The Crazy Clan Did Not Disappoint

Sorry, this is long. But also a fascinating example of toxic family dynamics.

Thursday: DH texted his son and future exDIL and told them that he wouldn't be attending their engagement party. He texted instead of calling because he knew that the reaction would be bad, and he didn't want to be sucked into changing his mind. His son texted back that I'm "delusional" and have clearly "poisoned (DH's) mind. I immediately blocked SS so I wouldn't receive whatever vile texts he sent. The future exDIL called DH and pleaded with him to change his mind. DH apologized and said that it was clear that his wife isn't welcome at the event and that he won't go somewhere his wife isn't welcome. Apparently future exDIL was crying and hyperventilating. Probably picturing the impact ot would have on her Instagram-perfect party. Next, DH's ex called him. He didn't answer. He decided to turn his phone off (he has separate phone for work) and keep it off until Monday (the party being Sunday).

Friday: I ask DH if he wants me to check his phone periodically so (1) he doesn't miss anything urgent and (2) I can prepare him in advance for what he might be facing Monday morning. He says yes. I check his phone around mid-day and there are a stream of texts from his ex telling him that their son is heartbroken and telling him that he "has to choose his only son over his wife". Repeatedly referring to "your son's wedding" (it was an engagement partu that they litrally threw together in 2 days and invited 80 people but had no intention of providing food or beverages until DH stepped in and between him, his ex, and future exinlaws spoke and agreed to cover the cost. Anyway, then I listen to a voicemail she left where she said basically all the same things, but also said that he couldn't avoid her and that she would keep calling him because "this conversation has to happen". Hmmm. At that point, I blocked her on DH's phone and texted her. My text said that DH hadn't made his decision lightly and that he's felt terrible judgement of him as a parent from his family and doesn't need more. I said "it's his decision to make, not mine, and certainly not yours". Apparently she didn't like that very much (more on that later). I then blocked her on my phone as well.

Friday evening, I checked DH's phone again and there were voicemails and and texts from his uncle and his sister. His sister hasn't spoken to him since February because he didn't attend her 50th birthday party. But now she texted saying that she "wanted to catch up". The uncle, has been borderline supportive, so I texted him from my own phone and told him that DH was keeping his phone off because he didn't want to deal with pressure from his family. Uncle responded and asked if I relayed his text that he "needs to speak with him". I say no, because I felt it fair to assume that what he "needed" to talk to him about what the party. He has also texted saying that he was willing to change his own plans (apparenty he hadn't been planning to attend either) and go to the party with DH so he would feel more comfortable. I told uncle that I would pass on that message but that DH's mind was made up. (It wasn't lost on me that he didn't offer to make me feel more comfortable). I tell uncle that DH is in a bad place and hasn't been eating or sleeping over having to make this decision.

Saturday: my DS21 is having a party at our house, so DH, DD and I go to the Barbie movie (highly recommend it, btw). Just as we're taking our seats, DS texts me and says that SIL came to the house and asked to see DH (they haven't spoken in 6 months!). DS's gf tells her that we've gone to the movies and she asks which theatre we went to. Luckily, gf didn't know.

After the movie, I get a text from the uncle, saying that he's texted DH and that I "need" to retrieve the text from DH's phone and relay it to him. (Why not just text my phone then? Because, of course, less dramatic). I respond that I don't *need* to do anything. But I do check DH's phone when I get home. The text says "your wife is depicting you as being despondent and deserted by your family to the point of not eating/sleeping and now I hear that you're at the Barbie movie". He also says "your son, future DIL and exwife are beside themselves". There's also a text from estranged SD pleading with her dad to at least contact someone and let them know that he's "alive" because people are really worried. WTAF?

Uncle and I then exchange some texts with him trying to make me see that this is a once-in-a-lifetime event for SS, that if DH doesn't go it will be irreparable, and that I should be encouraging DH to go. I finally tell him that I'm not having this drama in my life and that I don't understand why he thinks I would take direction from him. Then I block him.

