Go back to college, work at the best paying job you can find, save money and go travel the world and learn who you are. (In a budget friendly manner of course - stay at hostels, walk the Camino.) You are far too young to have children. I know, I had children at your age. I love my children but that was a dumb, dumb decision. Your husband is tied to his life choices, you are not. Find someone that is compatible with you. Don't wake up in 5, 10 years and realize that you have ssacrificed your happiness to the alter of your husband's first failed relationship.

Ok, here is my take on this:

1) This guy has not "done the work." The work is what is required to make room for a new relationship. He has not established himself as a single parent and has not set reasonable boundaries with his ex (BM.) No, in fact, he is actively increasing his enmeshment with her. He is not showing a desire to parent without BM or form a family unit with you. I don't know what his history is with BM, but at 21, i doubt he has had the time or maturity to have "been there, done that" and made sure he is really over her. There is no way you can start a new family with someone who is in the place he is in.

2) Speaking of wanting to start a new family. Right now, your entire life revolves around a baby and his father. You have all the worst parts of parenthood but not the best, because that baby isn't yours and the BM is very present. I can see why you would want a baby of your own in this situation, since you can't really be young and live free anyway as long as you are saddled with this baggage. You may feel that you might as well have your own baby if you are living like that already.

But, right now, if you have a baby with this guy, it's not going to fix anything. BM is still going to be there, and your SO seems to want it that way. Inviting her to your game night says it all.

At 20, you DO have time to live a little more. In fact, if you acquire a degree, skill, business, or career, you will have so many more options and won't have to depend on a man to support you and any baby you may have in the future. I'm not saying wait until your 30s, but if you give it at least 5 more years of working on you and building your life, you will be more likely to achieve your dream of motherhood without the drawbacks of being a mom without the means to support yourself. I'm making a big assumption that you don't have those means now, but at 20, how could you?

I just reread your blog and it seems you are already married to this guy. Marriage counseling will possibly help if he is willing to "do the work." You married him and he owes it to you to establish boundaries with his ex. This starts with a CO (legal custody order.) A CO establishes a schedule for his parenting time vs BM's. If he is willing to get one and follow it, and treat BM like an ex BM and you like a wife, it might work. Treating you like a wife means you are just as important as he is in your relationship. You get equal decision making, though you are obligated to accept the CO if you are married to the bioparent. Anything outside that, you are equal partners. He doesn't make decisions with BM without consulting you and BM is not a part of your household or friend group (unless you also want her to be.) Also, there's no shame in admitting you made a youthful mistake in getting involved in this mess if your husband will not get on board with figuring out who he is married to. 

I think you two need a heart to heart. Let him know that you support him in his fatherhood but you cannot support him with his relationship with his ex. Once you separate the two parts you will start to see you three as more of a unit.

He can and should parent separately from his ex. Does the court order require HER supervision of his parenting time? or is it just that it be supervised by someone approved? Or is this arrangement where she is always present just something they have agreed on? Whatever the case if there is a way for him to parent without her present it will help increase his confidence as a father and decrease his reliance on his ex.

Him and his ex are not a family. They decided to raise their child separately so they are now two families. If they want to parent together then they should get together. It is disrespectful for them to act like a family. You are married to your husband. You are his family, his daughter is his family but his ex is not his family even if she is family to his daughter. 

 I really think he should uninvite her from the game night. It is encroaching on your couple adult socializing time with his ex and a kid. That's not fair on your relationship and should have been something that you were consulted on before he did it. 

As for having your own child, I would first get his assurance that he wants kids with you some day. Then see if you and your husband can agree on a timeframe to revisit the idea. So say in 1 or 2 years (or whatever you agree) you can both sit down and see how you feel about kids then. 

I would also insist on times when there is no kid talk so that you two can be adults. Babies and kids are all consuming and it is easy to talk about them all the time so it is extra important that you take time to talk to each other without conversations revolving around the kids. My husband and I ban talk of kids on date nights. Kid talk is not sexy and your relationship is more than just his child. 

I'll be blunt, it's kind of my thing.

He's showing you who he is and where his priorities lie, believe him. 

I was a mom at your age, my oldest is 39 now. Takes a few years for you. Find the person who shares your life goals, your values, and wants what you wat at the same time. It's possible. 

The purpose of dating is to find the right paryn, not to find someone and try to fit him or her into the role you want them to play. 

At 20, I had been with the man who I considered to be the love of my life for 3 very intense years. 2 years later, I realised that, as much as I loved him, he wasn't Mr Right and seized the opportunity to explore the world. We both realised pretty quickly that our relationship wasn't what either of us needed and broke up.

