Father's Day - Part of the Family!
This may seem silly, but I'm celebrating a small victory today! My SO of 3 years has two daughters, 11 and 14. I get on very well with them and his ex-wife. However, I still struggle to know my place in our "family"....never sure how close to be to the girls, when to intervene, etc. I do the best I can and we've bonded very well and they talk to me about a lot of things. You all know how it is, you still feel like an outsider. I've known the girls for 8 months.
Well, we always joke about how we hate those stick figure families on the backs of minivans. On the Father's Day card for their dad (my SO), they drew what they labeled "Our stick figure family on a car" and included me in the picture! Not only was I included, but they drew me first and I was the biggest. I'm sure there is some psychobabble out there about how that means I'm important to them, but I was so happy!
It may seem silly, but it just felt so great to be included in their picture as part of their family! I'm just happy and my friends don't really "get" the whole stepfamily thing, so I don't really have anyone to share it with. Figured I would share it here 
that is great!
that is great! congratulations!
I am jealous!
I get along fine with my steps but I'm not sure they'd draw me in a family picture. Actually my skids would probably draw 2 pics if they had to do their family, one with their mom and one with us... but I bet I'd be tacked on as an afterthought and for sure at least one of the three would leave me out. Yes, I'm jealous. but happy for you!
Things were slow with the
Things were slow with the girls at first. We focused on doing events where we all participated but didn't have a lot of one-on-one time. For example, we visited botanical gardens and did a maze. One thing that really helped was doing a ropes course. We went to the National Whitewater Center here in Charlotte and did a ropes course. The girls enjoyed "showing off" and were much more agile then me, so they were giving me tips and helping me.
Keep in mind, the girls are older (14 and 11) so we have a more adult relationship then you can have with a 4.5 year old. I try and do activities with them that they enjoy, rather than what I necessarily love. The 14 year old loves fashion, so we will go to boutiques, consignment shops, etc and check out clothes. She also loves youtube videos and LIVES on youtube, so I keep up with some of the more popular ones and ask her if she has any good ones to show me. It's become a little tradition now....every time she comes over she has some funny or cool youtube videos saved to show me. They also love to do nails. Sometimes I take them for manicures, but that gets expensive, so I do their nails at home.
The 11 year old is very creative, she loves to paint and draw and act. I like to take her or sometimes both girls to one of those paint pottery places. I took them before mother's day so they could make something for their mom (I get along with BM so I don't mind this). You could take your GF's daughter to a place like that so you can both make something for "Mommy". You can bond over doing it together, and displaying it in the house as something you made as a team. There are also apps we use together on the ipad. There is one app she has (I forget the name) where you can make short movie trailers and it inserts words and music for you, it is pretty cool. We could spend hours making funny movies. Yea, it gets old and annoying sometimes, but I'm just happy they want to spend time with me. I know they will not want to as they enter the teenage years!
If you have an ipad, there is lots of fun stuff on there you can do together. (He a 3.5 and 4.5 year old boys as well) There is a funny app called "Hair Did" where you take a picture of yourself or someone else and you can put on all types of funny and colorful wigs. We will also use snapchat (or similar app) to take pictures and draw on them. I made a cool one of SD11 floating in space and scuba diving, she drew me as Cleopatra. Fatify is also a good one if you don't mind laughing at yourself (it makes you look like you gained 200 lbs....the girls think it is hilarious). There are also seek and find books or apps I've found helpful for the younger kids....you're looking for certain items together and working as a team.
The key, I guess, is to find something you can do together. Let her take the lead as much as you can. Find an activity that isn't just talking to make the connection, like coloring, painting, nails, playground, swimming, etc. You can't force it, it gets easier over time.
^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^ At the age
^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^
At the age of 12, my new bf's daughter was curious about me and open to me. She drew pictures for me, she was affectionate with me, loved trying the new foods I would cook for her dad.
The weekend we were to marry she was crawling on the floor like a dying kitten begging, "Don't marry her!"
She complained, insulted me, and started hitting her brother right in the middle of the ceremony. Yes, standing up there in front of everybody not sitting in with the crowd.
And it just got more and more hideous from then on. I do think my SD now nearly 15 is a somewhat extreme case but reading these message boards sometimes I think she's actually a mild case. She treats me like a vile and diseased monster that lives in the house but won't usually materialize if you don't acknowledge it. She either has no memory of our fun times in the past or, more likely, she curses me for wickedly bribing her (she's already thrown that accusation at her own dad).
I do have hope there are some well raised kids out there who do not make this horrible switch.
(My stepson, happy to say, does adore me and I have had that happy moment when we saw he was including me in his drawings and other writings.)
Treasure what you have, enjoy
Treasure what you have, enjoy every minute, do NOT count on it lasting long.
Having read your post I had to chime in, tell you another cautionary tale.
I am not saying things WILL go south, i am just saying they MIGHT. Depends on how healthy all the characters are.
My skids found me wildly interesting in the beginning, and unlike ChiefGrownUp skids, they were well behaved even two years into it, at our wedding ( well they were 20 and 16). My YSD16 read a sonnet by Shakespeare for us that we picked out together for the ceremony.
But 3 years later, we have no relationship, zero, nada - BM has gone into the deep end of PAS and dragged adult skids with her. So build memories, work on having a good, fun relationship, pick activities you all enjoy - but do not get attached.
Pilgrim, I sigh when I read
Pilgrim, I sigh when I read your bit about the Shakespeare sonnet. During our ceremony, I presented each child with a gift. SD's (13 at the time) was a silver and gold Tiffany necklace with a pendant perfectly suited to her. DURING this presentation she started complaining about the gift, it's not what she wanted!
SS, 11 at the time, was perfectly delighted with his and some of our best pics are of his big smile and wide eyes when he got his present. Even more to his credit, his real gift which had been purchased and personalized months before managed to not make it to the wedding city. The day before the wedding, DH and I were scrambling about town trying to get a suitable replacement gift for him. What we ended up with actually broke, my brother in law had to glue it hastily together, but ss was still full of joy when he saw it.
SD's gift, in perfect condition and costing tons more and perfectly picked out for her, wasn't good enough for her.
This is what makes the difference between stepkids and their step parents. Pretty much nothing the stepparent can do has any impact. It's all on the kid and their natural parent.