Sunday: party day. DH sleeps in (amazing how well he's slept since making the decision) and then we spend the afternoon together downtown, walking on the boardwalk and having lunch. When we get home, I tell him I'm going to check his phone one more time so he can be prepared. I listened to a voicemail that his ex left right after I sent my text to her on Friday. Now, DH has previously told me how vicious she can be, and that he spent a good part of their marriage trying to run interference to keep her from going off on people. But I had no idea. She was unhinged. She said that after reading my text, she's seriously concerned for his wellbeing and that I've separated him from everyone he loves; she said that he needs to reach out to someone so they can help him get out of this horrible situation he's gotten himself into; she says (referring to me) "she'll already ruined her own children's lives and I'm not going to let her ruin my children's lives". (No idea what that means - at SD's wedding 2 years ago she went on and on about how great my kids were). She went on and on about how it was wrong to choose his wife over his kids. I need to say this as well, the ex and her SO are both retired. They sold their house and bought a home in the Bahamas and another one about 3 hours away from her own kids and SO's kids. They spend half of the year in the Bahamas. SO's kids are in their early 20s, and not launched, so still in need of parenting. Ex tells anyone who will listen that she hates SO's kids and that she makes herself unavailable when they visit. So she apparently doesn't have any issues with her SO choosing her over his kids. Anyway, she ends her voicemail by saying that "the gloves are off".

Today; a police officer shows up at out home to do a "wellness check" initiated by, you guessed it, the ex. The officer tells DH that the ex reported that he was "acting out of character". DH tells the whole ridiculous story and tells the officer that he didn't attend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or his sister's 50th birthday party, and that he doesn't have regular contact with the ex. He said that he considers himself to have 4 kids, not 2, and that for some reason his OG family won't recognize that. The officer says she'll go back to the ex and tell her that DH is fine and that he's a grown man who can make his own decisions, and that he's making the decisions that are best for his family. (God I hope she actually uses that wording). DH then tells her about the ex's voicemail and her references to the gloves being off and her not allowing me to ruin her children's lives. DH tells her that he doesn't want ti complicate things but that I work at the local school board and that the ex's behaviour could damage my reputation. The officer says she'll add that to her report, gives DH a card with a file number on it, and tells me to contact the police if there are any further incidents.

So how was everyone else's weekend??

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Wow.

Well, now that the "gloves are off", she can stuff it more easily. Pound that bahama sand all she wants.

My weekend included some weird chit from a frenemy and then a wonderful weekend of cars, authentic friendship, date night and yard work.

You really shouldn't have

You really shouldn't have involved yourself. Simply shut his phone off like you did and leave it alone. By involving yourself makes you complicit in their "targeted hate/blame game."

I feel for you. I know how crazy the ex and first families can get. Keep them all blocked on your phone. Your DH can handle the crazies. It's not your responsibility nor is it any of your business.

Your DH values your marriage. He values you. That's all that matters.

Engagement party?

How important is an engagement party? I never even heard of them til a few years ago. I would rate the importance of going as a 3 or 4 on a scale of 1-10 where a funeral is 10.

But, in any case, the drama is way over the top. What world-shaking event would happen if they said, "Ok, sorry you can't make it". Smh.

I think they're a Brit thing.

I think they're a Brit thing. I've seen quite a few.

The only one I've ever heard of in France was for DH's cousin. She was going to get married but her grandmother was very sick and not expected to still be around for the wedding so his cousin threw an engagement party.

Personal opinion

This is just personal opinion but the engagement parties and gender reveals are people wanting more, more, more attention to their personal events. Just an introvert's outlook....

Thete are exceptions, like the one you cited.

I suspect that in the UK it's

I suspect that in the UK it's a historic thing dating back to the days when long engagements were the norm.

100%

100%.

ETA: 100% a gift and attention grab.

The advice you need to hear

The advice you need to hear most is to stay out of the toxic cesspool of communication.

