I hear you! DH thinks that I should read 'I'm OK you're OK' and not talk down to the kids. Excuse me but they were ten years old when I met them! SD is a handful, her twin brother not quite so much but he's problematic though, both very manipulative and sometimes mean and nasty.
Actually, I read somewhere that it can take up to seven years for a step family to bond. Coincidentally our girl tells me now that she accepts that her parents are not getting back together, and that she knows, now, why I would not allow X,Y or Z. Hang in there! It's tough, don't we know it, but I love them all very much and all that hard work is paying dividends now that they are almost 18.

I actually did disengage from them all at one point! I did what I needed to do to maintain my own self and sanity. I still interacted with them but put all of the discipline issues and the 'wants' and rides to and from friends' etc. on their dad...incidentally he got pretty sick of it pretty quickly and decided it was time for 'tough love' since they are older now...saving face or what?? I can now chuckle about these issues but it was hell on wheels and I hear you and feel for you.

My SD became a brat at 8 and she is now 11 and worse than ever. But her dad listens to me and believes my truth over her lies and backs me up...most of the time. If he were letting SD get away with the things yours is...I couldn't handle it.

I think I would ask that you go to family counseling or marriage counseling so someone other than you can tell him all about what he is doing wrong.

The situation you are in is not tolerable. YOU are his life partner...NOT his daughter! You should be number 1 in his life. When you say there is a problem and you aren't happy, he should listen and be compassionate and try to make it better. But as long as this is tolerated, he won't. I think counseling is your best bet.

You need to pick up the book Stepmonster and disengage. He is never going to change and back you up until he sees it up close. Honestly the problem is him. He is telling you to change for SD and it should be the other way around. She will never accept you or like you. It is the age and the gender. I believe very strongly that girls are much harder on Stepmoms than the boys.

My problems with my SD started at this age and they never got better. No matter what I did to embrace this child was not good enough. Eventually she left and honestly it was a relief...

Read the essays on this site on disengaging. For me it was about not doing anything for the Stepkids. I didn't give birth to them, they were not my problem. Forced my DH to step up and see how disrespectful they were being and lazy. For SD it was too late. For SS13 it has worked fine. I am slowly re-engaging on him. Everyone has a different idea of disengaging. I do cook when I want and I do maintain the laundry. They bring it down and put it away. That is it that I do. Everything else is DH's responsibility. Once he started doing it all it got so much better. Example for you: Last night I walked out of the house when he came home to go shopping and go to Yoga. I work from home. He asked about dinner. Told him he was making it and it was his problem. He did it fine. That was hard for me for a long time. Because my BS16 is still here. But, if I don't do that once in awhile DH will get complacent.

You have to make it work for you.

This..........

been making me feel uncomfortable for years. She stares at me in a nasty way and either ignores me or grunts when I speak to her. Shes like a different person if shes in a room on her own with her dad as I often hear her chatting away when im in another room or upstairs.

I hear you 100% and sadly.......DH will NEVER get it no matter what you do. When DH and I are relaxing on the couch SD14 will come out enough to glare at me.....I used to feel her staring at me!! It's sick! I used to care enough to address it but now I really just don't give 2 flying sh**. I am not sure if SD takes it as a sign of her "winning" or what not - but again.........i just don't care. I have 3 other children who want me around and are nice to me (they are typicall kids)
we have SD Full time and I barley even look at her! DH knows this and I know it hurts him but he still buys her bull* time after time after time and guess what - I don't have to.......and the reason I don't have to is that no one! not even DH allows me to punish her as if she were one of mine. I'm not allowing him to have me their when he allows me to be........good luck; you are not alone!!

Yes indeed, I used to get really upset, similar issues with SD, and I was actually playing into her hands. Juvenile judge ordered family counselling and I paid attention. DH went into a sulk at not being considered dad of the year by them but, all in all, disengaging to let him see exactly what I was talking about was the key. I still interacted with the SKids but on my terms. DH got all the whiney crap and there were no lies to be believed, DH got it toot sweet! Now we help them if it's to further their education or to do something constructive.

On one occasion where the gruesome twosome were yelling down the stairs that I am not their mother and I cannot tell them what to do I turned it back on them...that they are absolutely correct, I do not have to tell them anything! I do not have to do jack for them iether...this is the last time I lost it with them, and before counselling. DH was taken aback a bit because I am generally good natured. They saw I meant business! Then I learned, from the counsellor, about disengaging and it fitted right in with what I had in mind. I also learned to switch off the buttons SD was pushing so she was talking to thin air. I let the laundry pile up, the dishes pile up and the family bathroom turn into a pig sty. DH started 'helping' them with chores...that grated on me a little, like pussyfooting around them. I let it go, he pretty soon got sick of holding their hands, they were 15, and he had a ton of stuff of his own to deal with too. I still did all the things I do for DH and I and for the house but I did not lift a finger with their responsibilities. NO ONE here takes me for granted any more. I will say that it's the most challenging thing I have ever done in my life...they are almost 18 now.