but I did not even know that this behavior ever existed. I am more angry at my DH than anyone else at this point. He is really turning me off.
I can't believe that this is as hard as it is and I have never known that there are people this dishonest and manipulative.
I am at a loss here but I must say it was comforting to read everyones comments because I can relate to each and every one of them.
Thanks for listening, I hope I made some sense in my ramble.

Sorry I just realized that Maybe I was supposed to post that into another thread. I am sorry if I jumped into someone else's conversation but it sounds like you all on here have had some of the same struggles and feelings as me so I hope I did not offend anyone by posting in the wrong place. Just now learning how this works and I have no support where I am at. Thank you all for being here.

Great advice wickedstepmom123

I've learned from experience this does work

Used to argue with H about his DD's behaviors, only caused issues within our marriage

I learned by keeping my mouth shut to all things negative related to his DD's our relationship improved

On the other hand, if his DD's do something worthy of comment (this would be YSD who works hard at being a great kid/skid) then I do open my mouth and don't hold back there. H beams when he hears sincere and honest acknowledgement for something great about his daughter, and it isn't bad for our marriage either

I also don't hold back if one of H's family is rude or disrespectful to me (that would be H's eldest daughter or his sister) I will say something there too, except it won't be to H generally, it will be directly to them

I do comment lately to H on his daughter PASing SGS against me. I mention it to H every time we all get together and she does it. This is the exception to my rule above about not saying anything negative. I feel this is something that needs to be pointed out, before everyone starts wondering why this toddler behaves as he does with me

Good God did I need this thread today.

SKs (11 and 13) have just recently gone from being little angels to trying to test us. When they were reprimanded, their behavior did a 180 and I now dread them coming over. They arent outright bratty, just super passive-aggressive. Lying to my face is a new pattern as well. I love my FI, but he's turning into a Disney Dad who seems scared to reprimand his kids. Their mother sure isnt, though: when she's caught wind of any misbehaving, she'll call them up herself to lay down the law.

After a particularly hellacious weekend recently, FI was ready to tell them "if you cannot respect our home, you cannot come over anymore." I really thought he was having a breakthrough, but now that it's coming time to pick them up, he keeps putting off us drawing up some house rules. I kind of called him on it today on the phone at lunch, and of course *I'M* the problem: "they arent even hear yet and you're already assuming they're going to be bad." ...Huh? What happened to the guy last week who was all about giving them rules?

I truly hate to be this way, but I'm tired of fighting about kids. If I wanted to argue about children, I'd have some.

My SS still interupts conversations I am trying to have with DW. What works for me is that when it happens, I simply become mute, or I just leave the room completely. I used to call SS out on it, but that would usually end with DW and me arguing "Oh he just wants to feel included in the conversation!". Urm....No he doesn't, he just wants attention. Anyways, I learned to just disengage in situations like this. Now days when DW sees me leave the room to leave them alone, she quickly realizes what is happening and will correct SS's behavior. She doesn't always do it, but the "conversation hijacking" has diminished quite a bit in recent years.

My husband always do the same. He thinks because he divorced with his ex-wife. Then he thinks it will effect to SD 14 a lots of feelings. That's why he try to spoil her a lots doesn't matter about the money or her aggressive behavior to me. He never teach his daughter to be more respect to older people. One time we sat together the whole family and after we finished eating, everyone tried to clean up the table but except of her. She doesn't care and let her grandma took her plate to the sink without saying sth. I talked with my husband about this because I think this he should try to teach his daughter na but he said to me that she always do it with her mom. So for me it sounds like he don't want to say sth. to hurt her not even a little bit.

Actually I have a lots of things to share to you but I only want to say to you that I feel with you and you have to wait until she old enough to live alone or divorce that I'm gonna do I think.

TraumatisedSM and steppingon I hear you! The first few years of my relationship with my partner were ROUGH due to this issue. His ex wife is a shit, she's not always stable and barely does anything to enrich the lives of her many children. So my partner felt responsible for being everything positive and good in their childhood. He was a single dad for a while before we met, often the custodial one too, and poured his entire life into giving the kids everything he could. That's not to say they weren't given rules, boundaries and discipline, but he felt that it was him and his kids vs the world.

So when I came into the picture and criticised the kids for acting out it went down like a lead balloon. It was awful and I nearly left so many times. I can't say that there was a magic and easy solution to this, it just took time. I have fluctuated from being super step mum to barely involved at all in an attempt to strike a balance and find where I fit in this scenario. 

I am very lucky in that my partner has always tried his best to meet me in the middle too. He recognises that my role isn't the easiest and does his best to allow me to parent my own way. He still does get defensive at times if he feels like I'm being unfair to not treating both kids the same (I butt heads with one in particular), but he knows I'm on his side and want the best for the kids too. Likewise I know that these kids are his world and that there are some boundaries that need to be respected. We also have a strong relationship where I don't feel like I come second to the kids, nor do I feel like I'm more important. We're just in different categories altogether.

There's so much parental guilt in this situation, my partner is incredibly hard on himself for the way in which he feels that he's failed these kids. He hates how crap their mother is and tries so hard to balance things out. I get that, I really do. I understand that it's difficult to let someone else in and trust them with these kids that mean the world to him. It's also been hard to let my family in, but he's tried incredibly hard to let his guard down and allow relationships to grow.

And so, nearly 7 years later we're in a good place. I've proven over and over that I'm here for the kids, that I want the best for them and will also move heaven and hell for their wellbeing. He not only knows this, but believes it too. I've had to grow up a lot and find my feet as a parent and in some ways an adult, not to mention as a partner. It hasn't been easy, I would not do it again, but I am genuinely happy about how life has turned out and we've slowly created a lovely dynamic within our home. The kids live with us full time now which has made things easier in many ways, even though it's harder in others.

I guess my words of wisdom in this case are that understanding where biological parents are coming from is really important. And I don't mean that they think their kid is perfect, most parents know that, but that they feel tremendous guilt for the situaition their child is in and don't want to jeapordise their relationship, especially if they don't have a lot of contact. Of course the position of a step parent is also difficult, especially when you feel alienated and powerless in your own home, with a supposedly loving partner standing up for a small human who appears to be determined to destroy your life. There's not a lot of common ground between those positions, so you either need to create some, accept it it for the crappy situation that it is, or get the hell out.

Big hugs for the step parents who are trying to find their way through this minefield of trauma, conflict, manipulation, loss and bullshit. I would not wish it on anyone!