I don't care whether you are trying to "spare" your husband.. he is a man who needs to stand for his own decisions.. and deal with his own family in the way he best sees fit. I understand that it was a difficult choice to not attend.. but when you make these kinds of calls.. you have to live with the fallout.

YOU.. did not really add or help anything.. you just got sucked into the crazy.. and in some ways.. said things that caused people to twist and make it more concerning to others.. like giving the BM the ammo by telling the uncle that he wasn't eating or sleeping!

Personally, I am not someone who would have an issue with my spouse attending the party or wedding without me. I have recused myself from many invites voluntarily.. not because I don't get along with my SD's.. but more because I don't want to deal with the EX and those stresses falling out on the "happy days". Baby Shower? nope.. send my gift and regrets..lol.

I'm not saying that your DH should tolerate his children being horrid to you.. but sometimes the toxicity of the split between bio parents... can make it difficult for new partners to be at these kinds of events.

But.. yeah.. if he WAS making this decision to not attend.. he needs to stick with it.. and turn his phone off. .whatever.. deal with or don't deal with the calls.. texts.. but OP should not be fielding the questions.. it was a fool's errand.. it didn't make things any easier for him.. and worse for her.

I have zero regrets. I

I have zero regrets. I supported my husband (who was in bad shape) in getting through the weekend. And solidified the message to the inlaws that there's no going around me. No ignoring me. No pretending they still have the power to guilt DH into conforming to their expectations. I have been hurt by these people in the past, but I'm honestly not hurting right now. And I wasn't hurting over the weekend (other than watching my husband struggle).

Honestly.. your husband needs

Honestly.. your husband needs to make his own boundaries.. no one should have to "go through" you to get to him. He can interract.. or not.. with who he pleases. I get that you were trying to spare him.. but I honestly see that your involvement caused the ultimate opposite.. you said they would ahve done what they did ... with or without your involvement.. so all your involvement did was bring you into his issue.

Your husband is a grown man.. he doesn't need you to fight his fights for him.. it just makes him look weak to them.. and makes them more certain you are pulling his strings.. and if they could just get through to him that he would see reason.. you are making it about you.. and making them think it is really YOU calling the shots.. which may not be true.. but what you are doing makes it appear that way.. so again.. let your grown husband deal with this the way he sees fit...and you may find they listen.

So many posts about how my DH

So many posts about how my DH should handle his dysfunctional family on his own. On a site where, I assume, many members have experienced significant relationship trauma. Without getting into the specifics of DH's upbringing, there's no doubt that his responses to them are very much based on years of emotional abuse and manipulation in this very cult-like family. DH has recognized this through our marriage counseling and is now taking steps to address it further in individual counseling. It's going to take time. I am very grateful for a DH who is willing to do that, and believe me, he's the kind of guy who have been reluctant as most men and only engaged in the marriage counseling because it was that or divorce, plain and simple. For those of you who said I'm "getting something" out of the drama, I can assure you that I'm not. The reality of human behaviour is that when you enforce boundaries on people who haven't had any, the escalate their behaviour, and you have to ride that out while they realize that nothing they do will change the boundary. That's what happened this weekend. And while I was willing to support DH and help him through it, I certainly didn't want it. The boundary being set was "we're a team that can't be split in half for your convenience". So, yup, I responded to a handful of texts on his behalf. Because at this point in his journey , he needed shelter from the drama and I was happy to be that shelter.

.

Deleted. I guess that's what you prefer, so be it. Good luck.

Sorry NieMojCyrk, I did

Sorry NieMojCyrk, I did delete a comment that you had replied to. It wasn't about your comment. I've found your perspectibe on things helpful. I did have a question about your comment. You said that I said my SS was amazing (or some other positive comment) and "not like the rest of them". I was confused, so I looked back at that post. What I said was that his response to me that day was unlike the other responses I'd gotten over the year and that I wasn't getting my hopes up but was relieved in the moment. This is my issue with some of the responses. No one has to read my blogs, and if someone takes the time to read them and responds with thoughtful advice, I appreciate it. Even if that asvice isn't what I wanted. But if feels like some posters skim at best and then their response is biased on their own need to throw stones or maybe their own step trauma. Either way, I felt good about how I handled the situation and I'm okay with others disagreeing but, if this site is for support, and I make a post that doesn't ask for advice, what's the point of the stone throwing? (I'm not intending these comments for you in particular, although I am curious about why you misconstrued my comments about my SS).

