Feeling Isolated
So most of you know that my wife's uncle passed away last week. My wife has been feeling guilty because she didn't go see him as often as she thinks she should have. They (uncle and aunt) have a Sunday family dinner every single week that we used to attend, but they live an hour away. Add in the fact that we have our grandkids stay with us at least one weekend a month, and it all became overwhelming for me. I also told my wife a few years ago that I would like for us to have more alone time instead of always spending our free time around her family. Since I moved out here from the East Coast and have no kids of my own, she was pretty much my primary focus, while her family seemed to be hers. She agreed and we stopped going to Sunday dinner as often.
She has four adult daughters, and all of them have lived with us repeatedly. The longest we've gone having the house to ourselves is about 8 months. It's been a difficult adjustment for me at times because I was a bachelor with my own place before moving out here. Her uncle was a great guy who was all about family, and he would never refuse a relative if they needed a place to stay, and they pretty much raised all of their grandkids. My wife now feels like she's been a bad parent since there have been times where she has told her daughters no if they asked for money or wanted to come live with us. While I loved her uncle too (he was one of the few people who made me feel like part of the family) I don't agree with letting people repeatedly move in and out of your house, or letting your adult kids have fun and party while you raise their kids. In my eyes it creates a culture of dependency and entitlement.
Now that her uncle has passed, she wants to be around her family more and has promised to attend more Sunday dinners, which I understand her feeling this way because of what happened. I just fear that she is going to go overboard again. On the weekend of June 28th we had four grandkids stay the weekend, plus went to another grandkid's birthday party. Then on the weekend of the 4th we spent a lot of time running back and forth because we didn't want the immediate family of her uncle to have to worry about food or setting up anything for the funeral.
Then this weekend coming up, she agreed to have the grandkids over again without telling me, plus we have to help SD24 move, AND attend another kid's birthday party. So that means 2 hours of driving time on Friday to pick up the kids and bring them back. Then on Saturday 4 hours of driving, plus the time it will take to help SD24 load/unload all her stuff, then attend the birthday party. On Sunday another 2 hour roundtrip drive to go to Sunday dinner and drop the grandkids off. The very next weekend we will be watching another set of grandkids yet again.
While I understand the need to be around her family more, I feel like I am getting pushed to the side yet again. My birthday was the weekend of the 4th and I thought we'd be able to at least reschedule it and have a nice dinner or something but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. It's almost like she forgets that I'm her family too. I'm 38 and DW is 46, so it's not like we're 70 yr old grandparents sitting at home all day in a rocking chair. We both work full-time, plus we're both in school trying to finish our degrees. Sorry to vent, but I'm tired of always feeling like I'm just a penis with a wallet at times. I've come to accept that I will never be "first" in her life, but sometimes it feels like I'm fourth or fifth on her list after everyone else.
I will have a talk with her,
I will have a talk with her, I'm just going to wait a couple of months to see how it plays out because right now she's very emotional. She actually told me last night that she wants to go to Sunday dinner more often, but she promises that we will still have time just for US.
Most of the time it's been lip service....but we'll see what happens. In the meantime I have been focusing more on myself, getting in better shape, etc.
Wow Ladyface! You and I
Wow Ladyface! You and I could switch places and our family dynamics are exactly the same! Like you, my brothers and sisters live in different places around the country. When we do get together it's always a happy time because we haven't seen each other in a while, and none of us are dependent on each other for everything. We all have our shit together as well, and most of my nieces and nephews are in college or doing very well in high school.
Just like your DH's family, my wife's family ALL had kids before they were 20, including each of my stepdaughters. A lot of them are also high school dropouts. They are so freaking co-dependent on each other it's not even funny. Their idea of "family" is all living within 30 minutes of each other, and being around each other damn near every day with no one ever having any privacy. They just keep popping out all these kids they can't afford and expecting every one to pitch in and help. All four of my stepdaughters also get food stamps and cash assistance. It's almost like an expected way of life for them, and I just don't understand people who have that mentality. Like I said her uncle was a great guy, but in my opinion he enabled his kids and grandkids way too much.
I've had a talk with her before about this and things finally seemed to be improving, but it looks like she's going to revert back to her old ways. I will have a talk with her, I just need to wait a few months because she was very close to her uncle and she's very emotional right now.
It's funny you say that about
It's funny you say that about your birthday. I remember one birthday, her idea of me having a good time was inviting all of her daughters and their kids over to celebrate my birthday. Mind you she didn't even think to invite any of my friends or anything. What a great birthday, spending it with people who irk me to no end.
For Father's Day this year, we had plans already made to do something special. Then my bratty ass SD24 told DW that she wanted to take us to breakfast with her boyfriend and the grandson. I reluctantly agreed and we cancelled our plans. SD24 was her usually annoying self during the breakfast, and guess who got stuck with the bill for everybody because she was too broke to pay? It's not the first time she has "invited" us out to eat and we wind up paying.
Never again.
Frustratedstepdad, do you
Frustratedstepdad, do you ever have nightmares about the future, because your DW had kids so young, and they had kids so young, and if the cycle continues, which it probably will, your DW will be so busy with the great grandkids by the time she is 60 ? :jawdrop:
I often wonder exactly WHEN does it become "our" time in this sort of situation. MY DH had the skids when he was young, and I was PETRIFIED one of them would just start spawning away. Luckily they are now in their twenties and SO FAR SO GOOD.
I'm disengaged and we moved to another country far away from skidville, so even when they spawn we will not be available daily, thank goodness. I do not see myself reengaging with my skids, long story but I'm done.
Our situation is a version of
Our situation is a version of yours. My family is distributed all over the world. My parents made their career and raised their family as international expats. Both sets of grandparents were expats and my mom and dad were raised internationally.
My bride and I are expats and my brother and his family are expats.
My ILs all live in the same little town that my bride grew up in and their lives are a cesspool of redneck control freak manipulative drama. We spend time regularly with my family. My parents and extended family adore my bride. She is a graduate degreed professional who has embraced being a member of the Rags clan. She makes several visits to my family each year and regularly accompanies my mom and dad on the next RV road trip/hiking adventure. Her career is more flexible than man regarding time off but I do go when I can.
My IL clan like yours all had children very young and out of wedlock (at least at conception). My bride was a 16 & Pregnant/Single Teen Mom. Unlike the rest of her family she figured it out the first time and went on to college, grad school, and a successful career as a CPA.
We visit my ILs less frequently because I just do not have the energy for the redneck serial bankruptcy drama and the revolving targeted family victim. There is always someone who is the target of IL clan alienation, bitching, isolation, etc..... When I do go to the IL clan's territory I have a no bullshit policy and I call every one of them on their crap if they play it in my presence. Yep, I am the asshole SIL/BIL.
My wife visits her family more frequently than I do. I go ~once out of every 4 visits she makes. Even when she goes alone the experience is exhausting for her. We spend about an hour every day on the phone so she can work through the emotions, tensions and drama and formulate a strategy for the next day's redneck drama counter strategies.
I get the tension you have over this. I try to be supportive of my bride and her relationship with her family but I have my limits.