He went on to meet the REAL woman of his dreams (how could he have done that if he was stuck with me?) and had 4 children and I found the man of my life. Yes, we were well suited in our early 20s but we were still learning about life. I will always have fond memories of him but I've been with my husband for over 40 years.

You only have one shot at life. Do you really want to spend it with someone who puts his ex wife before you, who tells you that you have no right to correct his daughter in YOUR home, and who doesn't understand why you are not happy and doesn't care enough to try to understand?

It's your life, don't you think you deserve better?

Something else to consider- above you said your husband told you you won't be making any decisions about his daughter because you are not her mother. Does this include when the child is in your home outside the CO? Will he make these decisions with BM behind your back and expect you to just deal with it?

I've been on Reddit and i know a lot of the younger generation will say things like "A child should be able to see both parents every day!" Or "The mother of his child will always be his family and limiting his relationship with her will limit his relationship with the child!"

These people are thinking in terms of children. Yes, it is best for a child if their parents love each other, get along, and they see both of them every day. That's called a functional INTACT family (meaning the parents never split up.) If your husband is comfortable seeing BM as much as possible and will not be able to live with a custody schedule where he has to be away from his child when the child is with BM - he really should get back together with BM. It will be best for the child and will also allow you to start a new life instead of being emotionally tortured every day. 

You need to think like a wife in this situation. Can you live with a husband who is constantly chasing his ex and their child? Constantly craving more time with them? Coming right out and telling you that *your feelings don't matter?* There is no happiness for a wife in this situation.

Oh, and i have only discussed the emotional aspect. What about the money? Your DH will be paying child support, which will leave him less able to support any child you have. Are you prepared to pick up that slack with your own earnings? Does he plan to give his ex money outside of his child support obligation if she asks? At 21, i doubt he has much to give, but this baby girl and her mother will be his *legal* financial obligation for at least 17 more years and will likely have their hands out longer than that.

Your title was "How to navigate these feelings." I think maybe you wanted a way to just be ok with everything. The truth is, you are only beginning to realize how serious this is and it's potential to make your life unhappy.

Also - as long as you don't have kids with him, you can pack up and gtfo, on to your new life adventure if he continues to disrespect you. If you have a baby now and things don't get better, you will be BM2, tied to this shitshow forever. 

As he said that you will not have the right to make any decisions concerning his daughter, I sincerely hope you told him that you will NOT be left alone with her. If she is there then he must also be there. If not, she stays with her mother. You are not an unpaid babysitter. Also, the risks are to great to look after a kid over whom you have no authority.

Please do not have a child with a man you have known less than a year - even if you are married. He is still involved with BM and is not ready for a relationship with anyone else - let alone a child.

It is not normal to invite your ex to a game night with your current wife and friends. Don't let anyone try and tell you that you should be all right with that, because you should not be ok with it. There is no reason for him to be spending time with BM and his child - he should be seeing the child on his own or with you. They are not a couple, so there is no reason for them to act like one.

I understand you are married, but please think long and hard if you want the rest of you life to be like this - because I don't see any indication that your DH has any plans on changing anytime soon.
 

You are not the priority in your own marriage and your H is not ready for a relationship with you. I would give serious consideration to moving on from this marriage.  

To be perfectly blunt.  Stop feeling and start thinking.  Feels are not what you base life decisions on. Thinks are what you base life decisions on.

You are 20.  Too young to sacrifice your life on the alter of SParental martyrdom to a kid who aparently can't figure out how to keep his dick in his pants.  Or at the very least has not figured out the "wrap it before you tap it" or "No glove no love" mantra. As tough as it is to hear, you are his rebound.  He met you at most a few months after his kid was born.  Neither of you have had time to make an informed decision on entering a life long partnershop.

Invest in you rather in him, his baby mama, and their failed coupling spawn.

Get in school, go get a degree, travel, start an amazing career, live a wonderful life, and when you are ready a great partner will come into your life and the two of you will make a wonderful family. No need to assume the garbage lady role dealing with someone elses mistakes and baggage.

I met my DW of 29+ years when her son was 15mos old. She was 18.  On the surface, not too different than what you have shared. However, I was 29 and we were in university 1200 miles from where the baby daddy was.  We did not have a situation where we had to interface with the SpermClan on anything remotely close to a regular basis. DW already had full physical and legal custody.  Our marriage has always been our only priority.  SS -31 was the top adult responsibilty. He was not the priority.

You are not the priority for your DH. Your marriage is not his priority.  That is clear from the get go.  Do not sacrifice yourself.  You are far more important they they are. Any of them.  Far more important than your DH, far more important than his baby mama, and far more important that their spawn.

Live YOUR life!