I re-read that post re your

I re-read that post re your SS's response.. and you seemed to have a viewpoint that he was different.. you were relieved.. it seemed you felt his response was positive.. so maybe that's where the notion came from.. it was a very positive post about him from where I was reading it.

I was definitey relieved and

I was definitey relieved and pleased by his response. My husband very much hopes to have a relationship with him, and if he had responded the way he has in the past, it would have been a nail in that coffin. So yes, I was very pleased with the response. But I have no illusions about his character. I'm just willing to "play nice" with him if he's willing to "play nice " with me.

Ok I guess I misunderstood your response about your Ss

For which I apologize. I wasn't trying to twist your post about your SS, I probably just misunderstood it.

Also, It wasn't throwing stones, in my comment you deleted I was only trying to explain why you shouldn't be taking the comments from the users here as criticism and I tried to explain from my point of view how in these comments you could find a potential benefit. I gave my own experience as an example. But it's your absolute right not to want such advices and I personally will respect that.

Thank yoi. I was okay with

Thank you. I was okay with most of your post. It only got deleted because it was connected to another comment that felt like storne-throwing. I generally don't feel like you do that and I know you've clarified that English isn't your first language, but for the record, using the term "I don't want to say I told you so" (or version of that) is code for "you got what you deserved". If you truly don't want to say "I told you so", then just don't.

This should have happened

This should have happened years ago, but now the future in-laws have a front row seat for the circus. How dare they think DH should participate solo when they all have partners. Good to have a paper trail and the cops involved. I experienced some of what you did but not to this level. I did find out that trying to talk for DH made it worse and strengthened their argument that "I had changed/brainwashed him." This is his battle to fight and silence is a statement. Not engaging with the crazies is a statement. The only person he should be in contact with is his son. Why only him? To say that there comes a point in life where when you choose your life partner they come first. Just as he is choosing his marriage first, he expects his son to choose his fiancé first , over his mother, in-laws and any other intrusion. SS will have to manage the drama.

They also miss your money.

Brilliance! Great advice and absolute truth.

"........ there comes a point in life where when you choose your life partner they come first. Just as he is choosing his marriage first, he expects his son to choose his fiancé first , over his mother, in-laws and any other intrusion."

Survivingstephell, this is exactly what parents need to raise their children to value and live in their own lives.

Sadielady's DH needs to tell his son exactly this . He needs to tell BM and his whole weasle family exactly this.

Thank you for this. It is important.

Agreed.

Triangulation

Ive been learning about this and it sounds like you got sucked into the Triangulation Game.

Definitely true over the past

Definitely true over the past year. Not now. I was in complete control over the weekend. Even the wellness call doesn't bother me. It just highlights the crazy. Honestly, I didn't play into their game. They played into mine.

two things:

1. you really need to step out of the mud. nothing you say will change anything so say nothing.

2. he knows what he's dealing with. It's best he also step away completely. and if he has to speak, do it via text or e-mail or record it and say as little as possible. they know his feelings. he knows theirs. he can step away and let it go.

Wel, well, well….

I hope you learned something from this episode. Crazy is crazy. You cannot placate crazy. They want, what they want and they want it now. Your DH let you check his phone, to satisfy your curiosity and let you find out for yourself how nuts they are. From now on, if you choose to interact with these people or their numerous flying monkeys, you know how it ends. In future, follow your DH lead and turn off the phone and block them. With crazy, no good deed goes unpunished (that's from my experience with dealing with a crazy BM for 23 years and disfunctional stepkids, now disfunctional adults).

