Honestly don't know what else I can do.
I honestly don't know where to start. My SD11 has got to be the most manipulative, attention-seeking, rude, self-absorbed, entitled, whiney child I have ever met. That sounds awful looking back at that sentence but it really isn't. I work with kids, and I have never met such an awful little girl. It's just been constant. Me and my OH have been together for nearly 3 years and to start with she was nice to be around because she wanted to be around me. Don't get me wrong she had her moments where I couldn't stand her when she was in one of her moods but I'm not stupid every child has those moments. And those moments and the way she handled them were not her fault, they were her parents fault. They both brought her up differently, she was very strict because she's the primary carer, he was very soft because he didn't see them as much he didn't want them to not want to see him and wanted to just enjoy his time with them. Which was fine except they had no consistency.
It's just that this last moment has lasted over a year. That's a little bit more than a moment I think. I want to be close to her like I used to be. But she doesn't want that. I've tried asking her what it is that has upset her. If I've said or done anything, if I have made her feel left out but all I get is her changing the subject like she does with her dad. (If I tell her off and he's not with in ear shot, when he asks her why she's crying and then makes something up about school or her mum so she doesn't have to tell him that she's in the wrong and gets his sympathy). I even asked if she wanted me to leave, she then got upset and said no she doesn't want me to leave she wants me to stay. I've tried everything I can possibly thinking of. I've tried girly days out, I've tried family days out, I've tried giving her space along with her dad, I've tried being nice and accommodating when she's being rude, I've tried pulling her up.
I honestly don't know what more I can do. For the last year every time she has been with us (every Wednesday night and every other weekend) she hasn't spoken to me, she has ignored me and pretended that I'm not there, she wont look at me, when she has spoken to me its with attitude and spite. She has a complete disregard for respect and is so rude honestly. In the last couple months I've got her parents together and they've spoken and we are now all on the same page and are giving her the consistency that she needs. I have taken a step back and her dad is doing all the pulling up that he should have been doing so that I am no longer the bad guy. Nothing has changed. I think she's actually ignoring me more.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I love her dad more than anything and we have finally got ourselves in a place where we are better than we have ever been and we have said that we don't want her attitude to get in the way, but obviously it does affect us because I get frustrated about her attitude and need to vent to him about how I'm feeling which I understand must be hard for him to hear. I don't want her to ruin my life. I love him and want to be with him but I cant spend the next 10/15 years living like this.
It's her age, maybe. I know a
It's her age, maybe. I know a lot of pre-teen girls get sullen for a while with hormones and all.
Or maybe not. My OSD19 was just-turned-12 when her dad and I started dating...going on 14 when we got married. She was awful from the beginning, so I never bonded with her. Everyone...or, my DH and her BM...told me that it was just a phase and she'd always been the sweetest, loving-est little girl. Later, her own grandparents told me that she'd always been basically selfish, anti-social, and awful to other people, especially her siblings. From about 2 or 3 years old. She's a full-on adult now and STILL behaves like a sullen pre-teen.
I tried a lot with her at the beginning, but nothing took. Now I'm glad that it didn't, because we don't have to have any pretense of a relationship. I barely see her and almost never think of her.
If I were you, I would back way off. Way, way, way off. Like...maybe schedule things for yourself on skid weekend. Don't let her get away with ignoring you...but keep communication to the bare minimum in order to co-exist. Don't ask her strings of questions about how she's feeling or what she wants. Because she doesn't know how she's feeling or what she wants and this is just frustrating and scary to her. Just let her be. This is for her and her parents to figure out.
Why would you have to live like this for the next 10-15 years? Are you assuming SD will be living with you until she's 26?
Thank you. Tbf I think she'll
Thank you. Tbf I think she'll probably be one of the adults too. I have completely put a barrier now. I make plans on skid time and do as much as possible away from the house when she is around. Luckily my job has long hours and sometimes I have to work late so some Wednesday nights I'll stay late on purpose until their bedtime. I don't do anything for her unless she asks me properly and politely. No I don't think she'll be living with us that long, just that she's a proper daddy's girl so I assume she will visiting lots etc when she moves out eventually and I don't see her changing her ways. Even her own Nan has given up now and they were really close in the past.
Thank you. Tbf I think she'll
Thank you. Tbf I think she'll probably be one of the adults too. I have completely put a barrier now. I make plans on skid time and do as much as possible away from the house when she is around. Luckily my job has long hours and sometimes I have to work late so some Wednesday nights I'll stay late on purpose until their bedtime. I don't do anything for her unless she asks me properly and politely. No I don't think she'll be living with us that long, just that she's a proper daddy's girl so I assume she will visiting lots etc when she moves out eventually and I don't see her changing her ways. Even her own Nan has given up now and they were really close in the past.
(hugs) this time will pass.
(hugs) this time will pass. Girls are terrorists in the tween to teen years. Whether they are yours biologically or not.
It sounds like you've been
It sounds like you've been really overbearing in trying too hard to both parent her and force her to love you. Back off.
You aren't her mom, she isn't your kid... the goal should be both parties being polite. Nothing more.
What do you do? You don't
What do you do? You don't do anything. If she doesn't talk to you, you don't need to go out of your way to talk to her. You tell dad she's his kid, she is 100% his responsibility, and you worry about yourself. Start doing yoga, take long hot baths, keep yourself de-stressed so you don't start to act like the immature kid in the house, I work with young tween/teen girls, they put on this front that they're perfect little angels, but they're all manipulative, sneaky, lazy and whiney, that's par for the course. However, being their stepmother, and living with their dad that thinks little miss perfect can't do no wrong, it's another story, it's miserable. I stopped cooking for my SD, I don't bother to speak to her (because she'd stick her little nose up in the air, and refuse to speak to me when I'd tell her "hi" when I walked in the door. I don't take her out places. I give her the same amount of consideration (maybe a little more) as she does for my feelings, and I worry about myself and my kids, and let my DH deal (or not deal, which is usually his chosen path) with SD. I figure maybe she'll get it when she's 30, maybe not, but I'm making a point to try to be as happy as I can in my own home, with or without her cooperation.
My SD is 11 and her behaviour
My SD is 11 and her behaviour is on the fence. As mentioned by a previous poster, sometimes she's a little girl and then she's full of attitude and so uninterested in everything.
Yesterday was my DH's birthday. He asked me not to text BM to remind SD11 to call....which I agree with. Annnnd guess who didn't call? I feel bad for my DH and I know he's a little disappointed but I'm really not surprised.
Way to go, skid!