What a fking soap opera of

What a fking soap opera of histrionics! I agree with those who say you should avoid calling or texting DH's family members. It fuels the fire. Also, avoid conversing with the ex. As much as it may have seemed like it, she was never your friend. Your DH clearly failed to set appropriate boundaries on his own. There's no way his ex should feel so empowered to act as she did.

BTW, I would have a problem if my DH went to a big family event like that without me, too. Holidays/weddings/baptisms and such, in a lot of communities, are the adult version of homecoming or the prom. Couples go together and if one goes without the other, it's a signal that they either broke up or have major problems.

I wouldn't like it either. I

I wouldn't like it either. I guess to me it's simple: I would never go celebrate someone else's marriage by leaving half of mine home.

I love the way you put it.

Crazy Abounds

And you have a triple dose of the crazy.

I'll agree with everyone...you are WAY TOO INVOLVED in what should be your DHs fight. You should not be involved at all. It's his family, his trouble and he needed to handle his texts and voice mails complete with reading/listening and responding. Not you. That actually comes across as very controlling and it gave them some ground for the "wellness check." I'm not wanting to tear you down...I was way too involved years ago myself so the "ask me how I know" fits your situation as I've done it myself. BUT lesson has been learned.

Going forward, I'll recommend these things: block ALL of DHs family that you know will give you grief. The ones you continue to give access to...remember...blood (and madness) are thick....they will side with the family and NOT YOU eventually. STOP giving details of your life to the ones you allow access. Keep the conversations generic and if the "topic" comes up, just quickly say, "that's not anything I'll discuss. Not my mess. Talk to DH."

This is how I handle StepHell today. DH has a life with me and he has a life with his kids. They rarely cross. We really don't even discuss them anymore unless it will directly impact me. Kid problems are his to deal with. I have my own kids with ocassional issues and DH stays out of that. I rarely even tell him now. (We do not have any children together). Gossip and lies do not bother me regardless if I hear about them. But they are aware....be careful because I'm not beyond suing for slander. I am like ESMOD....I don't care if DH attends events without me. It does nothing to the "story" of my marriage. I simply don't want to attend any events with DHs kids. My peace is much more important than being "right." DH has taken strong stands with his kids, including telling them they are NOT welcome in our home. He sees them else where. I'm grafeful for that, so I support him seeing them away from me.

Wishing you the best....this is a very toxic mess you are in. I think someone mentioned a restraining order and I would probably look into that considering the BMs threat. May not be enough but getting her ass into court to face the judge may just wake her up to being careful with threats.

I appreciate the comments and

I appreciate the comments and I don't feel torn down. But it's odd to me that the posters who are accusing me of getting too involved are the same ones suggesting I take out a restraining order or sue the ex. That's a whole lot of space and energy in my life that would be going to this situation. DH's family members have been blocked from all access to me for months (I actually unblocked uncle temporarily when I texted him and reblocked him when I told him I wouldn't be taking direction from him. If they'd had true cause for a wellness check because of my "controlling" behaviour, they wouldn't have waited 3 days to make the call. Make no mistake, they weren't concerned that he was unwell, they were pissed that they were being blocked from controlling him. And if DH needed me to run interference for him to get through this weekend, I'm happy to have done so.

My Reason....

for the RO is simply because you are now in DEEP and I don't see your drama ending any time soon without some serious intervention especially based on the comment, "the gloves are off." And it's not that they had a valid reason for calling the police for a wellness check...but with you doing ALL the communication rather than your DH, it gave them the crack in the door they needed.

Another reason for the RO....I think you mentioned something about working with the school board...and it could cause you issues with that position? That in itself would spur me on for a RO. DHs youngest daughter falsely accused me (and DH) of mental abuse. I let her know clearly if it continued, I'd see her in court. Her lies could have jeopordized my clearance/background checks to work in the school system here, my volunteer work within rape crisis centers and lay counseling in my church.

Yes, it's a lot of "space and energy" but you already have given yourself that by getting involved rather than letting your DH handle this mess. Again, I walked your journey. I've learned my lesson. I stay out of it. As long as DH keeps me "protected" from his nutter family, I'm good.

But this is your journey. If you want to continue to run interference for your DH, that is perfectly fine. Just know it makes the battle even harder and more space and energy will be needed. Best to you.

EDIT: Please don't take our ADVICE as accusations. Most of us, if not all, have made the same missteps. We're just trying to help you avoid some of them.

I absolutely appreciate the

I absolutely appreciate the advice and I do know that it comes from people's hearts and experiences. And I agree that DH needs to handle his family. Hopefully his individual sessions will help him to do that. Regarding the ex, she has a long history of making empty threats. DH has always described her as a walking recoiled spring who explodes, says vicious things, and is then remorseful. I don't expect any remorse but I also don't expect any violence (although I'll definitly be alert). And I won't hesitate to go to the police if there's any hint of danger. For now, I'm just happy that the boundary (my wife is my priority) has been set and was maintained despite their very extreme efforts.

As w/ any situation we

As w/ any situation we steppers find ourselves in, we need to sometimes look at our personal motives. Are we fighting for our spouse or is this our power move to have control in a situation that is out of control so we can get that "win" and show who the new boss is.

As long as you feel your motives are good and not selfish then go for it and keep those bounderies set and reenforced!.

I find it ironic

That the ex (aka BM) doesn't like HER skids!

Right??

Has told DH and her kids that she "hates" her SKs.

Sheesh, I can't imagine what

Sheesh, I can't imagine what the wedding will be like if an engagement party stirred up this much drama. Good luck with keeping the crazy at bay.

I get the confusion. The

I get the confusion. The reason for me checking his phone was so he could be prepared. Many in his family (especially his ex and kids) can be vicious when they're upset. Ultimately, he hopes for a positive relationship with his kids one day and as you all probably know from experience, you can't unsee those texts. So with his ex's texts for example, I screenshoted them and saved them on my own phone. Then gave him the gist and he decided he didn't want to see them, so I deleted them. I get what you're saying about the wellness check. But it wasn't "someone else" answering his texts. It was his wife reaponding to the one uncle. Wouldn't it have been more worrisome if the uncle received no response at all?

It's possible that BM would

It's possible that BM would have called the cops whether you answered or not. But you answering for him made you more of a target than you already are. Make no mistake, you will be blamed no matter what you do or don't do. But any interaction you give them just gives them more ammo to shoot at you.

The weirdest thing to me is

The weirdest thing to me is that DH and BM don't even really have a relationship. We both communicated leading up to the engagement party to coordinate food and beverages. Prior to that, the last communictaion was like October or November. So, even if an argument could be made that a call for a welfare check was in justified, it certainly wasn't her place to do it. It was pure spite on her part.

Yeah, I would have kept out

Yeah, I would have kept out of it and let the husband handle it. He handled it by turning off the phone, which is fine. From here on out, just ignore them all. Keep them blocked, get the RO if needed. I don't understand the overreaction on their part about your husband not going to the party. An invitation isn't a summons. They honestly sound like a crazy, more extreme version of some of my in-laws. They don't bother with me though. They know better. I'm a brick wall. The more they might try to sway me, the more I'll dig in my heels.

"This is not up for discussion" needs to be introduced into your and your husband's vocabulary. Very useful phrase when telling someone no.

OP, I hope you stay too.

If there are posters you don't agree with, either thank them for their contributions and move on in the thread. Or delete their posts from your thread.

There are one or two regular posters who are quite opinionated and like to argue and labour their point, but probably mean well really....I don't know.

But please stay. I think it's healthy for you to have a safe place to share your experiences.

Also, human nature being what it is, it's not possible for some people to just ignore stuff that is happening, especially if it's to their spouse. Everyone is different, and how we handle these situations should not be questioned and criticized, just accepted. I'm certainly not going to pass judgement on you.

All the best.

Thank you Kaylee. I really

Thank you Kaylee. I really appreciate that.

You posted about how you

You posted about how you played them. Well, that doesn't always happen around here and it if that's what happened and you finally get the upper hand in all this drama, good for you. I was in your role in the beginning, trying to protect DH from the trauma of his first marriage while letting him try to heal from it. It did complicate things with the in-laws but it did make my relationship with DH stronger so there's that.

It's a shame it had to happen this way, weddings should be a time of celebration not drama. Stephell with a HCBM changes everything. I hope this is a turning point for you OP and you can move forward with your DH into a more healthy way of living together. Getting a dysfunctional family to respect your boundaries is a trying time but it can be done. We did it. It's never drama free though.

So happy to hear that you're

So happy to hear that you're situation worked out. Boundary setting is tough and I think many people (my DH included) feel like it hasn't been successful when the people escalate their behaviours. But I'm a school psychologist and every time I put a plan in place for a child with really difficult behaviours, I tell the school staff to batten down the hatches because things are going to get worse before they get better.

You can make crazy go away if

You can make crazy go away if you ignore it and get a restraining order. But you didn't do that. You actually added fuel to the fire and now they have digital proof that you are participating in the crazy.

I don't know what things are

I don't know what things are like in other areas, but im Canada you can't get a restraining order just because you have some drama with someone. There needs to be much more evidence that the person means to physically harm you. We made sure that the police officer was aware of the voicemail and it will be part of the evidence chain if things escalate further. BM is blocked from all devices (mine & DH's) so it's unlikely that they'll be further incidents.

my only concern, should it

my only concern, should it reach some type of legal point, is that they can say you not only encouraged conversation by involving yourself but also engaged in the hostilities w/ your back and forth even though it was originally between two other people (DH and his ex). just be careful should you need to wade back into the fray in the future.

I hear what you're saying,

I hear what you're saying, but I sent only one text to BM, asking her to respect DH's boundaries and to please back off. I don't think any reasonable person could think that I was inviting hostility and/or that her threats were a reasonable reaction.

Good Boundaries

I totally undertand checking (with his permission) your DH's phone. If he's going to get 15 messages, 3 diatribes and an essay on his phone - and in the middle of it a genuine apology or a heartfelt alternative - he's stuck. Either he wades through the mess, and gets pulled down by the details, or (since you were willing and had the emotional bandwidth right then), you do it for him, give him the two line summary, and you both move on. I think you two leaned on each other and (since you volunteered), he wasn't taking advantage of you. Your replies likely stirred the pot, but the pot was going to be stirred anyway. You managed the ordeal without DH having the PTSD that would have been caused by reading every message as it came in.

I agree on the result. If you truly had gone radio silent, then a wellness check MAY have been excusable. But since you very clearly told them he is well, just trying to get through this bad weekend, and they're not helping - it outed her motives for what they were. Pot stirring.

I hope you manage to put this all behind you and find some peace for yourselves. And even more, I hope that SS sees how stupid this all is and finds a way to allow you to be part of his special day, without swimming with the alligators. Whether it's breakfast that morning, or lunch the day after (or by some miracle the event itself). Good luck!

Thank you Mominit.

I am an equity life partners guy myself.

My DW and I are equity life partners and our marriage and each other are the uncontested priority over all and everyone else. Kids are not the priority, ever. And for damned sure not even close once they reach age of majority.

Minor children are the top adult relationship responsibility, never the priority.

Extended family, isn't even a consideration. Particularly when they are ill behaved, manipulative, or in any way toxic.

My ILs and the blended family opposition (the SpermClan) learned at nearly day one of our marriage that they mistreated my bride or my SS at their severe peril. Not that DW needed me to defend her. She knew unequivically that I have her back, as she has mine.

I applaud that you have your DH's back.

My condolences on the level of toxicity that his failed prior family represents in your life, and his.

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The Crazy Clan Did Not Disappoint

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